Am I really here...again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 37
Am I really here...again
I keep asking myself how did I get here again? Why is this happening?
I was here several years back when my husband of 10 years relapsed after many years of sobriety. Truth is he was very sick and I learned that sobriety didn't equal healthy. Hardest thing I ever did was separate from him, but I did out of necessity and desperation. His disease progressed fast and he died one night in his sleep. Left me a widow at 32 years old with 2 young kids.
Fast forward...I rebuilt my life. I found myself again. I found peace. I helped my children heal. Truth is I left my career in a well paying corporate position because I was still broken inside and my kids needed me. I got into a new relationship. I got pregnant and now have a 1 yr old, 8 yr old and 11 yr old. I'm engaged to be married, but the truth is things are bad. He is an alcoholic and pothead and I'm here yet again! He promised me to take care of me and wanted me to stay home with the children. At least last time I had a well paying job. This time I'm in a more vulnerable position.
Sigh...
I was here several years back when my husband of 10 years relapsed after many years of sobriety. Truth is he was very sick and I learned that sobriety didn't equal healthy. Hardest thing I ever did was separate from him, but I did out of necessity and desperation. His disease progressed fast and he died one night in his sleep. Left me a widow at 32 years old with 2 young kids.
Fast forward...I rebuilt my life. I found myself again. I found peace. I helped my children heal. Truth is I left my career in a well paying corporate position because I was still broken inside and my kids needed me. I got into a new relationship. I got pregnant and now have a 1 yr old, 8 yr old and 11 yr old. I'm engaged to be married, but the truth is things are bad. He is an alcoholic and pothead and I'm here yet again! He promised me to take care of me and wanted me to stay home with the children. At least last time I had a well paying job. This time I'm in a more vulnerable position.
Sigh...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
HI coffeelover I am so sorry you had to come back here. Until I learned to focus on myself and my own issues, I too found myself repeating the same broken relationships over and over.
First and foremost, I hope you will consider putting all marriage plans on for the time being.
First and foremost, I hope you will consider putting all marriage plans on for the time being.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 205
You found a solution before, and you will find one again. Focus on how to support you and your children financially and emotionally. Perhaps see a therapist. I would suggest not marrying this guy and kick him out or leave and live with a family member. You have options. It's very common to become involved with an alcoholic over and over again until you change.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, it is very common to repeat the same pattern. If we don't learn what we need to learn from past relationships....we are bound to make the same mistakes, again....
The past is the past....now is the time to think of your future...and, the future of y our children.
You can build whatever k ind of future that you want....but, you are l ikely to need to put a few years of therapy into it. (I consider alanon a form of therapy, also.
It is quite possible (and common) to very successfully navigate other areas of our lives....but, the chickens really come home when it comes to the deeply personal intimate relationships.
dandylion
***please do n ot marry this guy...even if you do "love" him...and, even if he is the father of your child....
Because, none of that will matter.....
The past is the past....now is the time to think of your future...and, the future of y our children.
You can build whatever k ind of future that you want....but, you are l ikely to need to put a few years of therapy into it. (I consider alanon a form of therapy, also.
It is quite possible (and common) to very successfully navigate other areas of our lives....but, the chickens really come home when it comes to the deeply personal intimate relationships.
dandylion
***please do n ot marry this guy...even if you do "love" him...and, even if he is the father of your child....
Because, none of that will matter.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi
I'm soo sorry for what finds you here once again but Welcome Back from a newbie.
If he's an alcoholic you can bet he is not going to be able to take care of you in the manner that I am sure you need with three children.
Please start making a plan to move forward. You and your children I'm sure deserve more than he can give.
I'm soo sorry for what finds you here once again but Welcome Back from a newbie.
If he's an alcoholic you can bet he is not going to be able to take care of you in the manner that I am sure you need with three children.
Please start making a plan to move forward. You and your children I'm sure deserve more than he can give.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi CL, I'd love to buy into this fantasy of a man coming to look after me, but there aren't many of them around. It would be a bonus, but you can't count on it.
Whatever happens, he must support your youngest, and you might have to look into getting back to work again. Lovely of him to want you as stay at home when he knew he had addiction problems.
Are you planning on going ahead with the marriage?
Whatever happens, he must support your youngest, and you might have to look into getting back to work again. Lovely of him to want you as stay at home when he knew he had addiction problems.
Are you planning on going ahead with the marriage?
Welcome Back, CL!
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