I'm back .... With my tail between my legs....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
I'm back .... With my tail between my legs....
I'm back .... i haven't posted much for a while I've basically avoided this site .... after all reading threads here might put me off drinking and I wasn't keen on that idea.
In the last 2 weeks this is the third night that I haven't drank, I haven't been able to even string to days together.
So what have I been up to???
Drinking nearly every night between 1 and 2 bottles of wine.
I went to an AA meeting last weekend and went to the shop afterwards for wine ... yep you read right a drank after AA ... basically this was because a. I felt I deserved a drink for being so brave and feeling so uncomfortable and b. I felt nicely reassured because I don't sit on my sofa all day everyday drinking like one woman at the meeting ... afterall I work, have kid's, run a house etc etc what a load of bull!!
So I happily convince myself that I'm functioning fine.... but take a closer look .... no I'm not pregnant I really am that bloated!!! If you see beyond the makeup you will notice the red cheeks and chin form drink. Yes my eyes really are that puffy. Oh my house ... yes you're right it's a mess.... and yes the ashtray in my garden really did need emptying weeks ago oh and yes my 4 year old really does watch that much TV! !!!
This week alone there are numerous things I've forgotten to do because I'm hung over 1. Forgot to renew and pay for child's swimming lessons 2. Forgot lunch for work 3. Left child's scooter in playground at school 4. Forgot to make phone calls at work 5. Forgot groceries 6. Forgot my office key for work so had to knock the door every time I wanted to get in to the office.
To my colleagues at work I've been very bubbly, cracking jokes joining in with the banter, the problem is I don't think I've been completely sober all week, I haven't drank in the day but have probably drank enough each night for it to still be in my system all day.
I so want to break this cycle.
My eldest told me the other day that I don't listen to him cos I'm always drunk!!
I even spent money on an expensive meal just because I didn't want to go home and stop drinking .... The meal was an excuse to carry on drinking.
I say all this now, in a few days I'll be convincing myself that I'm fine and can drink.
But it's not fine is it .... its not fine to alternate buying wine from different shops cos you're scared people will gossip.
It's not fine to be constantly ducking mints cos you're paranoid people will smell it.
How the hell can I break this cycle!!!!
In the last 2 weeks this is the third night that I haven't drank, I haven't been able to even string to days together.
So what have I been up to???
Drinking nearly every night between 1 and 2 bottles of wine.
I went to an AA meeting last weekend and went to the shop afterwards for wine ... yep you read right a drank after AA ... basically this was because a. I felt I deserved a drink for being so brave and feeling so uncomfortable and b. I felt nicely reassured because I don't sit on my sofa all day everyday drinking like one woman at the meeting ... afterall I work, have kid's, run a house etc etc what a load of bull!!
So I happily convince myself that I'm functioning fine.... but take a closer look .... no I'm not pregnant I really am that bloated!!! If you see beyond the makeup you will notice the red cheeks and chin form drink. Yes my eyes really are that puffy. Oh my house ... yes you're right it's a mess.... and yes the ashtray in my garden really did need emptying weeks ago oh and yes my 4 year old really does watch that much TV! !!!
This week alone there are numerous things I've forgotten to do because I'm hung over 1. Forgot to renew and pay for child's swimming lessons 2. Forgot lunch for work 3. Left child's scooter in playground at school 4. Forgot to make phone calls at work 5. Forgot groceries 6. Forgot my office key for work so had to knock the door every time I wanted to get in to the office.
To my colleagues at work I've been very bubbly, cracking jokes joining in with the banter, the problem is I don't think I've been completely sober all week, I haven't drank in the day but have probably drank enough each night for it to still be in my system all day.
I so want to break this cycle.
My eldest told me the other day that I don't listen to him cos I'm always drunk!!
I even spent money on an expensive meal just because I didn't want to go home and stop drinking .... The meal was an excuse to carry on drinking.
I say all this now, in a few days I'll be convincing myself that I'm fine and can drink.
But it's not fine is it .... its not fine to alternate buying wine from different shops cos you're scared people will gossip.
It's not fine to be constantly ducking mints cos you're paranoid people will smell it.
How the hell can I break this cycle!!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back adelina. You can break the cycle by committing to sobriety and making a concrete plan for what you are going to do to follow through.
Setting aside time to come here and read/post is one thing that can help. Joining one of the daily or monthly threads can give some day to day accountability.
If you feel that AA would help, you could start going to meetings every day instead of just one. You could find a sponsor, get some numbers to call and start working on the steps.
You could research some of the other methods of sobriety like AVRT.
You could see your doctor and get a checkup and find out of there are any local resources like outpatient rehab or other group meetings.
You could even explore inpatient rehab if you don't feel you can do this by yourself.
Setting aside time to come here and read/post is one thing that can help. Joining one of the daily or monthly threads can give some day to day accountability.
If you feel that AA would help, you could start going to meetings every day instead of just one. You could find a sponsor, get some numbers to call and start working on the steps.
You could research some of the other methods of sobriety like AVRT.
You could see your doctor and get a checkup and find out of there are any local resources like outpatient rehab or other group meetings.
You could even explore inpatient rehab if you don't feel you can do this by yourself.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Adelina 
The only way to stop drinking is stop drinking make that decision & realise why your making it you could print off this very thread & slip it in your wallet as a reminder
it took me 3 months & nearly loosing my life not to include the real possibility of losing Mrs sw after she moved out
Adelina SR is such a great support network made stronger by your participation
Keep posting & keep reading know you can do this
The only way to stop drinking is stop drinking make that decision & realise why your making it you could print off this very thread & slip it in your wallet as a reminder
it took me 3 months & nearly loosing my life not to include the real possibility of losing Mrs sw after she moved out
Adelina SR is such a great support network made stronger by your participation
Keep posting & keep reading know you can do this
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I drank after some meetings if that makes you feel better.
