Told My Friend About My AH Drinking
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Told My Friend About My AH Drinking
Hi, I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread, but here goes.
I did tell my girlfriend about my ah verbal diarrhea of me when drinking. It appeared she appreciated it. I went to the shower. I came home and my ah had been drinking. My gf was upstairs, he said taking a nap. I brought pizza home for dinner. Gf came downstairs, and we all sat in the living room. ah then announced at 7:00 that he was going to bed. I had only been home about 20min. I was actually very relieved because I wasn't going to have to face another horrible night. Once in bed, my gf confided in me that he had been talking about me, putting me down, saying horrible things. She at that point excused herself and went up stairs to take a nap. I'm very angry at myself for trusting him with private stuff for him to know, not anyone else. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I don't have anyone I can tell even the simplest things too, because j know my ah will twist it and tell whoever is there. I feel violated and like I can't get clean. Such a betrayal of trust. When I spoke with my ah about what he said to my gf, he felt it wasn't a big deal, he was telling the truth about me, and I was the one being ridiculous. I don't have a soul I can trust. This gf went to stay at a friend of hers tonight, and she told them about my ah drinking problem. I told her in confidence. When do you know enough is enough and to quit on your ah. I've never been a quitter. From what I've read here, I know it will probably get worse, not better. I can't fix this. How long can a person drink this way and not have something horrible happen?? I already feel very detached from him. We used to share everything. Thank you for listening.
I did tell my girlfriend about my ah verbal diarrhea of me when drinking. It appeared she appreciated it. I went to the shower. I came home and my ah had been drinking. My gf was upstairs, he said taking a nap. I brought pizza home for dinner. Gf came downstairs, and we all sat in the living room. ah then announced at 7:00 that he was going to bed. I had only been home about 20min. I was actually very relieved because I wasn't going to have to face another horrible night. Once in bed, my gf confided in me that he had been talking about me, putting me down, saying horrible things. She at that point excused herself and went up stairs to take a nap. I'm very angry at myself for trusting him with private stuff for him to know, not anyone else. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I don't have anyone I can tell even the simplest things too, because j know my ah will twist it and tell whoever is there. I feel violated and like I can't get clean. Such a betrayal of trust. When I spoke with my ah about what he said to my gf, he felt it wasn't a big deal, he was telling the truth about me, and I was the one being ridiculous. I don't have a soul I can trust. This gf went to stay at a friend of hers tonight, and she told them about my ah drinking problem. I told her in confidence. When do you know enough is enough and to quit on your ah. I've never been a quitter. From what I've read here, I know it will probably get worse, not better. I can't fix this. How long can a person drink this way and not have something horrible happen?? I already feel very detached from him. We used to share everything. Thank you for listening.
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When do you know is enough? Something just snaps inside of you, you can almost hear the sound. Do not be angry with yourself. When you told him about the intimate stuff, you could not know he would use them against you. And he was not supposed to. That is what husbands and wives should be for. You should be able to trust them. Have you perhaps stopped enabling your husband? I am asking because once I detached and stopped enabling, I became this monsters, the biggest b that ever existed. He called me names, tried to provoke me, the insults were meaner and really below the belt. And the things were pretty much over in 6 months.
And about being a quitter. It is ok to be one from time to time, especially when the other side doesn't wanna quit being self-destructive and pulling everybody else down.
And about being a quitter. It is ok to be one from time to time, especially when the other side doesn't wanna quit being self-destructive and pulling everybody else down.
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how long can a person drink and not have something horrible happen
Well my ex has to be 27-28 years into his alcohol addiction. To pass him on the street, he is the picture of health, I can only assume his organs have to be experiencing damage, but he walks around, without a care in the world. Well he does have 2 DUI'S under his belt, he did lose his career, but neither of those things have slowed him down in the least.
I am sorry you feel betrayed by your friend, please know this is a great place to vent, share, ask questions, and be with others who truly understand. Look forward to hearing more from you.
Well my ex has to be 27-28 years into his alcohol addiction. To pass him on the street, he is the picture of health, I can only assume his organs have to be experiencing damage, but he walks around, without a care in the world. Well he does have 2 DUI'S under his belt, he did lose his career, but neither of those things have slowed him down in the least.
