How much contact with the kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
How much contact with the kids?
So now I feel like I'm on the downhill side of leaving my AW. She and I split on Jan 2, rather acrimoniously, after 10 years of marriage. She is suffering from an opiate (oxycodone) addiction that began nearly four years ago. I enabled it, initially, bargained with it, condoned and tried to manage it--hell I even started using with her for a short time. However, it simply wasn't in my nature to go down that path, though sharing that bit of darkness with her gave me critical insight into addiction and how it works and, more importantly perhaps, it gave me the awareness that, to her, nothing else mattered. Not me, not our kids, not our dreams of our future. It was perfectly acceptable to her that I could become an addict just like her. Misery loves company--and I was certainly as miserable as she in the end.
Obviously, and luckily, I hadn't developed a dependency.
So she left, taking our five year old with her. I couldn't allow her to keep our daughter knowing what I knew. I filed for, and received, an emergency hearing for custody. I also filed for limited divorce. She showed up for the emergency hearing obviously high, admitted the addiction under cross, and I was granted physical custody of the kids. She was ordered to take random drug tests. She failed the first one and became noncompliant. She was ordered into treatment, but refused to go.
Moving forward, she refused to participate in the divorce proceedings. She just didn't show up. She was found to be in default and I was awarded sole physical and legal custody, and she was allowed limited supervised visitation. She has yet to visit the kids, though she called, more or less regularly for a time--recently she didn't call for a month.
I limit my contact with her, though, from time to time, there are flurries of text messages. The usual--it's my fault, I didn't appreciate her, she found someone who does, etc., ad nauseam. My responses, if I respond, are always some form of the same message to kick clean, get yourself together...
So this is where I am, now. A single father with two young children, living paycheck to paycheck after she drained the savings we were accumulating for a mortgage down payment--about 13K all told. We are rocking and rolling, though. We have a good routine, excellent day care, family support from both sides. I just started my youngest in kindergarten and she's super excited about it. We have dance classes, soccer matches, Lego Club (who knew there was a Lego Club?), and lots of new friends.
My only remaining cause for concern--and it's a big one--is how much contact I should allow between the kids and their mom. This is the reason for my post. Frankly, I am all or nothing with regard to parenting. I think that intermittent, inconsistent contact is harmful. Further, I think that allowing her to continue to call, without setting up her visitation and using it is harmful as well. I think that it allows her to maintain a minimized relationship with the children that is probably more about her than them--almost like enabling. I think that she should work towards getting clean and becoming a reliable co-parent or she should not have any contact with the kids. I am definitely willing to work with her, but she, also, needs to work on her. It isn't personal. I just want to protect the kids as much as possible. Am I wrong, here? If so, please explain. Thank you.
Obviously, and luckily, I hadn't developed a dependency.
So she left, taking our five year old with her. I couldn't allow her to keep our daughter knowing what I knew. I filed for, and received, an emergency hearing for custody. I also filed for limited divorce. She showed up for the emergency hearing obviously high, admitted the addiction under cross, and I was granted physical custody of the kids. She was ordered to take random drug tests. She failed the first one and became noncompliant. She was ordered into treatment, but refused to go.
Moving forward, she refused to participate in the divorce proceedings. She just didn't show up. She was found to be in default and I was awarded sole physical and legal custody, and she was allowed limited supervised visitation. She has yet to visit the kids, though she called, more or less regularly for a time--recently she didn't call for a month.
I limit my contact with her, though, from time to time, there are flurries of text messages. The usual--it's my fault, I didn't appreciate her, she found someone who does, etc., ad nauseam. My responses, if I respond, are always some form of the same message to kick clean, get yourself together...
So this is where I am, now. A single father with two young children, living paycheck to paycheck after she drained the savings we were accumulating for a mortgage down payment--about 13K all told. We are rocking and rolling, though. We have a good routine, excellent day care, family support from both sides. I just started my youngest in kindergarten and she's super excited about it. We have dance classes, soccer matches, Lego Club (who knew there was a Lego Club?), and lots of new friends.
My only remaining cause for concern--and it's a big one--is how much contact I should allow between the kids and their mom. This is the reason for my post. Frankly, I am all or nothing with regard to parenting. I think that intermittent, inconsistent contact is harmful. Further, I think that allowing her to continue to call, without setting up her visitation and using it is harmful as well. I think that it allows her to maintain a minimized relationship with the children that is probably more about her than them--almost like enabling. I think that she should work towards getting clean and becoming a reliable co-parent or she should not have any contact with the kids. I am definitely willing to work with her, but she, also, needs to work on her. It isn't personal. I just want to protect the kids as much as possible. Am I wrong, here? If so, please explain. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how much contact I should allow between the kids and their mom.
