Year 5.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Year 5.
Today is the first day of sober year 5.
I've been having anxious feelings all week and found myself entertaining 'what if' type drinking thoughts. Not fantasies as such, more like 'what if my son saw me drunk' or 'what would it be like having to start another recovery if I picked up'. I am not remotely tempted to drink, but I have noticed more of them than usual.
It is crucial for me to remain vigilant and keep firmly in mind all the reasons that I stopped; to keep doing the things that have kept me sober. The old AA adage of 'while I've been sober my illness has been doing pushups' has a lot of truth to it - I can hear 'it' muttering at the back of my head sometimes.
I imagined that a few years down the line of sobriety, I'd be constantly radiant with inner peace. Occasionally I am but it turns out that dealing with life sober can be, well - sobering. My life is much quieter and without the pinball highs and lows. Sometimes I have trouble accepting that this is the real me.
I'm grateful every day to SR although I am not a regular poster. Without the many good people here and their patient encouragement, I'd be in a very different place.
Max
I've been having anxious feelings all week and found myself entertaining 'what if' type drinking thoughts. Not fantasies as such, more like 'what if my son saw me drunk' or 'what would it be like having to start another recovery if I picked up'. I am not remotely tempted to drink, but I have noticed more of them than usual.
It is crucial for me to remain vigilant and keep firmly in mind all the reasons that I stopped; to keep doing the things that have kept me sober. The old AA adage of 'while I've been sober my illness has been doing pushups' has a lot of truth to it - I can hear 'it' muttering at the back of my head sometimes.
I imagined that a few years down the line of sobriety, I'd be constantly radiant with inner peace. Occasionally I am but it turns out that dealing with life sober can be, well - sobering. My life is much quieter and without the pinball highs and lows. Sometimes I have trouble accepting that this is the real me.
I'm grateful every day to SR although I am not a regular poster. Without the many good people here and their patient encouragement, I'd be in a very different place.
Max
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I was on year 5 when I got hooked on non-alcoholic cough syrup. I had to ask from help from my family. I went into the hospital for a week that cost me thousands of dollars. If you feel depressed get help. If you feel like drinking reach out. You won't regret that, but I am now struggle because of money because I didn't admit I was depressed. I was fat, single, and I was looking for something to numb myself. I didn't want to drink, and I wanted something other than nachos to ease my pain. So reach out if you need help. It unlocks your potential if you stay sober. Starting my recovery over was not bad though. I obsessively go to AA and that never stopped even though I was drinking cough syrup. I just admitted my mistake and started grinding again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by sobermax 
Today is the first day of sober year 5.
Going to an AA meeting tomorrow morning to see a friend get 3 years.
You two show us that it can be done.
MM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Congratulations on the beginning of your fifth year, Max. Thank you, as well for sharing your reflections about your recent feelings. I can relate--every time I think I've got a handle on "who" I am, it's knocked off kilter. Sobriety doesn't always take us to the destination we imagined, but at a minimum, it keeps us on the right path.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by sobermax
Today is the first day of sober year 5.
I've been having anxious feelings all week and found myself entertaining 'what if' type drinking thoughts. Not fantasies as such, more like 'what if my son saw me drunk' or 'what would it be like having to start another recovery if I picked up'. I am not remotely tempted to drink, but I have noticed more of them than usual.
It is crucial for me to remain vigilant and keep firmly in mind all the reasons that I stopped; to keep doing the things that have kept me sober. The old AA adage of 'while I've been sober my illness has been doing pushups' has a lot of truth to it - I can hear 'it' muttering at the back of my head sometimes.
I imagined that a few years down the line of sobriety, I'd be constantly radiant with inner peace. Occasionally I am but it turns out that dealing with life sober can be, well - sobering. My life is much quieter and without the pinball highs and lows. Sometimes I have trouble accepting that this is the real me.
I'm grateful every day to SR although I am not a regular poster. Without the many good people here and their patient encouragement, I'd be in a very different place.
Max
I've been having anxious feelings all week and found myself entertaining 'what if' type drinking thoughts. Not fantasies as such, more like 'what if my son saw me drunk' or 'what would it be like having to start another recovery if I picked up'. I am not remotely tempted to drink, but I have noticed more of them than usual.
It is crucial for me to remain vigilant and keep firmly in mind all the reasons that I stopped; to keep doing the things that have kept me sober. The old AA adage of 'while I've been sober my illness has been doing pushups' has a lot of truth to it - I can hear 'it' muttering at the back of my head sometimes.
I imagined that a few years down the line of sobriety, I'd be constantly radiant with inner peace. Occasionally I am but it turns out that dealing with life sober can be, well - sobering. My life is much quieter and without the pinball highs and lows. Sometimes I have trouble accepting that this is the real me.
I'm grateful every day to SR although I am not a regular poster. Without the many good people here and their patient encouragement, I'd be in a very different place.
Max
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Congrats Max 
Yeah lifes not perfect but it's a million times better than it was.
If you're not sure you're in touch with the authentic you, that sounds like a good journey to go on to me?
Ask yourself the difficult questions...
What is the authentic you ? how far away from that are you?
what would it take for the authentic you to be happy and at peace?
you may find that doubt is pure AV BS, or you might find a way to greater peace and happiness - win win really
D
Yeah lifes not perfect but it's a million times better than it was.
If you're not sure you're in touch with the authentic you, that sounds like a good journey to go on to me?
Ask yourself the difficult questions...
What is the authentic you ? how far away from that are you?
what would it take for the authentic you to be happy and at peace?
you may find that doubt is pure AV BS, or you might find a way to greater peace and happiness - win win really
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Congratulations on starting year 5. That's great!
I understand those feelings so it's great that you are reaching out and giving voice to them. I'm at 21 months and there are days when I ask myself if this is really it. But I keep plugging away because bad days sober are still a thousand times better than the best day with a hangover.
I understand those feelings so it's great that you are reaching out and giving voice to them. I'm at 21 months and there are days when I ask myself if this is really it. But I keep plugging away because bad days sober are still a thousand times better than the best day with a hangover.
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