CdeLight

Over the recent past I have been doing a lot of reading, both books and resources like this forum, and I'm actually finding the whole experience quite depressing!
On the one hand I am amazed at the incredibly similar experiences that other people have had with their A's - the lies, emotional withdrawal, denial etc. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not going mad!
On the other hand I am finding that the apparent hopelessness is really bringing me down! All the advice would seem to be suggesting that there is nothing that I can do to halt the inevitable downward spiral of my APs drinking and drug taking. Is this really the case? Is there nothing I can do to help her? She is still highly functioning, holds down a good job and is a good mother. We have a nice home and a wonderful happy son but I can see that if things continue on the path we are going down that will change. We are two intelligent people - surely there is some way that we can stop this seemingly "inevitable progression"? I feel so helpless - as if I'm watching a car crash in slow motion!

happybeingme

Have you spoken to her about your concerns? Taking drugs is not only bad for her but illegal as well. She is risking all of you by doing that. I knew I had a problem. I knew my husband was upset by my drinking. But knowing that wasn't enough. I needed to face the possible loss of everything before I was ready

MsPINKAcres

((cde))

I hate so much that you are faced with this situation ~ it's always heartbreaking to hear of another family affected by this disease.

The 3 c's that I learned in my own recovery (thru the al-anon program) say. . .
I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I can't Cure it

another C that I did learn was that I can contribute - one way or the other . . .
I can contribute to the insanity in my home or I can contribute to the recovery

I can do my part to make healthy decisions for me & my children so that my home & family are exposed to a recovery lifestyle
Will this make the "A" in our family change? no, but it may give the "A" an opportunity to seek healthier choices and possibly want to do something different because they see a different way

It may not change anything in the "A" but regardless I have made healthier changes for me ~ ultimately that is the only thing I can do.

Just my experience, strength & hope

Wishing you & your family the very best

CodeJob

Hello CdeLight,

I would imagine you're expressed your concerns about your partner's addiction before? I would imagine by now you've tried the Look, the Eye Roll, the nagging, the biting one liner, perhaps the silent treatment, the heartfelt talk, worried about your health chat, and the angry rant. You've probably suggested seeing their doctor, moderating, or seeing a counselor too...

Addiction messes with brain and thought patterns. It could be viewed as a parasite in the sense it will be fed until your partner is destroyed or arrests his use. Some say the smarter you are, the harder it is to arrest addiction.

You can put down boundaries to protect you and your child, but you need to be ready to enforce them and live with the outcome. Addicts tend to get riled up when you stop enabling, so you need to be calm and ready to not back down on whatever boundary you set.

LexieCat

CodeJob is right. There's nothing "we" can do to stop it. YOU can take steps to protect yourself and your child, but SHE has to make the decision to get clean/sober and stay that way, and be willing to do the hard work that goes along with it.

It's easier to deny the problem while things are still going reasonably well on the outside. And it's easier to convince yourself it's all under control when you are intelligent. She might be a long way off from being willing to give up drinking and drugging.

CdeLight

All of the above and any thing else I could think of .... I can safely say that over the 18 years we've been together at least 90% of the arguments we've had have been about my partners drinking and more recently drug taking!

I'm pretty sure you are correct. My AP accepts that she "drinks too much" but feels that she just needs to cut back and recently told me that she saw nothing wrong with a 52 year old mother doing coke at social events!! She has built up a network of "friends" who all live in much the same way and she now considers it be normal and I'm the odd one!! And this despite being recently arrested driving with 3.5 times the legal limit in her system!

Thanks for all your answers

atalose

18 years of drinking and her addiction has progressed to now include drugs.

And if the DUI has not shaken her beyond her just wanting to cut back then she’s not ready to quit any time soon.

I’m sure she can “cut back” on the alcohol because she’s added drugs to her highs and probably won’t need as much.

She’s had 18 years of addiction so far – you have had 18 years of trying to fix her and her habit – she has not had enough yet where she wants to change so that leaves you, have you had enough yet where you are willing to try something different for you?

CdeLight

Over the first 16 years or so my AP's drinking was generally in control with occasional blow outs - I was always more concerned about the effect that it might have on her health than about addiction issues. When she was pregnant she hardly drank at all (a very occasional glass of wine) and for the first 6 or 7 years after our son was born she drank relatively moderately. It's only in the last few years that she seems to have become unable to stop after she starts. When I met her first I was aware that she occasionally used coke but that seemed to stop completely, again until the last couple of years!

With regard to me being willing to try something different for me I have thought this through and have decided that for the foreseeable future I will be sticking it out. This is mainly for reasons around my son and also because I still love my partner and I'm not ready to give up on our relationship yet!

