Letting go and letting AH hit rock bottom
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Letting go and letting AH hit rock bottom
This is where I am....being strong and not putting myself last.
AH absent since Monday then yesterday says will get one day of being sober under his belt, by himself and would then like to come home.
One day??? I am still replaying this comment over and over.
Something tells me he is not about to reach enlightenment anytime soon.
He has accepted that I am not ready for him to come back yet and tells me he will beat this. I don't see much hope for him reaching out for help or joining anything other than online support groups....
I think online is great but nothing can be more real than face to face...is this wonky thinking?
Until he gets "real" I can't even begin to think about a next step that involves us being in the same house.
I really need to stay strong and focused but he texted the children this morning while I was taking them to school just asking if they are okay and eldest became very upset.
Any words of wisdom, or similar stories of having to let go very very welcome, you all are making this process that little bit easier thankyou x
AH absent since Monday then yesterday says will get one day of being sober under his belt, by himself and would then like to come home.
One day??? I am still replaying this comment over and over.
Something tells me he is not about to reach enlightenment anytime soon.
He has accepted that I am not ready for him to come back yet and tells me he will beat this. I don't see much hope for him reaching out for help or joining anything other than online support groups....
I think online is great but nothing can be more real than face to face...is this wonky thinking?
Until he gets "real" I can't even begin to think about a next step that involves us being in the same house.
I really need to stay strong and focused but he texted the children this morning while I was taking them to school just asking if they are okay and eldest became very upset.
Any words of wisdom, or similar stories of having to let go very very welcome, you all are making this process that little bit easier thankyou x
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Join Date: May 2013
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Hi! I am so glad you are here posting. As an alcoholic myself I do agree that one day means nothing. I am sure he has already done that before. A lot of us have. Taking one day off simply means we had something to do that required us to be sober.
Face to face meetings are not necessary at all. The AA program is the 12 steps outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Meetings are not required. I believe Rational Recovery also doesn't have a face to face meeting mandate. It is my experience it is a person's intent that matters. I have over four years of continuous sobriety with no slips and I never set foot in a single meeting.
I am sorry your child got upset but it could be a good sign that your husband reached out to the kids. At least he didn't disappear. For now you two should probably meet on neutral ground and try to work out visitation and contact.
Face to face meetings are not necessary at all. The AA program is the 12 steps outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Meetings are not required. I believe Rational Recovery also doesn't have a face to face meeting mandate. It is my experience it is a person's intent that matters. I have over four years of continuous sobriety with no slips and I never set foot in a single meeting.
I am sorry your child got upset but it could be a good sign that your husband reached out to the kids. At least he didn't disappear. For now you two should probably meet on neutral ground and try to work out visitation and contact.
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Thankyou 'happybeingme' I think I am just looking for some lifeline, something tangible that I can use to measure where he is and shows me whether he is committed to working through this time. I suppose I'll have to keep working on just being comfortable with what I need and stop looking outward.
You are right on some levels it is a good thing that he contacted the girls, I am sure he misses them and I can see the effect his absence is having on them.
I have asked him to let me know when he feels ready to talk so we can meet up away from the house and see where we go from there. I appreciate your reply, thanks again.
You are right on some levels it is a good thing that he contacted the girls, I am sure he misses them and I can see the effect his absence is having on them.
I have asked him to let me know when he feels ready to talk so we can meet up away from the house and see where we go from there. I appreciate your reply, thanks again.
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Taking care of you and the girls is the best thing to do right now. Unfortunately, when it comes to recovery the best way to tell if he is serious is time. It is frustrating. Remember to breathe and take care of everyday as it comes. Oh, and keep participating here it helps.
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GW- I agree with Happy, his recovery is his recovery. Your recovery is what you need to focus on. You have spent to much time trying to fix him. Work on your self.
You know the answer to 1 day sober and letting him back in. So he goes a day, week, month of not drinking. Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Its not only about "not" drinking.
The best thing you can do is get your house back to normal. Let AH figure out what he needs to do. Maybe you can get your kids into alateen or see a counselor if they are struggling. Go read the forum about "adult" children of alcoholics and see how messed up they are. You need to start to focus on there well being. By doing that it is "putting on your mask first," as they say in the airline business.
Hugs my friend, I hope you have a wonderful day and work on yourself!!
You know the answer to 1 day sober and letting him back in. So he goes a day, week, month of not drinking. Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Its not only about "not" drinking.
The best thing you can do is get your house back to normal. Let AH figure out what he needs to do. Maybe you can get your kids into alateen or see a counselor if they are struggling. Go read the forum about "adult" children of alcoholics and see how messed up they are. You need to start to focus on there well being. By doing that it is "putting on your mask first," as they say in the airline business.
