Secretdrinker

My mother has been an alcoholic for all of my life. She's in and out of hospital. Countless times the doctors have told us she is a walking miracle. The fact that she is alive, well, they can't quite understand it because of the damage she has done to her body. I won't even begin to list her health problems as I'd be here all day, but she's on 50 something tablets a day, and she drinks litres of vodka a day ontop of them.

I have tried for 15+ years to get her to stop, to go to AA meetings. The whole family has. It has caused huge divides in the family and I'm exhausted from trying, from hurting for her, from feeling the disappointment as I realise she's lied to me yet again about drinking. She has mental health issues also so it's like you're talking to a brick wall sometimes, she's a broken woman, my dad broke her (physically and mentally) when I was still very young and that's when she started drinking heavily.

Thing is, part of me wants to just give up trying. Just give up with her, accept she's never going to get better, accept people bringing her vodka into the hospital and be at peace with the fact she's going to die of this just like my father did and there isn't a thing I can do to stop her.
We could stop the arguments and just enjoy the last few years we probably have left together.


But is that just taking the easy way out? Is it failing my own mother by giving up?

Secretdrinker

And yes, I know, hypocrite much. I was telling my own mother to stop drinking, all the while knowing I had a problem myself. She doesn't have a clue about my problems though, she's too wrapped up in her own.

Tyj008

Hi there,

Do not ever give up on her! However taking care of yourself and letting your mother's life unravel is what needs to happen. Theres nothing for you to do but give her to God. N o t h i n g....giving it to God is not giving up.

Im sorry though. I know how it is not to have a mom but I couldnt imagine being able to have one but not really. Like a tease. Have you heard of detached love?

Peace,

TylerJ

FeelingGreat

F&F of alcoholics often come up against this. I did when my sister was out of control. The thing is they either come to their own conclusions or they don't.

You don't want to give up on her, but all your efforts so far have gone nowhere because she won't stop unless she's ready. So go ahead and have the best relationship you can in the circumstances, and who knows, that might be the most effective thing you can do.

dandylion

SecretDrinker....the parent child relationship can hurt so much...you m ay have to learn to love her at more of a distance. I think of it as "out of the striking distance".
She is not lying At you....she is just lying....that is what alcoholics do to protect their ability to still drink....It might help you if you were able to not take it as a personal thing. That--it is what she does to cope with her addiction.
If you google the articles written by Floyd P. garrett, M.D.----in his several articles he gives a very good description of why the alcoholic does the thing that they do.

When I say "distance"....I mean only the amount of distance that you need to protect yourself. You may be able to still retain some connections with her....in some ways....yet, maybe, not others....

No....gaining some distance is NOT the same as "giving up". It is just doing what you have to do to protect yourself and still honoring your relationship with your mother.

Yes, alanon can help....and, in your case---have you ever thought about Adult Children of Alcoholics? You certainly would qualify......since both parents are.were alcoholics. Some people even go to both.....lol!
I say....take every bit of help that there is!!

dandylion

totfit

I don't think giving up "trying" is giving up on someone. What your mother does or does not do is independent on you trying. I think you just have to accept the fact that you have no control in the outcome of your mother's situation. That is not giving up. Sometimes we just have to accept another person's behavior or find distance if it causes us issues that we can't tolerate. We can only affect change in ourselves.

knowthetriggers

Loving our family members from a distance is hard, but sometimes it is best.

Sending up prayers for all of you!

NWGRITS

You can love her from a distance, but nothing you do makes her drink - and nothing you do will MAKE HER stop. You're not giving up on her, you're giving up a frustrating, impossible mission of making her quit drinking. She's the only one who can do that, and she has to want it more than anything else in the world. Have you found our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum yet? It's just below this one in the main menu, and we'd love to hear from you there. We don't bite, promise.

Secretdrinker

I realised I posted this in the wrong place as soon as I hit that "post' button lol, I'll head on over there and have a look now, Grits

Thank you for all your kind words. You're right, accepting it doesn't mean I'm giving up on her, it's just means I'm accepting the situation for what it is.

Dandy, I didn't even know those groups existed! Will look into them thank you!

SparkleKitty

Not the wrong place at all, just one of many places to choose from! The ACoA forum will speak more specifically to your situation, but we still understand you here.