LexieCat

"Trying something different for you" doesn't have to involve leaving--at least not as a first step. Getting involved in Al-Anon (and maybe your kids in Alateen) can help all of you. Learning skills like setting good boundaries for yourself (not to be confused with "rules" for her) and detachment can make home life more peaceful for you and the kids.

atalose

That was what I meant by trying something different – exactly what LexieCat wrote above.

CdeLight

Yep - I've been seeing a counsellor, particularly with regard to my own co-dependency issues. I've also been trying hard to detach myself emotionally and I'm making progress in that area - I'm now sleeping well which I wasn't doing for some time. Al-anon is difficult to work with limited meetings in my area and I'm doing a nighttime college course but I will try.
But it would seem that the answer to my original question is that there is nothing I can do to help my partner into recovery and that I just have to let her illness take it's course? I hate being so helpless!

SparkleKitty

Your partner is an adult, with free will and a conscience of her own. Until she decides that the pain of changing is not as fearful as the pain of staying the same, there is nothing you can do to make her recover, or even want to recover.

You're not helpless, though. You can help YOU. You can help your kids, who have much fewer choices and resources in this situation.

LexieCat

Step one of Al-Anon: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable." That's it, in a nutshell. Accept that truth (and it IS a truth) and you can work on practices that will actually do you some good.

knowthetriggers

^^ This right here.....

Perhaps the best thing you can do at the moment is seek help for yourself so you can stop being so focused on your partner.

With a good support system you will ask yourself why you hadn't thought it sooner.

AnvilheadII

also from Alanon - we learn we are not responsible for another person's disease OR their recovery from it.

as you say she is:
52 years old
A working professional
A wife
A mother

those are all pretty darn good reasons to ditch the booze and the dope.
Getting a DUI is another good reason to quit.
She has much on the table and much to lose.....right now she is still feeling ten foot tall and bullet proof. She is impervious to the consequences....SO FAR.

Her disease is progressing.....she is doing more not less. Coke is a real game changer. She has now developed a cadre of like minded party buddies. You will be left behind more and more. There will be more lies, more excuses, quite possibly infidelity, money is likely to leave the account like water thru a sieve. She has shown she prefers the LIFESTYLE of a single person over that of a married one.

Liveitwell

Sheesh-I'm reading all these responses. So darn true. The old "isn't there something I can do to help" kept me stuck for years. I truly thought I could help - but some people don't want to be helped. My faith tells me only God can change hearts and bring about true and lasting change. I think yours is showing her true colors-or at least what's important to her at this time. Believe her! You can only take care of yourself. She has to own her life and her choices. I wish you peace tonight.

MsPINKAcres

I know it may seem harsh to allow a loved one that suffers from this disease to basically "be on their own" ~ to not be of any assistance to them ~ but in reality what you are doing is deciding to not to pretend to be their "god"

To detach with love & all them the respect, honor and dignity to be their own person ~ to make decisions - good or bad ~ to walk their own path.

From my perspective it is the most loving thing you can do

pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)

FireSprite

This says everything right here CdeLight, IMO anyway. She's telling you exactly who she is & what she finds acceptable about it. She is PERFECTLY ok with her choices, YOU are the one experiencing discomfort. And you know, it's twisted, but she's right. (Not about it being normal for a 52-yr old mom to be doing recreational drugs at social events... there's nothing "normal" in that. It sounds like she's insulated herself with a network of enablers, but that doesn't make them "normal".)

I know you've read/heard it 100x already but this is why working your own program of recovery IS the very best way to "help". Here's the way I had to start looking at it: AH & I on a sinking boat & him refusing to put on a life jacket even though he can't swim.... while DD stands on the shore, all alone. How long was I willing to try to forcefully wrestle him into that life vest? How long CAN I?... it's exhausting business! How long before I let him, a grown man, have the dignity of his own choices & what happens if I put that energy into swimming to shore & saving myself & DD instead?

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, I know how painful this is. The only person we can change is ourselves, we're powerless over other people. Alanon saved my sanity and I recommend it. I learned I can save my own life, what steps to take. The support carried me through the tough times of acceptance and change.

Hawkeye13

On a practical note, I strongly suggest you monitor your joint assets like bank accounts,
credit cards, etc very carefully and frequently and separate at least one account in your name only where she cannot access it.

You will be amazed and shocked at how much keeping up a coke habit will start costing.
And she will be no different than any other addict--draining family assets to feed her addiction.

Also, don't be surprised if she starts failing a work and in childcare issues before too long either.

The rate of descent can be terrifyingly fast and unexpected.
I don't say this to hurt or scare you, but because it is the truth for untreated addicts.

Take care of yourself and your son.
She will keep doing what she wants and you cannot prevent that.