16-year-old Son is addicted to marijuana
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16-year-old Son is addicted to marijuana
Would NarAnon be an appropriate group for my husband and I? Our 16-year-old son is a regular user of marijuana and sees nothing wrong with it even though he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. I am dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, and extreme grief. My husband is angry, angry, angry.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
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Originally Posted by Damaged2 
Would NarAnon be an appropriate group for my husband and I? Our 16-year-old son is a regular user of marijuana and sees nothing wrong with it even though he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. I am dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, and extreme grief. My husband is angry, angry, angry.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Yes, NarAnon would be a great place for you to meet other parents and hear what has worked for them, as well as a place for you to focus on your own boundaries, expectations, disappointments, and issues. What it is not going to give you is "the right answer" about anything related to your son's situation. If you go with an open mind, looking for support and understanding, you will very likely have a positive experience. And I suggest going a minimum of three times, as topics and people can change from week to week.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Damaged2,
Yes, Nar-Anon is where you should be - or at least try it, doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me.
"...he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. "
Some will argue that marijuana is not addictive, but from the above its use is certainly causing problems with everyday life for him.
Among those arguing that marijuana is "no big deal" are your state legislators - the recent legalizations in Colorado and other states are not helping - the kids see that and think - "It's legal, so it must be OK." I hope they use some of the windfall dollars from taxes for rehabs and counselors - they are going to need them!
Jim
Yes, Nar-Anon is where you should be - or at least try it, doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me.
"...he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. "
Some will argue that marijuana is not addictive, but from the above its use is certainly causing problems with everyday life for him.
Among those arguing that marijuana is "no big deal" are your state legislators - the recent legalizations in Colorado and other states are not helping - the kids see that and think - "It's legal, so it must be OK." I hope they use some of the windfall dollars from taxes for rehabs and counselors - they are going to need them!
Jim
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
I agree with the prior comments.
Additionally, I would like to share my experience possibly related to your statement "and extremely anxious.":
My son has a severe weakness to anxiety. It runs in our family. I have it. My grandmother had it (she's dead now). Our hearts will beat wildly if we do not manage our anxiety using coping skills. Anxiety unchecked will take our breath away rendering us speechless with our lips quivering, and it's very embarrassing.
I never addressed this condition with my son while raising him. I learned how to live with it, manage it, and avoid it. I expected my Son to do the same. He didn't. He started using marijuana to fit socially. Then he started using street Xanax, daily, to medicate his anxiety. He became an addict.
If I had the opportunity to raise my son all over again, I would proactively and aggressively address his weakness to anxiety. I would enroll him into IC or some type of environment to help him learn the coping skills he needs for anxiety. He's learning now as part of his recovery. So am I.
Anon meetings will help you to understand addition, the behaviors from it, and to understand that the addiction is not your fault. I'm just saying that dealing with anxiety may be a problem that existed prior to the addiction, -something to investigate.
Additionally, I would like to share my experience possibly related to your statement "and extremely anxious.":
My son has a severe weakness to anxiety. It runs in our family. I have it. My grandmother had it (she's dead now). Our hearts will beat wildly if we do not manage our anxiety using coping skills. Anxiety unchecked will take our breath away rendering us speechless with our lips quivering, and it's very embarrassing.
I never addressed this condition with my son while raising him. I learned how to live with it, manage it, and avoid it. I expected my Son to do the same. He didn't. He started using marijuana to fit socially. Then he started using street Xanax, daily, to medicate his anxiety. He became an addict.
If I had the opportunity to raise my son all over again, I would proactively and aggressively address his weakness to anxiety. I would enroll him into IC or some type of environment to help him learn the coping skills he needs for anxiety. He's learning now as part of his recovery. So am I.
Anon meetings will help you to understand addition, the behaviors from it, and to understand that the addiction is not your fault. I'm just saying that dealing with anxiety may be a problem that existed prior to the addiction, -something to investigate.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meetings literally saved my life. There weren't many Nar-anon meetings where I lived when I first began meetings, so I went to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon, two other similar fellowships that are about us and our issues,
My adult son is an addict lost in his addiction somewhere and I truly understand your pain.
Prayers out for you and your family.
Hugs
My adult son is an addict lost in his addiction somewhere and I truly understand your pain.
Prayers out for you and your family.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Our daughter her sophomore year got into pot heavily with her new "boyfriend". She was chronically skipping school and basically failed the whole year of classes. We worked with the school counselors and private counselors with her. Did the whole boundary setting thing which led to her running away from home briefly because she felt it wasn't fair.
