Well... unfortunately: I'm back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Well... unfortunately: I'm back.
People who had read my post knew that I was aiming for 100 days of sobriety and then I would see what I would do. Well, I did my 100 days sober and I was real cautious about drinking at first. In fact I went to a party on my 101st day, went completely sober and had a great time.
But I kept pushing the boundaries on myself to see what was okay. However one night due to my lack of emotional control, I got real happy that I went to enjoy a beer. By the end of the night (started in day) I could not find my car, thankfully. That day/night was the first of me slowly reverting back to drinking. The problem for me is not the fact that the booze is the most amazing feeling, rather I enjoyed the human interaction that I once again obtained from being out in a social setting and people being receptive to communication. I enjoyed it so much! I remember why I loved going to bars by myself to begin with. To this moment, this is my downfall.
I am back today and not last week or the week before because I was trying to drink normally. At this point my gf (and my body) get mad at me because I don't drink normally and just binge. Today and couple other times in the past I tried hiding and lying to my gf about drinking but she caught me. I don't lie to her and this one is the first so she feels betrayed that I am not trustworthy. When I was on my 100+ days sober were the best days of our relationship. Zero arguments and all good times. I want that again.
I also want it for myself as a lot of good things happened when I stopped. I noticed the depression that went away is starting to slowly come back; in my eyes that is way to fast!! But I guess alcohol is fast at this ruining-of-lives thing. I feel as I am not as capable of handling mental situations as I was after 60+ days. My mind isn't dumb yet but if I continue, it will be dumb and hazy again.
Truth is: I am upset about not being able to drink normal! I am jealous of people that can enjoy it and I just sit there twiddling my thumbs. can't. But I realize that I can't. I can't even taste this substance that I love because it hates me.
To all those who knew I would revert my ways: you were right.
Within my next posts I will write about some thoughts that have been hindering me from being able to stop and wanting to keep going. They are most likely wrong but right now my mind views them as truths. I will be honest: my resolve isn't the same as when I went for the 100 days. At this time my goal is to get that resolve back and stay sober. Once I get my resolve I be able to handle this situation again.
Thanks for reading and I hope you and I can help each other in reaching this sober life.
But I kept pushing the boundaries on myself to see what was okay. However one night due to my lack of emotional control, I got real happy that I went to enjoy a beer. By the end of the night (started in day) I could not find my car, thankfully. That day/night was the first of me slowly reverting back to drinking. The problem for me is not the fact that the booze is the most amazing feeling, rather I enjoyed the human interaction that I once again obtained from being out in a social setting and people being receptive to communication. I enjoyed it so much! I remember why I loved going to bars by myself to begin with. To this moment, this is my downfall.
I am back today and not last week or the week before because I was trying to drink normally. At this point my gf (and my body) get mad at me because I don't drink normally and just binge. Today and couple other times in the past I tried hiding and lying to my gf about drinking but she caught me. I don't lie to her and this one is the first so she feels betrayed that I am not trustworthy. When I was on my 100+ days sober were the best days of our relationship. Zero arguments and all good times. I want that again.
I also want it for myself as a lot of good things happened when I stopped. I noticed the depression that went away is starting to slowly come back; in my eyes that is way to fast!! But I guess alcohol is fast at this ruining-of-lives thing. I feel as I am not as capable of handling mental situations as I was after 60+ days. My mind isn't dumb yet but if I continue, it will be dumb and hazy again.
Truth is: I am upset about not being able to drink normal! I am jealous of people that can enjoy it and I just sit there twiddling my thumbs. can't. But I realize that I can't. I can't even taste this substance that I love because it hates me.
To all those who knew I would revert my ways: you were right.
Within my next posts I will write about some thoughts that have been hindering me from being able to stop and wanting to keep going. They are most likely wrong but right now my mind views them as truths. I will be honest: my resolve isn't the same as when I went for the 100 days. At this time my goal is to get that resolve back and stay sober. Once I get my resolve I be able to handle this situation again.
