InShock

Hello, This is my first time visiting. My Mom died of Alcoholic Cirrhosis on 6/6/2015. I did not know she was an alcoholic. For the past few years, she became weak and tired all of the time. After my Dad's death in 2002 she was always very secretive and private and our relationship changed. She stopped calling me and I always called her.

This Spring , things went downhill. She never let me know what was going on with her health much or take her to the doctor. She said she didn't want to be a burden, pushed me away and said she could take care of her health. 4 days before her death, she let me go to the doctor with her. The doctor said she had cirrhosis due to drinking and also a blood clot in a vein in her abdomen as a result. She was on blood thinners and diuretics to help. He was happy with her progress as the swelling in her legs and feet had gone down. He scheduled a CT scan in 3 months.

On 6/6/2015. She didn't respond and eventually died in the care of Firefighers/EMTs.

I never knew she was an alcoholic. I suspected at times and talked to her about it and she denied having a problem. She got mad anytime I voiced concerns and would threaten me and manipulate me to the point where I just dropped it.

She was a wonderful Mother to me. I mean really wonderful, and a phenomenal Grandmother to our daughter. I don't get it. The last few years though, she became even more secretive, withdrawn and her personality really did change.

I will be looking into her medical records etc for more information soon and will get a malpractice attorney to make sure she was cared for properly by her HMO doctors.

I just don't get it. I am in shock. Can someone explain to me why someone who was a good Mom do this to their Adult Child?

Thank you, InShock

Kialua

So sorry this happened to you. We all deal with death differently, it would seem your Mom dealt with your Dad's death by drinking and it got the better of her. She didn't do it to you, she did it to her. You were a by product in her path, and a path that is filled with liquor rarely makes sense to anyone, even the one drinking. You might want to talk to her doctor, I don't know if one can die from drinking by cirrhosis of the liver in such a short amount of time. My alcoholic Dad drank till he was 80 and never got it. But I am not a doctor and not sure. My point is maybe she drank more and longer than you were aware of. I hope you are not blaming yourself for not seeing it, it can be very hard to see. We have a saying called the "The Three C's" You didn't Cause it, You couldn't have Controlled it, and You couldn't have Cured it." She might have done you a tremendous favor in hiding it so well alleviating you years of torment.

happybeingme

She certainly didn't mean to affect you. She had an illness called alcoholism. Probably coupled with clinical depression. Nothing you or her doctors could have done anything to fix it. There is no way to tell how much she drank, how long she drank, or if she drank again after she was released from the hospital. If her death certificate says cause of death was alcoholic cirrhosis call the coroner and ask them to explain all of their findings. A doctor can't force someone into rehab the only thing they can do is a medical detox and make recommendations.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

silentrun

Sorry about your mom InShock.
It doesn't affect some people until later on in life. If she drank to ease the pain of your dad's death she unknowingly put herself in a situation to turn that switch on. Once it's on all reason goes out the window and it controls the person. It is possible for someone to hide it from the world especially if they live alone. That could be one of the reasons she was shutting down, there is a lot of shame attached to it. The behavior you describe sounds like that is what was going on. Women's bodies have a harder time processing alcohol and her age could have been a factor too. She sounds like she was a wonderful person and I'm sorry this got to her.

InShock

Thank you so much for your replies. You have no idea how helpful they are. The concept of my Mother being an alcoholic is new to me. To clarify, her death certificate says she died of alcoholic cirrhosis. It also says Alcohol Abuse created the cause of death and that she had it for 20 years. I don't get it, because at that time I wasn't even living with her - I was away at College.
I do know that the doctors finally diagnosed her with alcoholic cirrhosis on 3/19/15. She died on 6/6/15. She knew she had it and didn't tell me. It kills me.
She kept saying she would get better and we would get through this. 4 days prior to her death she finally let me accompany her to the doctor. The doctor said she had cirrhosis due to drinking and also a blood clot in a vein in her abdomen as a result.

