HHTexas

AH continues to drink. Now that he's in between jobs (heh), he wants "3 or 4 more days to figure this out." He doesn't yell or act a fool. Pesters me with neediness however. I'm feeling compelled to get space. Before I go nuts...... I have a young and active dog, 2 cats, and a toddler. My family is 3 hours away.

Trying to decide....
(A) stay and ignore as much as possible
(B) board dog and get a hotel (very pricey now that we're on 1 income)
(C) move in with family and work remotely (I'm an only child so I would be badgered with concern and questions questions... Also means a change in daycare routine for little one).

Thoughts? Votes?

SparkleKitty

Is D) He leaves to "figure this out" an option?

If not, then I would choose C and practice strong boundaries around the concern and questions. The little one will adjust to the change in daycare. Hugs to you.

HHTexas

"His house too." 😠

SparkleKitty

Very frustrating that he would rather you upend yourself and your small child because he is having trouble Adulting just now. I'm very sorry about that.

ladyscribbler

Who would be paying all the household bills while you're living elsewhere and he figures things out?

I took our son and left, moved in with family. We weren't married so there was no custody issue. He owned the house outright, so I didn't have any claims there. Our son was only 4. Moving 750 miles away was actually much less disruptive for him in the long run than living with my ex's monthly drunken binges. He started preschool that fall and has adjusted very well.

Wisconsin

Another vote for C, based on the circumstances. My AH also declined to move out, so I found an apartment. I would have gladly gone and stayed temporarily with my obnoxious family of origin had it been an option.

And I agree completely re: disrupting your little one's life. It will be much less disruptive to leave now while he is so young, than when he is older and has grown up amidst the chaos of alcoholism.

dandylion

HHtexas....how is your relationship with family....do they already know about his drinking, etc.?
For some families, it is very doable. For others....not so much.

dandylion

HHTexas

They know but think it's more in the past than it actually is. My dad will be frustrated, can't understand why he won't just stop 😒. My grandmother will be a worry wort. My grandfather recently passed and she's still grieving that. My mom is in the know the most and does a good job of not bad mouthing him. Stepmom is pretty blunt.

HHTexas

I'm very close with my family. Ultimately they will be team HHTexas regardless

happybeingme

I think you need to decide what it is you ultimately want out of this. Even if it I is only temporary how long can you work remotely? How long will you be staying with family? What about the house bills? Does your husband get unemployment? You are responsible for financially supporting him.

It might be best to consult with an attorney even if your move is only temporary

FireSprite

^^This - I agree that your toddler will adjust more easily than you realize & I'm all for ripping the top off the Secrets Container & letting everyone know what your reality is..... but I think you need to think about where you expect to end up.

How temporary is this? If you intend to file for divorce/officially leave, does leaving now affect you later? Will he continue to care for the animals or will you have to take them? If you leave & it turns into a longer stay than you planned for, will you bounce through a couple of temporary situations that can be avoided with some planning now instead?

Reading back over your history it's obvious you've dealt with a lot for a long time..... is a short-term fix really what you need? If so, I'll also vote "C":

.... and remind you that it's ok to lay down some boundaries with family too. It's ok to tell them that you need support, not judgment & that badgering you won't benefit anyone. (((((hugs)))))

Lyssy

Have you talked with a lawyer? I would suggest you find out your legal options.

I am not sure where in you are located in Texas, but if you would like I can send you via PM the name of the one that drew up my divorce petition. I liked her a lot.

She charges by the condition (vs. hourly). I know there is a proper name for this but I can't think of it right now.

HHTexas

Lyssy- I live in the DFW area. Feel free to PM that referral

To the rest, found an attrny close by. Worth the free consult. This is sooo hard. If there was a way to swing my mortgage and an additional rental, I would sign that lease in a heartbeat and take the 6 months for myself to gain perspective. I just hate the idea of selling our house. I know that's silly. We just moved in a little over a year ago and it's kind of a dream house in many ways.

As for him, I'm not too worried about him financially. He makes 40k more than me so worlds smallest violin. He did 90 days at the Salvation Army 2 years ago so he has options.

happybeingme

You are right he does have options but since he is currently unemployed it is all on you. Sell the house. You have only had a year in it. It's what happens inside the house that makes it a home anyway.

FireSprite

I get what you are saying but I think it's important to look at this long term. Selling a personal residence in the US has different tax implications when it has been owned & sold in less than 2 years. Another thing to consider/discuss with an attorney before making any big changes, IMO.