Thanks for reading and I hope you and I can help each other in reaching this sober life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi GoesWithThe Flow - welcome back 
I genuinely thought not drinking would be a prison sentence, some great weight upon me that would crush the chances of me ever being happy again.
I was wrong.
Instead I found a great new freedom. I rediscovered who I was, and I worked out what I wanted my life to be like and what I could do with it.
I had a toxic relationship with alcohol - nothing could change that.
Recovery for me has really been a gift.
When I look back at all the wonderful things that I have in my life now and the tremendous joy that I feel every day...not drinking seems a ridiculously small price to pay.
Instead of (no pun intended) 'going with the flow', I learned to stand on my own two feet, and I think that has made all the difference with me and the self satisfaction I feel now.
It takes a little time to get there..but then again it took me 20 years to stop
what did you change in your life besides just not drinking in those 100 days GoesWithTheFlow?
D
I genuinely thought not drinking would be a prison sentence, some great weight upon me that would crush the chances of me ever being happy again.
I was wrong.
Instead I found a great new freedom. I rediscovered who I was, and I worked out what I wanted my life to be like and what I could do with it.
I had a toxic relationship with alcohol - nothing could change that.
Recovery for me has really been a gift.
When I look back at all the wonderful things that I have in my life now and the tremendous joy that I feel every day...not drinking seems a ridiculously small price to pay.
Instead of (no pun intended) 'going with the flow', I learned to stand on my own two feet, and I think that has made all the difference with me and the self satisfaction I feel now.
It takes a little time to get there..but then again it took me 20 years to stop
what did you change in your life besides just not drinking in those 100 days GoesWithTheFlow?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
I am very young in my sobriety so I'll refrain adding my two cents. However I do know you are worth any effort you can muster to change your life and change your thinking. I wish you peace and happiness on your journey GoWithTheFlow. Everyone deserves that much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome back.
The feelings you are wrestling with are normal. But it will get better. Much better.
Social connection is important... And believe me, you really can have that without alcohol. In fact, you'll build much deeper and more meaningful social connection in sobriety.
100 days is fantastic.... It shows you that you CAN! At the same time, 100 days is just scratching the surface of what sobriety is....
Get yourself a plan, surround yourself with support, and embrace sobriety with all you've got! You'll see... Your life will be infinitely better
The feelings you are wrestling with are normal. But it will get better. Much better.
Social connection is important... And believe me, you really can have that without alcohol. In fact, you'll build much deeper and more meaningful social connection in sobriety.
100 days is fantastic.... It shows you that you CAN! At the same time, 100 days is just scratching the surface of what sobriety is....
Get yourself a plan, surround yourself with support, and embrace sobriety with all you've got! You'll see... Your life will be infinitely better
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
HI.
"Truth is: I am upset about not being able to drink normal!"
That’s OK, if you’re an alcoholic a large hurtle in the beginning is acceptance of the fact we cannot drink alcohol in safety, like it or not.
There is a lot of work to be sober on a continuous basis I found and wishing and thinking for it is just delaying the process. Hopefully we don’t wait too long as this dis-ease is very progressive and can wipe us out in a heartbeat.
I needed to stop the glamorizing of drinking and see how I ended up which was not a goal of mine.
There are a lot of good people offering good suggestions on being sober here and elswhere IF we use them.
BE WELL
"Truth is: I am upset about not being able to drink normal!"
That’s OK, if you’re an alcoholic a large hurtle in the beginning is acceptance of the fact we cannot drink alcohol in safety, like it or not.
There is a lot of work to be sober on a continuous basis I found and wishing and thinking for it is just delaying the process. Hopefully we don’t wait too long as this dis-ease is very progressive and can wipe us out in a heartbeat.
I needed to stop the glamorizing of drinking and see how I ended up which was not a goal of mine.
