Silence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
Silence
Please read this even if it gets kinda long. Thank you. Right now i just need to know that i'm not alone.
My partner is an alcoholic. Had been since almost the birth of our first son almost 4 years ago. About 7 months ago he went to rehab (when i was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd), finally after years of me asking and begging. I hide it for him for a while, that was easy for me as i have really bad anxiety and prefer to keep to myself. I found at some point I stopped loving him the way I use to, I didnt want to spend time with him, he was just the the guy I live with, but i couldnt leave him. I still loved and cared for him, but it wasnt the same. In june of last year i got sick of it and moved myself and our 2 year old out of the home we shared and stayed with my parents. After a few days i visited with our son and to me he seemed better, I was happy. I stayed at my parents until September of that year. Everytime I saw him in between, I was amazed with how well he was looking and doing. we ending up sleeping together. We didnt use protection, which I know was stupid. The next day I thought about how nice it would be to have a little baby, someone else for me to love and take care of and soothe my growing loniliness. My anxiety kicked in and the next morning I was at the store getting emergency contraception. I knew now was the wrong the time and a baby wouldnt fix anything. Well the pill didnt work, I got pregnant anyways. This is when I started bargaining with him, like please get help i got your back, and i'll tell your dad/friends so they can help too. He started drinking at work when he'd work the evening shift. He was caught and told if he didnt go to rehab he would be fired. He went the next morning to the hospital for detox followed by rehab. I was 7 months pregnant and had my 3 year old, but i promised him I would hold the fort down while he was gone. life felt near impossible for me at this time. the friends that were so supportive at first dissapeared after a couple weeks, I was alone, tired and scared. He did his 3 months and came home right after the baby was born (he was allowed to be at the hospital and go back to the center at night). He was helpful, took our 3 year old to the park all the time, talked to me instead of his phone, he was going to meetings and doing "homework" as he called it. He was the person I fell in love with. About a month ago I started notcing little things. he'd start arguing for no reasons, his temper was short, he was always on his phone ( talking to girls i would find out after, i let him do it and i dont know why) and my pop was being drank pretty fast by someone who dislikes just pop, and he was annoyed with everyone all the time. I finally caught on and confronted him and he came clean and admitted it. I told him he should get in touch with his dr or call his sponsor, or i would call his dad for him for support, he said no and cried and begged me not to tell anyone and not to worry because he just needed to get focused and he was doing that once the weeekend was over. about3 weeks ago he started drinking everyday, he drank when we stayed at his sisters we hadnt seen in 4 years (he told her he was still sober so hid the drinking) he drank at my familys for my birthday dinner (again hid it). I told him everyday he needed to stop, that i couldnt do this nor subject our kids to it ( he started getting sick every morning and not cleaning up after himself. But still despite all that, I still told no one. I kept it to myself. He told me he'd never trust me if I told anyone. With my anxiety as bad as it is I couldnt imagine him not talking to me, he's the only one besides our kids that I have. My anxiety and his drinking have isolated me. I have no one and i just didnt want to be alone.