I just don't get it. She had a beautiful life. My Dad (Her Husband) was her absolute soulmate. They had an interracial relationship and were pioneers in the 60's and 70's and got married despite upset on both sides of the family. She had a great career as an attorney and I thought we had a great relationship. If the death certificate is true, that means she was drinking about 8 years before my Dad died of cancer. Which I truly don't get. She was very stressed out about work a lot. But I never thought in a million years my Mom was an alcoholic. She liked her wine and I knew that. Apparently, if this is true, my Mom was always drunk around me.

I am going to look deeper into her medical records. I want to get a malpractice attorney to look into this for me. Even though she had alcoholic cirrhosis it was only diagnosed 3 months before her death. Why not before then? I want to make sure she had the best care. I have to accept whatever the outcome is and I get that. I am just so distraught and confused. I thought we had a special relationship- but I guess not.

Thanks for listening!

InShock

Fluffer

InShock

I'm so sorry to hear what brings you here. You must be in a lot of pain.

Something you should know about alcoholics is that they can be very secretive and even deceptive about their addictions. If she successfully hid her addiction from her family, then she was almost certainly not going to be truthful with her doctors. They are not trained nor responsible for ferreting out people's addictions, and normally their warnings to addicts are ignored. While it is may seem like someone is to blame for this situation other than the addiction, I would not get your hopes up for success in suing her doctors. If they were liable for addicts' continued use, they would mostly be out of business.

Kialua

InShock, yeah I'm not surprised that you found out she drank for 20 years, it's not uncommon to hide it and she did it well. Being a trailblazer and a lawyer must have been very stressful and this is how she coped. She didn't want anyone to know, especially you. She wanted to protect you, and protect her drinking. From you and from the doctors. Give yourself some time to absorb this.

InShock

You have no idea how much you all have helped me. Thank you! She was extremely protective of me, until the very end. Apparently she was protective or her drinking as well. I am continuing to absorb this. I am going to look into getting a malpractice attorney just to look into things, but I won't get my hopes up. It's possible that I will never know the full truth other then that her death certificate says she died of alcoholic cirrhosis and alcohol abuse for 20 years.

PurpleKnight

Very sorry for your loss InShock!! Welcome to the Forum!!

tromboneliness

This is what's so baffling -- the medical professionals probably had no idea the extent of drinking that was going on, because she just looked them in the eye and denied it. My "qualifier" did exactly that, despite having advanced cirrhosis that blew up her liver to the size of a football, sticking out from under her rib cage -- she would swear up and down that she did not drink. The doctors would puzzle over this, call in specialists to help them diagnose what sort of rare condition could possibly be causing this catastrophic liver damage without alcohol (rare, but I guess it does happen). They would scratch their heads in search of a solution. My Dad did pretty much the same thing, although his health situation wasn't anywhere near as bad (and he lived to 90). That's what they do -- deny, deny, deny. When they're totally backed into a corner, then they blame someone else for "making them drink." Alcohol is more important to them than anything else -- their family, loved ones, and life itself. So sorry to hear you have had to go through this.

T

NWGRITS

No one can force an addict into recovery. Under certain circumstances where mental capacity is in question, they can be detained, but the doctors couldn't force your mother to stop. Doctors and hospitals see patients every day in the throes of addiction who are at various stages and will deny it till the cows come home. The doctors did what they could - what SHE would allow. That's the sad truth. She did this to herself. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially not having known she was drinking for so long. It's so hard to blame her for essentially killing herself, but that is the only place where blame lies. Addiction is ugly and it destroys lives. The only person who can make the decision to really get help is the addict themselves.

autumn4

I am so sorry for your loss .
I Do know that alcoholism is a disease of denial and shame..particulary for women alcoholics. What a wonderful mum she was..especially that she wanted to protect you from the consequences of this disease.. as they can be far reaching into the family when a parent drinks openly in front of offspring.
My mum was an alc who died suddenly with a heart attack, liver disease as well, which they dont always put that on the death certificate.