Addicts are smarter than they seem
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
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Addicts are smarter than they seem
So after coming home and making all the promises that we all hope to hear, my ABF relapsed last night after 2 1/2 weeks of an attempt at sobriety. He left our bed in the middle of the night, took money from my purse (that I did not know was in there as I never keep cash anymore) and used. Then came home, woke me up and told me. The part that is so madding is that no boundary was broken. He did not lie, he did not run to his parents house, he did not pawn anything or use his driver license to get a pay day loan. He even went to an NA meeting this morning (attending meetings is a boundary).
So I cannot even get mad, I guess I need to make a new boundary, you cannot get high and come back to the house.
Maybe addicts are too smart or I am too stupid (I guess 7 years of college/graduate school was not enough)
Owl
So I cannot even get mad, I guess I need to make a new boundary, you cannot get high and come back to the house.
Maybe addicts are too smart or I am too stupid (I guess 7 years of college/graduate school was not enough)
Owl
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
about boundaries....you are not obligated to announce them. Only if you want to.
Boundaries are not "rules" for someone else to follow. They are boundaries to protect you. They are like limits for what you will n ot ever allow or tolerate---for yourself.
dandylion
Boundaries are not "rules" for someone else to follow. They are boundaries to protect you. They are like limits for what you will n ot ever allow or tolerate---for yourself.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Owl,
Yes, addicts are positively brilliant when they are motivated! Your's sounds like a hair-splitting lawyer.
"... took money from my purse ..... used.... came home....and told me.... went to an NA meeting this morning...."
Obviously the taking money part is a no-no, but I am curious about the "telling" part of your story. Was this a confessional type telling or a nanny-nanny-boo- boo, in-your-face type of telling?
If confessional, it could be a positive sign for him - sort of like - "I used again and I am ashamed of myself for it. I am really disappointed in me, I was doing so well for a while." And off he has gone to a NA meeting to spill his guts there.
Realize this is pure conjecture on my part, just perhaps a different perspective. It would all depend on the nature of the "telling".
One day at a time,
Jim
Yes, addicts are positively brilliant when they are motivated! Your's sounds like a hair-splitting lawyer.
"... took money from my purse ..... used.... came home....and told me.... went to an NA meeting this morning...."
Obviously the taking money part is a no-no, but I am curious about the "telling" part of your story. Was this a confessional type telling or a nanny-nanny-boo- boo, in-your-face type of telling?
If confessional, it could be a positive sign for him - sort of like - "I used again and I am ashamed of myself for it. I am really disappointed in me, I was doing so well for a while." And off he has gone to a NA meeting to spill his guts there.
Realize this is pure conjecture on my part, just perhaps a different perspective. It would all depend on the nature of the "telling".
One day at a time,
Jim
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
What do YOU want this to mean?
It doesn't matter what HE thinks it means, or if he managed to squeak through all the loopholes; what matters is if you trust him, believe that he is in recovery with one lapse, whatever your gut reactions are.
YOU are what counts here. This is your life, and you get to react however you need to, regardless of anything else.
ShootingStar1
It doesn't matter what HE thinks it means, or if he managed to squeak through all the loopholes; what matters is if you trust him, believe that he is in recovery with one lapse, whatever your gut reactions are.
YOU are what counts here. This is your life, and you get to react however you need to, regardless of anything else.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Owl1370 
The part that is so madding is that no boundary was broken. He did not lie, he did not run to his parents house, he did not pawn anything or use his driver license to get a pay day loan. He even went to an NA meeting this morning (attending meetings is a boundary).
So I cannot even get mad, I guess I need to make a new boundary, you cannot get high and come back to the house.
Maybe addicts are too smart or I am too stupid (I guess 7 years of college/graduate school was not enough)
Owl
So I cannot even get mad, I guess I need to make a new boundary, you cannot get high and come back to the house.
Maybe addicts are too smart or I am too stupid (I guess 7 years of college/graduate school was not enough)
Owl
Boundaries are not rules for him to have to follow they are self-respecting, self -worth NOT accepting un-acceptable behaviors because you value yourself enough.
He disrespected you as a person by stealing from you……….then he manipulates the consequences (like most addicts do) by admitting it. Then he takes himself (high as a kite) to a NA meeting (if he even really went all to avoid any ill consequences of his actions and I’m sure since he got away with it this time he can get away with it next time.
How about your boundary is - no addicts are allowed in my home at all period, until they have been clean for a long time.
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The part that is so madding is that no boundary was broken.
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Location: Iowa
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Stole money, got high, woke you up. But "no boundary was broken." What exactly are your boundaries?
Him attending NA meetings isn't a boundary. It's a rule for him to follow, which also apparently functions as a Get out of Jail Free card. "Hey honey, I stole your money to get high and woke you up to to tell you, but that's OK because I'm going to appease you with an NA meeting."
A boundary is "I won't live in a home with a thief or an active addict."
Him attending NA meetings isn't a boundary. It's a rule for him to follow, which also apparently functions as a Get out of Jail Free card. "Hey honey, I stole your money to get high and woke you up to to tell you, but that's OK because I'm going to appease you with an NA meeting."
A boundary is "I won't live in a home with a thief or an active addict."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
All of these comments are so thought provoking. I want to take his "confession" as a call for help as my ABF uses alone and lies and covers up. Taking money out of my purse is a low point for him. However, he also has given all his money over to me because money is a serious trigger for him. It was a small amount of money ---$20.00 and not even enough to get high on. I probably would not have known if he had not have told me.
I know there is no correct answer. I have been attending Nar Anon meetings both on line and in person and have been going to therapy. I am trying to learn not to enable and to set boundaries. I am wondering if I should just let this go and see what he does with in. ABF is in IOP program that does urine testing. He plans to go tonight and says he will be honest. I want to see if this is a learning experience or is just another broken promise of sobriety before I decided what it means.