Last evening he told me we were going to stay at a hotel downtown for the night with the kids. He was heavily drunk at the time. I told him we dont have money to stay in a hotel (rent is already late). he said it was suprise for my birthday (that was 3 weeks ago, and he knows I hate paying to stay at hotels, especially the $350/night one he booked and paid for, so i know this was a lie.) I told him we werent going and he said its already paid for. I said fine just dont drink and we'll all go, watching you drink somewhere else is not a fun trip for me or the boys. He wouldnt agree not to drink. He spent the rest of the night giving me the silent treatment and going back and forth between our apartment and the guy across the hall, who is an actual drug dealer and addict. Today he went to the hotel alone, I knew he was going to drink but I didnt give it a second thought because I was so mad at him for drinking again when he had all the tools at his disposal to make sure he didnt drink. I got a text from one his rehab buddies to call. I called him and he's instantly yelling me asking if I knew J. was drinking again. I told him I did and explained why I had not said anything. He was still yelling saying that J. was at the hotel drinking way too much and could die. My honest thought was so? I knew he would probably over do it tonight, I just couldnt care. His friend continued telling me that J. got to this point because i didnt reach out to ask for help for him, that if J. were to die it was my fault for keeping the secret. His friend called 911 and the hotel to let them know J.'s back story and what J. told him on the phone (how much he had been drinking so far). I havent heard anything yet to where he is (his friend says they'll prob take him to the hospital if he's had as much to drink as he says.) I'm scared for him to come home, especially if his friends call gets him booted from the hotel and J. convinces them he doesnt need a hospital stay. He'll blame this all in me even thought I didnt know anything happened until after it happened. I worry that everyone will blame me for this. That I should have said something. That its my fault. and maybe it is, maybe I should have told someone when I saw it was becoming a problem. I cant go back and change anything and now not only am I already going to lose my best friend but all his friends will be hating on me too for not saying anything. He'll have so much support (because he actually has friends) and they'll take his side, and i'll have no one. I can't help thinking that if i had said something we wouldnt be where we are today. the thought of being alone killing me.
I had to get this off my chest. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, just water and pop, because i'm just to sore in the stomach. I cant talk to anyone because there is no one to talk to. I need to know that I'm not alone, because i feel that like a ton of bricks right now.
I want a life for me and my boys. What we have now is not a life. Everday is me trying to hold my **** together because I know, despite so badly wanting to quit and just give up, there is no one those boys have in this world but me. After J. went to rehab I thought that this was it, that the amazing life i thought I would have would begin. I promised myself i wouldnt hold my breath, that he could fail, but I forgot all that when he was doing so well. Everything is crashing. I'm sorry that I didnt reach out for him, I just couldnt do it.....
My partner is an alcoholic. Had been since almost the birth of our first son almost 4 years ago. About 7 months ago he went to rehab (when i was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd), finally after years of me asking and begging. I hide it for him for a while, that was easy for me as i have really bad anxiety and prefer to keep to myself. I found at some point I stopped loving him the way I use to, I didnt want to spend time with him, he was just the the guy I live with, but i couldnt leave him. I still loved and cared for him, but it wasnt the same. In june of last year i got sick of it and moved myself and our 2 year old out of the home we shared and stayed with my parents. After a few days i visited with our son and to me he seemed better, I was happy. I stayed at my parents until September of that year. Everytime I saw him in between, I was amazed with how well he was looking and doing. we ending up sleeping together. We didnt use protection, which I know was stupid. The next day I thought about how nice it would be to have a little baby, someone else for me to love and take care of and soothe my growing loniliness. My anxiety kicked in and the next morning I was at the store getting emergency contraception. I knew now was the wrong the time and a baby wouldnt fix anything. Well the pill didnt work, I got pregnant anyways. This is when I started bargaining with him, like please get help i got your back, and i'll tell your dad/friends so they can help too. He started drinking at work when he'd work the evening shift. He was caught and told if he didnt go to rehab he would be fired. He went the next morning to the hospital for detox followed by rehab. I was 7 months pregnant and had my 3 year old, but i promised him I would hold the fort down while he was gone. life felt near impossible for me at this time. the friends that were so supportive at first dissapeared after a couple weeks, I was alone, tired and scared. He did his 3 months and came home right after the baby was born (he was allowed to be at the hospital and go back to the center at night). He was helpful, took our 3 year old to the park all the time, talked to me instead of his phone, he was going to meetings and doing "homework" as he called it. He was the person I fell in love with. About a month ago I started notcing little things. he'd start arguing for no reasons, his temper was short, he was always on his phone ( talking to girls i would find out after, i let him do it and i dont know why) and my pop was being drank pretty fast by someone who dislikes just pop, and he was annoyed with everyone all the time. I finally caught on and confronted him and he came clean and admitted it. I told him he should get in touch with his dr or call his sponsor, or i would call his dad for him for support, he said no and cried and begged me not to tell anyone and not to worry because he just needed to get focused and he was doing that once the weeekend was over. about3 weeks ago he started drinking everyday, he drank when we stayed at his sisters we hadnt seen in 4 years (he told her he was still sober so hid the drinking) he drank at my familys for my birthday dinner (again hid it). I told him everyday he needed to stop, that i couldnt do this nor subject our kids to it ( he started getting sick every morning and not cleaning up after himself. But still despite all that, I still told no one. I kept it to myself. He told me he'd never trust me if I told anyone. With my anxiety as bad as it is I couldnt imagine him not talking to me, he's the only one besides our kids that I have. My anxiety and his drinking have isolated me. I have no one and i just didnt want to be alone.