She was ordered into treatment, but refused to go.
Moving forward, she refused to participate in the divorce proceedings. She just didn't show up. She was found to be in default and I was awarded sole physical and legal custody, and she was allowed limited supervised visitation. She has yet to visit the kids, though she called, more or less regularly for a time--recently she didn't call for a month.
i think i'd wait until a MOM showed up. a woman who gave birth to the children and is bonded to them and wants only what is BEST for THEM...wait til THAT person shows up. don't let her talk to the kids on her whim. i presume you have a parenting plan, with certain date and times??
She was ordered into treatment, but refused to go.
Moving forward, she refused to participate in the divorce proceedings. She just didn't show up. She was found to be in default and I was awarded sole physical and legal custody, and she was allowed limited supervised visitation. She has yet to visit the kids, though she called, more or less regularly for a time--recently she didn't call for a month.
i think i'd wait until a MOM showed up. a woman who gave birth to the children and is bonded to them and wants only what is BEST for THEM...wait til THAT person shows up. don't let her talk to the kids on her whim. i presume you have a parenting plan, with certain date and times??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Thank you.
No, there's no parenting plan. That would have required her participation in the process. There is nothing obligating me to allow phone calls. She is allowed 1 hour of visitation, weekly, to be supervised by Family Services. She has to set this up, then work out a time with me.
No, there's no parenting plan. That would have required her participation in the process. There is nothing obligating me to allow phone calls. She is allowed 1 hour of visitation, weekly, to be supervised by Family Services. She has to set this up, then work out a time with me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
I think if the kids are doing fine without her and not asking where is mommy all the time or asking to talk to her I agree with Anvil, make her sit up the visitation . You sound like a wonderful father, be very proud of yourself it's a hard job.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Because I don't want my exAH to be completely destroyed, I have allowed in my petition for divorce/custody at least supervised visitation.
BUT, he has to do the following:
-call/text or otherwise phone ahead before he wants to see the baby.
-random UAs that he must pass or he gets no contact
-maintain gainful employment
-return to therapy/counseling
-vistation locations & supervisors will be chosen by ME. He has no say & nor do his parents or siblings.
I do not believe that his having contact with his son is a bad thing; on the contrary. However, that contact will be completely at my discretion, & he WILL be sober, maintain a good attitude towards me, have a cleanly physical appearance, & abide by the rules that I set in the court order. Or he gets nothing.
He is also not allowed at my son's daycare. I have had him trespassed from my apartment complex, so any visitation must occur at an agreed-upon public place, & my family & friends are aware that any interaction with him that they're not comfortable with, including if he shows up unannounced, will be reported directly to the police.
Anything less than this seems to me to be a very weak show of force, at best. I urge you to contact the local courts, the local authorities & your support network to do something similar.
There's a fine line between compassion & weakness, but there's also a fine line between a healthy boundary & mean-spiritedness.
here's the thing: your kids will eventually start to ask about their mother, whether she's around them or not. What's the point, besides trying to prove one, in cutting off contact with her altogether?
BUT, he has to do the following:
-call/text or otherwise phone ahead before he wants to see the baby.
-random UAs that he must pass or he gets no contact
-maintain gainful employment
-return to therapy/counseling
-vistation locations & supervisors will be chosen by ME. He has no say & nor do his parents or siblings.
I do not believe that his having contact with his son is a bad thing; on the contrary. However, that contact will be completely at my discretion, & he WILL be sober, maintain a good attitude towards me, have a cleanly physical appearance, & abide by the rules that I set in the court order. Or he gets nothing.
He is also not allowed at my son's daycare. I have had him trespassed from my apartment complex, so any visitation must occur at an agreed-upon public place, & my family & friends are aware that any interaction with him that they're not comfortable with, including if he shows up unannounced, will be reported directly to the police.
Anything less than this seems to me to be a very weak show of force, at best. I urge you to contact the local courts, the local authorities & your support network to do something similar.
There's a fine line between compassion & weakness, but there's also a fine line between a healthy boundary & mean-spiritedness.
here's the thing: your kids will eventually start to ask about their mother, whether she's around them or not. What's the point, besides trying to prove one, in cutting off contact with her altogether?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Because I don't want my exAH to be completely destroyed, I have allowed in my petition for divorce/custody at least supervised visitation.
