It seems that i'm part of the problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
It seems that i'm part of the problem
Hi all, I'm new to this group and think I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm hurting so please excuse the self pity.
My boyfriend and daughter of my 5 year old daughter has been in residential rehab for 10 weeks and has another 8 to go. When he left to go there he said that he loved us and wanted to get well for himself and also so that he could be the man that we deserved him to be. From day one of him entering rehab his attitude changed. He would still call but no longer said "I love you" or anything remotely affectionate to me instead telling me that "it's hard in here and I have to focus on me now" etc.
Tonight I pushed him on it because I'm sick of not knowing where I stand and he told me that there is no future for us, that our relationship is dysfunctional and that his councillor has told him that we will never work and that he needs to focus on himself and move on. He then told me not to try and stop him seeing his daughter "cos they've got people here who deal with that s@&# and you don't want to mess with them".
I feel totally used and heartbroken. Thank you for reading.
My boyfriend and daughter of my 5 year old daughter has been in residential rehab for 10 weeks and has another 8 to go. When he left to go there he said that he loved us and wanted to get well for himself and also so that he could be the man that we deserved him to be. From day one of him entering rehab his attitude changed. He would still call but no longer said "I love you" or anything remotely affectionate to me instead telling me that "it's hard in here and I have to focus on me now" etc.
Tonight I pushed him on it because I'm sick of not knowing where I stand and he told me that there is no future for us, that our relationship is dysfunctional and that his councillor has told him that we will never work and that he needs to focus on himself and move on. He then told me not to try and stop him seeing his daughter "cos they've got people here who deal with that s@&# and you don't want to mess with them".
I feel totally used and heartbroken. Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Long Beach, California
Posts: 69
What was the nature of your relationship before this? You mention that he believes it was dysfunctional...do you feel there is any truth to that? Are his claims founded or baffling?
On one hand, I can definitely see how a dysfunctional relationship could be a problem...BUT, I don't believe that means that the relationship can't someday be healthy if both of you strive for it.
Are you attending any meetings for yourself? AA or AlAnon? Seeking any therapy or counseling?
And on the other hand, I know that I see this rather often...where treatment centers and counselors prefer for the addict to have no romantic connections to anyone at all. It's heartbreaking, and I don't necessarily agree with that tactic for everyone.
My only advice to you is to remain positive and hopeful...he's working on his sobriety and you can also work on yourself in the meantime as well. Attending meetings and seeking counseling for yourself. It's hard, I know...but at this point, what other choice do you have? Might as well make the most of these next couple months and work on yourself in the same way he's working on himself.
My fiancé is in a long-term in-patient treatment program (where he can't have contact with anyone he knows, in any way, for about 9-12 months...I am slightly envious that you are even able to speak with your boyfriend at all)...we have a loving relationship and always have, we have no intentions of breaking up...but I totally understand how you must be feeling and how your boyfriend is feeling. It's possible that this is so painful for him that the only way he can get through it is to do what they say and detach emotionally from you right now. Who knows what the future will bring for your relationship? And your feelings are totally understandable...you are hurt and confused, naturally. I don't even know WHAT my fiancé is being told right now or where our relationship will be in 8+ months...it's scary, beyond words. So I know how you feel. I'm working on myself during this time, so that I can be ready for whatever comes our way. I hope you can do the same.
On one hand, I can definitely see how a dysfunctional relationship could be a problem...BUT, I don't believe that means that the relationship can't someday be healthy if both of you strive for it.
Are you attending any meetings for yourself? AA or AlAnon? Seeking any therapy or counseling?
And on the other hand, I know that I see this rather often...where treatment centers and counselors prefer for the addict to have no romantic connections to anyone at all. It's heartbreaking, and I don't necessarily agree with that tactic for everyone.