Last evening he told me we were going to stay at a hotel downtown for the night with the kids. He was heavily drunk at the time. I told him we dont have money to stay in a hotel (rent is already late). he said it was suprise for my birthday (that was 3 weeks ago, and he knows I hate paying to stay at hotels, especially the $350/night one he booked and paid for, so i know this was a lie.) I told him we werent going and he said its already paid for. I said fine just dont drink and we'll all go, watching you drink somewhere else is not a fun trip for me or the boys. He wouldnt agree not to drink. He spent the rest of the night giving me the silent treatment and going back and forth between our apartment and the guy across the hall, who is an actual drug dealer and addict. Today he went to the hotel alone, I knew he was going to drink but I didnt give it a second thought because I was so mad at him for drinking again when he had all the tools at his disposal to make sure he didnt drink. I got a text from one his rehab buddies to call. I called him and he's instantly yelling me asking if I knew J. was drinking again. I told him I did and explained why I had not said anything. He was still yelling saying that J. was at the hotel drinking way too much and could die. My honest thought was so? I knew he would probably over do it tonight, I just couldnt care. His friend continued telling me that J. got to this point because i didnt reach out to ask for help for him, that if J. were to die it was my fault for keeping the secret. His friend called 911 and the hotel to let them know J.'s back story and what J. told him on the phone (how much he had been drinking so far). I havent heard anything yet to where he is (his friend says they'll prob take him to the hospital if he's had as much to drink as he says.) I'm scared for him to come home, especially if his friends call gets him booted from the hotel and J. convinces them he doesnt need a hospital stay. He'll blame this all in me even thought I didnt know anything happened until after it happened. I worry that everyone will blame me for this. That I should have said something. That its my fault. and maybe it is, maybe I should have told someone when I saw it was becoming a problem. I cant go back and change anything and now not only am I already going to lose my best friend but all his friends will be hating on me too for not saying anything. He'll have so much support (because he actually has friends) and they'll take his side, and i'll have no one. I can't help thinking that if i had said something we wouldnt be where we are today. the thought of being alone killing me.
I had to get this off my chest. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, just water and pop, because i'm just to sore in the stomach. I cant talk to anyone because there is no one to talk to. I need to know that I'm not alone, because i feel that like a ton of bricks right now.
I want a life for me and my boys. What we have now is not a life. Everday is me trying to hold my **** together because I know, despite so badly wanting to quit and just give up, there is no one those boys have in this world but me. After J. went to rehab I thought that this was it, that the amazing life i thought I would have would begin. I promised myself i wouldnt hold my breath, that he could fail, but I forgot all that when he was doing so well. Everything is crashing. I'm sorry that I didnt reach out for him, I just couldnt do it.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Wow Mel, I am so glad you found us and reached out for support. I'm glad you and the boys have some peace in your house tonight.
You're worried about not having done enough for your husband, but with alcoholism, nothing another person says or does is ever going to be enough if the alcoholic doesn't truly want sobriety. None of this is your fault. You didn't cause, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Your husband is a grown man. He's been to multiple rehabs. You said yourself he has all the tools he needs to stay sober. Right now he's choosing not to use them and has rearranged his life so that he can drink uninterrupted. You can't stop this anymore than you could stop a runaway train. All you can do is keep yourself and your sons clear of the path of destruction.