I am sorry you feel betrayed by your friend, please know this is a great place to vent, share, ask questions, and be with others who truly understand. Look forward to hearing more from you.
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Thank you
Originally Posted by healthyagain 
When do you know is enough? Something just snaps inside of you, you can almost hear the sound. Do not be angry with yourself. When you told him about the intimate stuff, you could not know he would use them against you. And he was not supposed to. That is what husbands and wives should be for. You should be able to trust them. Have you perhaps stopped enabling your husband? I am asking because once I detached and stopped enabling, I became this monsters, the biggest b that ever existed. He called me names, tried to provoke me, the insults were meaner and really below the belt. And the things were pretty much over in 6 months.
And about being a quitter. It is ok to be one from time to time, especially when the other side doesn't wanna quit being self-destructive and pulling everybody else down.
And about being a quitter. It is ok to be one from time to time, especially when the other side doesn't wanna quit being self-destructive and pulling everybody else down.
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Me Again
[QUOTE=marie1960;5566065]how long can a person drink and not have something horrible happen
Well my ex has to be 27-28 years into his alcohol addiction. To pass him on the street, he is the picture of health, I can only assume his organs have to be experiencing damage, but he walks around, without a care in the world. Well he does have 2 DUI'S under his belt, he did lose his career, but neither of those things have slowed him down in the least.
I am sorry you feel betrayed by your friend, please know this is a great place to vent, share, ask questions, and be with others who truly understand. Look forward to hearing more from you.[/QUOTE
Thank you for your reply. I keep hoping that he might get arrested and made to go into rehab. It seems I'm the only one telling him he has a problem. The few friends he has, I guess drinks themselves, doesn't know he has a problem, or doesn't care. I can't imagine they don't know. When he drinks he calls people. He will talk to one person for 4 hours at a time. What guy stays in the phone that long. How did you get the courage to leave? I'm still hoping for a miracle, that I know will never come. I have never threatened to leave him. He did say a few nights ago when drinking that he know he has lost me, but if he truely has it wouldn't break his heart. I was crushed. He then proceeded to tell me that what he said was a compliment. I'm so confused. Life doesn't need to be this hard. I know I'm a good person, but some days I think it's me that's crazy, and none of this is real. Again thank you for your help and support
Well my ex has to be 27-28 years into his alcohol addiction. To pass him on the street, he is the picture of health, I can only assume his organs have to be experiencing damage, but he walks around, without a care in the world. Well he does have 2 DUI'S under his belt, he did lose his career, but neither of those things have slowed him down in the least.
I am sorry you feel betrayed by your friend, please know this is a great place to vent, share, ask questions, and be with others who truly understand. Look forward to hearing more from you.[/QUOTE
Thank you for your reply. I keep hoping that he might get arrested and made to go into rehab. It seems I'm the only one telling him he has a problem. The few friends he has, I guess drinks themselves, doesn't know he has a problem, or doesn't care. I can't imagine they don't know. When he drinks he calls people. He will talk to one person for 4 hours at a time. What guy stays in the phone that long. How did you get the courage to leave? I'm still hoping for a miracle, that I know will never come. I have never threatened to leave him. He did say a few nights ago when drinking that he know he has lost me, but if he truely has it wouldn't break his heart. I was crushed. He then proceeded to tell me that what he said was a compliment. I'm so confused. Life doesn't need to be this hard. I know I'm a good person, but some days I think it's me that's crazy, and none of this is real. Again thank you for your help and support
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The most important thing for you to know is that it is not your fault. Whatever he says is a bunch of junk. Nothing else. Yes, I do believe alcohol can cause personality changes. Dr jekyll and mr. Hyde type. For my husband things started going down rapidly after he switched to hard liquor. And I know it is a progressive disease, but there is something about whiskey that made him go nuts. Last time I checked, he was on a quart a day.
But if your ah is mean to you, cusses you, calls you names, if you cannot stop arguments, and even if you try to leave, he follows you and goes on and on, consider yourself abused. Detachment may actually make abuse worse, because this is when abusers think they are losing control over you, so the abuse gets more intense. Alcoholism and abuse are two different issues.
As I said, there is a twig that snaps. And you know it is time to leave.