Not sure what changed- well losing her boyfriend I have to say was a big influence...maybe becoming more mature...maybe because we had to court with her because of her being a truant. Don't know, but thankfully this junior year of high school so far do not see the signs/symptoms of anything like last year. Frustrating to see our kids missing out on life and opportunities.
Not sure what changed- well losing her boyfriend I have to say was a big influence...maybe becoming more mature...maybe because we had to court with her because of her being a truant. Don't know, but thankfully this junior year of high school so far do not see the signs/symptoms of anything like last year. Frustrating to see our kids missing out on life and opportunities.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. have read all of the above.. some one tell me why Pot is good and it has to be legalized... not for the money that is for sure. for its the start of the road to a life of nothing good... my hubby and I go round and round ... and yet he does not see the bad habits and effects of the drug.. funny isn't it they are screaming don't smoke because its a killer and yet smoke pot it is so good for everything that is wrong in your life.. Hey Man have a toke its a blast man.. just sit and watch the sun shine. Man ... that kid is crying again the the hell for.. shut them up blow some Maryjane into them... Yep its just such a great trip.. to death and no where forever.. sorry.. my rant... ardy
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Muunray - Thank you for your message and your experience. Our son actually ran away this weekend because we were setting boundaries (and he didn't like them). He finally showed up late Sunday night (last night), acting as if nothing was wrong. When I asked him where he'd been he said: "Not here" and proceeded to tell me that being in our home was dreadful. I think his girlfriend is an influence similar to what you describe about your daughter's boyfriend (the beginning of their relationship also marks the beginning of his heavy pot use). We haven't gone the court route, but are definitely on the way there (we got the police involved over the weekend - listing him as a runaway). We are working with the school and have an appointment with an addictions counselor tomorrow. In any case, thank you for taking the time to write about your experience and I'm very glad that things are going well for your daughter. I don't feel as hopeful for our son because things have been escalating for the past 2 years, not getting better. I feel like he may have already done irreparable damage to his brain. But I haven't given up (yet).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Ann
Meetings literally saved my life. There weren't many Nar-anon meetings where I lived when I first began meetings, so I went to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon, two other similar fellowships that are about us and our issues,
My adult son is an addict lost in his addiction somewhere and I truly understand your pain.
Prayers out for you and your family.
Hugs
My adult son is an addict lost in his addiction somewhere and I truly understand your pain.
Prayers out for you and your family.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by AWorriedFather
I agree with the prior comments.
Additionally, I would like to share my experience possibly related to your statement "and extremely anxious.":
My son has a severe weakness to anxiety. It runs in our family. I have it. My grandmother had it (she's dead now). Our hearts will beat wildly if we do not manage our anxiety using coping skills. Anxiety unchecked will take our breath away rendering us speechless with our lips quivering, and it's very embarrassing.
I never addressed this condition with my son while raising him. I learned how to live with it, manage it, and avoid it. I expected my Son to do the same. He didn't. He started using marijuana to fit socially. Then he started using street Xanax, daily, to medicate his anxiety. He became an addict.
If I had the opportunity to raise my son all over again, I would proactively and aggressively address his weakness to anxiety. I would enroll him into IC or some type of environment to help him learn the coping skills he needs for anxiety. He's learning now as part of his recovery. So am I.
Anon meetings will help you to understand addition, the behaviors from it, and to understand that the addiction is not your fault. I'm just saying that dealing with anxiety may be a problem that existed prior to the addiction, -something to investigate.
Additionally, I would like to share my experience possibly related to your statement "and extremely anxious.":
My son has a severe weakness to anxiety. It runs in our family. I have it. My grandmother had it (she's dead now). Our hearts will beat wildly if we do not manage our anxiety using coping skills. Anxiety unchecked will take our breath away rendering us speechless with our lips quivering, and it's very embarrassing.
I never addressed this condition with my son while raising him. I learned how to live with it, manage it, and avoid it. I expected my Son to do the same. He didn't. He started using marijuana to fit socially. Then he started using street Xanax, daily, to medicate his anxiety. He became an addict.
If I had the opportunity to raise my son all over again, I would proactively and aggressively address his weakness to anxiety. I would enroll him into IC or some type of environment to help him learn the coping skills he needs for anxiety. He's learning now as part of his recovery. So am I.
Anon meetings will help you to understand addition, the behaviors from it, and to understand that the addiction is not your fault. I'm just saying that dealing with anxiety may be a problem that existed prior to the addiction, -something to investigate.
