relationships
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relationships
Can a gf ever love and forgive again? I am a recovering alcoholic 100% focused on my recovery. I go to AA several meetings daily and am working steps with my sponsor.. im just confused cuz if i contact her she replies but she is pretty short obviously. . Im pretty sure we still have a lot of love between us but i know she needs her space and i need to be focused on recovery..anyways just curious on non alcoholic point of views..i know already what AA has to say...
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Hi, Gonzo. I don't think any one can give you a yes or no answer here. It depends on so, so much about you and her and what your relationship was like, and how both of you approach relationships.
Every one's relationships are different. Personally, I know there is absolutely no way I could ever trust AXH (my alcoholic ex husband) again. BUT AXH was also abusive, so it doesn't compare to you and your gf (xgf?).
That being said, I'm friends with several recovering alcoholics. One friend was a lifeline for me while I was going through leaving and divorcing AXH. This friend's marriage seems to be rock solid. We've spoken about about relationships and how close he came to losing his wife and daughter. It took a lot of work and a long time to get to where they are today.
If your drinking caused issues between you, which I'd guess is a good bet, there's a level of trust that is no longer there. It takes time and work to re-build that.
And if I may be rather blunt, while you're focusing on whether or not your relationship with her can be saved, and worrying if you should talk to her or not, or worried that she seems short when she responds... you're not really 100% focused on recovery. Not really. But I don't have an answer or advice for that, either. It's really hard to stop wondering about some one we love but are afraid we've lost.
Every one's relationships are different. Personally, I know there is absolutely no way I could ever trust AXH (my alcoholic ex husband) again. BUT AXH was also abusive, so it doesn't compare to you and your gf (xgf?).
That being said, I'm friends with several recovering alcoholics. One friend was a lifeline for me while I was going through leaving and divorcing AXH. This friend's marriage seems to be rock solid. We've spoken about about relationships and how close he came to losing his wife and daughter. It took a lot of work and a long time to get to where they are today.
If your drinking caused issues between you, which I'd guess is a good bet, there's a level of trust that is no longer there. It takes time and work to re-build that.
And if I may be rather blunt, while you're focusing on whether or not your relationship with her can be saved, and worrying if you should talk to her or not, or worried that she seems short when she responds... you're not really 100% focused on recovery. Not really. But I don't have an answer or advice for that, either. It's really hard to stop wondering about some one we love but are afraid we've lost.
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Ok, your question........ Can a gf ever love and forgive again?
Tough question. Yes a gf can forgive, sometimes it is just to forgive a person so that they no longer have hurt in their heart. Can they ever love you again? Sometimes we need to let the person go that we do love.
I am an RA.
The thing you have to think about is the trust issue. I know you were on the road a lot, but I'm still sure there were many phone calls. You never said if you were verbally abusive to her, or emotionally abusive to her, or even perhaps physically abusive to her.
She is answering your phone calls at this time. I would suggest one more phone call, tell her that you are really sorry for, -----, and -----. and-----, and -----, and that you are now working on yourself. Tell her that you won't be calling her anymore, but if she wishes to talk to you that you will talk, and that you will not be drunk when she calls. Tell her that you are working on yourself, and you know now what an eff up you were, and you don't want that for her. Then stop calling her.
Read the stories here about how alcoholism destroys families.. Then start to think to yourself would you really want that life for yourself, for her, for any children that you have.
The only reason I am suggesting last contact and to leave it up to her, is because she is answering the phone, and she may become psychologically damaged if you just disappeared. So I guess I am in a way suggesting you break it off with her, and continue with your work.
Stop dwelling on as to whether or not you have a chance with her. You may, you may not. Do you have a chance with yourself though? That's up to you.
Congrats on 2 months,
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Tough question. Yes a gf can forgive, sometimes it is just to forgive a person so that they no longer have hurt in their heart. Can they ever love you again? Sometimes we need to let the person go that we do love.
I am an RA.
The thing you have to think about is the trust issue. I know you were on the road a lot, but I'm still sure there were many phone calls. You never said if you were verbally abusive to her, or emotionally abusive to her, or even perhaps physically abusive to her.