Hugs my friend, I hope you have a wonderful day and work on yourself!!
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Hello GW,
You can set a boundary that the family home is a place of sobriety. After 18 years of high functioning alcoholism, I did that. My H was making a big drama of dumping his beer and going cold turkey. This was his second big crisis in 5 years. I said this was it. That I was never going back. I said no more of his drinking at the house, I was just done.
But here's the hard thing, GW. You have to enact whatever boundary you set. When my H relapsed 40+ days later, I warned him he had broken our agreement. I told him to get himself help - AA, addiction counselor, rehab - whatever. He got all puffed up and called me the c word. I waited a few days and he did no intervention on his addiction. So i Changed the locks. This is technically illegal. I was confident if he tried to pull the law in my neighbor and his brothers would help me hold the line.
He was exceedingly shocked I finally followed through. But I was guarding my home for the peace his not drinking brought with it.
I will never go back. I will fight for this little haven of peace.
You can set a boundary that the family home is a place of sobriety. After 18 years of high functioning alcoholism, I did that. My H was making a big drama of dumping his beer and going cold turkey. This was his second big crisis in 5 years. I said this was it. That I was never going back. I said no more of his drinking at the house, I was just done.
But here's the hard thing, GW. You have to enact whatever boundary you set. When my H relapsed 40+ days later, I warned him he had broken our agreement. I told him to get himself help - AA, addiction counselor, rehab - whatever. He got all puffed up and called me the c word. I waited a few days and he did no intervention on his addiction. So i Changed the locks. This is technically illegal. I was confident if he tried to pull the law in my neighbor and his brothers would help me hold the line.
He was exceedingly shocked I finally followed through. But I was guarding my home for the peace his not drinking brought with it.
I will never go back. I will fight for this little haven of peace.
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Gee....go to the "stickies" ....the articles at the top of the main page...above the threads. The ones with the locks at the left hand side. Find the one called "Classic Readings"....then, scroll down that one until you find the article titled: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
It should offer you a good yard stick......
dandylion
It should offer you a good yard stick......
dandylion
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My words of wisdom would be to stay separate for a very long time. Don't listen to a word that comes out of his mouth, look for actions, that is what shows you if a person has changed or not. Too many times you let them come back home, and it's business as usual. You and your children deserve more. Online is not sufficient for recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Hi all and thanks, I will check out the stickies..just for info no booze in my house has been a rule for over a year, that's why he does his vanishing act when he relapses. Also I have booked counselling for my eldest who seems hardest hit by the unpredictability and informed their school who are great at looking out for the kids.
Really appreciate the comments. When he said 1 day my gut reaction was 'more like 1 year!'
Going to Al anon tonight for me.
Really appreciate the comments. When he said 1 day my gut reaction was 'more like 1 year!'
Going to Al anon tonight for me.
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Yeah, 24 hours is a crock. He'd only be just starting to enter a detox-state at that point, not at all the same as being sober.
I'm glad you are hitting a meeting tonight & definitely make time for the sticky threads - they are amazing.
How old are your kids? Having dad just walk out for days on end like that is scary & confusing, ((((((hugs))))))) for all of you!!
I'm glad you are hitting a meeting tonight & definitely make time for the sticky threads - they are amazing.
How old are your kids? Having dad just walk out for days on end like that is scary & confusing, ((((((hugs))))))) for all of you!!
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I personally wouldn't be sober many years without the fellowship of AA. It was the support of other alcoholics that carried me through the tough times. There is no indication that he is going to stop drinking. Suggest that he call you when he has six months. He's seeking his enabler because without one drinking isn't as easy.
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Im going to go out on a limb and disagree with the advice to plan to meet up with him and make plans for visiting with the kids.
If he's toxic for you and erratic and cant stay sober and disappears for days with no concern for the impact on your kids, Im not sure that forcing the kids to have some sort of regular contact with someone in that state is the best bet.
That said, I did that myself with my now xAH. I was so hung up on ensuring he had a schedule to see the kids blah blah blah and all I did was try and control his seeing the kids. He had minimal interest at best in being a parent, he made no independent effort to set up times to see them but he LOVED to complain and play victim about not seeing them when it was ultimately he who chose not to see them.
Anyway, if he's interested in communicating about seeing the kids, that's great-- go for it. But it's not your job to set that up for him. I would get the kids to a therapist and get that persons take on the situation before I sat down with your AH to sort out a visitation plan.
If he's toxic for you and erratic and cant stay sober and disappears for days with no concern for the impact on your kids, Im not sure that forcing the kids to have some sort of regular contact with someone in that state is the best bet.
