Ready to leave him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Ready to leave him
Okay everyone, it's taken me years but I think I'm finally ready to leave my boyfriend. His drug use has continued, waxed and waned over the years but it's certainly still there. I've posted before so I won't rehash everything, but he snorts subutex (like suboxone but pill form and can be crushed - apparently it's like abusing methadone) and every 2-3 months he'll go on a coke binge, usually when I'm out of town. Our 5 year old daughter has never seen him use drugs, that I'm aware of and he functions like a normal person on the subutex, no nodding off or anything and you'd never be able to tell. But, I'm certain she's seen and felt the impact those drugs have had on her father regardless.
So I've decided that I'm done with the lies and the emotional abuse and broken promises. I'm done with the lost jobs and financial impact of his poor choices. I'm done worrying if he's going to kill himself one day when he scores coke and leaves the house because he knows I won't tolerate that here. I'm just done and I'm not even angry. I just don't want that in my life anymore.
I guess what I need from you kind folks is just some support that leaving him and breaking up our family is the right thing to do. My parents never divorced, so I hate that this is happening to my daughter. I hate that I'm making the decision to separate. I've read all the studies on divorce and kids and I know that it has a huge impact on kids and they're more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol themselves, just more at risk in general.
Plus, I'm concerned that I won't be around for supervised visits with my daughter. I won't be there to protect her from him if he does take a nosedive and starts using heavily around her or near her or while driving her, God forbid. I won't be there to protect her from him. She'll still have him in her life, so what positive impact am I really making on her life by leaving him?
As for me, I'm emotionally detached and checked out at this point. Without her in our lives, this would be a no-brainer. But, I'd do anything for her including stay with someone that makes me miserable.
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
So I've decided that I'm done with the lies and the emotional abuse and broken promises. I'm done with the lost jobs and financial impact of his poor choices. I'm done worrying if he's going to kill himself one day when he scores coke and leaves the house because he knows I won't tolerate that here. I'm just done and I'm not even angry. I just don't want that in my life anymore.
I guess what I need from you kind folks is just some support that leaving him and breaking up our family is the right thing to do. My parents never divorced, so I hate that this is happening to my daughter. I hate that I'm making the decision to separate. I've read all the studies on divorce and kids and I know that it has a huge impact on kids and they're more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol themselves, just more at risk in general.
Plus, I'm concerned that I won't be around for supervised visits with my daughter. I won't be there to protect her from him if he does take a nosedive and starts using heavily around her or near her or while driving her, God forbid. I won't be there to protect her from him. She'll still have him in her life, so what positive impact am I really making on her life by leaving him?
As for me, I'm emotionally detached and checked out at this point. Without her in our lives, this would be a no-brainer. But, I'd do anything for her including stay with someone that makes me miserable.
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Learningtodeal 
Okay everyone, it's taken me years but I think I'm finally ready to leave my boyfriend. His drug use has continued, waxed and waned over the years but it's certainly still there. I've posted before so I won't rehash everything, but he snorts subutex (like suboxone but pill form and can be crushed - apparently it's like abusing methadone) and every 2-3 months he'll go on a coke binge, usually when I'm out of town. Our 5 year old daughter has never seen him use drugs, that I'm aware of and he functions like a normal person on the subutex, no nodding off or anything and you'd never be able to tell. But, I'm certain she's seen and felt the impact those drugs have had on her father regardless.
So I've decided that I'm done with the lies and the emotional abuse and broken promises. I'm done with the lost jobs and financial impact of his poor choices. I'm done worrying if he's going to kill himself one day when he scores coke and leaves the house because he knows I won't tolerate that here. I'm just done and I'm not even angry. I just don't want that in my life anymore.
I guess what I need from you kind folks is just some support that leaving him and breaking up our family is the right thing to do. My parents never divorced, so I hate that this is happening to my daughter. I hate that I'm making the decision to separate. I've read all the studies on divorce and kids and I know that it has a huge impact on kids and they're more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol themselves, just more at risk in general.