But if your ah is mean to you, cusses you, calls you names, if you cannot stop arguments, and even if you try to leave, he follows you and goes on and on, consider yourself abused. Detachment may actually make abuse worse, because this is when abusers think they are losing control over you, so the abuse gets more intense. Alcoholism and abuse are two different issues.
As I said, there is a twig that snaps. And you know it is time to leave.
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It was not courage, it was the urge. Have you ever tried to catch a train that was leaving, and you were running, and knew you had to hop on it. So it feels that way, only 100 times more intense.
I think in my case, it was a fight-or-flight response. I decided tu run for my life.
I think in my case, it was a fight-or-flight response. I decided tu run for my life.
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We have a saying around here, "let go or be dragged."
For me that is what transpired, got real fed up with waking up with the emotional road rash that comes with living with an active alcoholic. ( And we maintained separate homes)
My body hurt, my mind was in a constant WTH? just happened? , I was isolating myself from the world, lived behind closed doors in shame.
I had zero idea why or how this was happening. Yes, I knew he drank, but I guess I never paid attention, until the drinking was the problem, as his disease was progressing right in front of me.
I was completely lacking of knowledge about addiction.
it wasn't until I started reading everyone else's story here, that the lights came on. Lie after lie, excuse after excuse, deny, deny, deny, shift blame, shift the focus, false promises, broken promises, ranting, raving, blackouts, pissing the bed, trips to the ER,getting in arguments everytime we went out, I was constantly babysitting an adult man, and my personal add, he almost burnt the damn house down when he burned up my brand new overpriced custom made area rug.
As healthyagain said , something snaps, something inside of me just screamed "NO MORE." And I was done, except for the 6 or 7 weeks last year that I let him back in my life, ( after4 years apart) which again ended with a ride on the crazy train from hell.
Zircon, you can tell him everyday of his life that there is a problem, but if HE doesn't choose to address his addiction, absolutely NOTHING is going to change. Oh that's not entirely true, It's going to get worse.
Big Hugs to you, all you can do is start taking better care of yourself, can't look to another for your own inner peace and joy, address your own life needs, and leave him to figure out him.
For me that is what transpired, got real fed up with waking up with the emotional road rash that comes with living with an active alcoholic. ( And we maintained separate homes)
My body hurt, my mind was in a constant WTH? just happened? , I was isolating myself from the world, lived behind closed doors in shame.
I had zero idea why or how this was happening. Yes, I knew he drank, but I guess I never paid attention, until the drinking was the problem, as his disease was progressing right in front of me.
I was completely lacking of knowledge about addiction.
it wasn't until I started reading everyone else's story here, that the lights came on. Lie after lie, excuse after excuse, deny, deny, deny, shift blame, shift the focus, false promises, broken promises, ranting, raving, blackouts, pissing the bed, trips to the ER,getting in arguments everytime we went out, I was constantly babysitting an adult man, and my personal add, he almost burnt the damn house down when he burned up my brand new overpriced custom made area rug.
As healthyagain said , something snaps, something inside of me just screamed "NO MORE." And I was done, except for the 6 or 7 weeks last year that I let him back in my life, ( after4 years apart) which again ended with a ride on the crazy train from hell.
Zircon, you can tell him everyday of his life that there is a problem, but if HE doesn't choose to address his addiction, absolutely NOTHING is going to change. Oh that's not entirely true, It's going to get worse.
Big Hugs to you, all you can do is start taking better care of yourself, can't look to another for your own inner peace and joy, address your own life needs, and leave him to figure out him.
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Zircon, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. I'm also sorry that you feel that your friend betrayed your trust by sharing your husband's behavior with her friends. The thing is, when we spend time around alcoholics, many of us start keeping secrets. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and my life as a kid was a web of secrets. I brought this pattern into my adult relationships, too. I have had to learn that when there is something upsetting going on in my life, it's actually normal to reach out to friends, share what's going on, and ask for help. It sounds like your friend did exactly that. You might not realize it right now, but she is modeling healthy behavior. Your husband made your friend very uncomfortable by saying such nasty things about you and to you, and she was upset by this and reached out to other friends for help. Reaching out for help and not keeping your husband's behavior a secret is healthy for you, too. Look how much support you're getting here on SR by reaching out and being honest!
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When do you know is enough?..........................when the pain of staying becomes greater than your fear of leaving.