We have taken him to two professionals. One counselor (not an addictions specialist) minimized the drug use and actually asked me if I could overlook it (!!!). But we have not seen someone yet who is specifically educated in addiction issues - we have an appointment tomorrow.
You mentioned "IC" and I don't know what that is - could you explain?
Again, thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. And I hope both you and your son are doing well!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by JimC60
Damaged2,
Yes, Nar-Anon is where you should be - or at least try it, doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me.
"...he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. "
Some will argue that marijuana is not addictive, but from the above its use is certainly causing problems with everyday life for him.
Among those arguing that marijuana is "no big deal" are your state legislators - the recent legalizations in Colorado and other states are not helping - the kids see that and think - "It's legal, so it must be OK." I hope they use some of the windfall dollars from taxes for rehabs and counselors - they are going to need them!
Jim
Yes, Nar-Anon is where you should be - or at least try it, doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me.
"...he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. "
Some will argue that marijuana is not addictive, but from the above its use is certainly causing problems with everyday life for him.
Among those arguing that marijuana is "no big deal" are your state legislators - the recent legalizations in Colorado and other states are not helping - the kids see that and think - "It's legal, so it must be OK." I hope they use some of the windfall dollars from taxes for rehabs and counselors - they are going to need them!
Jim
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by GardenMama
Yes, NarAnon would be a great place for you to meet other parents and hear what has worked for them, as well as a place for you to focus on your own boundaries, expectations, disappointments, and issues. What it is not going to give you is "the right answer" about anything related to your son's situation. If you go with an open mind, looking for support and understanding, you will very likely have a positive experience. And I suggest going a minimum of three times, as topics and people can change from week to week.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I had an inpatient psychologist dismiss my daughter's drug use in front of her at our final discharge meeting! What a disaster that created. I know you aren't dismissing his situation, I am just confirming your frustration with my own crazy experience with so-called professionals! This was a dual-diagnosis inpatient for teens. Still blows my mind...little did we know what we were headed into. Also, I can relate to thinking that her BF was the problem and if she'd just dump him or not be allowed to see him, all the problems would go away...they don't! It's not the BF or GF--it is OUR child. I learned this the hard way.
I am glad you are here and hope you keep us posted!
I am glad you are here and hope you keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, Damaged2. I'm joining the others who support you. 
Hopefully, the specialist you'll see tomorrow will make more sense and will give constructive suggestions.
Outside support was huge for my husband and me when our son was using when in his teens but not too much help for son (he didn't want to quit at that time, he didn't want help).
As an aside and as for all you moms and dads here, who are currently raising teenagers - bless you all!!! And lest those tweenagers and teenagers forget - the parents still hold the reins, make the house rules, and they (the growing minor children) truly do continue to need boundaries and structure. Heck, I'm an old girl and I still benefit from boundaries and structure.
Originally Posted by Damaged2
One counselor (not an addictions specialist) minimized the drug use and actually asked me if I could overlook it (!!!). But we have not seen someone yet who is specifically educated in addiction issues - we have an appointment tomorrow.
Outside support was huge for my husband and me when our son was using when in his teens but not too much help for son (he didn't want to quit at that time, he didn't want help).
As an aside and as for all you moms and dads here, who are currently raising teenagers - bless you all!!! And lest those tweenagers and teenagers forget - the parents still hold the reins, make the house rules, and they (the growing minor children) truly do continue to need boundaries and structure. Heck, I'm an old girl and I still benefit from boundaries and structure.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Damaged2
Would NarAnon be an appropriate group for my husband and I? Our 16-year-old son is a regular user of marijuana and sees nothing wrong with it even though he is failing half his classes, not on track to graduate from high school, and our relationship is beyond fractured. I am dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, and extreme grief. My husband is angry, angry, angry.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
We feel like we did all the "right" things but here we are in spite of that. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years when our kids were little. I read to them and played with them and we talked about not using drugs or drinking. Our daughter (the "good" one) feels like we're being too hard on our son - that using pot is not that big of a deal. But everything I read makes me terrified for his developing brain. He is (was?) a very smart kid, bored easily in school, and extremely anxious. But his thinking has become "off". He keeps threatening to move out, says that we make him feel bad. I try to emphasize that we love him and only want the best for him, but nothing I say seems to matter. We will be going to an addictions counselor next week, but I was also looking for some support.
There is plenty of research that shows the negative impact
of marijuana on brain development before the age of 25.
If you want to keep the focus on how SMART he is and what a good brain he has, and show him the research on how Pot use lowers the IQ, maybe you can convince him not to destroy his wonderful brain that makes him a such a good student.