Plus, I'm concerned that I won't be around for supervised visits with my daughter. I won't be there to protect her from him if he does take a nosedive and starts using heavily around her or near her or while driving her, God forbid. I won't be there to protect her from him. She'll still have him in her life, so what positive impact am I really making on her life by leaving him?
As for me, I'm emotionally detached and checked out at this point. Without her in our lives, this would be a no-brainer. But, I'd do anything for her including stay with someone that makes me miserable.
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
So I've decided that I'm done with the lies and the emotional abuse and broken promises. I'm done with the lost jobs and financial impact of his poor choices. I'm done worrying if he's going to kill himself one day when he scores coke and leaves the house because he knows I won't tolerate that here. I'm just done and I'm not even angry. I just don't want that in my life anymore.
I guess what I need from you kind folks is just some support that leaving him and breaking up our family is the right thing to do. My parents never divorced, so I hate that this is happening to my daughter. I hate that I'm making the decision to separate. I've read all the studies on divorce and kids and I know that it has a huge impact on kids and they're more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol themselves, just more at risk in general.
Plus, I'm concerned that I won't be around for supervised visits with my daughter. I won't be there to protect her from him if he does take a nosedive and starts using heavily around her or near her or while driving her, God forbid. I won't be there to protect her from him. She'll still have him in her life, so what positive impact am I really making on her life by leaving him?
As for me, I'm emotionally detached and checked out at this point. Without her in our lives, this would be a no-brainer. But, I'd do anything for her including stay with someone that makes me miserable.
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
If someone was in denial about a drinking problem, I certainly wouldn't trust them to drive the child anywhere, and risk some drunk driving incident!
Are you sure you cannot demand drug counseling to ensure your daughter is never put at risk?
If someone doesn't know enough to know that drugs are dangerous, and destructive to the brain and judgment, how can that person be trusted with the responsibility for a young child???
Wouldn't they be required to get help for their issues, and be truly on the path of recovery (not just saying that to get visitation or custody).
Is there some way to push for that? As a condition on parental access?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
I really don't know. What he's abusing is subutex, but it's prescribed and he could just say that he's not abusing it (not snorting). I don't know how to prove that it's abuse if it's purchased legally and prescribed. I have proof of the coke, that his last use was in July. But he could say that seeing a substance abuse psychiatrist IS treatment, although he only lies to her and she's essentially his drug dealer (for the subutex).
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I have articles in my blog in the "children of substance abusers folder" that explains the impact of parental drug use on children. It far exceeds the affects of divorce.
If you're ready to take the next step, you can ask for hair follicle tests, random UA tests, parenting classes, court-appointed visitation supervisors, etc. I would consult with a competent attorney to see what your options are.
Kids are sensitive, they know when things are askew. Forcing yourself to stay in an unhealthy situation and being miserable is not the answer. She needs one healthy and happy parent.
If you're ready to take the next step, you can ask for hair follicle tests, random UA tests, parenting classes, court-appointed visitation supervisors, etc. I would consult with a competent attorney to see what your options are.
Kids are sensitive, they know when things are askew. Forcing yourself to stay in an unhealthy situation and being miserable is not the answer. She needs one healthy and happy parent.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Do you keep a journal? I've found that really helped me to document specific incidents and remember how bad things really were at a given time. I tend to minimize, so that has been really helpful in my custody case.
Legal drugs are just as harmful as illegal ones if they are being abused. My ex is an alcoholic. Just because I can buy something at the grocery store doesn't mean it isn't causing harmful, dangerous behavior.
Legal drugs are just as harmful as illegal ones if they are being abused. My ex is an alcoholic. Just because I can buy something at the grocery store doesn't mean it isn't causing harmful, dangerous behavior.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Learningtodeal
She'll still have him in her life, so what positive impact am I really making on her life by leaving him?
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
Thanks in advance for everyone's help because this is tough.