She is answering your phone calls at this time. I would suggest one more phone call, tell her that you are really sorry for, -----, and -----. and-----, and -----, and that you are now working on yourself. Tell her that you won't be calling her anymore, but if she wishes to talk to you that you will talk, and that you will not be drunk when she calls. Tell her that you are working on yourself, and you know now what an eff up you were, and you don't want that for her. Then stop calling her.
Read the stories here about how alcoholism destroys families.. Then start to think to yourself would you really want that life for yourself, for her, for any children that you have.
The only reason I am suggesting last contact and to leave it up to her, is because she is answering the phone, and she may become psychologically damaged if you just disappeared. So I guess I am in a way suggesting you break it off with her, and continue with your work.
Stop dwelling on as to whether or not you have a chance with her. You may, you may not. Do you have a chance with yourself though? That's up to you.
Congrats on 2 months,
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Thank u amy... almost sounds like giving her an ultimatum though.. i was never abusive.. i was a black out drinker though and would say stupid things.. and i would forget stuff a lot which annoyed her big time.. but we have a lot of history and mostly was good.. but your right..perhaps i should let her go.. strange thing is is how the breakup happened.. i was my first 2 weeks sober.. it was so weird
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I think that she can forgive and love again. The real question here is if she can trust you again to be around you, because everyone sooner or later reaches the point of not wanting to be hurt again. I'm divorcing my AH, and he was quite abusive emotionally and verbally, so I reached the bottom. And I love him, and forgive him, and wish him all the best in life . . . but faaaaar away from me. And BTW, my AH never showed any desire to get help. If he sought recovery, started going to AA meetings, anything . . . I would not file for divorce. Ever.
So it all depends. In theory, you can get your gf back. But you must be damn serious about your recovery, and she must learn to trust you again.
So it all depends. In theory, you can get your gf back. But you must be damn serious about your recovery, and she must learn to trust you again.
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I was thinking that also about the ultimatum. I didn't know how to word that. I don't know if you can just stop calling, because you have been and she has been answering. (even though it was cold responses). It was more so that she wouldn't be bewildered that you stopped calling.
I know that black out drunks get belligerent many times. Then we excuse everything because of alcohol.
Now you said this b/u was 2 weeks after you stopped drinking. Do you think that perhaps during that time, the since she is not educated about alcoholism, that she kinda felt a little left out of things?
Many of us here have felt like that also. I am not saying to stop your program, I still think it needs to be top priority, and maybe at this time you need to straighten out your life, before considering being a partner to another.
I do think you are focusing more on getting your relationship back then on sobriety. What happens sometimes with that, we get the relationship back, then we relapse. Why? because we were doing it to get the relationship back.
I know you told me you were sober for 2 weeks prior to the b/u, but what really happened 2 weeks prior to this? and why you stopped drinking.
It's starting to sound like everything was going OK till I stopped drinking. (huh)
amy
I know that black out drunks get belligerent many times. Then we excuse everything because of alcohol.
Now you said this b/u was 2 weeks after you stopped drinking. Do you think that perhaps during that time, the since she is not educated about alcoholism, that she kinda felt a little left out of things?
Many of us here have felt like that also. I am not saying to stop your program, I still think it needs to be top priority, and maybe at this time you need to straighten out your life, before considering being a partner to another.
I do think you are focusing more on getting your relationship back then on sobriety. What happens sometimes with that, we get the relationship back, then we relapse. Why? because we were doing it to get the relationship back.
I know you told me you were sober for 2 weeks prior to the b/u, but what really happened 2 weeks prior to this? and why you stopped drinking.