Make sure you're taking good care of yourself. This is an incredibly stressful situation, especially with three young children. Make sure you're getting some rest, and try to eat a little something. The boys need you healthy and whole.
Sending hugs and strength your way.
You're worried about not having done enough for your husband, but with alcoholism, nothing another person says or does is ever going to be enough if the alcoholic doesn't truly want sobriety. None of this is your fault. You didn't cause, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Your husband is a grown man. He's been to multiple rehabs. You said yourself he has all the tools he needs to stay sober. Right now he's choosing not to use them and has rearranged his life so that he can drink uninterrupted. You can't stop this anymore than you could stop a runaway train. All you can do is keep yourself and your sons clear of the path of destruction.
Make sure you're taking good care of yourself. This is an incredibly stressful situation, especially with three young children. Make sure you're getting some rest, and try to eat a little something. The boys need you healthy and whole.
Sending hugs and strength your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
Hugs to you! Unless you held a gun to his head and forced alcohol down his throat then you are in no way, shape, or form responsible for his actions. The fact that his "friends" are calling you and telling you that if he dies it is your fault is completely unacceptable. You didn't cause this. Goodness knows that if we could love them sober then most of us wouldn't be posting on here because we wouldn't need to. And if his friends were really his friends they would have noticed something as well. Rarely will someone who is an active over the top drinker be able to keep that under wraps from everyone.
You are not alone.
I can't speak for everyone but I, too, got to the point where I just didn't care anymore if my stbxah drank himself in to a coma or not. After a while I stopped checking to make sure he was breathing when he passed out. That is a horrible place to be in.
You and your boys deserve better! You shouldn't have to shoulder this all by yourself.
Have you considered reaching out to a local DV hotline? Isolation and manipulation (If you tell I won't trust you) are forms of abuse. If nothing else they may be able to set you up with counseling for what is going on. May be able to help you with the anxiety.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone.
You are not alone.
I can't speak for everyone but I, too, got to the point where I just didn't care anymore if my stbxah drank himself in to a coma or not. After a while I stopped checking to make sure he was breathing when he passed out. That is a horrible place to be in.
You and your boys deserve better! You shouldn't have to shoulder this all by yourself.
Have you considered reaching out to a local DV hotline? Isolation and manipulation (If you tell I won't trust you) are forms of abuse. If nothing else they may be able to set you up with counseling for what is going on. May be able to help you with the anxiety.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi sweet lady. I hate what is going on in your life for you and your boys. You're not alone, everyone here has walked in similar shoes as yours. I have 4 sons also btw. I, too, couldn't open my mouth to tell anyone about my soon to be ex's alcoholism either until he threatened to harm himself. His mother wasn't happy I've kept it secret all of these years, but you know what, she doesn't understand how difficult it is to do that like you, me and others on this forum. You know what else, it doesn't matter what they or anyone else thinks about that -- what matters is the safety of you and your boys, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.
Maybe think about finding a local Al-anon group you can attend. People there will understand like no one else could, which you will find is also the case on this site.
Keep coming back to vent and learn tools that will help you grow..it will be ok and slowly things will get better..you're not alone, hugs!
Maybe think about finding a local Al-anon group you can attend. People there will understand like no one else could, which you will find is also the case on this site.
Keep coming back to vent and learn tools that will help you grow..it will be ok and slowly things will get better..you're not alone, hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
Thank you both for your quick replies. Its so hard not to blame myself. His friend that called the police told me they left him at the hotel for the night. I;m guessing he smoothed talked them into believing he's fine. I dont understand why he wouldnt take the help that was right in front of him.
I'm scared for him to come home tomorrow. He's never been violent, so that's the not the fear, it's that he will be so mad and upset and just blame me and make me feel like an idiot as always.
