hummingbird358

So my son will turn 21 in a month. I am scared to death. He had been doing well for a little over 3 months. He did ask the gf to get him booze a few weeks ago and she refused and he threw a fit. Then I told him that I won't go down that road again, etc. So then this weekend after they left I did snoop and found that he did have some to drink. At no time did he appear intoxicated or get ugly, etc. In fact, he went to work and was normal. Today, I am not sure of. I am not sure if he would have had some hidden or not. I just don't know. I think I smell it but just not sure because I thought that a few weeks ago and searched every where and didn't find anything. He doesn't have the best hygiene so maybe it is just odor.

I want to talk to him before the big birthday. I want to know his plans. He is on an anxiety med and he knows he is not supposed to be drinking. I did check his pill count and it looks like he never took them this weekend.

Graduating college in December then he is planning on moving. I am kind of excited but frightened at the same time. He will either sink or swim because it is way to far for me to drive and way to costly for me to fly there.

maia1234

Mom, you need to hit an alanon meeting. I am sorry to be harsh, but you said you are looking for words of wisdom..

Why are you snooping, checking his breath, checking to see if he is intoxicated. We both know if he has alcohol he is drinking. I am not sure why you are doing this. You ask if he will sink or swim when he graduates. You know the answer to that question already.

You need to work on your program. Not engaging. Who cares if he is drinking, it is not your responsibility, he knows right from wrong. Why would you want to talk to him about his big birthday. He obviously has issues so not sure what you would discuss.He is a big boy and you need to start treating him that way.

Keep reading and educating yourself about addiction. I tried for 34 years all the things you are doing. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. Try something else!!
Hugs my friend!!

LexieCat

Sadly, this is how it usually goes. It's probably a good thing that he's moving such a distance away. You should give some thought about what you will do if/when he crashes and burns once he's out on his own. You may be strongly tempted either to rush out there and force him into rehab, or let him come home where nothing will change.

I agree with maia that a chat with him about his birthday is a waste of time. What would you say, "Don't drink"? "Be careful"? That hasn't worked so far, has it?

CodeJob

Oh Hummingbird, I am worried about you and your son's fellow enablers.

Does he have a friend to crash with? Marijuana job leads? Free weed internships? What planning is he undertaking to kick start life post-degree?

Because it's on him, right? He should be the one packing up, networking, and getting ready to graduate and head off to CO.

You should be looking at paint chips to reclaim his room. Go to Lowes and haul home about 20 different shades and obsess over that. Start a Pinterest page on decor ideas. You'll get more out of this than tracking his addiction.

Pick a locksmith too. I keep a 24/7 one in my cell phone... You just might decide to make it clear he's not returning and your home isn't a crash pad in case he flips out and doesn't launch.

Work towards peace.

emilynghiem

If you and he were nonrelated friends, it might be easier to understand that NO friend who is real would allow another friend to get in trouble with alcohol or pot; any TRUE friend would watch out for you.

In this case, if you and your son have an understanding that you can never be friends this way, but he will always see you as Mom interfering or micromanaging. and just ACCEPT there is going to be that unequal dynamic going on, by nature of your being his mother.

If he can understand and accept that, then maybe you can take the next step after that, and talk about what ARE you going to do since you have this imbalanced relation going on? That you will ALWAYS worry about his health, and worry if his friends are true or just for convenience.

Last and most important:
Can he understand that his BEST friends will be the one who stand UP to him, to say what YOU would say, and risk being unpopular.
They would confront him on his BS, trying to protect him, even if they sound like they are trying too hard.

I wish every kid understood this, that your best friends are the ones who are honestly looking out for you, and would RESPECT your health, your parents, your relations and NOT take advantage for their own benefit.

This is something to be learned by experience. Sadly, it seems the hardest lessons are learned the hard way, by finding out who ISN'T our friend, after we do get led into trouble, looking back it's obvious ie hindsight is 20/20.

I hope he does learn from the right friends to appreciate your sincere concern for him, coming from the heart, and learns to recognize that same approach in his true friends.

Even when words fail, and we say the wrongs things to those we care about the most, and come across the opposite of what we intend, it is critical to understand the difference between people like you seeking to defend his best interests vs. those who "say what people WANT to hear" and go along with what is popular for convenience.

I REALLY wish all people, especially young people, knew this. But that is the process of life, to learn the difference between who is being a true friend, and who is going along for convenience.

May you both learn positive lessons and insights in all your journeys and relations in life, and grow closer over the years in understanding, appreciation and respect for each other. Take Care!

FeelingGreat

hummingbird, how is his behaviour? Is he being respectful to you and his GF? I'm so glad she refused to get the alcohol, and stood up to his bullying.

Once again I'm concerned about what's happening in your home. You put a boundary in place of no alcohol if I remember correctly. Now you have found it, are you going to ask him to leave?
What happens when his drinking escalates? Because he will go and buy it himself, you know that. I suspect you're not willing to change the locks and he knows it. Without the ability to hold to boundaries or even prevent him pressuring his GF under your roof, he's never going to respect your rules.
It's good that he's moving a long way away because it will remove the safety net from under him, which is his only chance of regulating himself.

hummingbird358

He has sent out resumes already and had some replies that they want him to reapply as it gets closer to his move. He has done a lot of research. He has been accepted to an online masters degree program as well that he plans on doing while working. He has his mapquest route planned and knows where he will stop for breaks, etc. He has done a lot of research, started saving up so he has money, and has prepared himself a budget.