Its just so hard seeing someone you love become someone you hate. Thanks for letting me share though. Its so nice to hear all of the view points and thoughts and to know you are not alone .
I know there is no correct answer. I have been attending Nar Anon meetings both on line and in person and have been going to therapy. I am trying to learn not to enable and to set boundaries. I am wondering if I should just let this go and see what he does with in. ABF is in IOP program that does urine testing. He plans to go tonight and says he will be honest. I want to see if this is a learning experience or is just another broken promise of sobriety before I decided what it means.
Its just so hard seeing someone you love become someone you hate. Thanks for letting me share though. Its so nice to hear all of the view points and thoughts and to know you are not alone .
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
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Originally Posted by Owl1370
He left our bed in the middle of the night, took money from my purse...
...He did not lie, he did not run to his parents house, he did not pawn anything or use his driver license to get a pay day loan. He even went to an NA meeting this morning (attending meetings is a boundary).
Owl
...He did not lie, he did not run to his parents house, he did not pawn anything or use his driver license to get a pay day loan. He even went to an NA meeting this morning (attending meetings is a boundary).
Owl
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Stole money, got high, woke you up. But "no boundary was broken." What exactly are your boundaries?
Him attending NA meetings isn't a boundary. It's a rule for him to follow, which also apparently functions as a Get out of Jail Free card. "Hey honey, I stole your money to get high and woke you up to to tell you, but that's OK because I'm going to appease you with an NA meeting."
A boundary is "I won't live in a home with a thief or an active addict."
Him attending NA meetings isn't a boundary. It's a rule for him to follow, which also apparently functions as a Get out of Jail Free card. "Hey honey, I stole your money to get high and woke you up to to tell you, but that's OK because I'm going to appease you with an NA meeting."
A boundary is "I won't live in a home with a thief or an active addict."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
Totally agree with everyone else. He knew he did something wrong, or he wouldn't have confessed to you. He knows what he did, even if he plays dumb or tries to put it back on you. The thing with addicts is that it's always YOUR fault, not theirs. They can't accept responsibility. It's YOUR fault that YOU didn't set the boundaries, not the other way around. Listen to his actions, not his words.
The main focus of everything here is this -- how does all of this make you feel, and what are you going to do about it? If you're pissed off, angry, hurt, and upset -- which are all valid things that you are well within your right to feel -- then you have every right to feel those things. You aren't obligated for one second to make concessions to him just because you didn't specifically stipulate every single thing you needed from him.
Your boundary was that he not use drugs. He broke that. He broke that and he's trying to make it your fault, but it isn't.
If you want this to be a dealbreaker that drives you back out of the house, that's OK. You can bolt, never look back, and have a clean conscience about it, because next time he might not even bother to confess it to you.
The main focus of everything here is this -- how does all of this make you feel, and what are you going to do about it? If you're pissed off, angry, hurt, and upset -- which are all valid things that you are well within your right to feel -- then you have every right to feel those things. You aren't obligated for one second to make concessions to him just because you didn't specifically stipulate every single thing you needed from him.
Your boundary was that he not use drugs. He broke that. He broke that and he's trying to make it your fault, but it isn't.
If you want this to be a dealbreaker that drives you back out of the house, that's OK. You can bolt, never look back, and have a clean conscience about it, because next time he might not even bother to confess it to you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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What he did was hurtful, you have a right to have feelings about this, just saying. And taking property of others is absolutely wrong, no matter what.
Addicts are manipulative, I would not necessarily say smart.
Many hugs to you.
Addicts are manipulative, I would not necessarily say smart.
Many hugs to you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I know there is no correct answer.
In the summer of 2014, someone broke into my car, stole my sunglasses and stole my golf clubs. This is fundamentally no different than him going into your purse and stealing your money. Both are violations. Both are considered unacceptable behavior in a civilized society. Where my situation and yours differ is you know and love the person who stole from you. But just because you love someone does not mean that person has carte blanche to do whatever. Stealing is an inexcusable violation of the intimate trust you have put in him.
There is right, and there is wrong. What he did was wrong, period.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by Owl1370
I know there is no correct answer. I have been attending Nar Anon meetings both on line and in person and have been going to therapy. I am trying to learn not to enable and to set boundaries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Zoso - You are right, I would totally be pissed if I did not know the person who stole. So my heart and my head are at war. ABF went to his IOP tonight. He had a good session and told everyone what he did.
I fear that its crap and I fear that I make the same mistake again. I also love this person. Love is not always rational or smart. If my friend told me this story, I would tell them to run. I would tell them they can do better. But my heart is not ready to leave and I still have hope. Not sure what to do with my silly heart.
I fear that its crap and I fear that I make the same mistake again. I also love this person. Love is not always rational or smart. If my friend told me this story, I would tell them to run. I would tell them they can do better. But my heart is not ready to leave and I still have hope. Not sure what to do with my silly heart.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
HE STOLE FROM YOU. Isn't trust a boundary you'd like share.
Listen, I can go rob a bank and then confess to the police...doesn't mean I am not going to get convicted of the crime and serve time. Maybe you need new boundaries drawn up?
Listen, I can go rob a bank and then confess to the police...doesn't mean I am not going to get convicted of the crime and serve time. Maybe you need new boundaries drawn up?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by Owl1370
So I cannot even get mad, I guess I need to make a new boundary, you cannot get high and come back to the house.
Owl
Sounds to me like he did it with the intent to ask for forgiveness later, possibly knowing full well you would. He really does know how to think outside the box!
If I were you, I'd be REAL mad! LOL!
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