There are a lot of good people offering good suggestions on being sober here and elswhere IF we use them.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
HI GoesWithTheFlow. Welcome back. I'm glad you decided to cut the beast off again. I'm looking forward to reading your insights and thoughts regarding your relapse. Great job coming here and posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 172
I spent years resenting that I was an alcoholic and could not drink normally. I got sober at 16 and went back out at 19. This was in the 89s. I tried everything imaginable to be normal because I wanted that companionship and viviality that drinking offered to others. My drinking and usage pushed people away the more I tried. The consequences got greater and greater, my intake continued to progress.
I completely hear and feel everything you say and your struggles. Been there most of my life. I am still battling this disease. If not for intermittent periods of sobriety throughout my life, I would not have my degrees and profession. Every time I try a little controlled drinking it gets worse and I am always on the verge of losing everything I worked for.
Your struggle is real and dilemma most of us that are alcoholics have all faced. Unfortunately, this disease is powerful and it usually has to beat one down into submission before they are willing to surrender to the idea they cannot drink successfully.
The lie I tell myself is that I can still wrest some satisfaction from drinking without have dire consequences. Trust me, if. I think I can get away with capturing that sense of ease and comfort without serious and dire consequences, I would because I am an alcoholic. I cannot though.
Prayers for you. Good luck.
I completely hear and feel everything you say and your struggles. Been there most of my life. I am still battling this disease. If not for intermittent periods of sobriety throughout my life, I would not have my degrees and profession. Every time I try a little controlled drinking it gets worse and I am always on the verge of losing everything I worked for.
Your struggle is real and dilemma most of us that are alcoholics have all faced. Unfortunately, this disease is powerful and it usually has to beat one down into submission before they are willing to surrender to the idea they cannot drink successfully.
The lie I tell myself is that I can still wrest some satisfaction from drinking without have dire consequences. Trust me, if. I think I can get away with capturing that sense of ease and comfort without serious and dire consequences, I would because I am an alcoholic. I cannot though.
Prayers for you. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I thought it was monstrously unfair that other people could drink and I couldn't. That is where acceptance comes in.
Sobriety isn't a death sentence. Drinking surely is. But it took time and effort to see that. No, it isn't easy at first but it does get better. You've had a hundred days and saw the benefits. Add to that.
Be well.
Sobriety isn't a death sentence. Drinking surely is. But it took time and effort to see that. No, it isn't easy at first but it does get better. You've had a hundred days and saw the benefits. Add to that.
Be well.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Welcome back, and you know that you can do this. And, most of us were upset initially that we would not be able to drink. But, as time goes by, you see more and more benefits of recovery and you build a new life without alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Thank you all for greeting me so well and thank you to others who shared their experiences and insights. They are helping m understand once again that I am not the only one with this struggle and I am not the only one with those potentially drowning thoughts.
Dee, your question "what else did I change besides not drinking during my 100 days?" That is a very good question. I changed in positive and more productive ways but also not the most fun ways. I focused on work a lot and it has been fruitful but I began to feel the drain followed by getting unmotivated by a task seemingly to large to handle. Other than that I didn't really change other aspects of my life to coincide with my new lifestyle but I guess I didn't really know how.
I have discovered about myself that I become energized off of human interaction. I feel that human interaction is not the same as I get in the bar than in any other location. I haven't found many people open to conversation as they are at bars or I am just not looking in the right places.
At coffee shops people are usually busy reading or doing homework to talk. When I went to the gym same thing applies, people are there to work and not talk. I was busy this past summer taking classes but I didn't meet someone I could hang out with during the time of two five week sessions. The places I went, except at social settings with alcoholic refreshments, I did not adequately get my human interaction fix. I am a person that feeds off of human interaction so I would appreciate your guidance in this department: suggestions welcome!
My girlfriend, who doesn't drink, has suggested that I join a sports league which I would love to, but every time I get back into physical fitness I get some kind of injury and it is frustrating!! I was physically active most of my life and up until the age of (for most of us in the injury department) 28 did injuries really began to plague me. Right now I can't even walk around the block, the simplest form of exercise, without my plantar flex and heel hurting with every step and becoming swollen. Anything physical seems far out of reach at this point and that depresses me. I have hope that I will be able to get back to my glory days.