My only advice to you is to remain positive and hopeful...he's working on his sobriety and you can also work on yourself in the meantime as well. Attending meetings and seeking counseling for yourself. It's hard, I know...but at this point, what other choice do you have? Might as well make the most of these next couple months and work on yourself in the same way he's working on himself.
My fiancé is in a long-term in-patient treatment program (where he can't have contact with anyone he knows, in any way, for about 9-12 months...I am slightly envious that you are even able to speak with your boyfriend at all)...we have a loving relationship and always have, we have no intentions of breaking up...but I totally understand how you must be feeling and how your boyfriend is feeling. It's possible that this is so painful for him that the only way he can get through it is to do what they say and detach emotionally from you right now. Who knows what the future will bring for your relationship? And your feelings are totally understandable...you are hurt and confused, naturally. I don't even know WHAT my fiancé is being told right now or where our relationship will be in 8+ months...it's scary, beyond words. So I know how you feel. I'm working on myself during this time, so that I can be ready for whatever comes our way. I hope you can do the same.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I'm just going to validate how powerless you must feel. You did not get called into a counseling session to process this as a family - you must feel so disrespected and abandoned. I know I would.
I have no advice - just wanted to say that the method of delivery really sucks - it seems like a rash decision - and he is blaming the counselor for it - hopefully the counselor did not actually try to play God and tell him what to do with his relationship!
You must be hurting.
Please get some professional advice or counseling for yourself. I would also write him a letter to get your feelings out (and not necessarily send it).
I have no advice - just wanted to say that the method of delivery really sucks - it seems like a rash decision - and he is blaming the counselor for it - hopefully the counselor did not actually try to play God and tell him what to do with his relationship!
You must be hurting.
Please get some professional advice or counseling for yourself. I would also write him a letter to get your feelings out (and not necessarily send it).
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I'm surprised (and a little dubious) that a counselor would take that approach without having some interface with you individually and as a couple. Counsellors seldom take the word of one person....particularly an addict in early recovery.
Please.....take care of you and your little one. I'm sure you feel sucker punched right now and the wind has been knocked right out of you. Keep breathing.
Please.....take care of you and your little one. I'm sure you feel sucker punched right now and the wind has been knocked right out of you. Keep breathing.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Without you sharing more history on your relationship with him, length, was he using the entire time? Did you live together the whole time? Did you view it as dysfunctional? It’s hard to speculate on the whole he said the counselor said stuff.
But I can tell you that there are unintended consequences of remaining with a known addict/alcoholic and enabling them to continue on that path by making the path smooth and easy for them. And those unintended consequences come when they get clean/sober and realize that the enabling was dysfunctional and bad for their future sobriety.
But I can tell you that there are unintended consequences of remaining with a known addict/alcoholic and enabling them to continue on that path by making the path smooth and easy for them. And those unintended consequences come when they get clean/sober and realize that the enabling was dysfunctional and bad for their future sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Long Beach, California
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by atalose 
Without you sharing more history on your relationship with him, length, was he using the entire time? Did you live together the whole time? Did you view it as dysfunctional? It’s hard to speculate on the whole he said the counselor said stuff.
But I can tell you that there are unintended consequences of remaining with a known addict/alcoholic and enabling them to continue on that path by making the path smooth and easy for them. And those unintended consequences come when they get clean/sober and realize that the enabling was dysfunctional and bad for their future sobriety.
But I can tell you that there are unintended consequences of remaining with a known addict/alcoholic and enabling them to continue on that path by making the path smooth and easy for them. And those unintended consequences come when they get clean/sober and realize that the enabling was dysfunctional and bad for their future sobriety.
Which is why I think the best thing to do here is for the original poster to get help for herself...attend AlAnon meetings, get a counselor/therapist for herself, really take a look into what was going on within herself so she can better understand how to curb the enabler in her, and also better help her loved one in a healthier way. Her boyfriend's counselor should encourage this.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 4
I hate this for you.
I would personally feel lost, and also like slapping that counselor in the face.
