mary5alive

hey all, I'm in serious need of some insight.

Basically I've been a heavy drinker since I had my first drink at 18 years old. I'm now 24 and drink almost every day.
I've lost contact with most of my friends due to growing apart, and life. I work 40+ hours a week, go back to my place, and then get hammered. Wake up, go to work, and then do it all over again and again.
It has gotten to the point where even if I drink a few IPA's, I wake up the next day throwing up bile about 5 times or so. My memory is absolute crap and I'm lucky if I know what day it is.
I feel really isolated and pretty much have no one. I come from an alcoholic home and know I have a lot of issues because of what I endured growing up. However, I feel like I don't have a problem at the same time because I go to work everyday and no one suspects a thing.

I want to get help but a part of me tells myself I'm fine and am overthinking. :/

entropy1964

Hi Mary5. Welcome.

It is great that you are so young and questioning your drinking. I too come from an alcoholic, dysfunctional family and spent many years sorting that out. Lots of anger when I was your age...that I turned inward in the form of insecurity and fear. I think I always knew I drank differently and that I was playing Russian roulette because of my genetic history. But that didn't stop me. I don't think I hit the stage you are at until about 33, but then my pregnancy interrupted my drinking and I quit for several years. But by 38 there was no denying I was an alcoholic and thus began my journey to stop...and stay that way. I am 50 now.

You are young. Your body can handle, sort of, the onslaught of poison. But that ability will diminish. Alcohol abuse is particularly hard on women because we lack an enzyme (as I understand it) to process it and it enters our bloodstreams very quickly. It increases our risk for breast cancer significantly. It ages our skin and hair....I'm a bit vain so sometimes it helps me to think about this. Alcoholism only gets worse over time if not treated...like heart disease or diabetes. If you think its not working now, just wait. The stomach issues are not a good sign. Alcohol abuse causes esophogial damage which can increase cancer in that area too. Damaging the stomach lining can lead to bleeding.

Stick around. Read lots of posts. I hope you will consider a life of abstinence and recovery. Btw, I worked in high tech for 14 years. I retired at VP level and I don't think anyone knew my secret....although I don't think I was really a full blown alchie until after I retired. The job kept me accountable.

doggonecarl

You came to SR the very first time with denial about having a problem. Here you are, still thinking you don't have a problem.

^^^This is a problem. I don't know what more to tell you.

Oh, wait, I do know what to tell you...It will get worse if you don't stop drinking.

mary5alive

[QUOTE=doggonecarl;5556234]You came to SR the very first time with denial about having a problem. Here you are, still thinking you don't have a problem.


thanks. I know i'm an idiot. I have been in denial for years. I have drank myself stupid always blaming my problems on other things/people. I take full responsibility for my actions and am still baffled as to why I am on both sides of this fence.
I just don't understand why I am still in denial. I drink myself stupid until I am sick yet still don't think there is a problem.

It is a never ending cycle. I want to get help but at the same time still think I am fine.

entropy1964

It doesn't sound like you're in denial. It just sounds like you want to drink without consequences. Maybe you're just not ready?

courage2

I think you have all the insight you need already right there.

It doesn't sound like drinking is making you happy now. Have you tried to stop?

mary5alive

I don't think I understand what you mean. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and have let endless people down. I want to quit but struggle so hard with it. I feel like you are judging me.
This has been something I have never been able to get over.As they say, with age comes wisdom. I know I drink too much. I have made excuses too long and now want help. I now know what I do is inexcusable. I am so lonely and keep resorting to drinking. I am addicted to the high I get from it. I just don't know why a part of me is still in denial. I feel like I need insight from others, not judgement.

Cleopatra4

No judgment here! I think what people mean is it doesn't sound like you are in denial because you said you know you have a problem. The "I'm fine" that you're telling yourself is actually your av talking. It wants you to keep drinking. Very sneaky and evil

Have you tried to quit in the past? Even just for one day? I have to focus on one day at a time.