You stated you are not a quitter, well, there is no prize for remaining in a toxic verbally abusive relationship with an alcoholic who doesn’t feel they have a problem.
It’s a game you are never going to win.
You stated you are not a quitter, well, there is no prize for remaining in a toxic verbally abusive relationship with an alcoholic who doesn’t feel they have a problem.
It’s a game you are never going to win.
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Feeling Numb
Hi, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support you all are giving me. It might sound funny, but I can feel the true feelings in your words and the caring. He didn't drink last night, but I don't think for a minute he won't tonight. He went to work.
I'm sitting here almost numb, like I'm looking into this other persons life. My friend is gone. I'm now glad she told her friend. I think I've been in my own way protecting my ah, and then in turn shielding myself. Maybe it is denial too.
It's hard for me to step out of that caregiver role. I'm a mom, as well as an ER room nurse in a large trauma center and a homecare IV nurse. I have such a respect for life and death, it hurts to see him this way. I think that's why I asked what made you leave? How much can he drink and still function? Will he start to drink more??
I have been present during the aftermath of when a drunk driver came into the ER, or someone who drank too much.
I also don't understand. He saw me almost die of a brain hemmorage, and yet continues to hurt himself. Again what makes that person want to change?? I know it needs to be my ah that wants to stop. Not simple questions . And probably different for everyone. I know that I need to make a decision because I'm feeling it certainly won't get better on its own. Thank you again for listening. I hope this makes sense.
I'm sitting here almost numb, like I'm looking into this other persons life. My friend is gone. I'm now glad she told her friend. I think I've been in my own way protecting my ah, and then in turn shielding myself. Maybe it is denial too.
It's hard for me to step out of that caregiver role. I'm a mom, as well as an ER room nurse in a large trauma center and a homecare IV nurse. I have such a respect for life and death, it hurts to see him this way. I think that's why I asked what made you leave? How much can he drink and still function? Will he start to drink more??
I have been present during the aftermath of when a drunk driver came into the ER, or someone who drank too much.
I also don't understand. He saw me almost die of a brain hemmorage, and yet continues to hurt himself. Again what makes that person want to change?? I know it needs to be my ah that wants to stop. Not simple questions . And probably different for everyone. I know that I need to make a decision because I'm feeling it certainly won't get better on its own. Thank you again for listening. I hope this makes sense.
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Hi Zircon. It is very tempting to focus on the Why of someone else's addiction when we might be spending that energy, time, and focus on asking ourselves what we want and need and whether our current situation is bringing us closer to those things or further away. Ultimately I had to accept that I would never get answers to those questions that would be worth the energy, time, and focus spent obsessing over them. I had to accept the situation for what it was, not what it could be or what I hoped it would be. Sending you strength and courage.
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I also don't understand. He saw me almost die of a brain hemmorage, and yet continues to hurt himself
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and his consumption will increase. Sometimes they even can stop but usually replace the drink with drugs.
Maybe give al-anon a try, see if there are any meetings in your area. I have used the tools of al-anon in all aspects of my life not just with A’s. I have benefited so much with friends, neighbors, co-workers now that I have learned healthier ways to approach life and the ability to say “no”.
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Zircon, i think the best thing you can do for yourself is read anything and everything about addiction. Once my head started to understand the complexity, and seriousness, my questions of how long can this go on , changed to how much more am I willing/able to endure?
Being in a relationship with someone in active addiction was probably the darkest time of my life.
It's lather, rinse, repeat, day after day, except for the days when something over the top unacceptable happens.
As a nurse I am sure you completely understand the physical side of addiction, but it's that mental addiction that is so frightening, it's all they know, it's like breathing to them.
Just because they get sober doesn't mean they can remain sober, odds of recovery are a very small percentage.
Dumb me thinking, "it's just beer, why in the hell are we in such turmoil over a glass of beer or a mix drink, throw the sh*t out and let's move on.............. not the way this works.............. alcohol or their drug of choice will WIN everytime until they choose different for themselves.
And we sit on the couch going WTF, until the We decide enough is enough.
Being in a relationship with someone in active addiction was probably the darkest time of my life.
It's lather, rinse, repeat, day after day, except for the days when something over the top unacceptable happens.
As a nurse I am sure you completely understand the physical side of addiction, but it's that mental addiction that is so frightening, it's all they know, it's like breathing to them.
