Charioteer

After maybe two weeks of incredibly difficult limited contact with the AW, I started texting back and forth a little over the past week... mostly silly things, little videos and funny pictures or whatever. She would send me something funny, and I'd send something back, etc. No real talking about anything serious, except she mentioned a few jobs she's interviewing for.

Today she texted that she wanted to see me tonight to play pool at the bar where we always used to hang out together on Thursday nights. Honestly, it sounded really fun, but I know I'm not ready to see her again, so I just said tonight didn't work for me. She'd asked to do the same thing last week, and I blew it off by saying I was sick.

She called my office, crying and telling me that she'd been watching our wedding DVD, that everything I said in it was ********, that I was a phony and that I never cared about her or her daughter (my stepdaughter has been wanting to meet me for lunch recently, but I haven't set anything up). That she gave me lots of time and love and devotion, and in return I aired her problems to my family and friends and didn't stand up for her when they would badmouth her. That everything about our marriage was a lie and she couldn't believe she'd believed any of it.

I guess this is all part of that manipulation game that addicts play? I assume so, but I hate it in my guts. It's so damn hard to hear these things from the woman I love... telling me this stuff while I've been sitting here dying a torturous death every single day that we're apart because all I want in this world is to be with her. I have a very hard time expressing my emotions to begin with, and I simply couldn't find any words to respond to the crying girl on the other end of my work phone line. I knew that if I opened my mouth, all that would come out would be "honey I'm sorry, let me make it all better," and as much as I want to do that I also know that it's a trap. I just said nothing, and she eventually hung up.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I have an adult conversation with her about this stuff? I wouldn't even know where to start... for me, there's no end in sight, I can't do it anymore, and I'm so exhausted from struggling every day that I have no fight left in me. But I'm still sitting here staring at a telephone, feeling like the worst husband and worst stepdad who ever lived.

zoso77

Nothing. But the only reason why she's doing this is because you're allowing her to get away with it. This --

-- is manipulative twaddle of the highest order and is shameless in its transparency. Is she by any chance Borderline?

All you have to ask yourself is the following: are you prepared to do what is necessary to reclaim your sanity.

Think about it.

Charioteer

I love this board so much. It's so damn hard when you hear it from the person... but when someone else re-frames it and re-sends it I feel like I process it all so differently.

Any advice on how to handle my stepdaughter? I still love her very much and she is a sweet girl. I want to be there for her, but I am weak when my wife confronts me, especially in an ambush like this.

zoso77

I'm a little out of my depth when posed a question like this, but I'll tell you what I believe.

It is incredibly, incredibly important that your stepdaughter knows how important she is to you, and whatever nonsense your AW is engaging in does not change that. Obviously the girl needs a stable influence in her life, because it's certainly not her mother. The problem is she's your stepdaughter, and I wouldn't put it past your AW to hang the girl over your head. I will defer to other members here who've been where you are in terms of offering advice on how to address your situation.

If/when you do see the girl, though, be unambiguous. You love her, she's incredibly important to you.

maia1234

C- your wife knows how to work you, if u let her. I would continue with the no new contact means no new hurts. It won't hurt if you don't know what she is up to. Can u block her number, or fb?

I do feel sorry for the child living with an addict. How old is she? Does she have a phone? Can u call her. I would not text anything . Hugs my friend, you both need to feel the pain to make change in your life

Hawkeye13

Because you aren't dealing with an adult.
Addicts don't play by "adult" rules.

They are more like manipulative, toxic children even if they
began as terrific, reliable adults before their addiction.

She is still trying to get you to do what she wants in a pretty darn
obvious and unhealthy way.

Quit biting and let her get to her recovery or not.
She won't even try to get better for real as long as she
can go back to the "easy" old patterns.

What really gets an addict's attention is having to take
care of themselves without enablers.

Maybe they wake up, or not, but they sure start to see there
is a cost to their addiction that they now must pay instead of
shifting the brunt of it to their family and loved ones.

Why don't you try No Contact for awhile and get some healing
and perspective under your belt?
Taking these calls, texting, etc. is just ripping off the scab weekly.

Charioteer

She texted me all night and then came back to my office today, crying, begging me to come back. I told her that there were a lot of things that were going on that I didn't like, and that as much as I loved her, I didn't trust that things weren't going to go right back where they were before. She claimed that me "running out" on her came totally after the blue, and she hadn't had a chance to change. She went on to say basically that "It'll be better this time, I'll get clean, I found a job and am making money, but I need you here to help and support me through this. If you married me, just two short years ago, then why aren't you willing to fight for our marriage? To help me through this? It's like you want to bail when things are hard, wait for them to get better, then come back and act like we're a big happy family!"

EVERY FIBER of who I am was screaming for me to go home, take her back, and at least give it a shot to see what will happen. I tried to think of what you guys said in my earlier posts. Tried to be strong, but it was so hard. In the end I said that it's over, and I'm sorry, but I'm immediately regretting it. Watching her drive away crying was absolutely brutal, and I will always wonder if I made the wrong choice.

zoso77

No one ever said doing the right thing was ever going to feel good, dude. Most of the time, it sucks. But sometimes, we don't have a choice...

Hang in there.

Hawkeye13

You can't "help her" get / stay clean.

See where she is in six months.
She needs to do this for herself by herself for it to stick.

You "helping" her will just hurt both of you.

For what it is worth, I really think you did the right thing
for both of you.

I am sorry it is so hard.

maia1234

C-We understand that it hurts, it has to hurt for her to want to change her life, the way she was living. It all has to hurt for you and her. Please read below....

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Hugs my friend, if she always knows you will catch her she will never change.

sairuhbeth

I am in tears reading this. I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. It is so hard, and I have been right where you are. I'm sure most of us have. When I first left my husband, it killed me. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him anymore, I left him because his addiction was killing me. His manipulation tore my heart into pieces. He would also throw our marriage vows in my face, show up at my work, show up at my house...pleading, in tears. It was awful to see the man I love in such turmoil and I wanted to save him so badly. But I couldn't. Nothing could save him but him. It may not feel this way, but right now, you have so much courage to stand your group. Sending hugs and continued strength your way.