Although I don't know the specifics of your relationship, I find it appalling that the counselor wouldn't at least meet with you before throwing those kinds of recommendations at your boyfriend.
I would personally feel lost, and also like slapping that counselor in the face.
Although I don't know the specifics of your relationship, I find it appalling that the counselor wouldn't at least meet with you before throwing those kinds of recommendations at your boyfriend.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi britgirl, all I can say is that it's early days yet, and he has a lot of mental processing to do, starting with the physical effects of alcohol withdrawal. He's been using alcohol masking his emotions and I'm sure it's all raw.
I'd be surprised if the counsellor really said everything you ABF thinks; it may be his interpretation. The stuff about the child custody sounds like pure BS.
Let's hope that as the course proceeds he gains a sense of perspective and learns to take responsibility for his past behaviour.
In the meanwhile I think the others' suggestion of Al-anon (for F&F, not the addict) is a great idea. Stick around SR for lots of support and knowledge.
I'd be surprised if the counsellor really said everything you ABF thinks; it may be his interpretation. The stuff about the child custody sounds like pure BS.
Let's hope that as the course proceeds he gains a sense of perspective and learns to take responsibility for his past behaviour.
In the meanwhile I think the others' suggestion of Al-anon (for F&F, not the addict) is a great idea. Stick around SR for lots of support and knowledge.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Thank you all. I had to sit and take a long look at myself and at the relationship I had with my ex and he's right, our relationship has always been dysfunctional. He has been disinterested in us since I was 6 months pregnant, he came in and out of our lives constantly, was often emotionally cruel and abusive and did nothing for the kids. He spent all of his money and lots of mine on drink, drugs and gambling and never once contributed to a household bill.
I hate myself for putting up with this, for putting my kids through this, for being so weak. Ex ABF made me feel like I couldn't get anyone else, often commented on my weight gain and on me not wearing makeup often enough, would tell me about his slim beautiful ex's, he even told me on a couple of occasions how he "got the dregs" when it came to me. Afterwards he would blame it on the drugs and drink and tell me he couldn't be without me, that we were his life. I was so desperate to be loved that I would forgive him and go back.
Now that he finally got help (help that I arranged for him after telling him that he could no longer have access to me or the kids unless he got clean) he doesn't want me. He has told his parents (not me) that he is ok now and is moving away and moving on. He wants full access to his daughter and that's it. I feel so hurt, so used and like I am the lowest of the low. I have wasted 6 years of my life with someone who did not care for me and that is so painful.
We have not spoken for nearly 4 weeks, he speaks to his daughter once a week and that's it. He is out of rehab in 4 weeks and back in our home town and I don't know how to deal with this. I think no contact is best because of the way seeing him and listening to his BS makes me feel. I want to get well and don't think I can do this with him in my life. His mother is willing to pick up our daughter and drop her back home so there is no need for me to see him really.
I'd be really grateful for any advice anyone could offer. Thanks for reading x
I hate myself for putting up with this, for putting my kids through this, for being so weak. Ex ABF made me feel like I couldn't get anyone else, often commented on my weight gain and on me not wearing makeup often enough, would tell me about his slim beautiful ex's, he even told me on a couple of occasions how he "got the dregs" when it came to me. Afterwards he would blame it on the drugs and drink and tell me he couldn't be without me, that we were his life. I was so desperate to be loved that I would forgive him and go back.
Now that he finally got help (help that I arranged for him after telling him that he could no longer have access to me or the kids unless he got clean) he doesn't want me. He has told his parents (not me) that he is ok now and is moving away and moving on. He wants full access to his daughter and that's it. I feel so hurt, so used and like I am the lowest of the low. I have wasted 6 years of my life with someone who did not care for me and that is so painful.
We have not spoken for nearly 4 weeks, he speaks to his daughter once a week and that's it. He is out of rehab in 4 weeks and back in our home town and I don't know how to deal with this. I think no contact is best because of the way seeing him and listening to his BS makes me feel. I want to get well and don't think I can do this with him in my life. His mother is willing to pick up our daughter and drop her back home so there is no need for me to see him really.
