advice please..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
advice please..
It's only been a few days since my boyfriend left for rehab, but I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I expected. I can't stop thinking about so many things and it's the worst because I don't have any of the answers. Does anyone have advice about what I should talk to him about when he finally is able to call me? I haven't been in this position before so I don't know how I can help him get to where he wants to be. I know what he needs to do when he returns home from rehab in 6 weeks, but I don't know how to go about it. I used to think the pain an addict's loved ones felt was it, but I've recently been told that the addict himself feels pain that's far worse. Does anyone have any advice that can help? Do I talk about his addictions when he calls or try to stay off that subject? I'm so lost.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 32
Hey Sweetpea15,
welcome! Just be there for him as best as you can and really look at yourself while you have this time. Reflect and hope that things will work out the way they should. I was where you were a month a go and believe me all things work out as they should.
Also, do research on what to expect from people who deal with addiction. This is a lifetime struggle and I just want you to prepare yourself for this. All I can say is focus on you while you have the time to focus on yourself and don't stress over this if you don't have to.. not yet anyway.
Keep us updated!
welcome! Just be there for him as best as you can and really look at yourself while you have this time. Reflect and hope that things will work out the way they should. I was where you were a month a go and believe me all things work out as they should.
Also, do research on what to expect from people who deal with addiction. This is a lifetime struggle and I just want you to prepare yourself for this. All I can say is focus on you while you have the time to focus on yourself and don't stress over this if you don't have to.. not yet anyway.
Keep us updated!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you! I will try to focus more on me and not worry and stress about him and this situation until I have a reason to. It's weird because before he left I was constantly worried about where he was, what he was doing, if he's taking money from me, etc. Now that he's gone, you would think I would be more at peace since I didn't have to worry about those things anymore. I've had insomnia since he's been gone. I just wonder how much longer I'll be like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Sweetpea,
Welcome to the forum!
From your description you have 6 weeks to start your recovery - BF has his 6 weeks and you have yours.
"Now that he's gone, you would think I would be more at peace since I didn't have to worry about those things anymore." You should be able to relax a bit - maybe this will help a little - know that as long as he stays in rehab and does not walk out, as some do, 1) he is not using, 2) he is safe, 3) he is being fed and sheltered and 4) most importantly he is surrounded by people who care about his well being.
I would suggest that you hang out here, read the stickies, learn as much as you can about his disease from whatever sources are available.
Does his rehab have a "Family Wellness Weekend" or a similar addiction educational session for the family? If they do, I highly recommend going and paying attention!
I found one person outside of my family that I could really talk to while my daughter (heroin) was in rehab and that helped immensely.
You need to start taking care of you and stop worrying about him - he will do whatever he's going to do -- which brings me to the Three "C's":
You didn't C ause it, You can't C ontrol it, and you can't C ure it.
While our daughter was in rehab, we started attending Nar-Anon meetings and they helped immeasurably. We were not alone! .....a room full of people who understood exactly what we were experiencing and could share their strength! We had found a safe place to vent, cry or just listen to others.
I would get a little strength from each meeting and feel better for a while - sometimes that strength would only last to the parking lot, but each meeting it lasted a little longer. The next week maybe until I got home, then a day, then two -- I found myself wishing the week away so I could get to the next meeting -- this forum is a great source between meetings, but I still think that nothing beats face to face.
When you talk to your addict, don't worry about what you will say - start with hello and let it roll from there. I think the nicest things which you can say to an addict in early recovery are "I'm so proud of you." and "I love you." He will probably surprise you on the topic of his addiction - frequently the addicts are very open - remember, they are talking about their addiction and their feelings every day in group and individual counseling at the rehab. Yes, there will be tears and pain for both of you.
The other thing which you must understand and accept is that he will never stay clean unless he wants it - there is nothing anyone else can do that will magically make him stay clean.
When he comes out he will have his recovery program and you should have yours - they both require ongoing work.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not a single one of us would be here." - Ann from soberrecovery.com
Welcome to the forum!
From your description you have 6 weeks to start your recovery - BF has his 6 weeks and you have yours.
"Now that he's gone, you would think I would be more at peace since I didn't have to worry about those things anymore." You should be able to relax a bit - maybe this will help a little - know that as long as he stays in rehab and does not walk out, as some do, 1) he is not using, 2) he is safe, 3) he is being fed and sheltered and 4) most importantly he is surrounded by people who care about his well being.
I would suggest that you hang out here, read the stickies, learn as much as you can about his disease from whatever sources are available.
Does his rehab have a "Family Wellness Weekend" or a similar addiction educational session for the family? If they do, I highly recommend going and paying attention!
I found one person outside of my family that I could really talk to while my daughter (heroin) was in rehab and that helped immensely.
You need to start taking care of you and stop worrying about him - he will do whatever he's going to do -- which brings me to the Three "C's":
You didn't C ause it, You can't C ontrol it, and you can't C ure it.
While our daughter was in rehab, we started attending Nar-Anon meetings and they helped immeasurably. We were not alone! .....a room full of people who understood exactly what we were experiencing and could share their strength! We had found a safe place to vent, cry or just listen to others.
I would get a little strength from each meeting and feel better for a while - sometimes that strength would only last to the parking lot, but each meeting it lasted a little longer. The next week maybe until I got home, then a day, then two -- I found myself wishing the week away so I could get to the next meeting -- this forum is a great source between meetings, but I still think that nothing beats face to face.
When you talk to your addict, don't worry about what you will say - start with hello and let it roll from there. I think the nicest things which you can say to an addict in early recovery are "I'm so proud of you." and "I love you." He will probably surprise you on the topic of his addiction - frequently the addicts are very open - remember, they are talking about their addiction and their feelings every day in group and individual counseling at the rehab. Yes, there will be tears and pain for both of you.
The other thing which you must understand and accept is that he will never stay clean unless he wants it - there is nothing anyone else can do that will magically make him stay clean.
When he comes out he will have his recovery program and you should have yours - they both require ongoing work.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not a single one of us would be here." - Ann from soberrecovery.com
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He may be raw, he may be angry, he may be depressed, he may be lost … he may be riding some pink cloud an seem great but that doesn’t tend to last that long.
From your other post he has been using a long time, and this won’t be overnight and 6 weeks while it may seem long it is more like a few seconds passing.
And you have no idea what he needs to do when he gets home. And you really aren’t supposed to know. This is his ride, his recovery if he stays some course. He has to find his way through it all. What you can know or learn anyway is what you need for you. This is your time now. He is safe and in a place that can help and teach him if he is willing. So with that in mind what can you do for you?
From your other post he has been using a long time, and this won’t be overnight and 6 weeks while it may seem long it is more like a few seconds passing.
And you have no idea what he needs to do when he gets home. And you really aren’t supposed to know. This is his ride, his recovery if he stays some course. He has to find his way through it all. What you can know or learn anyway is what you need for you. This is your time now. He is safe and in a place that can help and teach him if he is willing. So with that in mind what can you do for you?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
sweetpea, although your intentions are the best, he's going to be out in the real world when he leaves rehab. The idea is for him to learn to live with whatever gets thrown at him from day to day.
Just do what you normally do and let him raise anything that he wants to discuss. I don't know his personality but most guys don't like being crowded. On the other hand you don't have to put up with bad manners or verbal abuse. Make sure he keeps it civil.
Just do what you normally do and let him raise anything that he wants to discuss. I don't know his personality but most guys don't like being crowded. On the other hand you don't have to put up with bad manners or verbal abuse. Make sure he keeps it civil.
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