Just because they get sober doesn't mean they can remain sober, odds of recovery are a very small percentage.
Dumb me thinking, "it's just beer, why in the hell are we in such turmoil over a glass of beer or a mix drink, throw the sh*t out and let's move on.............. not the way this works.............. alcohol or their drug of choice will WIN everytime until they choose different for themselves.
And we sit on the couch going WTF, until the We decide enough is enough.
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Originally Posted by Zircon
I've never been a quitter.
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Fighting With Myself
Hi, Thank you all again. I will read all I can about addiction. I have been on the other side of addition, and not with my friends or family. I have had the privilege to be at the passings of patients as a result of addictions, for Hospice. I have seen such sadness and grief of the loved ones of kids and adults with addiction.
I always felt very fortunate that I didn't have to face that at home. And you're so right. I didn't think much about his drinking. Yes, he would drink most very night. I also would have a glass or two of wine. When I had my brain hemmorage, I stopped having any alcohol at all. Not sure why, just didn't appeal to me anymore.
He blames my brain hemmorage for changing me. It seems pointless to even have a conversation with him anymore.
It awful, I'm not even sure when he started drinking the hard stuff. I think it's been about 1 1/2 years now. He hides it. Is that normal??? We don't have anyone else in the house, so why does he need to hide it.
Tonight he started on me for this morning. He was getting ready for work and I questioned why he was wearing a really wrinkled shirt and jeans. He told me this morning that everyone wears jeans even though it's against the dress code. Tonight, my ah started saying you started on me this morning about my clothes, and basically ha, ha, ha, I knew better and no one said anything to me at work. Then he stated why would you even think you know!!!! I explained that, I just care about how he looks at work. Believe me, I won't say anything again. My ah was blowing up such a stupid thing into a contest that he was right and I was wrong.
It seems he needs to be right about everything. The latest is that he does everything better than me. I am a poor excuse for a wife. Why does he have the need to put me down??
I know I'm better than that. I'm fighting with myself. I'm trying to make sense logically of a very irrational, unpredictable ah behavior. I thought I knew how to handle life's difficult situations, but I'm finding this disease is like no other. Why didn't I see this coming??? I've been reading lots of stories about marriages that didn't survive and ones that did,
How can a marriage ever be the same after one spouse suffers such emotional isolation and verbal abuse. I am not sure if it is kinder to just walk away, but then again my sense of failure kicks in.
I always felt very fortunate that I didn't have to face that at home. And you're so right. I didn't think much about his drinking. Yes, he would drink most very night. I also would have a glass or two of wine. When I had my brain hemmorage, I stopped having any alcohol at all. Not sure why, just didn't appeal to me anymore.
He blames my brain hemmorage for changing me. It seems pointless to even have a conversation with him anymore.
It awful, I'm not even sure when he started drinking the hard stuff. I think it's been about 1 1/2 years now. He hides it. Is that normal??? We don't have anyone else in the house, so why does he need to hide it.
Tonight he started on me for this morning. He was getting ready for work and I questioned why he was wearing a really wrinkled shirt and jeans. He told me this morning that everyone wears jeans even though it's against the dress code. Tonight, my ah started saying you started on me this morning about my clothes, and basically ha, ha, ha, I knew better and no one said anything to me at work. Then he stated why would you even think you know!!!! I explained that, I just care about how he looks at work. Believe me, I won't say anything again. My ah was blowing up such a stupid thing into a contest that he was right and I was wrong.
It seems he needs to be right about everything. The latest is that he does everything better than me. I am a poor excuse for a wife. Why does he have the need to put me down??
I know I'm better than that. I'm fighting with myself. I'm trying to make sense logically of a very irrational, unpredictable ah behavior. I thought I knew how to handle life's difficult situations, but I'm finding this disease is like no other. Why didn't I see this coming??? I've been reading lots of stories about marriages that didn't survive and ones that did,
How can a marriage ever be the same after one spouse suffers such emotional isolation and verbal abuse. I am not sure if it is kinder to just walk away, but then again my sense of failure kicks in.
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Originally Posted by Zircon
I am not sure if it is kinder to just walk away, but then again my sense of failure kicks in.