I've only talked to my dr about this and i'll be honest she has offered me avenues to help deal with this, but between being unable to leave the kids with him and my inability to talk to someone who is there to talk to me, Im just stuck.
I remeber going to a al anon meeting one time. I thought it could help. but all i felt was judgy eyes looking at me because i was the new one. I couldnt go back.
I'm thinking of going to my dr again though. after last night and toniight i dont know that i can keep going. I used to self harm, have been clean almost 2 years, but now its getting hard to not think of anything else.
I hate him, i truly do. but i love him in a way that i cant leave him, even though i want to. I dont want anyone to find out. then they'll now he failed again, whch means i failed him.
I dont know
I'm scared for him to come home tomorrow. He's never been violent, so that's the not the fear, it's that he will be so mad and upset and just blame me and make me feel like an idiot as always.
I've only talked to my dr about this and i'll be honest she has offered me avenues to help deal with this, but between being unable to leave the kids with him and my inability to talk to someone who is there to talk to me, Im just stuck.
I remeber going to a al anon meeting one time. I thought it could help. but all i felt was judgy eyes looking at me because i was the new one. I couldnt go back.
I'm thinking of going to my dr again though. after last night and toniight i dont know that i can keep going. I used to self harm, have been clean almost 2 years, but now its getting hard to not think of anything else.
I hate him, i truly do. but i love him in a way that i cant leave him, even though i want to. I dont want anyone to find out. then they'll now he failed again, whch means i failed him.
I dont know
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
You haven't failed him because you didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you cant control it -- please remember those three C's! It took me a while to get that through my head partly because I saw myself and my stbx as a single unitl, one and the same, but we aren't. Those are his choices, not yours/not mine.
Maybe try alanon again? I can promise you one thing, if people were looking at you it is out of compassion because they know and understand. There is a lot of love in alanon groups, not judging. From new comers to old timers, they know, they've been there, and are in their own recovery. You will find so much wisdom in such a group! Maybe there are different groups you can try out before you decide on one in particular. I know in my town there are different meetings every day.
What about a therapist, too? If you've had issues with self harm you need to be getting help if you feel the urge coming back.
I know this is easier said than done, but you cannot worry about what he is telling his friends; you cannot worry about what your/his friends think of you or don't think of you. The only thing that matters is you getting yourself in a healthy place that this doesn't effect you in such horrible ways.
Have you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie? That was a great read and I've heard the same from others.
Keep your chin up, keep posting, try alanon again, see a therapist -- just take care of you! You're worth it!! HUGS
Maybe try alanon again? I can promise you one thing, if people were looking at you it is out of compassion because they know and understand. There is a lot of love in alanon groups, not judging. From new comers to old timers, they know, they've been there, and are in their own recovery. You will find so much wisdom in such a group! Maybe there are different groups you can try out before you decide on one in particular. I know in my town there are different meetings every day.
What about a therapist, too? If you've had issues with self harm you need to be getting help if you feel the urge coming back.
I know this is easier said than done, but you cannot worry about what he is telling his friends; you cannot worry about what your/his friends think of you or don't think of you. The only thing that matters is you getting yourself in a healthy place that this doesn't effect you in such horrible ways.
Have you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie? That was a great read and I've heard the same from others.
Keep your chin up, keep posting, try alanon again, see a therapist -- just take care of you! You're worth it!! HUGS
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Mel, you're in a bad situation right now, but you're not helpless. First thing is try and believe what the others have told you about guilt. It doesn't matter how much your AH is trying to blame you for what he's clearly responsible for, his alcoholism and it's consequences, you are not to blame.
Currently you have three young children to look after. How would you go financially without him? You would have some sort of government income, and maybe some help from your family?
You mention you moved in with your parents for a short time. Is this a possibility now, until you can rent near them so you're no longer isolated? If this isn't available why not work with your doctor to address the anxiety, and be able to get out more. You have the children, which is a perfect reason to become involved in play groups and other child focussed events.
