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Lost my inspiration

Old 09-15-2015, 07:40 PM
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Lost my inspiration

I got sober last fall when my wife was pregnant for 5 months then slowly got back into habitual drinking. I've been functional since but drinking 5 days per week and doing things like sneaking extra drinks. In the morning when I wake up I feel the guilt and I say I don't want to drink today.

I'm doing very well with my business so after overcoming that feeling and working hard all day , by the time it's ready to get my 2 year old and 3 month old to bed, I've abandoned the tboughts from the morning and I am comfortable having some drinks.

I have read my initial posts and personal journals and simply cannot identify with what it was that caused me to get sober before. I'm considering doing tony Robbins upw again but getting sober just doesn't seem so important to me at this point since I'm doing so well and am able to self medicate and convince myself I'm fine.

I'm just being honest. I know the feeling of well being and wholesomeness feels great but I'm also complacent in that I'm not really putting myself in harm.

I'm also considering the "yet" scenario but for some reason it's just not motivating me. Why can't I reconnect with that feeling last October that was so clear to me to get sober?
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Old 09-15-2015, 07:51 PM
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Cause alcohol is doing the talking. Not you, not sanity, alcohol.
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Old 09-15-2015, 07:59 PM
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Just curious, if everything is going smoothly with the 5 days a week drinking, what made you come back to SR? Something in your mind knows it's not healthy and you know how much better it can be because you were there for 5 months. Don't wait for the "yet", or relationship problems, job loss etc. you recognize its a problem now and you can stop it before it progresses. Your kids are young enough that it hasn't affected them, but if you continue drinking, it will affect them. The amount of consumption will progress and "yet" will become a reality.
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Old 09-15-2015, 08:09 PM
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Thanks for pointing out the future relationship with my kids. I do know that what I'm doing is not in the highest and best interest for what I want for my family. I also recognize while I'm a great provider and father, I'm not the best husband.

One thing ringing is that during the 5 months of sobriety, I was not at my best in those catagories either. I was constantly focused on not drinking and not at all present to the moment. Maybe the av talking but I feel now that I am able to....

Ugh I stopped myself from finishing that because I know it is a phony ******* line I was about to say.

I know I belong sober. Maybe I'll progress to where it becomes a problem I can label recognizable . I just can't seem to find that feeling I had last year that said "woah, you're not ****** yet but if you don't stop now you will be". Trying to find my determination, my "why". I know my "why" when it comes to doing business and providing but I cannot find it in sobriety right now. Should be obvious I know.
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Old 09-15-2015, 08:23 PM
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My daughter has seen me drunk 3 times and she is suffering from anxiety now and always worried when it is going to happen again. I can't tell you how horrible it feels to see her in such distress over something I caused. I wish I had stopped when she was younger and she wouldn't have to be dealing with this now when she has so many other issues of growing up to deal with
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Old 09-15-2015, 08:44 PM
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David, I can relate to some of the thinking here. I think that sobriety makes us feel so much better that it can be hard to remember what it was like when we were drinking, especially if nothing "horrible" happened.

I stayed sober for about 6 months, and thought I had it in control. Felt great and so began drinking again. A glass of wine here and there, and then once every other day and before I knew it, back to drinking every night. For me, drinking every night is a problem because I have a problem with alcohol. I can definitely drink one or two drinks here and there, but eventually it escalates. I am lucky. I still have my partner, my health and my job. I haven't killed or hurt anyone. But I am not living up to my true potential when I drink.
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Old 09-15-2015, 09:03 PM
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The trouble with waiting til it gets bad enough is twofold really.

You may, as I did keep moving the goalposts of what is bad enough...until something that may seem horrific to you now (fights, missed days at work, inappropriate and embarrassing behaviour, DUIs) begin to seem quite commonplace...

the other thing that can happen is going from functional and 'noone knows' to very dysfunctional and everyone knows.

Trust me, that can happen very very swiftly.

That kind of apathetic thing you're feeling right now - our addiction thrives on that.

Don't let your inner addict fool you into thinking you have this under control, David

D
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Old 09-15-2015, 09:13 PM
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Dee just about said it perfectly. You know you have a problem, that's why you here. Take charge and start working on a plan to combat your drinking before it s spirals out of control.
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Old 09-15-2015, 09:23 PM
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Yes! Dee and Sva77 are right: it is only by the grace of god and a matter of time before the "functioning" shifts to dysfunctioning.
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Old 09-16-2015, 12:51 AM
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Old 09-16-2015, 01:14 AM
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The addiction-demon is very good at rationalising a unhealthy destructive habbit.

stay strong, the inspiration comes and goes, let it be,
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Old 09-16-2015, 02:10 AM
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That "Yet" sticks in my head . The end has not "Yet" come . Try to look at it like this . "Yet" I didn't see my life ( as I know ) it coming to the end !! " Yet" again I was too late to see the damage alcohol did to me .
Just tossing a few things out there to think about , wishing you luck on deciding , not to wait for the "Yet "
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Old 09-16-2015, 02:53 AM
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I have been on this ride before a few times. Sober for 6 months, then decide whats one drink gunna do? Then it's a few, then everyday, down the spiral we go again. I know for myself I'm in the illusion of control when drinking.
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