Meraviglioso

Hi all, this is a desperate plea for some encouragement and kind words. I've fallen again, I am at the end of my rope today. I have wallowed around in self pity and have repeated to myself over and over "I never have to feel like this again"
Why does this keep happening? I don't even know anymore. I'm about to give up but I can't, I don't want to give up. I want to be better.
I was doing so well, feeling so good and strong. I started drinking the evening that I found out about my business partner screwing me again. I chose the very worst way to handle that.
I am a mess, I am so depressed and hate hate hate myself right now.
I cannot seem to make this work. How long have I been here posting the same stuff over and over???
I am determined to make it through today without drinking. Then I'l do it again tomorrow. But I am really afraid. I felt SO strong this time around.
I am here hovering over the keyboard, reluctant to post this because I am tired of admitting defeat. I am embarrassed, ashamed and just feel like a really crappy, weak person.

Dee74

Hi Mera

No matter how much you drink it's not going to make your ex business partner behave any better and it's not going to solve your problems.

It's not even going to make you feel better about your problems.

I felt sure I would never drink again many times, but it's true what they say - if all you have is a hammer all your problems look like nails.

I never had alternative plans or strategies to back me up, or if I did I forgot to use them...in the absence of an alternative I drank again.

You've shown that you can be sober - you just need to tinker with a few things to make the transitions permanent.

You need more tools and more alternatives

Have you read these plan links ?
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf

the difference between stayer sober and continuing to drink was pretty basic for me. I committed to doing whatever it took for me to not drink, no matter what the trigger or the reason.

Look at the support system you have and ask yourself if you could utilise it better the next time you need it?

D

Charlie117926

Mera

I do not have much to add to what Dee said, but I know how you feel. Just know you are not alone.

Meraviglioso

Thanks Dee. On Monday night there is a group led by the head doctor at the rehab center. From what I understand it is kind of like AVRT. The doctor explained that there they talk about techniques to handle different situations and to come up with solid plans for staying sober. Family members come with the addict to learn how they can also offer support. My boyfriend is going to come with me.
I tried clicking the links you posted but they don't work.
You are right, I have proven I can live sober, I just need to reach out sooner next time and do whatever it takes to not take the first drink. From sip one I am already down the hole.

Soberwolf

Hi Mera read D's links dedicate yourself like never vow to yourself do this for you

Drinking isn't solving anything

Nowsthetime

Hi Mera:

I'm sad to hear you so low but I'm glad you are here. I went back and read your threads and I didn't see one thread before you picked up. This has REALLY helped me, to post when I feel the craving. You made the decision to drink. Next time chose to come here and talk it out. You know what drinking does and what it doesn't do.

Chin up friend. Remember to lean on us because that's what we are here for.

Soberwolf

Here you go Mera I hope it goes well Monday night

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf

Meraviglioso

I did post, but it was too late. I had already made the decision to drink in my mind. Actually, when I think back on it, I had been fighting some pretty severe cravings for about 2 days. Once I got the news about my ex partner it was just the excuse I was looking for. I should have come on here 2 days before I actually posted, that is when the problem started.
While this information doesn't help me today, I will do my best to act more wisely next time.

Meraviglioso

thanks SW, but it isn't working for me. I get an error message saying "safari can't establish a secure connection to the server"

Dee74

Try another browser maybe Mera

D

Meraviglioso

That worked! Thanks for the tip Dee. I'll give it a read now.

Dee74

No worries Mera

D

Meraviglioso

I really need a hug, I want my mommy. I am 36 years old and feel like a child. Sometimes I get so lonely here. I love my life here in Italy but I have so few people to turn to here.

Dee74

You have a ton of cyber buddies tho

D

entropy1964

Hi there
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Big sigh. I know for sure that drinking NEVER helps anything and there is no 'reason' to drink. I try to remind myself that tragedy happens daily, all over the world. Far worse than pretty much anything I've ever had to deal with. But only a small, very small, percentage of us get drunk over it. Those coping mechanisms, and not just diversion techniques, but true ability to cope with fear and anger and resentment are so important.

I have a pretty large financial 'situation' going on right now. It got out of my control yesterday and I started my crazy thinking. I'm screwed, I'm hosed, what am I going to do? I had to stop completely. Sit. And realize that there was nothing I could yesterday. I have done all I can do at this point. But it definitely triggered my addictive thinking. For most of the day. I think also the feeling of being screwed (as I think you are feeling) is a very tough one for addicts. You feel powerless, and fearful, and angry. I know I feel that way pretty much no matter what is going on, on some level. Try to handle what is in your control (you, your part in this, your reactions and any logistics to protect you) and let go of what you cannot. Cut your losses if you must. But settle the situation and move on. You aren't a victim. Crappy shlit happens. That being said, I'm sorry your are in this situation. But drinking will not help at all. Hang in there. You can do this!

Verdantia

I am very sorry that you are going through this. Sobriety is so worth fighting for- it's a fight for your life. I am thinking of you.

Hawkeye13

another bee post here like Verdantia says, sobriety is worth it.

I don't fight for my sobriety so much as welcome it, or welcome it back
when I relapsed in the past.

Just get up and have a sober day today Mera--
I imagine Tuscany right now is pretty golden and ripe.
Take a drive out into the country and walk down some country roads
and look at the beauty, listen to nature, and reconnect with your "real" self.

You can do it.
Start right now, today, and also get yourself a journal if you don't have one.
Write out a "relapse action plan" outlining what you identified above in this thread.

When Mr. AV shows up, flip open the plan and follow the steps.

Leshar

Mera, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I can imagine how awful you feel about yourself. I think you go to AA there? Is it possible to get a sponsor? Or at least someone to talk to directly at times of crisis? And post here too.
I know the feeling of needing to be taken care of by one's mum. I'm 57 and I still miss my mum. Depended too much on her and this fuelled my drinking when I left home at age 19. No matter what age though, I still think it's possible to grow up and be resilient and like ourselves. Drinking will only stall that process.
Thinking of you and sending a warm hug.

IOAA2

Hi.
I didn’t realize the despair you’re in and pray you can recover.
I don’t know your financial situation, perhaps get a loan and return to the U.S. for a month or 2 for some intensive rehab like a few meetings EVERY DAY. I’m in a sort of rural area S of Boston and can easily get to 4 a day.

This perhaps sounds difficult but is feasible with some planning and a want to be sober.

Sobriety is the most important consideration bar anything else, without it we lose all else. I thought I was unique until I luckily saw the writing on the wall.
JMT

BE WELL

Meraviglioso

I am actually seriously considering rehab right now. I don't know how I will manage it with the kids. Their father is away for work a lot and cannot change that. I don't have anyone nearby who could take care of the kids. I know I need to make this a priority though and if I can figure out the logistics I will.