Raven143

My husband and I are one month shy of our first anniversary. We have been together for 6 years, living together about 4 years. Our entire relationship has been based in alcohol. We met as bartenders working across the street from each other. Both our families drink often. We love wine and beer. He still works in the hospitality business and is surrounded by alcohol every day. He knows he is an alcoholic. The first big fight came about two years ago before we were engaged. I came home to him drinking (he says he was blackout drunk) and I checked his phone and he was sexting with some chick I've never met. Obviously I was very upset and he pledged to quit. He went to AA for a bit, and that faded away after two weeks. I let it go. A year later, about two weeks before our wedding, I caught him sexting again with the same chick. She lives in NJ and we live in CA. Again, he said he would quit.. that he didn't want to ruin our marriage before it even started. But that didn't stick. I didn't know what to do. We have a great relationship, we confide in each other about everything except this. I didn't think I would ever be in the situation where I had to figure out if I should cancel our wedding. He can be fine and have a couple beers, but then he can not be fine and have more, and more, and to the point where I would wake up in the morning to find out he left the house to pick up more beer. I yell, kick him out of the bedroom, he doesn't drink for a couple days, and then repeat.

We have opposite work schedules, which makes this whole situation that much more difficult. I have a typical 8-5 and he works a lot of nights and most weekends. I woke up last Sunday to find him laying next to me, and empty beer bottles in the living room, with a soaking wet coach cushion (his ****), and his phone. I looked through his phone and found a text message conversation with one of his old coworkers (I have never met), he apparently met up with her after work and got wasted, then came home and began sexting her. He said he was blackout drunk and does not remember the conversation.

I kicked him out of the house.

He says he is going to a doctor, AA meetings, and also has been posting on this website. We haven't spoken face to face yet. I can't get passed it. I am so utterly offended, embarrassed, and angry with myself for letting the past situations go and get to this point. I check his phone because I have trouble trusting him after the passed two times. He says he has never cheated and wouldn't even consider doing something like that sober, but when he gets drunk he can't control himself.

Its not just that he is an alcoholic, he is untrustworthy. Its so confusing because a part of me wants to beat him down, but the other is so confused because I know he truly isn't a scummy guy. I know I need to figure out if its worth trying to trust him again, I know we need to go to marriage counseling, I know if we are going to work through this I have to support him in his path... I just am soooo angry I can't make my first move. I let him come home yesterday, but again because of our work schedules, I haven't really seen him. He hasn't tried to talk to me face to face yet.

We are just all messed up.

HHTexas

It never ceases to amaze me how similar the stories on here are! AH also has bee caught doing similar behaviors. I find it repulsive. Don't have any hard and fast advice except don't have children!! And don't expect him to be honest in marriage counseling. Mine downplayed that whole aspect 😒

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Raven. I hope you find the knowledge and support you're looking for here.

It certainly sounds like he has a problem w/alcohol, and it's longstanding. It also sounds like the alcohol provides him w/a convenient excuse for some sleazy behavior. I think if you read around the forums here, you'll find that most folks separate the alcoholism from cheating, alcoholism from abuse, etc. As the saying goes, if you dry out an alcoholic horse thief, what do you have? A horse thief.

You'll also find it said that "blackout" only refers to the lack of memory of actions when drunk; however, the person is perfectly aware of what they're doing at the time. Him claiming that he had no idea what was going on b/c he was "in a blackout" is not accurate.

I think reading around the forums here is a really good idea for you, and I'd also recommend Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself. It seems to me he's made it pretty clear just how serious he is about actually changing his ways, so it's time to focus on what you can change--you. I know that doesn't make sense, but trust me, in time it will.

Again, glad you found us. Keep reading, keep posting. You're not alone, and you do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavior.

Wanted to add to what HH said about marriage counseling--it will be of little to no use as long as he's actively drinking. Again, you'll see that said here frequently.

HHTexas

Oh! And al anon really helps clear the fog. At least check out a meeting sometime. Everyone is super nice.

dandylion

Raven143.....not to panic. First thing...give yourself some space and make any decisions when you are settled down enough to make any dicisions with a more clear mind. Yes, alanon can give you that kind of p ersonal space....and emotional support at the same time. Also....consider individual counseling....but,, make sure it is with someone who has experience with alcoholics, also.
Marriage counseling is usually reserved for those who have been sober for at least 6months.
I suggest this: Go tho the stickies at the top of the main page---above the threads.
Select the one called "Classic Readings".....then, scroll down to the one titled: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
No doubt, he had fought the disease for quite a while...but, like most alcoholics, is in a degree of denial. The last thing they want to do is to give up the idea of n ever having a drink again.....want to "do it themselves", etc. Just attending AA is one thing...a good thing....but, real recovery involves a focused effort of working a program to bring about changes in thinking, attitude, and behaviors. It takes a lot of time and energy. They have to really want it. Individual therapy, in addition is very helpful....because there may be psychological issues that a person has carried around since early l ife....(almost always).....
He is going to need space...and, you are going to need space....

dandylion

Ursula745

This has happened three times that you know of. Being blackout drunk doesn't excuse any of it. He knows what he's doing at the time. He also knows that if he drinks to a blackout state he will do this, therefore, he knows he shouldn't drink that much and still does. So, he chooses it. Black out is not being able to recall it later. He's able to get beer, get home, meet up with people when he wants. What makes you think he cannot control himself with this? He's cheating on you be sexting other women.

You said he isn't trustworthy, and he isn't a scummy guy. I don't mean to be harsh, but he sounds like a scummy guy to me.

