InTheEnd

Remembering my past. I'm looking back to all the things that seemed such a hassle at the time. Now I miss them in some weird way...

The pressure of raising my girl. All the fevers, carpools, school events, athletics, traveling for her sport. Such a pita back then in my mind. But it was who I was. I was a "Mom". Now she's 19, and yes I'm still her Mom, but no more duties. I find myself a little lost and not sure who I am (alcohol "seemed" to fill that void, making me not care so much). I find myself wishing for a "do over", knowing full well that won't happen. I find myself wishing that I appreciated it for what it was. Time with my daughter when she needed me most. We have a good relationship now, but "needing her Mommy" isn't quite the same.

Now, my Mom. My God do I miss her everyday. Being sober seems to have brought this right up to the surface. She was my best friend. We were very close. When she got cancer, her only wish was to make it through the holidays to spend it with her family. She made it and then some. My only wish at that time was that she wouldn't die. It wasn't real in my mind. She couldn't leave this earth and me. Her last year was spent fighting for her short time left, and I spent her last year drinking the pain away, pretending it wasn't happening, pretending that some miracle would happen. She wasn't supposed to die, so it wasn't gonna happen. So I buried myself in alcohol for that year, visited when I could and literally updated my entire house. I did anything that year to take my mind off the impending death.

She died anyway. I'm sorry Mom, for not realizing that it would really happen. I'm sorry I was such a ****** daughter. I'm sorry I didn't "believe" that it was the end.

If only I could go back....if only I stopped drinking years ago.

If only.......

sva777

If only, words I think we can all relate too here..

Be happy you have a chance to forge a good relationship with your daughter now. Be there for her if she ever decides to have kids. Be grateful for each sober day.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your regret and your pain InTheEnd.

I think it's important to remember that ultimately you've turned things around against some pretty fearful odds...and you've had the chance now to form a real lasting bond with your daughter..and perhaps her children to come?

D

InTheEnd

Yes, true. Our future as adults looks so much brighter without the alcohol. I'm happy to be sober now and look forward to never drinking again. Can't wait for Grandkids! WAIT! Yes, I can wait a bit (she's only 19) but the thought of having little ones around again one day is comforting.

Just can't shake this feeling today. Oddly, it doesn't make me want to drink at all, more of it repulsing me today.

The best I can hope is for dream tonight, taking me back to my Mom or the younger years with my daughter. Just would like a "visit".

Unfortunately, my memories are fuzzy.....

FeelingGreat

You talk about filling the gap of busily raising your daughter with alcohol. I think this is the reason many middle-aged people slip into drinking heavily. Maybe not missing the rush, but the fact that you don't have that responsibility any more. I know that was the case for me. Many don't pull it back, so congratulate yourself for doing that.
From what you write about your Mom you were a great comfort to her. Closeness and love go both ways.

NestWasEmpty

Intheend sounds like we lead similar paths . One of the roughest we could have taken . I chose alcohol instead of being happy when my children grew up & left . I chose more alcohol when my parents health started failing . My Mom pasted in the hosp. As I sat drowning my sorrow , never went .. Lost my Dad a year later. My kids have pushed me away , my grandbabies hardly know me .
I just wanted to reply to let you know that your not alone . The Only way I can deal with the Regret . Might be a ( Cop out to some ) was to tell myself . That wasn't me that did those things . Alcohol had a Grip on me so tight - I couldn't figure a way out . It was our fault we picked up Yes . Wasn't our fault it sucked us in !!
I wouldn't be sober today if my health didn't fail me . I so wish my body gave out quicker . Maybe < so many maybe's I could have stopped before I ruined the bonds I had with them
Only thing that keeps me going is . I will not put my children though the lose of me by way of alcohol . I can give them that at least & hold onto hope in time they will forgive ...
Wishing you the strength to overcome . You still have your daughter in your life Enjoy

entropy1964

Aw IntheEnd I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I can relate to so much of what you're saying. My daughter is 14 (currently laying on the couch complaining about the American school system) and I'm so aware of the small amount of time I have with her under my wing. Your post really makes me realize how much I need to appreciate it.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I love hearing people talk about the wonderful relationships they have with their Moms. I never had that, always wanted it. I'm fortunate to have a very close bond with my girl. I believe its the universe righting things...so to speak. You know as a Mom that your Mom loved you more than anything, no matter what. My husband died of cancer almost 4 years ago...its devastating...cancer sucks. I drank to numb the pain...and the day to day sadness of watching someone utterly succumb, who was once so full of life, to the wicked disease. I beat myself up all the time for not being a better partner and caregiver. I don't have answers there....except that I have to let it go.

Thanks for sharing and I hope you start to feel better soon.

InTheEnd

Yes, the rush of raising her and the gap! I identified myself as her Mom.....I wasn't just me anymore. So much to do, actually feeling a little "important" because of it.....maybe the word I'm looking for is "needed". As she got older, I basically wasn't needed anymore, so what was I? Who was I? I really don't know the answer to that. Before she was born.....I was a "partier". Went out to the clubs, rocking the night away (code for drinking like a fish but I digress).

Thats all I know of the old me before her. And I'm thinking a 50 year old lady hitting the clubs, rocking the night away just won't be the same!

Finding my way back home and coming to get my life back.

and then this song popped into my head (lately this happens alot, songs actually seem to have different meanings when sober....I relate alot of old songs to this sober journey now.

And yes, I was a freakish major RUSH fan back in the day!

InTheEnd

to everyone! Thanks for the replies and your honesty. I feel awful for saying this, but it's soooooooo comforting knowing others feel the same. One of my biggest faults is pretending all is okay to everyone. Keeping people at a distance so they don't know the horrid truth, that I'm human, have feelings and over the last few years, struggling to basically stay alive and present. Honestly, if you asked 10 of my friends, 9 out of 10 would say I live a charmed and happy life and that couldn't have been farther from the truth. Which was probably a big factor of my isolating....so no one would see the downfall of me. The less they saw, the less they'd know. I've been an actress for so long, I'm not sure who the hell I am.

InTheEnd

And sorry for rambling! All these feelings are coming out now. I skipped my run this morning. After 3 days in a row, this old body needed a break. But it helps with my mind so much. Clears all the crap out and makes things seem okay. Without the physical "purge", my mind tends to get cluttered and confused and yes, also a guilty feeling....like I'm slipping back to my old ways of dealing with things. The AV kicks in too and starts saying "See, you've failed yet again at your new life, come back and you won't care anymore". I don't want to be that person anymore so bad. The simple things, like just relaxing, makes me feel like the old me when I was drinking.

I will be getting out tonight after work, going to the gym and doing errands and that will help.....but how do I deal with just chilling without guilt?

NestWasEmpty

Rambling & ranting is a Good thing helps to heal - get those bottled up feelings out . As for who you are - Your a Mom & Good one I may add
Fill your days with things that make you happy , stuff you enjoy . Like music find some upbeat songs . Sing to them I do !! Bring some joy back . Laughter is the best Medicine for me anyways .. Get excited about doing new things , hobbies . Making things or helping others , It's a Great feeling inside

CaseyW

I think you're already dealing with it by coming here and opening up and talking about. Sounds like a healthy way of dealing with it to me. Much better than the false comfort found in the bottom of a bottle.