Notices

Confused Newcomer

Old 09-15-2015, 12:37 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozone Park, NY
Posts: 18
Confused Newcomer

Hello all,

I'd like to keep my name anonymous for now as I work for a drug and alcohol rehab and would not be surprised that patients from this facility may very well be aware/users of this website.

I was born and raised in NYC. My mother just made 9 years sober on my birthday, April 18th, and my sister started going to AA meetings this past Sunday. Obviously, this is a family affair.

I too have been struggling with addiction.

I had my first taste of alcohol between the ages of 5 and 8 (kind of blurry). I remember my grandfather giving me a sip of his Heinekin. I began to drink more around the age of 15, but it was never something I liked. I did it to feel a little numb but I could not stand the taste, therefore I barely drank. I was much more into marijuana. On my 14th or 15th birthday, (again, parts of my life seem hazy), me and my mother shared a cigarette and a cranberry vodka in the stairs of our apartment building.

Fast forward to 18, I began drinking till I blacked out. I had done everything from ecstasy to cocaine. It is often said MJ is a gateway drug, but for me it was the alcohol. I had no cares while drinking and would do almost anything.

On my 21st birthday, I got really drunk and fought with some guy at a bar. He knocked me out and I fell on my face and had to get 15 stitches on my right temple. I continued to drink. I began to lose cell phones, I was getting robbed on the subway because I kept falling asleep. Money, wallets, and cell phones were no longer mine.

I had stopped drinking for 90 days during the summer of 2014. In that time, I tricked myself into thinking I was cured. I had lost all this weight, had not ONE drop of alcohol. The day my 90 days were up, I used that same night. That weekend, I got black out drunk and spent the next day vomiting from 2pm-11pm. I was at the bar the next weekend.

I am here because, although I am a bit confused as to where I am addiction wise, based off of the knowledge that alcoholism is a progressive illness, I am on the road being an alcoholic.

I know a lot of people are in my situation. People who don't drink everyday, but when they do, almost every time, something goes wrong. This past summer, I lost four cell phones and ran my credit card bill up replacing those phones. I have done cocaine twice this summer after YEARS of not doing it. I know losing cell phones seems small, or maybe it doesn't, but I have this weird feeling as if I am renting my possessions. I have this glitzy new cell phone that I will most likely lose during the next month.

I feel guilty because both of my dads kids are struggling with substance abuse, his wife is an alcoholic and his father died an alcoholic. I hate that my father will have to look back on his life and always remember being surrounded by addiction when he himself has never suffered from it.

After writing this, it made everything much more real. I cant believe i did coke again. I don't know why I am here or even about to submit this, but who ever reads it, thank you.
ajr91 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 12:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lunar's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Mare Crisium
Posts: 1,928
Welcome ajr91!
lunar is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 12:50 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I could suggest you read your post and answer your question honestly. I couldn’t start to sober until I got honest with my drinking AND accept the fact that I cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row.

Denial is a huge factor in not recovering and doing the work we need to stay recovered. We’re all different but have a common powerful demon working against us and it’s far better to stop using now than later.
I say that because I was a procrastinator.

BE WELL
IOAA2 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 12:52 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
PasserbyDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Newtown, CT USA
Posts: 58
Well, AJR, on one level you don't know why you're here, but on another level it's clear at least part of you feels like you have a problem. Don't kick yourself; you're human, and it's pretty clear you've been surrounded by other people with the same problem all your life. Whether it's alcohol or weed or drugs, whether it's constant or occasional, abusing these substances gradually takes you over - that's what an addiction is. It's good you came here - use this place for whatever you can. Good things can happen here.
PasserbyDave is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 12:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozone Park, NY
Posts: 18
Its like what baffles me is my awareness of whats happening, but my inability to fix it or to do something about it!! ITS INSANITY
ajr91 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:26 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ccam1973's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome Ajr. There's a ton of support here and looks like you've already gotten some good insight to your question.

In my opinion, if you have to ask yourself if you have a problem or are addicted then you've probably got good cause to stop. If your relationship with alcohol negatively affects your life more than the positive outcome you get from it, then stop. If you aren't an alcoholic / addict then stopping shouldn't be a problem. If, however, you find yourself like many of us here; me included; and are consumed with drinking then there's an even better reason to quit.

I wish I had quit when I was your age versus spending a couple of decades wondering if I had a problem.


Welcome aboard!
ccam1973 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:28 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,270
Welcome!
Anna is online now  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Ajr and welcome. I can relate to a lot of your post. The family history, the being surrounded by addiction and being introduced to alcohol at a very young age, and the fact that you put yourself in very dangerous situations when under the influence. I agree that alcohol is a huge, very dangerous, gateway drug. Of course, it lowers my inhibitions so I'll do, try, say anything. The loss of the phones isn't the big deal, its that you're so completely helpless in a public place that is the danger. I get a little passionate about this stuff because I was assaulted about 4 years ago because I put myself in a very dangerous situation. Sorry if I'm projecting my fear onto you. Please be careful.

Only you can decide if alcohol is a problem or not. You have a pretty extensive history with addiction and recovery and you work at a rehab. I'm guessing you know what to do. Honestly, and I say this from a place of compassion not judgement (afterall, I'm an addict too...and a very sick one) I believe you are in denial.