Also one more thing to check out -- I know a lot of kids with either ADD or manic depression who abused alcohol or pot to try to "self-medicate"
if he has any other extreme imbalance going on that he is trying to compensate for, please don't criticize him if that is the reason.
There could be medical or chemical reasons he is seeking to placate his brain.
To show support for your son, I find it helps restore the connection by focusing and encouraging him for the right reasons and advantages he has going on, and to help him not to destroy and defeat these.
make sure you stand on HIS side and don't come across as the enemy. But stand with him to defend his 'best interests.'
Legally you are responsible for your minor son, so please explain you want to protect his brain because he is such a good student, and there must be some other reasons he was trying to use pot to placate or balance out his moods. These normally fluctuate for teens, but for teens with ADD or Manic Depression it can be out of control where they are desperate for relief.
Please check into this as a medical or legal issue, so it isn't a battle of wills. But you are clearly "on his side" to defend his health and his best interests medically and legally. Make sure he knows you are trying to SUPPORT him, not criticize fight or control him.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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emilynghiem makes good points.
Just to share from my point of view - school teachers and admin, local police, neighbors, family members, OP drug and alcohol counselor, outpatient MH counselors, case worker, probation officer, IP treatment staff, county and mental health coop crisis intervention program team members- all these entities/folks interfaced with us during the years my son was still a minor and using drugs.
Attempts were made by many to support and help him get through.
Also, during that time described, it was made very clear to my husband and me that we were legally and financially responsible for our minor son (examples - when the school reminded us we would be fined for his truancy, when he didn't have money to pay for his citations/run ins with the law, when the balances were due for D&A treatment and MH treatment that were not covered by insurance) but I also came to realize that my son would have to face consequences and be accountable for his actions.
I had no problem with being supportive - however, the enabling of my son's behavior (on my part) did become an issue.
Just to share from my point of view - school teachers and admin, local police, neighbors, family members, OP drug and alcohol counselor, outpatient MH counselors, case worker, probation officer, IP treatment staff, county and mental health coop crisis intervention program team members- all these entities/folks interfaced with us during the years my son was still a minor and using drugs.
Attempts were made by many to support and help him get through.
Also, during that time described, it was made very clear to my husband and me that we were legally and financially responsible for our minor son (examples - when the school reminded us we would be fined for his truancy, when he didn't have money to pay for his citations/run ins with the law, when the balances were due for D&A treatment and MH treatment that were not covered by insurance) but I also came to realize that my son would have to face consequences and be accountable for his actions.
I had no problem with being supportive - however, the enabling of my son's behavior (on my part) did become an issue.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by emilynghiem
if he has any other extreme imbalance going on that he is trying to compensate for, please don't criticize him if that is the reason.
There could be medical or chemical reasons he is seeking to placate his brain.
There could be medical or chemical reasons he is seeking to placate his brain.
So we had a *very* interesting evening last night. Son and husband got into a terrible, physical altercation (not punching, but grabbing, trying to run away, more grabbing, wrestling). The kitchen trash ended up on the living room floor, furniture knocked over, cats and dog scattered. Somehow I ended up with a bruise on my arm although I don't remember even being involved.
Our son finally ran out the door to a friend's house and ended up staying the night there. But first he came back to get his school backpack and some clothes and he completely lost it. He punched a hole in the wall in his bedroom and trashed his drum set and two guitars, ripped posters off the wall. He was inconsolable saying he couldn't take it anymore.
He told us that he had held a gun to his head, but couldn't pull the trigger. And that he had swallowed pills (still haven't determined what kind), but that didn't work.
So this was all agony. I'm sobbing. He's sobbing. But my husband actually stepped up and calmed our son down and told him some things that he probably should have told him a long time ago - things about his own drug (past) and alcohol (current) use and his inability to manage anger. And, most importantly, that he loves him - my husband has been incredibly hard on our son. Not to excuse him, but I think it's because he sees himself in him. He admitted as much and said that he felt like if he could control every aspect of our son's life, then he felt like he could keep him from experiencing what he's experienced (and to some extent still experiences).
Our son actually calmed down and listened and I think some of it resonated with him. I knew that he was using to cover or cope with something and I think he's finally at a place where he might be able to accept that. His dad admitting the anger and using of D&A to cope seemed to give him permission to maybe admit that as well.
There's so much more to tell - so many more emotions and things that happened last night. But as awful as it was, I feel like it was an important moment for both of them. And certainly illustrated how much we are hurting and how much help we need.
Our counseling appointment is today - I hope this guy is ready for us!
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