BUT, he has to do the following:
-call/text or otherwise phone ahead before he wants to see the baby.
-random UAs that he must pass or he gets no contact
-maintain gainful employment
-return to therapy/counseling
-vistation locations & supervisors will be chosen by ME. He has no say & nor do his parents or siblings.
I do not believe that his having contact with his son is a bad thing; on the contrary. However, that contact will be completely at my discretion, & he WILL be sober, maintain a good attitude towards me, have a cleanly physical appearance, & abide by the rules that I set in the court order. Or he gets nothing.
He is also not allowed at my son's daycare. I have had him trespassed from my apartment complex, so any visitation must occur at an agreed-upon public place, & my family & friends are aware that any interaction with him that they're not comfortable with, including if he shows up unannounced, will be reported directly to the police.
Anything less than this seems to me to be a very weak show of force, at best. I urge you to contact the local courts, the local authorities & your support network to do something similar.
There's a fine line between compassion & weakness, but there's also a fine line between a healthy boundary & mean-spiritedness.
here's the thing: your kids will eventually start to ask about their mother, whether she's around them or not. What's the point, besides trying to prove one, in cutting off contact with her altogether?
BUT, he has to do the following:
-call/text or otherwise phone ahead before he wants to see the baby.
-random UAs that he must pass or he gets no contact
-maintain gainful employment
-return to therapy/counseling
-vistation locations & supervisors will be chosen by ME. He has no say & nor do his parents or siblings.
I do not believe that his having contact with his son is a bad thing; on the contrary. However, that contact will be completely at my discretion, & he WILL be sober, maintain a good attitude towards me, have a cleanly physical appearance, & abide by the rules that I set in the court order. Or he gets nothing.
He is also not allowed at my son's daycare. I have had him trespassed from my apartment complex, so any visitation must occur at an agreed-upon public place, & my family & friends are aware that any interaction with him that they're not comfortable with, including if he shows up unannounced, will be reported directly to the police.
Anything less than this seems to me to be a very weak show of force, at best. I urge you to contact the local courts, the local authorities & your support network to do something similar.
There's a fine line between compassion & weakness, but there's also a fine line between a healthy boundary & mean-spiritedness.
here's the thing: your kids will eventually start to ask about their mother, whether she's around them or not. What's the point, besides trying to prove one, in cutting off contact with her altogether?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Maybe I should have been a little more forthcoming, because mean spirited is the furthest thing from where I'm at.
I am a rescuer, by nature. I wouldn't call myself codependent, but 10 years ago when I rescued a gorgeous lady from a pretty bad place in life, became involved with her, and conceived a baby boy, we did what we thought was right and we got married. It wasn't in either of our plans, but we agreed that we were better moving forward together--all three of us. We didn't know each other well, but we complimented each other well.
I learned a great deal about my wife--and most of it was truly heart breaking. I learned how people get broken, and how hard it is to fix. I stood by her through things that would make a saint walk away shaking their head. I rescued her more times than any husband should have to rescue a wife from herself. I knew what made her tick, and I knew how to help. She called me her rock.
The difference here is that this addiction got it's hooks into me. It was too easy, at the end of a long fight to get her to kick, to follow her down. Too easy to believe her when she said, after a time, that I needed it. That I would get sick, and I couldn't get sick. I couldn't be sick at work.
I can't rescue her. Where there was one addict, there would be two. Where there was one stable parent, there would be none.
I don't want to hear her voice on a phone. I don't want to answer the kids' questions. I don't want to hear where she is, or how she is. I just want her to go away. She's made a choice, now leave us to heal.
I am a rescuer, by nature. I wouldn't call myself codependent, but 10 years ago when I rescued a gorgeous lady from a pretty bad place in life, became involved with her, and conceived a baby boy, we did what we thought was right and we got married. It wasn't in either of our plans, but we agreed that we were better moving forward together--all three of us. We didn't know each other well, but we complimented each other well.
I learned a great deal about my wife--and most of it was truly heart breaking. I learned how people get broken, and how hard it is to fix. I stood by her through things that would make a saint walk away shaking their head. I rescued her more times than any husband should have to rescue a wife from herself. I knew what made her tick, and I knew how to help. She called me her rock.
The difference here is that this addiction got it's hooks into me. It was too easy, at the end of a long fight to get her to kick, to follow her down. Too easy to believe her when she said, after a time, that I needed it. That I would get sick, and I couldn't get sick. I couldn't be sick at work.
I can't rescue her. Where there was one addict, there would be two. Where there was one stable parent, there would be none.