If you continue to drink, pls, at minimum, try to protect yourself.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozone Park, NY
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
Hi Ajr and welcome. I can relate to a lot of your post. The family history, the being surrounded by addiction and being introduced to alcohol at a very young age, and the fact that you put yourself in very dangerous situations when under the influence. I agree that alcohol is a huge, very dangerous, gateway drug. Of course, it lowers my inhibitions so I'll do, try, say anything. The loss of the phones isn't the big deal, its that you're so completely helpless in a public place that is the danger. I get a little passionate about this stuff because I was assaulted about 4 years ago because I put myself in a very dangerous situation. Sorry if I'm projecting my fear onto you. Please be careful.

Only you can decide if alcohol is a problem or not. You have a pretty extensive history with addiction and recovery and you work at a rehab. I'm guessing you know what to do. Honestly, and I say this from a place of compassion not judgement (afterall, I'm an addict too...and a very sick one) I believe you are in denial.

If you continue to drink, pls, at minimum, try to protect yourself.
Thank you very much. I appreciate your honesty. I believe I am in denial, or a weird state of denial. I get even more confused because I am aware yet continue to drink. I sound like a broken record.
ajr91 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:51 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I've been there too. And I stayed there for a long time....you're here and asking questions. That's a great start. Stick around, share and read. I'm pulling for you.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:56 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,651
Welcome to the family. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.
least is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 01:59 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Upwardspiral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Ajr, welcome. That cognitive dissonance seems to be very common here. I definitely struggled with it for years before I could fully accept what I had to do. It's hard that we have to self diagnose and self heal when we are so weakened and confused by our craving.
Keep reflecting on it. Don't accept that it's insanity and there's nothing you can do. You can recover the whole person inside of you that does not rely on drugs or alcohol. Stick around, this place is great. :-)
Upwardspiral is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 02:04 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
AlmA
 
Aiko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
Dear AJR
I am afraid you are addictive so is like you are alergic to prwans... You must not touch them!!!
I beliebe genetics have a lot to do with it!
My dad is an alcoholic and finaly lost his head!
And I have his genes.... Can nit touch a thing or I loose it!

Is difficult to get round your head and understand you are an addict.....
And the more you continue the worse it will get!!!!
Cell phones are replazable.... But it gets much worse!!! It will take over your life more and more!!! And at the end you loose your marbles!
Can loose yoir job! Friends! Family! Have and accident and hurt yourself and others end up in Jail..... And is not a joke it happens sudenly it can destroy your life!

Glad you came to SR we all help each other!
Have not to be ashamed you are not the only one with doughts....
Is taking me years to get round it!
The sooner you realize the sooner you can start accepting it!
And learn how to handle it!
In SR you can learn many ways to overcome this illness or what you want to call it!!!

Your life will improve so much sober!
But you will have a littke debyl in your shouldar that will give you thousands of excuses to consume anything!
Sorry but you are in the boat, learn to sail it!

All my best in your recovery XO
Aiko is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 02:34 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by ajr91 View Post
Its like what baffles me is my awareness of whats happening, but my inability to fix it or to do something about it!! ITS INSANITY
You posses the ability to do something about it, that is almost a guarantee. It comes down to the severity of the consequences as to what or when you will do something about it. Some people have very little in terms of consequences and choose to quit, and succeed. If you read enough posts around here, you will see that some quit because if they didn't, they would die, or were already dying. But in the end, they DID quit. based on your OP, you've suffered consequences and have experienced the guilt and frustration over it. You found and joined this site, that is an indicator that you are concerned (which is a good thing). People here will help you, people like me will support you. I wish you the best.
thomas11 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 02:45 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozone Park, NY
Posts: 18
You have all been so welcoming and I feel good that I am being understood.
ajr91 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 02:49 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
This will help you only if you help yourself..... build a plan get a recovery programme going, there is so much choice something for everyone plus there is this awesome community you can turn to for advice, questions etc

When you realise all of this is caused by your inability to drink safely or responsibly you will find your acceptance & from there you keep building on solid foundation (sorry if I sound blunt or arrogant I don't mean to)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html

I know you can get sober as I got sober
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 03:14 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizzyborden2011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: CO
Posts: 31
Welcome ajr91! You have made a first step just by posting and responding well to all feedback. I am on day 4 myself and it is scary/difficult/liberating and so much more to be able to come to this site and speak freely with no judgement. I hope you continue to come here and make use of all it has to offer. We are all fighting battles!
lizzyborden2011 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 03:17 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
PasserbyDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Newtown, CT USA
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by ajr91 View Post
Its like what baffles me is my awareness of whats happening, but my inability to fix it or to do something about it!! ITS INSANITY
Yeah, it's almost like you have 2 different people inside you, one knows about all of this (that's the side that swears you'll quit) and the other doesn't see any problem and tells you to chill out and have another drink. That side is your Addictive Voice.
PasserbyDave is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 03:17 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,937
Hi and welcome ajr

sometimes it helps to take the label out of the equation...if your drinking is causing you problems, then its pretty reasonable to suggest you should stop drinking and causing yourself problems

you'll find a ton of support here

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-15-2015, 03:24 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozone Park, NY
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by PasserbyDave View Post
Yeah, it's almost like you have 2 different people inside you, one knows about all of this (that's the side that swears you'll quit) and the other doesn't see any problem and tells you to chill out and have another drink. That side is your Addictive Voice.
yes. Its this battle between denial. My sister told me we are both fighting tooth and nail to have alcohol remain in our life when we BOTH know its just not good for us.
ajr91 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:14 AM.