Rio97

I've got a problem. I've got a family function this weekend and I honestly don't want to go. I have a lot of resentment towards the family that will be there. It is a milestone birthday celebration and a few people, even my therapist, have said I should go. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place.

I really just want to get rip roaring drunk right now. But I'm not. Just needed to put this out there, somewhere, and try to get it out of my head.

Dee74

I don't go to family functions unless I want to, Rio.
I figure I'm old enough now to make that call, and deal with any fallout.

D

Tamerua

If you don't want to go, don't. It's really that easy.

Rio97

I'm so pissed right now. I said I would go. What I'm really angry about is how much stock is put on my presence. If I don't go, they act like its the end of the world. There is something terribly wrong with that.

I may tell them I'm not going tomorrow. It makes me angry my therapist told me the right thing to do is go, to honor the birthday. I just can't seem to get solid advice from anyone in this town. I have to come here to get it.

Feels good to vent !&$?/

Verte

kids are back in school and everyone in my town has diarrhea (cha, cha, cha) or something equally unpleasant.

Stuff happens.

One of the big changes made since my drinking days ended is that I no longer feel a sense of obligation to do all the things I used to do that *required alcohol* (or so I thought) to get through. Seriously, what in life is so compelling that it is worth going cuckoo and upsetting my sense of well being over?

Rio, I think you know when its OK to shake things up a little and when it is a better idea to sit tight? Yeah, my vote is to stay home or go on a long walk outside somewhere beautiful instead.

Berrybean

I think the first thing to do would be to work on those resentments. Even if they're justified. You're putting yourself through a lot of pain with them. At the moment it's your fears and resentments that are hurting you. (Not them or the party, because it's not here yet.) And as far as your therapist goes, they have given advice. You can listen and think about their advice, and choose whether to act on it or not.

Try to focus on the elements of the situation that are within your control. (whether to go; how long to stay; exit strategies; and portable support; etc.)

Might be worth sharing re what are your biggest concerns about this party? And what caused these resentments? Then people can understand better

Dee74

Yeah I don't know any way of not going and not getting the lecture or the emotional blackmail, Rio.

I did hold firm tho - and now people remember to invite me and not just assume - and they seem to understand when I can't make it.

D

Berrybean

You are allowed to change your mind. You don't owe any explanations. Let them act how they like - that's their side of the street to keep clean.

If you do get on with and care about the milestone person, maybe you could drop by and see them for gifts and special-making before the extravaganza. If they're trust worthy and it's appropriate you can even offer a brief (non-explosive) explanation of why you don't feel up to a party (eg. "Well, I'm trying to keep things calm and you know how me and X can be when we get together. And you don't need that kind of atmosphere at your party either.")
If they're actually X, then even more reason to leave it alone.

Are you worried about them talking about you if you're not there? Just a thought as it's the kind of thing that can bother me a lot if I allow it to.

matilda123

This! It is impossible to draw a boundary without making someone upset. That is the nature of boundaries and boundary crossers. You could even read the push back from folks that you are taking care of yourself and putting your needs first.

There are a lot of "boundary crossers" in my family. I used to try to please them. Now, when they get upset because I don't do what they want me to do, I smile inside and give my .inner Matilda a little pat on the back. Way to go, girl!

Rio97

So true Verte, life's too short to get out of sorts over this. Especially at my age. I actually feel stupid.

Which leads me to your question, BB, about the resentments. They are very old resentments and have never been confronted or addressed. To pinpoint what they are? This is what I'm trying to figure out in therapy and it's a chore. Basically it's a combination of their behavior coupled with their expectations. I don't like their behavior, but they expect me to. Which leads to this gathering this weekend.

It's complicated. These are probably ACOA issues. Basically I'm nothing like them nor want to be. And I've basically escaped through drinking instead of ever taking the necessary steps to handle it. I definitely carry blame for getting myself in this mess, but it doesn't mean I don't hold them responsible.

I'm too old for this. Thanks for the responses, and thx for letting me share. Feels good to let sone of it out.

Rio97

Also Dee and Matilda, good stuff, about boundaries. Very true. Really helpful to have others articulate the issues instead of trying to figure it out myself.

Definitely things to work on. I'm feeling better.

dcg

Solid advice is anonymous people on the internet, who know next to nothing about you and your situation, telling you to just not go?

Dee74

Sharing experience is kinda how this whole message board thing works.

Everyone's free to take the advice or not dcg

D

Rio97

If it feels right, sure. Therapists aren't always right, in my experience. It's a judgement call. It helps to hear different opinions.

Soberwolf

ChancesAh

I agree with most in saying don't go if you don't want to........ BUT, I'm thinking there are other considerations and issues about all this that lead your therapist to tell you to go. Consider their reasoning and whether you told them everything.
..... regardless though - if it's a risk to your sobriety you can't go anyway.

dcg

Therapists are wrong many times, yes.

My point was that if you don't fill us in on anything, then the only thing anyone can tell you is that you are an adult so if you do not want to go, then do not go.

All I was saying is this advice, absent of any other information, is not the best advice, it is the only advice.

Rio97

I hear what y'all are saying. I think what I meant was, the only local advice I ever hear is that I should go, as an obligation. It's just good to hear a contrarian point of view.

Honestly I haven't made a final decision yet; I have a few days to decide. I think the best thing that's come out of this is now I've hashed it out some and can make a better decision.

I don't know what else to divulge - I could write a book. It's a momentous occasion and there are definitely reasons I should go. But that doesn't erase my resentment or the bad blood I have with certain family members.

Reset

How is your relationship with the birthday person? How would that person react if you explained your reluctance to go? Is there another way to honor their birthday without going to the party?

These are things I'd ask myself. All of the peripheral pressure from the other people matters a lot less.

You could also tell them you can only go for a very short time, planning on bailing really early if things get ugly. That way you've made your appearance. Or it might not be all that bad and you can stay a little longer, having the pre-made excuse in your back pocket for whenever you need it.