mamaof3boyz

Quick recap...my husband of 10 years relapsed twice this year, heroin. I asked him to leave to get help and he did, unwillingly. He went to intensive outpatient. He is coming up on 90 days clean. I let him back in the house reluctantly about 6 weeks ago. It's been stressful. I'm constantly monitoring him bc I'm scared for my children. I haven't found any evidence of him using which is good. I've lost so much respect for him. He is about to loose his job because he isn't putting in an effort to keep it. He is on a roller coaster ride when it comes to employment. Never being able to keep a job for longer than a year even while clean. Today, on my birthday, he tells me he wants things to be the way they use to between us. I have contemplated for weeks leaving him and today after his comment I dropped the bomb. I was upset that he would choose my birthday to discuss our relationship too. I told him I don't trust him, I'm disappointed in him because he isn't putting forth an effort in his job and he will lose it at the end of the month. I told him how disappointed I was that he drained his 401k because he's been out of work so often over the past 10 years. I told him I can't be on this ride any longer. He asked me if I was giving up and I said yes... He immediately said, "you're going to break up the family?" What about the boys?" He also said, "I'll do whatever you want me to do! Please don't do this!" I told him I can't be his "mother" anymore. I've told him so many times in the past to figure out what he can do professionally to be happy. ...so he stays with a job. I don't want to be the person to tell him how to run his life. That's just a small part of our issues.
We haven't had a family vacation ever because he hasn't stayed with a job long enough to accrue time. We can't sell our condo to buy a larger home because of his employment situation... don't get me wrong I'm happy to have a roof over our head but we are a family of 5 busting out the seams. My other issue is that I will never be able to have another child which I have always wanted a big family. I'm 43 years old and my time is running out. I'm so resentful he had to start using again...and that he is the reason we can't have another child. These are things I don't think I can get past.
He was suppose to be meeting with his sponsor for 3 weeks now but kept making excuses why he couldn't...lies basically. So of course when I told him I wanted out of the marriage...then he calls his sponsor. I feel like his only motivation to do anything is because of me. It's really sad when threats are the only way he will do the right thing.
Is this called being a "dry addict" or is he just a lazy, selfish, irresponsible person whose priorities are messed up?
I'm feeling so unsure . Am I doing the right thing by splitting the family? Will his family understand? He has already made me second guess my decision to leave. He says he is working his program, working on himself but all I see is him repeating old patterns.

borgs7

You have to do what's right for you and your children in the end. A person can only do so much and he has a long road ahead of him in recovery . This disease can take over our lives if we let it . Do something good for yourself, until you find what's best for you . Hugs to you . Glad you are here .

FeelingGreat

Hi Mama, it sounds like you've reached the end of your rope. It will take a huge personality make-over for your husband to change his ways, quite apart from the heroin use. It seems the only motivation for him consists of threats as his history of temporary recovery comes from when you've had enough.

What is the outlook for you if you do separate? Financially, child care, housing etc?Have you done your homework on your probable income, job prospects into the future?

Is there any use asking him to draw up a list of goals for the year and tick them off? They might include staying clean, keeping his job, work around the house, spending time with the children, date nights. If he slacks off at least you know he doesn't have it in him to live up to your expectations. Which is fair enough, but you know where you stand.

I can't help thinking counselling for both of you might help. Are you seeing anyone to help you clarify your thoughts?

mamaof3boyz

Yes I'm seeing a therapist. I'm also financially OK right now to do this on my own. I am.at the end of my rope. I don't want to have to manage his life by asking him to list his goals...keep job, stay sober, etc... this to me doesn't sound like a life partner...sounds more like a baby sitter...Am I being too harsh?

mamaof3boyz

Is it too much to expect he keep a job the first 90 days of sobriety? Am I asking to much? Is it too difficult for a recovering addict to keep a job? I'm confused

FeelingGreat

Hi Mama, I was thinking HE could draw up a list of his intentions, what he thinks he should achieve for himself and the family. Once glance would tell you if it holds any promise.
I agree that holding onto your job is a pretty low bar, but it would be an achievement for him, considering his past.
My suggestion was only because you sounded undecided. If you are sure you've had enough, and you have the means to leave, then are you asking for permission on the forum? The way you've reacted to my posts (quite rationally and understandably) sounds like you've already decided.

mamaof3boyz

Oh gosh I think I'm just really scared. The first time I asked him to leave it was so hard. The boys cried, I cried...it was such a different life for those 5 weeks he was gone. It was really hard emotionally. I guess part of me is searching for permission or validation to break up the marriage because maybe deep down i blame myself? I feel such a heavy burden for my boys...like it will be my fault for their pain and suffering from divorce. I don't have any family living close by which is even more difficult. His family is my only family here. It's hard for me to even look at my husband because I'm so upset and disappointed...resentful....however I'm having such a hard time letting go.

LegioVIVictrix

He immediately said, "you're going to break up the family?"