I don't want to hear her voice on a phone. I don't want to answer the kids' questions. I don't want to hear where she is, or how she is. I just want her to go away. She's made a choice, now leave us to heal.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Rescuing is as addictive as opiates..........we get just as sick.
She wasn't a wife, a GF, I had no ties to her at all (Thank God!).
All I had to do is change my phone # and she ceased to exist to me
in operational terms.
Even as a distant but long term acquaintance it was very
difficult to turn away. I'd like to think I was strong
enough to turn away from a wife in such freefall.
But the truth is in this area I remain untested------but I am in absolute AWE of the people (like YOU!) navigating on the front lines of a battlefield.
You are a TRUE hero to your kids-----this gives you hourly what no opiate can ever give you.....self respect.
She wasn't a wife, a GF, I had no ties to her at all (Thank God!).
All I had to do is change my phone # and she ceased to exist to me
in operational terms.
Even as a distant but long term acquaintance it was very
difficult to turn away. I'd like to think I was strong
enough to turn away from a wife in such freefall.
But the truth is in this area I remain untested------but I am in absolute AWE of the people (like YOU!) navigating on the front lines of a battlefield.
You are a TRUE hero to your kids-----this gives you hourly what no opiate can ever give you.....self respect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I agree with your desire that she disappear. She isn't capable of doing simple things to work out visitation, getting help, going to court, etc - then why would anyone want her to be responsible for a child ?
Some broken people fight back and raise themselves up to become stronger and something better than what was handed to them or thru tragedy. And others kind of get stuck being broken and it's easier to dull the pain. I truly think we are all broken in one way or another. Rest with your decision and stop listening to everyone else. If you know that she's not fit to be in their lives - then trust that. Keep having a great time with your children. They deserve it.
Some broken people fight back and raise themselves up to become stronger and something better than what was handed to them or thru tragedy. And others kind of get stuck being broken and it's easier to dull the pain. I truly think we are all broken in one way or another. Rest with your decision and stop listening to everyone else. If you know that she's not fit to be in their lives - then trust that. Keep having a great time with your children. They deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think your question was a valid one. I think it was asked for the sake of your children’s best interest.
Something I learned in al-anon a long time ago……..take what you want and leave the rest!! same applies here.
I give you mounds of credit for taking on the role of single and sole parent, it’s not easy but it sounds like you are doing a great job for your children.
One of the best things I did for my children when I divorced was take them to a child therapist to discuss the divorce and their feelings. Children always tend to blame themselves and they may never speak that but keep it all bottled up inside.
Maybe the school can guide you in finding someone who specializes in child therapy. In our school district there is a counselor and it’s free because it’s through the school system.
I think in the best interest of your children right now is to NOT allow them contact with her. Somewhere down the road – years from now if she gets her life together and becomes drug free for a long period of time and shows an interest in getting to know them she will have to go through children’s services and follow what the divorce decree states.
Something I learned in al-anon a long time ago……..take what you want and leave the rest!! same applies here.
I give you mounds of credit for taking on the role of single and sole parent, it’s not easy but it sounds like you are doing a great job for your children.
One of the best things I did for my children when I divorced was take them to a child therapist to discuss the divorce and their feelings. Children always tend to blame themselves and they may never speak that but keep it all bottled up inside.
Maybe the school can guide you in finding someone who specializes in child therapy. In our school district there is a counselor and it’s free because it’s through the school system.
I think in the best interest of your children right now is to NOT allow them contact with her. Somewhere down the road – years from now if she gets her life together and becomes drug free for a long period of time and shows an interest in getting to know them she will have to go through children’s services and follow what the divorce decree states.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with what atalose has said above.
I don't think you have to make a decision that is set in stone forever. Addiction is progressive, which means that she may get a lot worse, and you and your children don't need a front seat to that. Maybe she will have an epiphany and get better. Should that happen, you could reevaluate at that time.
Your children are lucky to have a great dad!!!!
I don't think you have to make a decision that is set in stone forever. Addiction is progressive, which means that she may get a lot worse, and you and your children don't need a front seat to that. Maybe she will have an epiphany and get better. Should that happen, you could reevaluate at that time.
Your children are lucky to have a great dad!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I know where you are coming from, and hope you can embrace the "take what you like and leave the rest" philosophy that is practiced here. You may have misinterpreted the question--often we family members of addicts don't realize we actually have the "right" answers, we just don't trust ourselves enough to act on them...I think that may be the spirit of what mnh1982 was getting at: You are clearly a good parent and have your children's best interest in mind, so you know what to do.