He has been very respectful these last 3 months. I have seen a change. That night the gf refused to get him some and he did not act appropriately I told him that she is crazy to stay with him and that I won't go down this road again. He knows I have a bag packed ready for him to leave.

This weekend I would not have known he was drinking except for the smell on his breath. There was no slurred speech, no acting intoxicated, no yelling. Yes, this could be the start up again but I am hoping it isn't.

hummingbird358

I have also mentioned how I am repainting his room as soon as he drives off. I think he was shocked.

FeelingGreat

hummingbird, you have made great inroads and I'm sure it's been a lesson for him.

My suggestion is to face the issue of him turning 21 face on, but only as it applies to your house. Obviously once he's away you can't control him and he'll probably fall on his face a few times (I certainly did!).

Now is the time to reiterate that you won't permit drinking in the house. Actually be prepared to throw him out; you need to prove to him it's not just words. If he does drink he has chosen to leave. You really should be asking him to leave now, since you found the beer in his room.

I have to explain that As need to abstain completely from drinking. Your AS's little tantrum is no doubt related to the fact that he has alcohol in his room which is keeping him topped up and the cravings alive. Drinking a little bit leads to drinking a lot, which is why you have to ban it, but only while he's living with you.

Hawkeye13

I agree with FG--it will escalate because alcoholics can't drink "just a little" or control it.

I would let him know you know and that he'll be staying at school until he finishes.
This would be a good time for him to get used to living "on his own" while he is still nearby in a familiar space.

hummingbird358

Hawkeye, my son commutes to college 3 days a week. He has no housing there.
Someone asked about his friends.... He has no friends that he hangs with. The only person he hangs with is his girlfriend. He has a job now and it is not a good situation at all but it is a job. He is working at a food place that has workers there that were on meth and going through detox. He actually looks like a real "gem" there because he actually comes to work when scheduled and stays late when the others leave. The manager he feels was a former meth user as well. I am not afraid that he will get involved in that but I do feel they would get him alcohol at this time. In a few weeks he will be able to get it himself. I did call his therapist and left him know that he drank. I want him to know. Whether or not he listens to my messages I do not know. Maybe he hears it is me and deletes it, who knows.....

I hate this. I will be going to Alanon again. There is a meeting tomorrow night. Just feel like nothing much is accomplished. Until they read over the guidelines and the same ones run at the mouth about things that don't even pertain to the problem on hand, the meeting is over. I guess I am negative but I have been there numerous times and when the same ones start their talking you know that they will make no sense, go in circles, and waste 10 minutes of time and really didn't say anything. Then the next one starts and again.... another 10 minutes of nothing making sense....

dandylion

hummingbird....I believe that the point is that you are going to really need some support from understanding others. I know that I h ave posted about this need, before in response to your threads. You are struggling so hard to try and control this situation.....can you picture h ow hard it will be when he is completely out of your scope and you have no control at all. I fear that you might get sucked into the role of rescuer for him....and, end up having him living in your house in an even worse situation. There are so many people with 40 and 50yr. old kids l iving in their basement and the parents going "krazy" upstairs.
Not to scare y ou...but, you are going to have to be strong and have clarity of thought along this route.
I think that I remember that you husband lives in the home...? How much are you and your husband on the same page, in coping with this?
You are going to need each o ther.....a lot.

By the way, is the girlfriend going with him to California? (if you know). It sounds like she may be very co-dependent n him....and, vice versa.

The dependence/independence struggle is a very painful transition time....worse for the parents, I think. (this is a normal developmental stage for every child/parent relationship). Having his particular issues of anxiety/depression and the alcohol as a coping mechanism makes your all the more difficult, I think.
This road is just too difficult to walk alone.

Right now, his problems are "your problems" (and driving you up the wall). If you and your husband and girlfriend were to step out of the picture (as far as enabling)....then, for the first time, his problems become HIS problems. That is when he will start to really take responsibility for his own care.

I know that my words are the last thing you want to hear. I wish that I could say something easier to you. I really do.

dandylion

hummingbird358

His girlfriend is planning on moving with him but not until she graduates college so he will be alone for about 5 months. My husband doesn't say much. Feels it is okay for him to drink because that is what college kids do. Feels that as long as he is not out of control all is fine. He has always been quiet and doesn't say much. Our marriage is not good. This has put so much strain on it as does out jobs- we work together so being with someone 24/7 is not good. I hate the fact that he was not much of a "father" to my son. Never really did much with him, which I feel I mentioned before. I am not to blame him though. His father, his grandfather, his sister, his uncle were all alcoholics. His sister has stopped now due to spending a night in jail with her husband due to fighting while drunk. She also spend 72 hours in hospitalization for being drunk, etc.
My sons girlfriend did tell me that it is not definite that she will be moving. It all depends on how he is when he turns 21. She has not told him that yet. She is waiting to see.

CodeJob

Good!