Question for you guys, am I correct in assuming most sports league have some form of alcohol during bonding times before, during, or after? I am under the impression that yes that is the case and that when alcohol is not involved people are eager to leave home anyway and not really interact before or after a sporting event.
To answer your second question Dee: I am feeling neutral about life. Not happy, maybe slightly grumpy and sad, but not terrible sad.
Actually that brings up another question. For the longest, even well into my 100 days, I really can't say that I was/am happy. I just most of the time feel neutral: not happy nor sad. Is the feeling of neutral normal in most people or are most people feeling happy?
Oh almost forgot, for those wondering about my plan. At the moment my plan is: avoid places with booze, find other outlets that let me get the human interaction I desire, call or text my girl friend before I want to pick up my first beer but actually do it this time, and get insights from you guys here to help me see things in a different way.
Thank you again for reading and for your guidance to come.
Dee, your question "what else did I change besides not drinking during my 100 days?" That is a very good question. I changed in positive and more productive ways but also not the most fun ways. I focused on work a lot and it has been fruitful but I began to feel the drain followed by getting unmotivated by a task seemingly to large to handle. Other than that I didn't really change other aspects of my life to coincide with my new lifestyle but I guess I didn't really know how.
I have discovered about myself that I become energized off of human interaction. I feel that human interaction is not the same as I get in the bar than in any other location. I haven't found many people open to conversation as they are at bars or I am just not looking in the right places.
At coffee shops people are usually busy reading or doing homework to talk. When I went to the gym same thing applies, people are there to work and not talk. I was busy this past summer taking classes but I didn't meet someone I could hang out with during the time of two five week sessions. The places I went, except at social settings with alcoholic refreshments, I did not adequately get my human interaction fix. I am a person that feeds off of human interaction so I would appreciate your guidance in this department: suggestions welcome!
My girlfriend, who doesn't drink, has suggested that I join a sports league which I would love to, but every time I get back into physical fitness I get some kind of injury and it is frustrating!! I was physically active most of my life and up until the age of (for most of us in the injury department) 28 did injuries really began to plague me. Right now I can't even walk around the block, the simplest form of exercise, without my plantar flex and heel hurting with every step and becoming swollen. Anything physical seems far out of reach at this point and that depresses me. I have hope that I will be able to get back to my glory days.
Question for you guys, am I correct in assuming most sports league have some form of alcohol during bonding times before, during, or after? I am under the impression that yes that is the case and that when alcohol is not involved people are eager to leave home anyway and not really interact before or after a sporting event.
To answer your second question Dee: I am feeling neutral about life. Not happy, maybe slightly grumpy and sad, but not terrible sad.
Actually that brings up another question. For the longest, even well into my 100 days, I really can't say that I was/am happy. I just most of the time feel neutral: not happy nor sad. Is the feeling of neutral normal in most people or are most people feeling happy?
Oh almost forgot, for those wondering about my plan. At the moment my plan is: avoid places with booze, find other outlets that let me get the human interaction I desire, call or text my girl friend before I want to pick up my first beer but actually do it this time, and get insights from you guys here to help me see things in a different way.
Thank you again for reading and for your guidance to come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by jryan19982 
Why is being back unfortunate?
Unfortunate because I am indeed in alcoholic and that is not something I am proud of.
Unfortunate because I will be alienated by friends who do drink and don't call me to hang out as to not tempt me. Loneliness isn't fun for me.
Unfortunate because there are millions of people that can partake in moderate alcohol drinking and I can't.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Yeah but knowing your not destroying yourself & not imploding by drinking is massive
So you can't drink alcohol neither can I I won't ever DJ in clubs again I'm 33 just bk from a 5 mile walk because I'm not blacking out anymore wasted
My point of this post is to remind you how fortunate you really are bud
Everything in time
Fwiw I think your awesome
So you can't drink alcohol neither can I I won't ever DJ in clubs again I'm 33 just bk from a 5 mile walk because I'm not blacking out anymore wasted
My point of this post is to remind you how fortunate you really are bud
Everything in time
Fwiw I think your awesome
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