NuevaComienzo89

Good Morning,

While a part of me still wants to rationalize and minimize my problem I am still going to meetings and working on surrendering to the 12 steps.


The problem is I am about to get married in a destination wedding and the thought of doing it completely sober is killing me, as my thinking is still screwed I feel I need to drink to celebrate and to relax. I have heard over and over again that working "your own program" does not work.

However I am curious if anyone has been successful in making a deal with themselves, like drinking for another week or two and then giving themselves over or does it not work that way?

Thanks in advance everyone I am grateful for you all and this site...

Anna

What I know for sure is that there is ALWAYS a reason to not stop drinking, always.

I think it helps to shift your thinking, for example, celebrating your upcoming marriage does not have to mean drinking alcohol. There are lots of ways to celebrate the beginning of a life with your new spouse that don't involve drinking.

NuevaComienzo89

I should also note that I only have two days sober, I had a wake up call last Tuesday and have been attempting recovery for only a week...

ScottFromWI

Read the bolded part of your post above. That's exactly what you are doing by planning to "drink for another week or two".

Tapering, planning quit dates, cutting back, etc.. are all forms of moderated drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. So you see the impossibility of the situation?

Of course the thought of celebrating and getting married without alcohol is killing you...your an alcoholic. If you are currently attending AA meetings and working the steps, share your plan with your sponsor and see if they can help you focus your step work on a solution.

Mountainmanbob

I know of very few in recovery who would not recommend to the alcoholic, "stop drinking now, while you still can."

Many alcoholics will play with the though of, I will drink a little more now and stop for good later, only to be found someday dead with a bottle of the liquid devil in their hand.

Mountainmanbob

Mountainmanbob

CaseyW

I always found a reason to break any such deals I made with myself. I could always find a way to have "just one more" drink in such situations. Complete abstinence from alcohol has been the start of the solution for me.

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials and on 2 days sober!

Nonsensical

I have tried it hundreds of times. It never worked for me.

What does the thought of ruining your wedding, marriage, and/or life with alcohol do?

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here, welcome!!!

One small business I own is a photo booth company. I see many, many brides and have been the Father of a bride as well.

A lot of brides I see are highly intoxicated and I am sure they wake up thinking - holy crud, what did I do??? I've witnessed some horrific escapades which will now be part of this couple lore evermore. In May I attended a wedding for extended family. The couple along with bridal party actually did shots out of test tubes during the outdoor service.............wow.



The sober brides I have been around - including my own daughter - have a special grace, in the moment glow. It's hard to describe. Of course we realize while it is the brides special day, she is there to be a gracious hostess for all.

The decision is yours to make, one choice yields no downside while the other is fraught with potential peril and misery.

keep coming back and again - welcome!!

doggonecarl

Have you made any promises to your bride-to-be to quit drinking. If so, keep the promise.

And if you haven't told her you are quitting, you might think about it. Accountability helps.

phoebe64

I have also made lots of those deals with myself. There is always, "Just one more day, then tomorrow I will quit..." logic in the alcoholic brain. It is always a lie.

NuevaComienzo89

Thanks you all I needed to read your advice.

It's literally like two voices in my head, one which tells me after what happened there is no more denying the problem. The other voice tells me it wasn't so bad, I stayed somewhat in control and I can learn from it.

Anyways I don't know if there will be time to find a sponsor before I leave but I plan to go to as many meetings as I can before I leave and while on vacation.

I see why such "deals with yourself" keep the cycle going and are a product of screwed up thinking.

These first days are definitely the hardest.

MrSmith

I want to echo the thoughts of the others here. Your deal with yourself could result in not just a few weeks more of drinking, but years more. You said that you had a wake up call - it's time to answer it.

I know it seems like such a sacrifice now to not drink, but as soon as you come out of the alcoholic haze, and find sobriety, you will find some amazing things that you never thought still existed within yourself and others.

It is difficult for me to put into words...

Congrats on getting married.

blueberry2015

Never worked for me Im afraid, id try moderation, cutting back etc etc it inevitably always ended back to square one a drunk. I just couldnt risk ever having just a few or giving myself the week off sobriety... the thought of it actually is frightening. Relapse frightens me big time. I cant go back. Wedding or not is it worth risking? Congrats on your upcoming wedding x

Arbor

It's too bad all this comes at a time where the only thing that should be of concern is your wedding day. It makes it that much harder to put down the bottle for sure. I can pretty much guarantee your day will be more special without the booze. The alcoholic deals with oneself never work out. Who knows when you've had enough next time if there even is a next time. Think it through.

mns1

I've tried to "wean off" many times. The only way I've ever had success was to just stop. If I have one, I'm going for at least a few more to get myself really buzzed up.

CaliButterfly

Hi Nueva, I feel for you. I got married on Friday with only 10 days sober, and it wasn't easy to get through, especially with my new husband drinking. However, he supported me and I made it past the weekend without a drop of alcohol. Reflecting on it, I would have been so disappointed in myself if I caved. Your Alcoholic Voice (AV) is the one talking, trying to get you to make deals so it can get it's fix. It's not YOU, it's just a little voice inside that wants to ignore what is best for you, at your detriment. Trust me, you may minimize your alcohol-fueled actions to justify future drinking, but your wake-up call was just that. Heed the warning and trust your instincts. You want to look back at your wedding and honeymoon as one of the most memorable times of your life, not one that you either regret or can't remember.

Reset

It's been said already but I'd like to offer 2 things.

The first is that during the days leading up to my wedding, I drank way too much and wish some things didn't go the way they did, including during the rehearsal dinner. Try to think about how crummy you'd feel if something went awry because you were too drunk, like one of those wedding mishaps you'd see on youtube, only it's not funny if it's you. Conversely I was so busy talking to people during the reception that I didn't have time to get drunk, and had a great time.

The second is related to reasons to put off stopping. This past May I went to my physician and told him I was about to quit. Between then and now I put off quitting because of Memorial Day, a birthday party, a business conference, Independence Day, a business trip, a short family get together, a vacation, another business trip, and another birthday party.

Labor Day was coming around and I almost used that as an excuse, but I realized that after Labor Day I had a camping trip, another birthday party, and 2 more business trips, and these excuses are NEVER going to stop.

Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope you can get better in the long run.

Soberwolf

Demon on one shoulder Angel on the other ?

I know what that is like in time I learned the demon is the AV (addiction voice) And the other voice is ourselves who don't want to drink

My life seriously got better by getting & staying sober is it easy ? heck no is it made easier by talking to others on SR who get it & will help you every step of the way ?

Heck Yes

My advice is put your soul, every bit of yourself in to this break the chains & set yourself free

Nonsensical

Yup. I have been hearing those two voices for more than 25 years. During that time one of them has told me nothing but lies. I'd give you two guesses on which one that is, but you'll only need one.

Over the last 5 years it morphed into a liar and thief. It stole much from me, and it still wants more. It would kill me if I let it.

You don't have to let it get that bad. It's just a voice.

Enjoy your wedding.

CaliButterfly

I couldn't have said it better myself, Nonsensical. It will never get enough, and it will kill you if you listen to it. It will lie, steal, manipulate, cajole, charm, reason, bribe, and tempt you without any regard for your well-being. It is evil and you have to treat your AV as the enemy, not a friend that wants to make you feel good. With friends like that, who needs enemies?