I think time will reveal more about what your ex's role is as a parent and her relationship with her children. As long as you keep good boundaries and do as much as you are already doing to meet their needs, who their mother is will become more and more clear as time passes and her actions settle in to their experiences of her.
That she has the "disease of addiction" may be an important way to explain erratic and dismissive behavior on her part. That she is their mother is something you cannot erase--better to engender compassion with boundaries, love without judgement. They will figure it out sooner than you might imagine.
I think time will reveal more about what your ex's role is as a parent and her relationship with her children. As long as you keep good boundaries and do as much as you are already doing to meet their needs, who their mother is will become more and more clear as time passes and her actions settle in to their experiences of her.
That she has the "disease of addiction" may be an important way to explain erratic and dismissive behavior on her part. That she is their mother is something you cannot erase--better to engender compassion with boundaries, love without judgement. They will figure it out sooner than you might imagine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
One thing to keep in mind is that children, especially younger children, still think that life revolves around them, and that is appropriate for their stage of emotional development. The tricky part is that then they may, without expressing it, think that it is their fault that mama only calls sometimes, and if only they were better, kinder, prettier, happier, put your word of choice here, mama would be here.
In the circumstances you've outlined, I see every reason for you to cut out random contact when it occurs to their mother to remember that she has children. If and when she wants to be a responsible parent, the Court has set up a way for her to proceed.
You don't have to try in any way to "fill in for her" or keep a non-existent relationship between her and her children going, for pretend sake. Shakespeare said "true compassion is ruthless", and the truth is that they don't have anything beyond a biological mother.
The truth is that children are worthy, and are entitled to feel self confident and happy, and that may mean telling them the truth that their mother has a disease that keeps her from being a real mama. It is a hard lesson, but a freeing one for them to be able to accept that they can be worthy even if their mother isn't, and that they are not to blame for her behavior, and they cannot change it.
ShootingStar1
In the circumstances you've outlined, I see every reason for you to cut out random contact when it occurs to their mother to remember that she has children. If and when she wants to be a responsible parent, the Court has set up a way for her to proceed.
You don't have to try in any way to "fill in for her" or keep a non-existent relationship between her and her children going, for pretend sake. Shakespeare said "true compassion is ruthless", and the truth is that they don't have anything beyond a biological mother.
The truth is that children are worthy, and are entitled to feel self confident and happy, and that may mean telling them the truth that their mother has a disease that keeps her from being a real mama. It is a hard lesson, but a freeing one for them to be able to accept that they can be worthy even if their mother isn't, and that they are not to blame for her behavior, and they cannot change it.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I'm going through the exact same thing. I have been going through it for 4.5 years. My x has disappeared, reappeared...yadda yadda. Through it all I have done a great job protecting my child as much as I can.
First, I have set VERY strong boundaries with my x. So much so that our lives are separate. He is not welcome in my home. We are amicable ( unless he is using and erradic). We meet at a park. Supervised. Always.
Secondly, I handle him with kindness. I know it isn't worth my breath or time to explain how I feel or how wrong he is. I tell my son to accept what he can give, and cherish those moments.
This all happened when my son was 3. I am very open an honest with addiction ( always child appropriate) and never bash his father. I always say, no matter what he loves you. We started to see a therapist. This really helps. My goal is to make him feel safe and loved.
I have set the same day and time for visits. For my sanity. I can't stand chaos. And he must confirm an hour before the visit or there is no visit.
Legally, ( I just saw my lawyer) I must give him 2 hours visits a week. I never speak of visits with my son, until I have confirmation they will happen. As my son gets older, this has become more difficult, but I try. I try to protect him from the disappointment.
I can always tell when my x is using because he becomes difficult to deal with. We had an issue just recently, and I thought I've had it. I wanted to take away all his rights. I went to go see my lawyer ( a very expensive/ respected attorney) and found out I can't. The courts are very reluctant to take away all rights from the parents. He suggested having a professional (200$ an hour) sit in during visitation time. He suggested having him agree to drug court. This means he would have to take a random urine test before visits. I think this is ridiculous because my x knows that he can drink a drink and pass the test. I told him that I would want a blood, hair or nail test...which ever he couldn't get out of. But basically, I have to deal with him for the next 11 years. Although, if he disappears again, I might go to the court and seek his rights be taken away for abandonment. Still hard. My friend is a foster parent to a girl (14). He mom is an addict and a prostitute. This is her 3 time in jail, and she just got out. Of course, she wants her kids back...and the courts are allowing her to try. She has to do a bunch of stuff to prove herself. It seems insane that the courts wants the parents to be with their kids, but there is a bond between parent and child that is uncanny. It blows my mind. I feel for these kids.