It's starting to sound like everything was going OK till I stopped drinking. (huh)
amy
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amy you are right. things were not ok. my disease progressed at an alarming rate over the past six months but I was away a lot over the road working. truck driver. then I got in trouble dui but she had never said like quite drinking or Im leaving u but she did tell me changes needed to start happening. so I got the dui july 25. haven't had a drink since. I told her when it happened and she was very supportive. she said we will move to nj she has a paid off condo there and we will just start over out there but I must never drink again. so she got me airfare to fly home to Illinois where we currently live from jax nc where I got in trouble.. I started aa meetings right away and go every day. but the first couple weeks sober I didn't understand how I was feeling and got really depressed because I screwed up my career and. she didn't like being around me like that. so we argued quite a bit.. I just couldn't express what I was feeling cuz I was coming off all the booze and was scared about work in all. now I have a sponsor and he is teaching me tools to deal with these issues. I suggested that she try a alanon meeting but she was not interested.. she was like I don't have a pro blem...end of discussion
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and I wasn't to keen on moving to nj either. but I just went along with the idea cuz I didn't want to lose her... well she is not moving there now but she is staying with her mother. I realized moving like that would be way too much change for me way to early and I had to put recovery first. she seemed to understsand but I don't know ... things kept getting worse.. she says we are friends and friends are a good place.. whatever that means.. im a alcoholic so I overthink and read way too much into everything lol... I am really putting recovery first but I cant help the fact that shes on my mind.. im feeling better and better from a really dark place but I am still human and she is the only women ive ever truly loved in my entire life..we were close to getting married but my drinking of coarse threw up red flags..
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and also her main gripes wasn't my drinking persay.. it certainly didn't help matters but she was more saying things like I needed to grow up, im not emotionally mature, things like that..i just wish she could see me know.. its been a short time but ive grabbed on to AA like a life raft and am learning so much about how childish I was and why I was like that.. with each passing day im getting and feeling so much stronger. working steps with my sponsor and doing anything the AA folks tell me.. I don't ask why anymore, I say how can I help out now.. I love where I am in recovery a.t.m. I know its a long windy bumby road but im up for it
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I must say that you have guts. It's hard to come to f & f from the other side. So are you in NJ now, or still in Ill. Doesn't sound like you live together?
I think you are doing really good in AA. Perhaps if you have insurance you might also want to throw in a one on one therapist. Not that I think you are "nuts", I just know therapist helped me a lot. I had no coping skills. My coping skill consisted of drinking. I had no boundaries. Never knew what they were.
You sound like you really want to get your life back on ground. I just want to tell you that you are really inspirational.
Same suggestion as before though, give that one phone call, so she doesn't think you are giving her the silent treatment, then take care of yourself.
amy
I think you are doing really good in AA. Perhaps if you have insurance you might also want to throw in a one on one therapist. Not that I think you are "nuts", I just know therapist helped me a lot. I had no coping skills. My coping skill consisted of drinking. I had no boundaries. Never knew what they were.
You sound like you really want to get your life back on ground. I just want to tell you that you are really inspirational.
Same suggestion as before though, give that one phone call, so she doesn't think you are giving her the silent treatment, then take care of yourself.
amy
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we are both in Illinois.. but she is at her moms.. im just trying to understand the alanon perspective.. maybe I should go to a meeting. actually my sponsor suggested we go to one together.. do the alanons like hate alcoholics or just the disease? I mean bill wilsons wife started alanon and he was a terrible alcoholic and she stayed with him through thick n thin....
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See, I'm somewhat lost here. I haven't read everything. I know you were posting a lot today. How old are you? Do you have any idea why your drinking escalated in the last six months? Were you driving this truck while drinking? How long are you on the road?
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im 35 and so is she.. I have been driving a semi for 3 yrs. I got very drunk one night in a motel room. started driving the next morning not thinking anything of it and got pulled over for speeding. officer smelled booze on me from night before in a commercial vehicle... bye bye... but my drinking escalated to the point that I didn't even realize I was waking up in the morning at .08 I felt totally normal., maybe a little hungover but that's normal for me.. but the breathalizer got me
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Originally Posted by gonzo51511 
we are both in Illinois.. but she is at her moms.. im just trying to understand the alanon perspective.. maybe I should go to a meeting. actually my sponsor suggested we go to one together.. do the alanons like hate alcoholics or just the disease? I mean bill wilsons wife started alanon and he was a terrible alcoholic and she stayed with him through thick n thin....
Alanons don't hate the alcoholic, if they did, they would have left long time ago. Alcoholism as a disease is a debatable thing, many threads on this. Many people stay with an AH because of many reasons, I think financial and watching over their children are the main ones.
I think if there is a "open" alanon, it might be a good idea. It is always good to see the damage that we do. Also just reading here is also a good idea.
amy
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Originally Posted by gonzo51511
oh and I do talk to a therapist and I told my doctor I am an alcoholic as well. that wasn't fun lol.
amy
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