She's young right now, but one day she will start dating, she will be seeking a partner for her life, what positive impact will you have given her. . .
you will be teaching her that as a partner, wife, girlfriend, or whatever name - either way - you deserve respect, dignity, honor and honesty - from herself & her prospective partner.
In not leaving my exah soon, I allowed my 5 daughters to think it was ok for your husband to steal, lie and mentally & emotionally abuse you. That this was acceptable behaviors.
That being done, when my daughters had boyfriends &/or husbands the same cycle continued in most of their relationships.
Seeing me finally make changes, has helped some of my girls look at changing, but not all.
Some are still dealing with & trying to deal with those unacceptable behaviors.
This is the impact you can make - she will still make her own choices - but in showing her your strength, courage and wisdom to make a healthier life for yourself & for her - you give her the ability to do the same when it's her turn.
just my experience, strength & hope
wishing you & your family the best
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
First and foremost, please consult an attorney--because I'm not one, but I have a good one.
Read the stickies above--especially 6, 8, 10, and the one with suggested reading has some info about explaining this to children in the appropriate way
If he's been prescribed subutex, it wasn't for a hangnail. You will demand all medical documents related to that prescription, during discovery. You will also raise questions as to his habit in interrogatories. He will have to furnish the documents and answer the interrogatories under oath. If he doesn't, he will be sanctioned and not allowed to testify--game over for him.
Based on the addiction, you will likely be granted sole physical and legal custody. He will likely have supervised visits, contingent upon passing drug tests. You should specify that he have court supervised visits or he will want you to supervise and this is probably not good. He will be given the opportunity to gain greater access based upon his getting himself clean, working a program, establishing stabile domicile. This is fair and good, and I'm sure something that you want. Be aware that he may not visit.
The legal process will work for you. Addicts, especially active ones cannot hide and they are largely foolish--maybe even stupid. He may nosedive when you leave--be prepared--but this will likely only bolster your case when it comes to the drug tests. Also, he may not even fight. Active users don't like to go to court--they can be locked up for that.
Be prepared for counter accusations. If you're no saint, I suggest you quickly become one, as you will likely be tested for drugs as well. And FOLLOW COURT ORDERS TO THE LETTER. A very quick way to find your child in foster care would be to allow unsupervised visits with a known addict.
Always be the one wearing the white hat. Be firm, but reasonable.
Hope this helps. Stay strong. Set boundaries and keep them. Take care of yourself--find effective ways to manage stress because you will have it. Exercise. Do fun things.
It was the hardest thing that I have ever done.
Read the stickies above--especially 6, 8, 10, and the one with suggested reading has some info about explaining this to children in the appropriate way
If he's been prescribed subutex, it wasn't for a hangnail. You will demand all medical documents related to that prescription, during discovery. You will also raise questions as to his habit in interrogatories. He will have to furnish the documents and answer the interrogatories under oath. If he doesn't, he will be sanctioned and not allowed to testify--game over for him.
Based on the addiction, you will likely be granted sole physical and legal custody. He will likely have supervised visits, contingent upon passing drug tests. You should specify that he have court supervised visits or he will want you to supervise and this is probably not good. He will be given the opportunity to gain greater access based upon his getting himself clean, working a program, establishing stabile domicile. This is fair and good, and I'm sure something that you want. Be aware that he may not visit.
The legal process will work for you. Addicts, especially active ones cannot hide and they are largely foolish--maybe even stupid. He may nosedive when you leave--be prepared--but this will likely only bolster your case when it comes to the drug tests. Also, he may not even fight. Active users don't like to go to court--they can be locked up for that.
Be prepared for counter accusations. If you're no saint, I suggest you quickly become one, as you will likely be tested for drugs as well. And FOLLOW COURT ORDERS TO THE LETTER. A very quick way to find your child in foster care would be to allow unsupervised visits with a known addict.
Always be the one wearing the white hat. Be firm, but reasonable.
Hope this helps. Stay strong. Set boundaries and keep them. Take care of yourself--find effective ways to manage stress because you will have it. Exercise. Do fun things.
It was the hardest thing that I have ever done.
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