I have raised my son by myself 24/7. I am always there for him. I educate him. I am there for him. He is my life. I would do anything for him. Unfortunately, I realized after this visit with the lawyer I just gotta keep on truckn'. I have learned to not react in anger. I have learned to focus on us, and our happiness. I have learned to just be nice no matter what. It ain't easy.
Also, people can get really judgy about this topic. Especially if they have never dealt with an addict before. I have a friend who lets people walk all over her, has a husband around 24/7 and is basically treated like a princess. Her father just passed and she has been really pissy at me lately. I think she feels I should just let my child be with his father. She doesn't understand the ramifications. I'm dealing with enough emotional distress after protecting him as much as I can. Anyways, you know what is best for your kids. Unfortunately, I know what is best, but I still have to follow the law. But 2 hours a week and not hearing from him otherwise isn't too bad.
Hang in there. Be there for your kids. Focus on them and you. Stay strong!
First, I have set VERY strong boundaries with my x. So much so that our lives are separate. He is not welcome in my home. We are amicable ( unless he is using and erradic). We meet at a park. Supervised. Always.
Secondly, I handle him with kindness. I know it isn't worth my breath or time to explain how I feel or how wrong he is. I tell my son to accept what he can give, and cherish those moments.
This all happened when my son was 3. I am very open an honest with addiction ( always child appropriate) and never bash his father. I always say, no matter what he loves you. We started to see a therapist. This really helps. My goal is to make him feel safe and loved.
I have set the same day and time for visits. For my sanity. I can't stand chaos. And he must confirm an hour before the visit or there is no visit.
Legally, ( I just saw my lawyer) I must give him 2 hours visits a week. I never speak of visits with my son, until I have confirmation they will happen. As my son gets older, this has become more difficult, but I try. I try to protect him from the disappointment.
I can always tell when my x is using because he becomes difficult to deal with. We had an issue just recently, and I thought I've had it. I wanted to take away all his rights. I went to go see my lawyer ( a very expensive/ respected attorney) and found out I can't. The courts are very reluctant to take away all rights from the parents. He suggested having a professional (200$ an hour) sit in during visitation time. He suggested having him agree to drug court. This means he would have to take a random urine test before visits. I think this is ridiculous because my x knows that he can drink a drink and pass the test. I told him that I would want a blood, hair or nail test...which ever he couldn't get out of. But basically, I have to deal with him for the next 11 years. Although, if he disappears again, I might go to the court and seek his rights be taken away for abandonment. Still hard. My friend is a foster parent to a girl (14). He mom is an addict and a prostitute. This is her 3 time in jail, and she just got out. Of course, she wants her kids back...and the courts are allowing her to try. She has to do a bunch of stuff to prove herself. It seems insane that the courts wants the parents to be with their kids, but there is a bond between parent and child that is uncanny. It blows my mind. I feel for these kids.
I have raised my son by myself 24/7. I am always there for him. I educate him. I am there for him. He is my life. I would do anything for him. Unfortunately, I realized after this visit with the lawyer I just gotta keep on truckn'. I have learned to not react in anger. I have learned to focus on us, and our happiness. I have learned to just be nice no matter what. It ain't easy.
Also, people can get really judgy about this topic. Especially if they have never dealt with an addict before. I have a friend who lets people walk all over her, has a husband around 24/7 and is basically treated like a princess. Her father just passed and she has been really pissy at me lately. I think she feels I should just let my child be with his father. She doesn't understand the ramifications. I'm dealing with enough emotional distress after protecting him as much as I can. Anyways, you know what is best for your kids. Unfortunately, I know what is best, but I still have to follow the law. But 2 hours a week and not hearing from him otherwise isn't too bad.
Hang in there. Be there for your kids. Focus on them and you. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I think MNH1982 may have meant that she felt that you already had a good handle on it.
It's difficult with printed word but most everyone here has been thru all of the what ifs and managed life with an addict. Though I know it's difficult at times given all of the craziness. Your words seem to reflect that you have done a lot of the 'work' already and we are happy that you are here to share with everyone.
It's difficult with printed word but most everyone here has been thru all of the what ifs and managed life with an addict. Though I know it's difficult at times given all of the craziness. Your words seem to reflect that you have done a lot of the 'work' already and we are happy that you are here to share with everyone.
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