I'd be really grateful for any advice anyone could offer. Thanks for reading x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Sorry you're hurting and he is so cruel. It sounds like you know what's best for you. Can you use the next four weeks to heal? Take a vacation? Pamper yourself? Start therapy? Journal? Figure out what will make YOU happy?
He sounds like a jerk and I know it's still painful, but you have a lot of insight and you're going to be fine.
If you're into it, go to YouTube, look up Brad Yates, and do some tapping to relieve some of your pain and trauma.
He sounds like a jerk and I know it's still painful, but you have a lot of insight and you're going to be fine.
If you're into it, go to YouTube, look up Brad Yates, and do some tapping to relieve some of your pain and trauma.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey Britgirl, your idea of no contact is spot on. Who needs that negative force in your life? And so unfair and cruel. He may not be drinking but he doesn't sound recovered either.
If possible, without getting sucked in to his world, could you make an ally of your MIL? Not against him, but it would be nice to have a constructive relationship with her as a grandparent and maybe someone who could give you a break when you're tired.
If possible, without getting sucked in to his world, could you make an ally of your MIL? Not against him, but it would be nice to have a constructive relationship with her as a grandparent and maybe someone who could give you a break when you're tired.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Thanks Seek, I'm going to try to use the four weeks to find out what it is that Iike because honestly I really don't know any more which seems so crazy to me. I will definitely try the tapping, have 're read about it but not act actually tried it. Did this method work for you?
Feeling Great, thanks for replying. I do get on pretty well with my MIL but when she's not working she's drinking and she doesn't really make time for my daughter, her only grandchild. Her son (my ex ABF) has been in rehab for 14 weeks and they've only had my daughter once and that was when I asked them. They took her to the pub with them and got pretty drunk and I had to go and pick her up as neither MIL or FIL were capable of driving. They only live 3 miles away so it hurts that they won't make an effort for my little girl. It break my heart when she cries for them all. The whole situation is just such a mess.
Feeling Great, thanks for replying. I do get on pretty well with my MIL but when she's not working she's drinking and she doesn't really make time for my daughter, her only grandchild. Her son (my ex ABF) has been in rehab for 14 weeks and they've only had my daughter once and that was when I asked them. They took her to the pub with them and got pretty drunk and I had to go and pick her up as neither MIL or FIL were capable of driving. They only live 3 miles away so it hurts that they won't make an effort for my little girl. It break my heart when she cries for them all. The whole situation is just such a mess.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. I hear your hurt loud and clear. It's valid, and I know it feels terrible. However, I think you are wise to say that going NC would be the way to go. It will allow you to focus on YOU, and what you and your daughter need right now.
Many hugs!
Many hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
May mate told me 4 months into our separation that he had "no love in his heart" for me after a 14 year relationship. We have gone WAY downhill from there.
Could we have worked it out? Yes, but it takes two....
Good luck and hang in there!
Could we have worked it out? Yes, but it takes two....
Good luck and hang in there!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Just wanted to add something.
I overlooked the main point here about the dysfunctional relationship.
I believe your man is right about that. What relationship ISN'T dysfunctional when there is an addict involved? If he is using this is an excuse to not work on it and exit, then it is what it is.....
I overlooked the main point here about the dysfunctional relationship.
I believe your man is right about that. What relationship ISN'T dysfunctional when there is an addict involved? If he is using this is an excuse to not work on it and exit, then it is what it is.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Archive I'm sorry for your pain, I know how hard it is. You have just said exactly what I have been saying all along "how can any relationship with an active addict not be dysfunctional". The more I've thought about it the more I realise that he's just using this as an excuse to leave. One of the last things he said to me is "is it really worth all the work it would take to set us right"? That for me says it all.
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