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Halp

Old 09-15-2015, 09:45 PM
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Halp

Hello everyone,
I'm so happy I have found this site. It's been a long time since I've been apart of any forum. The last was when I was pregnant with my children who now are 8 and 5, and was way before this disease began to consume my life (ant theirs)

I wrote "halp" as my subject because I realized recently while I binge I tend to go on texting sprees with random friends and don't remember a word until I re-read the next day... And I tend to write that word. A lot. But I don't think people fuy grasp the way I have been truly suffering the last few years. And I'm terrified.
I have destroyed many areas of my life with this illness. For the last two years however, I've somehow held a stable job (while convincing myself that I'm a "functional alcoholic") and 2 year relationship as well. But. Trying to balance this disease and take care of the rest of my life is unbearable. It's untolerable, and painful. And it's killing me (I'm pretty sure, literally) ...
I have had some extreme scary things happen to me, this last year specifically. And I don't know why I get opportunity after opportunity to correct this, and get better but I don't! I don't know what it will take for me to stop. Will it be a death? Fatal crash? One of my children dying because I'm not conscious? What?!

It feels as though. When I'm inside my binge, or drunken stupor, that this "demon" takes over me. I write a lot when I'm drunk. And I KNOW some of the stuff I write (and of course say) is not from me. Or is it?! I'm not trying to not take accountability for the monster I've become. It's all just terrifying!
My last binge was on Sunday. I was so sick yesterday (Monday) I had to leave work early. I was shaking and crying. It's amazing the depression that gets triggered as well as insomnia. I was still sick today as well but not as much. I know I've hurt my body, my liver. I can feel it! I hate it. That fat warm swollen feeling in my gut?! Why would I do this to myself?!

I think I'll just keep posting about it. And checking out this site. Just looking for people who can honestly tell me "the get it" and that I can stop this madness from destroying everything and everyone I have in my life.

Thank you!
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Old 09-15-2015, 09:50 PM
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Welcome luckyinlove

the more you read around here the more you'll see that real, lasting change really is possible

for me that moment when we hit bottom doesn't have to be a crash and burn catastrophe...it can be a simple decision not to live that way for a minute longer

D
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Old 09-15-2015, 09:50 PM
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Thank you! 💙💚💜
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Old 09-15-2015, 11:38 PM
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Welcome luckyinlove I used to dread looking at my phone the next morning to see what garbage I had written to people. In fact as soon as I woke up the fear and panic hit me like a sledgehammer. Ild scroll through my texts and calls thinking my heart was going to rip through my chest. I sure don't miss that feeling. Stay close and keep posting x
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Old 09-16-2015, 12:30 AM
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Welcome Luckyinlove its nice to meet you
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:22 AM
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Hi and welcome.

" I know I've hurt my body, my liver. I can feel it! I hate it. That fat warm swollen feeling in my gut?! Why would I do this to myself?!"


That’s a question many ask while continuing to consume the poison that’s causing the problem.

For me it’s alcoholism which for me was my drug of choice and proven to be unfixable as long as we consume any form of alcohol. I was explained that alcohol is powerful, baffling, cunning and insidious.
It’s also progressive meaning it’s always there but is controlled by simply not drinking it.
At first I couldn’t accept that continued drinking was insanity for me but after some honest reflecting I believed it is, it became more clear when the alcohol left the system.
I needed to want to be sober more than drink and it started with being honest with myself and progressive work and changes to stay in recovery.

BE WELL
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Old 09-16-2015, 10:55 AM
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Welcome to SR Luckyinlove and congratulations on deciding to quit

Can't add much to the good advice already posted on this thread but you might also like to join The Class of September '15 thread as well. It is full of people who are stopping at the same time as you so you can give and receive support from people who are going through the same thing

All the best
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Old 09-16-2015, 11:17 AM
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I was (am?) a functioning alcoholic. I have a great family, I have moved up through the org I work for and now have a pretty damn good job. Its in non profit so it doesnt pay a ton but boy will it look great when I apply for my next job. I get my work done, I help others, I run other much smaller organization on my free time (because the orgs are something that I participate in and enjoy), so I have A LOT going for me. I make money in my free time by fixing up motorcycles and parting some out, I am pretty successful in just about everything I do. That is expect for keeping my alcohol intake in check. Once I start that first beer in the six pack, I pound it, and onto #2. Pound that one and onto #3, then I start to slow down because I realize that once I pound #3 I am already half way through my beer in a little less than 30-45 mins.

That being said, I think my family relationships have suffered a bit from this part of me, and every time I get sober, those things get better. Now this time hopefully I am sober forever because honestly once I get past that first two weeks I feel so much better. Anxiety is all but gone, my moodiness is all but gone, and my body aches are all but gone.
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Old 09-16-2015, 12:27 PM
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Thank you so much everyone!!!

I've been sober for a week here and there but nothing beyond that. I feel immediate results within those first few days. But I have so many triggers and I hate sitting inside of my head without numbing my thoughts with wine or beer etc. it's just exhausting. Either way you go about it, exhausting ....but I think I'd rather feel good and be mentally exhausted than constantly both. The damage I've done to the muscles in my body is awful. The leg and feet cramps. I have flat feet, I'm assuming from having babies and gaining large amounts of weight so fast. Before this disease became out of hand (a little less than 2 years ago) I was at my tiniest wait. I drank but I wasn't addicted. I went through a terrible relationship and then started drinking heavily starting about 15 months ago since then I have gained 40 pounds and it's honestly so depressing never knowing which clothes i might be able to fit into that week. I'm over it.
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Old 09-16-2015, 01:39 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Luckyinlove!!
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Old 09-16-2015, 03:48 PM
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I'm glad you found us here.

I can relate to so much of what you said. I have also been 'functional' throughout my (thankfully) short-lived drinking 'career'. I can relate to the muddled text messages. For me it got to the stage where I set my phone to delete all sent and 'read' received messages on auto so I wouldn't have endure the shame of going through them (obviously that was easier than just cutting out drink, no?!) But as I am a binge drinker (can go 4/5 days between binges then go wild) and it was random friends they would just think I'd been on a night out and had too much. In fact I was mostly sat drinking on my own and falling into a slumber; what a sad life!

I also write a lot when drunk and my family have described me drunk as 'seeming like a demon has taken over'. Before my recent mission to get sober I used to beat myself up about whether those things I wrote or came out with were my 'real thoughts'. Was it because I was really a bad person and the rest of the time, in sobriety, I was putting up a veneer of a 'nice' version of me?
Everyone reckons you tell the truth when you drink.

On further research I now concur that I was talking absolute nonsense because, going back to basics, alcohol is poison, a depressant, a solvent, a flammable and volatile liquid. It became glaringly obvious that putting excesses of that stuff into my body would change the way I acted, alter the chemicals in my brain and, as a result, would jeopardise my relationship with who ever was unfortunate enough to be with me at that time.

Once I started telling myself that I found it easier to stop applying guilt to myself and to focus more on positive action to take to recovery. It's a long road ahead but with the right tool kit and steely determination I think we can all make the journey.
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:59 PM
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I, too, became a person I didn't like at all when I was drinking, someone I didn't recognize. I hope you decide to stop drinking and give yourself the gift of recovery.
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