Currently your anxiety is forcing you to depend on someone who is completely unreliable. You have some factors going for you, but you'll need to take the first steps to access help. Here are some suggestions where to start:
Local government services
Social workers
Help Line
Internet resources
Mental health services
Your doctor
Your family
Your local parliamentary member's office (their staff help constituents all the time)
Salvation Army or other welfare charities
Luckily you have the internet so you can research yourself. Relying on your AH isn't going anywhere and makes you feel helpless, and you're not.
Currently you have three young children to look after. How would you go financially without him? You would have some sort of government income, and maybe some help from your family?
You mention you moved in with your parents for a short time. Is this a possibility now, until you can rent near them so you're no longer isolated? If this isn't available why not work with your doctor to address the anxiety, and be able to get out more. You have the children, which is a perfect reason to become involved in play groups and other child focussed events.
Currently your anxiety is forcing you to depend on someone who is completely unreliable. You have some factors going for you, but you'll need to take the first steps to access help. Here are some suggestions where to start:
Local government services
Social workers
Help Line
Internet resources
Mental health services
Your doctor
Your family
Your local parliamentary member's office (their staff help constituents all the time)
Salvation Army or other welfare charities
Luckily you have the internet so you can research yourself. Relying on your AH isn't going anywhere and makes you feel helpless, and you're not.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Prin....the very best thing that you can ever do for y our boys is to take care of their mother.
Remember...from the airlines....put on your own oxygen mask FIRST.
Anxiety is the most reported psychological condition....even over depression....
and it is the MOST TREATABLE!
Darling....you seem to be in the dark about the true nature of alcoholism and how it effect loved ones. Almost nobody does ...until they have to learn.....LOL!!
Please educate yourself....become knowledgable about what you are up against.
Knowledge is power....especially, in this situation.
Begin by reading the "stickies" at the top of this main page---above the threads.
The "Classic Readings" is a good one to start with, I think.....
Get thyself to a therapist....especially since the impulse to self harm is coming back....
Your husband is not your responsibility (he is his own responsibility). Your responsibility is to yourself and your boys.
I suggest going back to the alanon group....or pick another group. Each one has a different "flavor". It is recommended that you go at least 6 times......
The 3 Cs are.....You didn't Cause it; you can't Cure it; and you can't Control it......
dandylion
Remember...from the airlines....put on your own oxygen mask FIRST.
Anxiety is the most reported psychological condition....even over depression....
and it is the MOST TREATABLE!
Darling....you seem to be in the dark about the true nature of alcoholism and how it effect loved ones. Almost nobody does ...until they have to learn.....LOL!!
Please educate yourself....become knowledgable about what you are up against.
Knowledge is power....especially, in this situation.
Begin by reading the "stickies" at the top of this main page---above the threads.
The "Classic Readings" is a good one to start with, I think.....
Get thyself to a therapist....especially since the impulse to self harm is coming back....
Your husband is not your responsibility (he is his own responsibility). Your responsibility is to yourself and your boys.
I suggest going back to the alanon group....or pick another group. Each one has a different "flavor". It is recommended that you go at least 6 times......
The 3 Cs are.....You didn't Cause it; you can't Cure it; and you can't Control it......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
I can see rationally that everything he is doing is wrong; if i didnt then i probably wouldn't be posting here. But my brain doesn't allow me to see things rationally. I want to leave, i want to reach out for help but I can't. Ive done counselling, but i cant open up to strangers, the thought of their judgement takes over and i just cant do it
(therapy is out of the question, my insurance doesnt cover it). And while I know its the only way I'm going to save myself from all of this, my head just wont let me do it.
I slept maybe 3 hours last night, it was very hard to catch my breath at times last night. I ordered food and only ate a few bites and today i am still not hungry.
