welcome back to the insanity
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 68
welcome back to the insanity
*sigh* I was in a relationship with my abf for 2 years and left eventually after many empty promises etc...I worked on myself for a long time and was in a good place. He got back in contact 3 months ago and we ended up talking and him telling me how much i meant to him etc etc...I told him i wouldn't go back if he was drinking and I saw a big difference in him and could tell he was actively working on his sobriety. These past couple of weeks things have started to slide and old behaviours have crept back in-strange outbursts/getting defensive/missing work/silences/being distant/large use of mouthwash/lying about small things mixed in with huge efforts when I see him. I only see him a couple of times a week and usually talk on the phone which is very different to the last time. I feel like i'm waiting for him to admit it-I know from experience its pointless asking as he'll just deny it. I can't ignore my gut feeling this time-last time I made myself so ill it took a long time to get better...any suggestions?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Rosie, I understand how you feel--been there and done that more than once myself.
I've seen it said here many times that we should trust our gut on things like this. In my experience, that has been true--no matter how I rationalized or tried to explain things away, my instinct was almost always right. If you are seeing that many of his "drinking behaviors" have returned and you feel that he is back at it, my money would say that you're right.
So the only question would be the one that we all have to answer at some point: What are you willing to live with? You don't "owe it to him" to wait for some kind of confession. If you are not willing to live w/active alcoholism, you have every right to break off the relationship--no justification or permission needed. If you want to wait around and see what happens, that is a choice you can make too, and you sound as if you know exactly what that will entail.
Rosie, I am so sorry you find yourself in this spot. XAH is a world-class hider, deserves an Oscar for his fake recovery act, and I've been drawn in many times only to find that I'd been fooled again. I know that sick feeling, the anxiety, the sadness...
Please take good care of yourself. Wishing you the clarity to see your path and the strength to follow it thru.
I've seen it said here many times that we should trust our gut on things like this. In my experience, that has been true--no matter how I rationalized or tried to explain things away, my instinct was almost always right. If you are seeing that many of his "drinking behaviors" have returned and you feel that he is back at it, my money would say that you're right.
So the only question would be the one that we all have to answer at some point: What are you willing to live with? You don't "owe it to him" to wait for some kind of confession. If you are not willing to live w/active alcoholism, you have every right to break off the relationship--no justification or permission needed. If you want to wait around and see what happens, that is a choice you can make too, and you sound as if you know exactly what that will entail.
Rosie, I am so sorry you find yourself in this spot. XAH is a world-class hider, deserves an Oscar for his fake recovery act, and I've been drawn in many times only to find that I'd been fooled again. I know that sick feeling, the anxiety, the sadness...
Please take good care of yourself. Wishing you the clarity to see your path and the strength to follow it thru.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi there, sorry for what you are going through. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know it's about to all unravel...
Like you said, you already know what's going on so, your next step should probably be focusing on what you want to do going forward.
I couldn't live with the chaos and constant anxiety over potential relapse so I chose to get out of the situation. I will say that I don't regret that decision even though it seemed impossible to make at the time. I guess if you listen to your gut feeling regarding your boyfriends commitment to his sobriety (is he?) then you might have a better idea of what to do next.
Like you said, you already know what's going on so, your next step should probably be focusing on what you want to do going forward.
I couldn't live with the chaos and constant anxiety over potential relapse so I chose to get out of the situation. I will say that I don't regret that decision even though it seemed impossible to make at the time. I guess if you listen to your gut feeling regarding your boyfriends commitment to his sobriety (is he?) then you might have a better idea of what to do next.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Rosie,
Sorry for what finds you here. I bet you already know what's going on. Do you really need for him to tell you? Would it matter?
It's time to re-focus on YOU!
I've recently gone through a similar experience only our split was 3 months, not years. It's hurtful, I know but unfortunately unless they are willing to truly change its hopeless on our end. It's sad, frustrating, heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time.
Get back to YOU..... I wish you much peace!
Ro
Sorry for what finds you here. I bet you already know what's going on. Do you really need for him to tell you? Would it matter?
It's time to re-focus on YOU!
I've recently gone through a similar experience only our split was 3 months, not years. It's hurtful, I know but unfortunately unless they are willing to truly change its hopeless on our end. It's sad, frustrating, heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time.
Get back to YOU..... I wish you much peace!
Ro
How about listening to it?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I am going through the exact same thing.
There are "little" signs that he has completely relapsed.... I hesitate to do anything about it, because as we all know, we can think ourselves into a frenzy.
I did come to a truth about it, however. My trust is broken. My trust that this person is being honest and that I can actually give myself to this relationship, fully.... is broken. Here he had some good sober time going for himself, and was in AA, and coming clean to all his friends and family.... and then he did "slip", twice. And those are what I know of... But my gut tells me he has had a few more than that. Last night, in fact... I think. I'm not out there policing him, but when I see he has been posting to FB at 1 and 2 in the morning and then one of the other posts I had commented on has been deleted and he has some weird excuse for it... It doesn't make any sense, and my gut tells me something is up.
And he has dropped the ball on going to AA.
It is hard enough to get back to a place of really trusting someone after they have lied so much.... add in some relapses, and it becomes more and more difficult to over-come.
Personally, I'm not ready to let go this time around. But with each day, I'm inching my way there.... (((hugs)))
There are "little" signs that he has completely relapsed.... I hesitate to do anything about it, because as we all know, we can think ourselves into a frenzy.
I did come to a truth about it, however. My trust is broken. My trust that this person is being honest and that I can actually give myself to this relationship, fully.... is broken. Here he had some good sober time going for himself, and was in AA, and coming clean to all his friends and family.... and then he did "slip", twice. And those are what I know of... But my gut tells me he has had a few more than that. Last night, in fact... I think. I'm not out there policing him, but when I see he has been posting to FB at 1 and 2 in the morning and then one of the other posts I had commented on has been deleted and he has some weird excuse for it... It doesn't make any sense, and my gut tells me something is up.
And he has dropped the ball on going to AA.
It is hard enough to get back to a place of really trusting someone after they have lied so much.... add in some relapses, and it becomes more and more difficult to over-come.
Personally, I'm not ready to let go this time around. But with each day, I'm inching my way there.... (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 20
I have learned not to trust my gut instinct leads to a real breakdown in my emotional health. I have seen it written on here many times...'trust what he is showing you' not the words.
I feel for you, I am separated at the moment from AH of 14 years, he recently relapsed and managed to convince me nothing was going on. He even said 'I totally understand why you are suspicious, it's to be expected'...I lost touch with my instinct and jumped into his crazy world where reality doesn't get in the way of his drinking. My thoughts are with you, you can totally take back control of your life, you've done the training. I am not taking the blame or thinking harshly of myself this time for believing him. It shows our capacity for love that we are able to give our AH/bf more chances. We just need to work on turning that love on ourselves as the priority.
I feel for you, I am separated at the moment from AH of 14 years, he recently relapsed and managed to convince me nothing was going on. He even said 'I totally understand why you are suspicious, it's to be expected'...I lost touch with my instinct and jumped into his crazy world where reality doesn't get in the way of his drinking. My thoughts are with you, you can totally take back control of your life, you've done the training. I am not taking the blame or thinking harshly of myself this time for believing him. It shows our capacity for love that we are able to give our AH/bf more chances. We just need to work on turning that love on ourselves as the priority.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by Geewhizz 
It shows our capacity for love that we are able to give our AH/bf more chances. We just need to work on turning that love on ourselves as the priority.
Such a voice of reason to my heart! =)
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