selpats

Hello, all. It's been awhile. Things are going well for my recovering addict and I after working through some difficult issues. However, a new, although minor (compared to the other issues) has presented itself. We've always had a very intimate sex life, even through his recovery, but now it's starting to wan off. We're long distance, although we see each other every weekend, so that makes it more difficult. I have to initiate sex every time and he's starting to turn me down more and more. He works a physical job, and I know he's still struggling with addiction, but it's starting to become frustrating. He is unwilling to discuss it.

Any ideas or incite?

AnvilheadII

everyone, in recovery or not, has ups and downs regarding libido. and it can be based on a wide variety of issues, physical and mental. i realize it can feel like rejection.....but there is a lot more to life and relationships than sex. time to focus on those things, maybe?

Mountainmanbob

You haven't mentioned your ages here, which matters a lot.

I don't recommend prescription drugs for ones in recovery but,
there is a little Blue Pill that for most works very well with these matters.

Maybe ask of him if he would be willing to give it a try?

Even his answer should explain more.

Mountainmanbob

selpats

Hi guys, thanks for your response. Our relationship is going really great besides the sex. We enjoy spending time with each other, and have mutual respect for one another. I am happy with him, and his low sex drive at the moment doesn't change that, but it does get frustrating.

As far as our ages go, he is 25 and I am 22.

What are the side effects of meth and heroin recovery to a person's libido? I know how many addicts suffer a loss in sex drive during recovery, but his sex drive has been normal through his whole recovery (1 year, which I know isn't long) up until now. I can't tell if it's recovery, stress or both. I want to know how I can help him get through it. I know he doesn't like to talk about it because I think it embarrasses him, but I want him to know there's no reason to be embarrassed so we can work through it.

zoso77

So you let him back into your life?

hopepraylove

My ex's sex drive decreased when he relapsed (and I was not aware of it) Originally, when he first got sober, his sex drive was still normal...It wasn't until after he started using again that it depleted...this is my own personal experience.

Please get to an alanon meeting, this is an example of something you have no control over.

tbeit

I dont have any experience with Meth but I do know opiates deplete testosterone. I'm not saying hes using but it could be

Mountainmanbob

Note:
When these types of problems pop up in a man's life we should not jump to the conclusion that they may be using. Us men know that these issues are not that uncommon, especially these days.

Why more than say 20 years ago?
No one seems to know for sure?
Why is there more autism than 10 years ago?

Mountainmanbob

selpats

Yes...I know I must sound like a ridiculously weak person after everything. However, I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and I know I am the opposite of that. The most important thing I've learned through it all is that I am going to be perfectly ok on my own. I love this man and he's still early on in his recovery. It's not an excuse for what he's put me through, I know that and he knows that, but things are finally on the mend, and I'm confident that I'll be happy without him because I'm happy with myself. It's taken months of therapy and dedication to myself to get to this point and it's far from over. It's hard to communicate over the internet, but I'm not ignorant to what I've gotten myself into, and I'm confident enough on my own happiness to know that the only person who controls that is me!

Thank you for keeping up with my story and giving me advice! The support I've gotten on this website helped me tremendously.

selpats

Wow, thanks for your advice. He does not have any behavior associated with relapse, but I will keep an eye out. We're long distance but we live close enough that I see him every weekend. His track marks are clear and he's alert and aware when I see him. I'll keep an eye out. He's on regular drug tests for probation, so I don't think that's it, but it's definitely good to know.

zoso77

Well...one fundamental difference between you and I is our ages. You're in your early twenties, and I'm twice your age. And because I've got 20+ years on you, the way I look at things like sex is difference. Oscar Wilde is notable for saying:

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

When you're your age, sex is an incredibly intoxicating thing. When you're my age and you've lived through my experiences, sex is indeed about power. My AXGF and I banged the living snot out of each other. It was fantastic. It was also her way of trying to keep me under her thumb, because she was also banging the snot out of at least two other men while she was with me.

In other words, selpats, at some point you're going to have to decouple your emotions and your reason from the sexual act. Sex is the easiest part of any relationship at your age. My favorite metaphor for situations like yours is the following...

When you're young, you bang in the backseat of a car, and it's a lot of fun. But at some point, you both have to be responsible and be able to get behind the wheel to drive the car. And there is no evidence your ABF is there yet. Just be careful.

cynical one

Sex and Drugs

SadWife7

I've written a few posts about this same problem in my relationship. Hubby is 24, I'm 26. We have not had a "normal" sex life since early 2013 approx. Well, we've never had a normal sex life because opiates have been in his life since before I was. He has gone to the doctor to test his testosterone a couple times recently, because he has been sober for a year and a half and things have never really improved. Long term opiate abuse causes problems. He's also on suboxone, which adds to the problem. He has tested at the absolute lowest on the normal range, so his suboxone doctor is passing his info to someone else, because he's seen it before that a young guy tests within normal range, but it's not actually normal if you factor in his age.
It's been a big problem in our relationship. I want intimacy. I want sex more than once every couple months. We are going to keep getting older, and life is going to get in the way more and more and I would enjoy having an actual sex life at some point in my life. He's also unable to gain any muscle/weight, which bothers him.
Some people say it shouldn't matter, but I grew up catholic. If I wanted to be celibate I would've become a nun. There are also endorphins and whatnot released by the brain during sex....burns calories...Etc...All good things in my opinion, so there is nothing wrong with wanting an intimate relationship with your significant other! Just tread carefully, because I think men know when they aren't making their partner happy, and I'm sure the guilt and shame come into play, so it has to be a team thing- how can this be improved so both of us will be happier.
Good luck!

teatreeoil007

I understand your frustration. A similar thing happened with me when my spouse started taking Effexor for depression. Within a week his depression highly improved, but his sex drive was almost nil. He is going to stop taking it and maybe try something else! I/we are trying to be patient during this transition and hope things get back to where they should be in that department, which is usually very good!

teatreeoil007

All I can add right now that might be helpful is that when many people get completely 'clean' and off opiates their sex drive usually returns to normal. Hang in there. I wish you both happier times.

Mountainmanbob

Yes, that's true and we need to remember that it may actually take years to restore a healthy relationship.

Drugs rob the body and soul of so many things that take much time to replimish once one is sober and doing the right things.

MM

Firesong

I think it is good that you want to talk to him about it and tell him not to worry about it. But I also think that talking about it isn't a good idea unless he initiates the conversation and you said he doesn't want to talk about it, so I'd steer clear of the subject. Talking about it when he doesn't want to won't help, just as trying to get someone to talk about anything sensitive and personal usually doesn't help unless the person wants to talk about it.

There is so much more to "sex" than just "sex." There is just affection. Just spending time together. If he wants to just be close and cuddle, that can be wonderful, but again I'd let him initiate anything physical.

I'm hearing that you're young, and that your libido is really active right now (just wait 'til you're older, honey! it will go into overdrive again! ), but I would just try to give it a rest and let him relax and chill about the sex thing. Just love him and be with him and let him make the moves. If and when.

teatreeoil007

This struck me as hilarious! Don't know if it was meant that way...

Firesong

zoso77, you are educating me. I never before heard of sex being about power. Well, not between two people who know and care about each other, anyway! Sex being about power has never been part of my experience. Your experience has been very different from mine. It is educational to learn from others' experiences.

From what I know about Oscar Wilde, his experience of sex was nothing like mine either!

IME it has been about love, affection, fun, lust ... not power, not between two people who care about each other.

Your experience has made me think.

teatreeoil007

That's a nice take on it Firesong!