I got a text from J. this morning. Judging by his text he seems to be unaware that I knew about everything that went down last night. He said he had a really dramatic night and that he was coming home around 1. I am now 100% more anxious than i have been in the last 2 days. I dont want him to come home. Am i horrible person for hoping that he wouldn't come home?
his friend texted me and told me he scared him straight last night and that everything was going to be ok. I know for a fact that he didn't even see J. last night, he just called 911 and i guess he assumes that'll fix everything. his friend btw is a recovering alcoholic, and thinks that because that was his wake up call that worked for him, it will work for J. I know it wont, i've been here before and i know the outcome. I told his friend that exact thing, he says i'm not being supportive. how can I be supportive of someone who's done this too many times to count. How long does everybody expect me to have his back? why can they not see that i am suffering too? but they just expect me to "stick it out".... I think i'm just rambling now... I wish today wasn't today.
(therapy is out of the question, my insurance doesnt cover it). And while I know its the only way I'm going to save myself from all of this, my head just wont let me do it.
I slept maybe 3 hours last night, it was very hard to catch my breath at times last night. I ordered food and only ate a few bites and today i am still not hungry.
I got a text from J. this morning. Judging by his text he seems to be unaware that I knew about everything that went down last night. He said he had a really dramatic night and that he was coming home around 1. I am now 100% more anxious than i have been in the last 2 days. I dont want him to come home. Am i horrible person for hoping that he wouldn't come home?
his friend texted me and told me he scared him straight last night and that everything was going to be ok. I know for a fact that he didn't even see J. last night, he just called 911 and i guess he assumes that'll fix everything. his friend btw is a recovering alcoholic, and thinks that because that was his wake up call that worked for him, it will work for J. I know it wont, i've been here before and i know the outcome. I told his friend that exact thing, he says i'm not being supportive. how can I be supportive of someone who's done this too many times to count. How long does everybody expect me to have his back? why can they not see that i am suffering too? but they just expect me to "stick it out".... I think i'm just rambling now... I wish today wasn't today.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Prin....no, you are not a horrible person for not wanting him to come home. The situation sounds like it has reached the breaking point.
Your are being held "prisoner" by your own anxiety....and, maybe some learned helplessness.
Yes, you CAN help yourself. You are not unique...you are just fearful. Remember, though, that fears are not FACTS. Most people make their greatest inroads when they are in crisis...in fear.... It is just that they do it anyway...lol!
Baby Steps. Baby Steps. The longest journey still begins with one first step.
What can you do today to make a baby step?
Personally...I think that you could call your doctor and tell him/her that you are feeling like self harming and that you are having panic attacks.....that would be a first step to taking back some of your own power....
He is not your responsibility....and his "friends" are ignorant....
dandylion
Your are being held "prisoner" by your own anxiety....and, maybe some learned helplessness.
Yes, you CAN help yourself. You are not unique...you are just fearful. Remember, though, that fears are not FACTS. Most people make their greatest inroads when they are in crisis...in fear.... It is just that they do it anyway...lol!
Baby Steps. Baby Steps. The longest journey still begins with one first step.
What can you do today to make a baby step?
Personally...I think that you could call your doctor and tell him/her that you are feeling like self harming and that you are having panic attacks.....that would be a first step to taking back some of your own power....
He is not your responsibility....and his "friends" are ignorant....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are only responsible for getting yourself better. it was NEVER your job to fix or cure him. his alcoholism has been there long before you came along.
your job is to get the help and support you need to become a stable confident woman who can make good decisions for her children. and her self. your husband is a full grown adult and makes choices that are detrimental to him and to you.
you said last year you went to your parents for a time. can you do that again? please do talk to your dr. and start to reach out for help. it's perfectly ok to need help, that's why the services are there. there is no shame. it's a sign of good mental health to admit a problem.
your job is to get the help and support you need to become a stable confident woman who can make good decisions for her children. and her self. your husband is a full grown adult and makes choices that are detrimental to him and to you.
you said last year you went to your parents for a time. can you do that again? please do talk to your dr. and start to reach out for help. it's perfectly ok to need help, that's why the services are there. there is no shame. it's a sign of good mental health to admit a problem.
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