Keep one thing VERY clear to yourself. Make one thing VERY clear to your husband:

YOU aren't breaking up the family. It is already broken and HE broke it.

Sure, marriage is a two way street--it takes two...but NOTHING justifies starting or continuing such an OBVIOUSLY destructive pattern of behavior.

I decided, in my situation, that, first, I could not continue to be a parent to an adult, wasn't right for me or fair to her, frankly. We all have our own sums to resolve in this life and we all have to resolve them for ourselves. Second that the needs of the whole family outweigh the needs of one. And third, that an addict will only change when they want to, when they hit bottom, and that my leaving and taking the kids might just help make the bottom come up to meet her.

Good luck to you. What you're considering is the hardest thing, aside from having your children, that you will ever have to do. Pray, seek consensus, continue therapy, and keep the best interests of your children and yourself foremost in mind.

Mountainmanbob

It's hard for many but, some of us actually spent many years on the same job. Knowing that all of my hard work would be down the drain if fired always kept me motivated.

Yes, there were trips to the 28 day treatment centers so as to sober me up but, after those I would bust butt at work so as to try and make it up to the employer.

Mountainmanbob

FeelingGreat

Very good point Legio.

He's caused the break-up, you're just doing the leg-work, as usual. Not trying to influence you because you've got a lot to think about.

mamaof3boyz

I'm really having a hard time with this. I had a panic attack this morning. I'm at work and my mind is absent...I got out of my car without turning it off and realized I had left the car running. I've been crying all morning. Thinking about who is going to be here for me God forbid I get sick or hurt. Who will be my emergency contact? I'm alone here, no family except my husband's family. I'm really scared.

FeelingGreat

Mama nothing has to happen right this minute. You have time to plan and even change your mind if you want to. Consult with people you trust, write out lists, make financial arrangements or whatever you need to make up your mind.

hopepraylove

Mama,

I just want to send you some love and good vibes today. I will keep you in my prayers. Please try to remember you don't need to make any decisions TODAY.

Take a deep breath and find some time to yourself.

Hugs.

BlindsidedBetty

I love that your SR name is "mamaof3boyz". What an achievement. 3 boys, whew! You mother to 3 sons, work full time, keep a home, keep all the parts together and running, and oh, also "heal" your sick husband. Something's gotta give soon, Mama. May God bless you, and keep you and hold you today, Mama.

CarmenLove

This feels like manipulation to me.

Mama I know how scary this is.

As the others say you don't have to do anything immediately, however you can start thinking about what your others options are and how another life could be for you.

It helps to imagine some of the positive stuff too (and trust me there is a lot of that).

It sounds like deep down you know what you want to do, and it's fear holding you back perhaps.

Something that was poignant in me making my decision was that when I was talking to someone I trusted he said "If you choose to stay it is going to be a life of lots of suffering for you."

That pretty much sealed the decision in my head because I knew it was true in my situation.

The fear didn't go away but the desire to get out and for something better for myself eventually overrode the fear.

Sending hugs.

piove

Hi Mama
I wanted to add my two cents
I feel for you, since I am an alcoholic mother of a daughter who is in recovery and living in Delray
It sucks to be the child of an addict, children deserve a sense of safety and security, and at least one parent who is "present", not only physically, for them. It also sucks to be the spouse of an addict
As many suggested, no decision has to be made right now.
Delray may have a lot of addiction, but also has a very large sober community. There are plenty of people who are eager to help because by helping others they keep sober as well. Alanon and open AA, NA meetings may help you find the support you need and deserve

LegioVIVictrix

I decided to get to safety about two months after I had started sniffing oxy like she was.

Addicts are DANGEROUS. I am very lucky.

Truly, "there, but for the Grace of God, go I."

mamaof3boyz

Thank you! You made me smile!

mamaof3boyz

Just an update.....we haven't spoken at all about our conversation of me leaving. All of a sudden he is getting up early, exercising, actually going to work! I find it sad that the only motivation he has to be a husband, father and provider is through me calling him out on his BS. He actually told his 16 year old son (my step son) that I want a divorce. I'm so mad that he would tell his son when really nothing has been established yet. My step son asked if he could talk to me last night....we spoke and he wanted to know the truth about his father. My step son is aware his father is in recovery by the way. My step son said he had a talk with his father and told him he needs to get his sh** together then maybe I would be able to tolerate him. I'm so sad for this boy..he should not feel like he has to fix things with his Dad and our relationship. Thoughts?

ella213

I feel for you mama!! My situation is very similar to yours and I completely empathize!

Like the sudden flurry of exercise and newfound work ethic, I think your husband's comment to your stepson is manipulation. He knows you'll be forced to counter his hyperbole.. "nothing's been established yet, I didn't say the word divorce.." etc. Now YOU'RE on the defensive.

And by creating drama with your stepson, he's deflecting attention from his own behavior.

He's willing to use your kids as tools to further his own agenda, at the expense of their emotional wellbeing. That's a big checkmark in the leave-his-ass column. But I know that's soooo much easier said than done!! Hugs!!!