You deserve better. Sending you many thoughts that you are able to work through this with a clear head and minimal amount of heartache.

CodeJob

You chose to marry without trust. That is very sad.

hexx

So sorry that you are going through this. It is not an easy place to be in.

I also agree that he is cheating on you by sexting the other women. It isn't like he was just watching porn...he was actively participating in a sexual conversation with another person. Even if it wasn't physical he was constructing a scenario with another person for his own gratification.

And he can control himself. Alcohol doesn't make you a completely different person, it allows the doors to open to some of the aspects of a person they would rather not admit they are capable of. I have seen my stbxah raging and screaming to normal and pleading when the cops were at the door. Unfortunately the " I was out of control" excuse is just that, an excuse.

FeelingGreat

Hi Raven, he's a serial cheater. He's also a lovely guy, your best friend, supportive, loves you and so on.
I think some cheaters might experience exceptional circumstances where they fall in love but ultimately choose their partner and never stray again, but this isn't your BF. He's giving you ample proof that he embraces sexting, and the jury's out on whether it's gone further. The 'black-out' thing is BS, and doesn't excuse his behaviour.
So I guess that, leaving the drinking out of it, how do you see your future with him? Because it will happen again.

marie1960

Your husband and the guy with the scummy behavior are in fact, the same person.

I spent 5 years with a guy that blacked out at least 4 times a week. Just because they have no memory of their unacceptable behavior doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't mean that you are not being hurt. It doesn't mean you are not being disrespected. It doesn't mean it's ok

In the end , I felt as if I was going batsh*t crazy.

He could always turn it around and make sport of me and my feelings.

Raven, the bottom line YOU and YOU alone are the only one who can decide what an acceptable standard of living truly is. He has shown you who he is, the ball is in your court.

What you accept (referrring to his behavior) , is what will continue.

NestWasEmpty

Great posts & ideas here .. I had some real Winners in my life time when I was sober & drinking . I found you can not change them . You have to change ( yourself ) first . Then hope they will follow through with what they say they will do .
Spot on with one poster .. Do not start a family in this situation . Sorry but most of these kind of people - will pull that "What about the kids " Card " every chance they can !! Drag you down farther ..

Freshrain

Sounds to me like you love him very much. You remind me of me. If he's sexting though, I know that he is lying. My husband lies through his teeth when it comes to alcohol. I really think he has mental health issues; because it's not so much the sexting as it is the lying about not realizing he did it. I do think he loves you, but he needs help. Try to make your days peaceful for you. Whatever that means for you; I've found that I've allowed my husband's issues take center stage of my days and I have no pleasure in life. I've seen how his problems have changed my life in good ways, I've seen how his alcoholism made me change into another person and I just got a grip on that about a month ago. So now I am calmer, not the angry little girl that was mad because Daddy was a drunk. So many different issues that we all have that are hard to explain. I would advise you, though, not to go through any more craziness with him, whatever that means to you. There was a time when I believed that my husband couldn't control himself, but I firmly believe that he chooses to drink. Much love.

AnvilheadII

it is highly likely that he has been sexting and cheating all along....and just uses the "i was drunk" excuse as his get out of jail free card. he IS untrustworthy.....he showed his azz two YEARS before you got married and again two WEEKS before the nuptials. and he is STILL doing the same ole same ole.

there are lines some will NEVER cross no matter how drunk or high they get. and then are those who revel in the loss of inhibitions that alcohol provides so they CAN behave in bad behaviors.

its time to step back and take a good hard objective look at the situation. see what you got yourself into........and this untrustworthy man you married.

LucyGoosey

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is unwilling to change right now. My experience with cheating: what you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

You should be able to say "we have a great relationship" ...no exceptions. His behavior is unacceptable and disrespectful. You deserve better.

rinky

Why in the world would you want to even think about marrying someone who already cheats and has all these issues? Just wondering what do you really think you're going to gain from it except more of the same.

You already know all of this and I truly believe if you continue to be with this person then you have only yourself to blame. He is just being himself. You are the one who insists on being with him apparently.

I know that is harsh but I've been through so much crap and took me a while and an out spoken Aunt to say well.. He is just being how he always has been.. If your expecting anything different... that is totally your fault not his.

Get out and focus on your self and let him have him self and his ways, but don't keep wasting time that is precious that you can never get back waiting for him to be any different. If you do then that is what you want so own it.

I hope you choose Your self and life... Good Luck to you.

Lilro

Hi Raven. Welcome to SR.

Every single one of these responses is dead on. Sometimes it's so hard for us to see clearly when we are in the thick of it.
My input if I may... sexting is cheating. Blackout, no blackout, who's blackout?, what blackout? Who gives a cr*p? It is cheating. No excuses.

Maybe if you step back a little you will be able to see the big picture more clearly. Your in a very tuff spot. One we all have been in and some of us still trying to get out of.
He's disrespectful. Is that what you want? Do you really want to continue to check his phone? Is that how you want to live your life? These are the things I hope you will think about.
We are here for you.....
Xo Ro

honeypig

I'd like to echo this. What he has been caught at is likely only a fraction of what has gone on. Many of us here have marveled at how our spouse/partner can be so drunk on only a few beers, never dreaming that there is a bottle of vodka out in the garage that we know nothing about. I would suspect that cheating is similar in that respect.

I'd also like to echo all those who have said you deserve better. I don't know you at all, but no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and disregard as you have been. I hope you keep coming back here to read and post. You are not alone, and your life can be however you choose it to be, regardless of what your AH does or doesn't do.