From the outside it seems that he's the one who has 'failed' if you want to call it that. You have no control over his drinking, and removing yourself from a damaging situation for the sake of your mental health would be a positive step.
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How are you the quitter ?
You are not choosing to drink each day AND not deal/live in a live and unplugged reality.
You are not the one hiding the booze, and while that is not what a "normal" person does. It is a trait of an alcoholic who thinks he's pulling the wool over your eyes.....or someone that has the out of sight ,out of mind mentality, that my friend is called denial.
i am truly sorry your life has come to this point, i understand, and it sucks.
hugs.
You are not choosing to drink each day AND not deal/live in a live and unplugged reality.
You are not the one hiding the booze, and while that is not what a "normal" person does. It is a trait of an alcoholic who thinks he's pulling the wool over your eyes.....or someone that has the out of sight ,out of mind mentality, that my friend is called denial.
i am truly sorry your life has come to this point, i understand, and it sucks.
hugs.
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It's Not My Fault
Hi, I'm feeling very helpless this morning. I know none of this is my fault, but why I'm I paying such a heavy price for this. My ah just goes about life as if nothing has changed. I guess in truth nothing has.
If I thought for a minute that if I left, it would make a difference I would. I would give him my life to have him whole and back again. Some days, I don't know why I survived the brain hemmorage. There is only a 25% survival rate for my kind of event. But here I am. Trying so hard to have a good rest of my life.
I married my ah 9 yrs ago. We have been together 11. I was married once before for 23 yrs to a very abuse man. Alcoholic wasn't the issue, just nastiness. I was single for 15 yrs, till I found my ah. I couldn't believe how wonderful he was. I guess I should hold onto those memories. I thought I was going to grow old with him. I felt I survived the hemmorage for that reason.
I think in so upset, because the denial is fading and the reality of the situation is finally hitting me. I told you in my last post how he blew up such a small thing, and things he always right. I was just hoping he wasn't drinking.
I found his bottle this morning in his tool box. It doesn't look like he had that much. But with him any is too much. Why am I paying such a heavy price???? I know that this can't continue., The only reason I feel it's not my fault is because of you guys caring and support. How do you start the conversation that he has to leave?? When he's not available to listen to anything?? How do I ask him to leave when I know he has no place to go?? Again, he thinks how he talks to me and treats me is ok. Again he has said to be it will be my word against his. He also threatened me that he has already seen a divorce attorney. Who would even say that if they didn't mean it. He threatens all the time when I question his drinking. How long can my ah keep it together??? I dont want to leave my home. I have 3 dogs, they are my kids. They get scared when he drinks. I think they sense the change. I won't go without them. Why should I leave???? But again he thinks I'm the one with the problem. Sorry I'm rambling. Just very upset today.
If I thought for a minute that if I left, it would make a difference I would. I would give him my life to have him whole and back again. Some days, I don't know why I survived the brain hemmorage. There is only a 25% survival rate for my kind of event. But here I am. Trying so hard to have a good rest of my life.
I married my ah 9 yrs ago. We have been together 11. I was married once before for 23 yrs to a very abuse man. Alcoholic wasn't the issue, just nastiness. I was single for 15 yrs, till I found my ah. I couldn't believe how wonderful he was. I guess I should hold onto those memories. I thought I was going to grow old with him. I felt I survived the hemmorage for that reason.
I think in so upset, because the denial is fading and the reality of the situation is finally hitting me. I told you in my last post how he blew up such a small thing, and things he always right. I was just hoping he wasn't drinking.
I found his bottle this morning in his tool box. It doesn't look like he had that much. But with him any is too much. Why am I paying such a heavy price???? I know that this can't continue., The only reason I feel it's not my fault is because of you guys caring and support. How do you start the conversation that he has to leave?? When he's not available to listen to anything?? How do I ask him to leave when I know he has no place to go?? Again, he thinks how he talks to me and treats me is ok. Again he has said to be it will be my word against his. He also threatened me that he has already seen a divorce attorney. Who would even say that if they didn't mean it. He threatens all the time when I question his drinking. How long can my ah keep it together??? I dont want to leave my home. I have 3 dogs, they are my kids. They get scared when he drinks. I think they sense the change. I won't go without them. Why should I leave???? But again he thinks I'm the one with the problem. Sorry I'm rambling. Just very upset today.
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