That said, I did that myself with my now xAH. I was so hung up on ensuring he had a schedule to see the kids blah blah blah and all I did was try and control his seeing the kids. He had minimal interest at best in being a parent, he made no independent effort to set up times to see them but he LOVED to complain and play victim about not seeing them when it was ultimately he who chose not to see them.
Anyway, if he's interested in communicating about seeing the kids, that's great-- go for it. But it's not your job to set that up for him. I would get the kids to a therapist and get that persons take on the situation before I sat down with your AH to sort out a visitation plan.
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One day. Sober. On his own. I almost snorted my coffee out my nose. (That would have hurt.) He would barely be starting to get the alcohol out of his system, and in no way even beginning to address the other issues that his drinking brought about.
Have you had a chance to talk with her about what made her upset? It's really easy to assume one reason only to find out it's something completely different. I know MY first thought on DS being upset about contact from his AF would be "He really misses him and wants to see him." I could be right. But it could also be that DS is thinking, "What an idiot. Gone and acting like nothing's happened, nothing's his fault. Does he really expect me to be OK? NO, I'm not and it's HIS fault. Where does he get off?" Or it could both and like 10 to 1,000 other conflicting thoughts and emotions.
And I just have to say: Seriously, WHO texts their kids right before they head into school, when they have NO time to deal with their emotions in a meaningful way and pretends like they didn't do something that probably (definitely) hurt and scared them?! How callous and selfish and insensitive...
I also agree with WTBH, that it's not your job to facilitate his relationship with his kids. I tried for a very long time to make AXH have a relationship with our son, to make it better than what it is. It wasn't my job, it was AXH's. My job is to be DS's MOM, not his Dad's secretary or personal aide. Not his Dad's task manager, not his conscience. AXH is (debatably) an adult; there are somethings that are solely his responsibility. And being a father is one of those. I can't be it for him. And it sucks. Because it means DS has a lousy father. And I can't change that, only AXH can.
What do you need? It's OK, and important, to take time to think about that.
Originally Posted by Geewhizz 
he texted the children this morning while I was taking them to school just asking if they are okay and eldest became very upset.
And I just have to say: Seriously, WHO texts their kids right before they head into school, when they have NO time to deal with their emotions in a meaningful way and pretends like they didn't do something that probably (definitely) hurt and scared them?! How callous and selfish and insensitive...
I also agree with WTBH, that it's not your job to facilitate his relationship with his kids. I tried for a very long time to make AXH have a relationship with our son, to make it better than what it is. It wasn't my job, it was AXH's. My job is to be DS's MOM, not his Dad's secretary or personal aide. Not his Dad's task manager, not his conscience. AXH is (debatably) an adult; there are somethings that are solely his responsibility. And being a father is one of those. I can't be it for him. And it sucks. Because it means DS has a lousy father. And I can't change that, only AXH can.
What do you need? It's OK, and important, to take time to think about that.
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While I agree that 1 day isn't enough, my question to you is...how many days is enough? What if he gets a week sober? A month sober? 6 months sober?
The problem with either party setting a "number of days sober" deadline is that for the alcoholic - rather than working for sobriety for sobriety's sake they are working for "30 days, til I can go home" or "90 days til I can go home". (Relapse is almost guaranteed as soon as they get what they were stopping for by the way).
He needs to work on sobriety. You and the kids need to work on healing. Once you and the kids are getting better, you can entertain (if you want to) a reconciliation.
My suggestion. Tell him that you won't entertain any deadlines. The best you can do is work on healing and see what the future brings. And if he is serious about sobriety, he will stop using the kids as blackmail. If he doesn't see that, then add...every tear the kids shed sets back our healing which in turn sets back his return date.
The problem with either party setting a "number of days sober" deadline is that for the alcoholic - rather than working for sobriety for sobriety's sake they are working for "30 days, til I can go home" or "90 days til I can go home". (Relapse is almost guaranteed as soon as they get what they were stopping for by the way).
He needs to work on sobriety. You and the kids need to work on healing. Once you and the kids are getting better, you can entertain (if you want to) a reconciliation.
My suggestion. Tell him that you won't entertain any deadlines. The best you can do is work on healing and see what the future brings. And if he is serious about sobriety, he will stop using the kids as blackmail. If he doesn't see that, then add...every tear the kids shed sets back our healing which in turn sets back his return date.
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This is just what I needed to read...lots of great stickys helping me through tonight...thanks
Let Me Fall All By Myself
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
Let Me Fall All By Myself
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
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Originally Posted by Geewhizz
This is just what I needed to read...lots of great stickys helping me through tonight...thanks Let Me Fall All By Myself If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
AMEN, and so much healing can be gained from reading this for all of us who've posted here. Praying for all, love Bernadette777
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