Geewhizz

Tired and angry today....my relapsingAH left yesterday morning on pretext of errands and hasn't returned....my 13 and 11 year old girls are confused and hurt.
I have phoned their school and explained the situation. The Teacher I spoke to was very understandingwill arrange counselling and keep an eye on them....
I know he can't help it but my girls are hurting and that makes me so angry.

I feel angry at the sympathy in others voices, at this victimising situation. I have fought child abuse and survived a bullying childhood just to feel that I am back in the role of victim....I am usually stronger than this, I am identifying or projecting too much with/onto my kids. I have been a fierce protector of their childhoods and yet here we are.....
I know talking to the school and bringing the situation to their attention is the right thing for the girls but I feel like I have failed them. I also know it is my AH that has failed them and not me....too tired and emotional to see the wood for the trees tonight. Fed up

Liveitwell

You haven't failed them-he has. It's your job to be their voice and to teach them to use their voice and boundaries. I understand how you feel-it's devastating to see it effect your kids...I understand.

wanttobehealthy

Im so sorry for you and your daughters....

You could always change the locks so that when he does return back, he has a clear message about what behavior is and is not allowed...

Im being a bit dramatic, but in hindsight, having had an XAH who disappeared for days on end and caused ANXIETY and hurt for my kids and for me too, I wish I had just changed the locks and let my behavior speak for itself just as his behavior spoke about his intentions...

Sending you hugs from afar...

HHTexas

Been there. My little guy is much younger and is probably still aloof (but probably more aware than I realize-he's 2). Yes the long nights... Trying to be peaceful but hoping he's not driving and killing someone on the roads. One night I drove around town (never saw him). One night he showed up with the front end of our car crunched. Hasn't happened recently. And the devastation of relapse. Ugh ugh ugh. So ready to be done with this. But so scary. Small steps.

emilynghiem

Dear @Geewhizz:
When people have a broken leg or back, that suddenly goes out again and puts them out of a commission with unbearable pain, it is easier to understand a physical failure, like an "old war injury" that suddenly acts up.

it's harder to understand when the wound is invisible, like a broken heart or damage to the mind that also takes time to heal, but can suddenly have "bad days" where old scar tissue is very sensitive.

So touching that can make someone suddenly scream and yell.

If I had to make an analogy I might compare a "delayed reaction" to a pitbull with an old injury, and if you rub the dog the wrong way, where it hits that old wound and the dog feels you are attacking, the dog can suddenly turn viciously and bite your arm off, out of pure knee jerk reaction, but not mean to hurt a beloved owner.

That can happen to the best dogs and best owners, out of sudden shock.

Sorry this happened to you. Sorry it is so hard to explain to people unless they've been through it.

If you can explain that you are "not trying to justify" this.
It's not an "excuse" but it's a REASON that explains your reaction,
that may take some of the fear out of the way.

I pray the love between you and your daughters grow greater
than any fear or worry that may separate you.

One of the teachers who mentored me said she had certain students with anxiety disorders that may suddenly throw them into a panic or rage without warning where they couldn't function in the classroom. But they didn't want to make a scene, draw attention to their issues, or worse require special treatment.

So she made arrangements with the student's other teachers and principals, that if the student ever felt an attack come on, to sit still and wait until after the lesson when the class was working on their own, come up to the teacher holding a book, but hide a note in there saying they needed to go to the principal's office and be alone. And then the teacher would write out a slip and send the student to the principal's office who would let them sit there, for however long it took, until they felt safe to return to class.

Maybe you and your daughters could come up with a safe word or flag system that if you suddenly have a bad day, you have a routine that you can follow, so you and they both know what's going on, and where you will be until you can sit it out and come back when the storm has passed.

if you set up an agreed system on how to handle days like this, and make a deal to go treat everyone to a nice outing together afterwards, to celebrate the storm passing, then it won't be something to fear or dread as much. Because you all would know to look forward to something nice after it is over, like a graduation party after the horrible nervewracking finals that nobody enjoys.

Sometimes using "reverse psychology" and finding ways to embrace and work through the very thing we hate so much, even associating a positive event helps take the pressure off, so these bad days will happen less and last shorter next time.

Maybe you and your girls can come up with something creative in the future to take some of the fear and dread out of these days when they happen.

Katchie

It sucks. There is no other way to say it. I have children too. Make it safe for your daughters to vent their hurt and anger to you. This has helped my sons over the years. They know when they are with me they can voice their hurt and anger, even anger at me that I let him come back home after leaving us for booze (not this last time I didn't!). Another thing I did, but mine are teens, is when I saw one struggling I would take that one to eat breakfast or dinner, or whatever, so we could be alone and let him say what he needed in private and in general just have us time where he didn't have to compete for me with other brothers. I have tried to create as safe a place as possible for them to be heard even in the midst of their fathers alcoholism.

theuncertainty

BE angry. And you don't have to excuse his behavior because of his drinking. He can't help it? MAYBE he can't help having the urge to keep drinking. But leaving was a choice he made. Be angry. You have every right to feel as you do.

I'm glad you're lining up resources for your girls. Are you taking care of yourself, too? I'm sorry you're going through this.

FeelingGreat

Geewhizz I'm sorry you've been put in this position. Just a warning about over compensating with the girls; I'm sure they will appreciate a stable home and the usual routines. You all have to live your lives around him for now.
Do you have any history to tell when he'll pop up again?

Geewhizz

Maybe he can't help having the urge, you are so right, it is what he does with that...I am sad for him that he has this addiction i am lucky not to have become addicted myself with the amount I used to drink.

Today is another day, still no contact but that's okay. It is sad but peaceful and with no drama.

When AH gave up I thought this will be it now we can make plans we can start to move forward and yet he was so irritable and sullen, if he had a bad day (frequently) he would barely talk to me or girls and would withdraw. I have learned so much on here already and feel stronger.

I saw on here somewhere " no new hurts" He may choose to withdraw and not to get help BUT I choose not to continue to allow this to affect me and the girls. Every day is one step forward towards my new and calmer future. I don't want to carry him. He is too too heavy.

Wisconsin

I love this. It reminds me a bit of something the late, great m1k3 would say...marriage/partnership is not a mutual suicide pact. I am in the same place emotionally as you...my AH may allow alcoholism to drag him down, but I will NOT allow it to take me (or the kids) along for the ride.

Geewhizz

Hi, I think he usually comes back after lots of calls and pep talks from me. The times away seem to have lengthened over the last couple of years. He has family in France and spent almost a month out there last autumn. I try to appeal to him On any level I think will shine a light for him and I am learning that I may have been a part of forcing him into a recovery he hasn't been ready for....it's draining me. It will never be real until he needs it for himself. It's so telling because he has relapsed twice this year and both times when I went away for a few days. I think sadly that I am the reminder and the punishment in his head.