Its hard.
You don't have to have your tail between your legs.
We don't shout our wounded here.
For me, it was getting a day 1 then building on that.
Once I had a day 2, 3 and 4 etc, I didn't want to break what I had built up.
I had to work it in the early days - I kept busy like a mad woman or had a lot of early nights.
Now not drinking in the evening comes naturally.
Don't be so hard on yourself, but also don't give up trying to give up.
Its hard.
You don't have to have your tail between your legs.
We don't shout our wounded here.
For me, it was getting a day 1 then building on that.
Once I had a day 2, 3 and 4 etc, I didn't want to break what I had built up.
I had to work it in the early days - I kept busy like a mad woman or had a lot of early nights.
Now not drinking in the evening comes naturally.
Don't be so hard on yourself, but also don't give up trying to give up.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by adelina123 
I say all this now, in a few days I'll be convincing myself that I'm fine and can drink.
I was never arguing with myself. I was arguing with my addiction. It might live in my head, but it is not me. I knew the right answers.
Welcome back. Posting here indicates you know the right answers, too.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
I understand and can relate to every word you are saying Adelina. Once I'm in a drinking cycle, I look a mess, my house is a wreck, I'm forgetful and the days blend together- drink, hangover, drink, hangover. And I think I fool most people- maybe they just think I'm having a bad day or week. Anyway, you can do this. Re-read this post. Play the tape forward. Just take it day by day. And post and read. I know you are mad at yourself now but it's good to be honest about what's going on.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Adelina. Some good advice here already.
You do have the power to quit. Make a solid plan and stay as active as you can working that plan.
For me, I spent a ton of time here, reading, posting, being involved in the monthly thread. You've got to dig deep and make this happen for you.
I'm going on day 436 and there is absolutely nothing special about how i quit. I never thought after 21+ years of heavy drinking that I could do it either. I didn't know anything other than a life consumed by drinking.
I decided my tomorrows might be running out. I decided I was pissing away my life and in doing so, was subjecting my kids to to my weakness. I don't want any part of passing this dark part of who I am on to these innocent lives.
Be strong, and do this for yourself. You deserve a life without the cloud of alcohol in it.
You do have the power to quit. Make a solid plan and stay as active as you can working that plan.
For me, I spent a ton of time here, reading, posting, being involved in the monthly thread. You've got to dig deep and make this happen for you.
I'm going on day 436 and there is absolutely nothing special about how i quit. I never thought after 21+ years of heavy drinking that I could do it either. I didn't know anything other than a life consumed by drinking.
I decided my tomorrows might be running out. I decided I was pissing away my life and in doing so, was subjecting my kids to to my weakness. I don't want any part of passing this dark part of who I am on to these innocent lives.
Be strong, and do this for yourself. You deserve a life without the cloud of alcohol in it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Thank you for your post. I've been really messing with my own head the last 3 days...entertaining drinking. I know I won't...but I keep letting the thought circle my brain. It will eventually land if I don't squash.
You can do this!
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
I'm quitting for the first time (and dreading my first relapse as it's bound to happen) so I cant be all that helpful but well done for coming back here. I think the advice you've received is great, especially about printing out this thread and looking at it when you need extra help.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 101
Adelina, it took me 8 months between when I signed up on this site and when I was finally committed to sobriety. All that time I kept on drinking knowing full well that I had a problem and that I needed help. I was like you, pretending things were normal. Until finally something snapped and I am now 40 days sober. You can do it too!
Start today and come up with a plan of action. Maybe see your doctor, go to AA meetings or try SMART on line meetings. Distract yourself with other things, read these forums, post, eat ice cream, watch a movie... It's hard at the beginning but it does get better. Much better. And you can get there!
Start today and come up with a plan of action. Maybe see your doctor, go to AA meetings or try SMART on line meetings. Distract yourself with other things, read these forums, post, eat ice cream, watch a movie... It's hard at the beginning but it does get better. Much better. And you can get there!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by scaredikklegoth
I'm quitting for the first time (and dreading my first relapse as it's bound to happen) so I cant be all that helpful but well done for coming back here. I think the advice you've received is great, especially about printing out this thread and looking at it when you need extra help.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
Thank you everyone I really do appreciate you're responses.
When you say plan exactly what do you mean? I have a few ideas on how to keep me occupied and I intend to read a lot!! I didn't like AA hence the wine after but I may try a different meeting.
Had a terrible nights sleep didn't really sleep just dosed I know it's cos my body just isn't used to going to bed without wine in it i know it'll get better I've been here times before.
So I feel pretty grotty this morning and probably look worse than when hung over but ..... The good news is I'm taking my little one to his first football training without a hangover so I'm happy!!! X
When you say plan exactly what do you mean? I have a few ideas on how to keep me occupied and I intend to read a lot!! I didn't like AA hence the wine after but I may try a different meeting.
Had a terrible nights sleep didn't really sleep just dosed I know it's cos my body just isn't used to going to bed without wine in it i know it'll get better I've been here times before.
So I feel pretty grotty this morning and probably look worse than when hung over but ..... The good news is I'm taking my little one to his first football training without a hangover so I'm happy!!! X
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Here are very useful links Adelina you can bookmark it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