2muchpain

With that amount of drinking and the problems your having because of it, I would strongly recommend a stay in a detox facility or a treatment center, where you will monitored and to make you as safe as possible during your withdrawals, which you will have. People do quit on their own, but that's pretty risky. A lot of people balk at the idea of actually going someplace to get help, but it is definitely the smartest thing a person could do. At the very least, talk to your doctor.
IMO, it's also very hard to give up alcohol without putting something else in its place. That's where making a plan on finding some healthy things to do to replace drinking becomes very important.
But first, what is your plan to get sober? Look at the choices you have then follow through (that's the tough part). Sitting at home and dealing with it alone is the worst possible choice anybody could make, and the most dangerous. Are you willing to make the very difficult decision to talk to your doctor or go into a detox or treatment center? Hope you do. You'll never regret it. John

thomas11

Hi Mary, I went back and read some of your posts. Sounds like you had a rough childhood, and you were exposed to the negative effects of drinking (your dad) growing up. I can understand you straddling the fence on quitting drinking because you are young and that's what people do. But you have concerns because you are here. There is a saying around here "there is no problem that drinking will make even worse", and its true. Maybe treatment is your best option if you can't stop on your own. As the years go by, it will get worse, your health will suffer, and you will likely start to get panic attacks and crazy thoughts. So, since you are ahead of the curve because of your age, I think you are very smart to consider quitting, and quitting for good if you can. I wish you the best.

Sinderos

I started drinking when I was 36. I'm 40 now and my life was just like yours is now. I went home from work, drank until I passed out, got up, went to work and repeat. Yes, you have a serious problem and if you don't get help or quit now you are in for a long hard road. Only you can change your path.

Best of luck to you. Please quit drinking now before you do serious damage to your health.

Upwardspiral

Mary you're not an idiot for not wanting to believe you have a problem. No one wants to be an alcoholic. It's hard to accept and it took a few years between me first being able to say yes, "I clearly have a problem with drinking", to accepting that this is a problem with MY LIFE and is only getting worse. Yeah, I made it into work, but I was miserable. Eventually you'll stop making it into work on time, then maybe you'll call in sick once in a while, and it will go down hill from there.
It also took mourning the unchangeable fact that, like it or not, I cannot drink, and I have to learn to live without alcohol before I can move forward and live a full life.
Hope you stick around, there's lots of support here.

Delfin

You're not an idiot! You have a problem that keeps dragging you back and doesn't want to let you go. I have the same problem, and so does everyone else here. Believe me, I too drank myself stupid and still managed to tell myself that it wasn't really a problem. When I think about how much I was able to delude myself despite the obvious evidence before me, it boggles my mind! Even now I still sometimes think that maybe my problem wasn't so bad. Then I have to remind myself that yes, it was!! It's like this weird argument going on inside my mind, and I have to keep bashing my AV to get it to shut up.

Maybe you can write down all the bad drinking moments you've had and everything you've lost because of it. Then read it to yourself when your AV tries to convince you that you don't really have a problem. That's how I started out. Then I called my day 1, made my plan and I was off. Anyway, just sharing my experience in case it helps.

Btw, might a recommend a doctor's visit? Throwing up bile after only drinking a few beers doesn't sound good...

Don't lose hope, Mary. You can do this.

Hugs,

Delfin

tursiops999

Hi Mary -- the denial is something we've all struggled with -- it's part of the disease of alcoholism. I still had a job when I quit drinking, and I hadn't had very many obvious outside consequences -- not many officially "bad" things had happened for me, yet. So it was easy for me to be in denial, and I still occasionally have denial, even after one year sober.

The way I see it, there's a part of my heart/mind that wants to be healthy and wants to live, and that part knows I have a problem, and is willing to ask others for help. Then there's the addicted part of my mind, which tries to tell me I'm fine, not an alcoholic -- I'm learning to tell that part to just be quiet, I'm not listening to you anymore.

Good for you for looking at your drinking at a young age -- you'll save yourself years of suffering if you choose to quit. You don't have to drink.

entropy1964

Hi there Mary
I'm so sorry my words come across as judgemental. I did not mean them in that way at all. I've relapsed many times and know very well how hard this is. You sound like you know what you need to do. Quitting drinking is simple, but not easy. I hope you find the strength to stop long enough to realize some of the benefits.

Again I'm sorry if my words hurt your feelings

Nowsthetime

Hello and welcome!!!

I don't think Fricka was judging. It's just part of the process. For example I knew I had a problem, I KNEW, but it still took me years to choose sobriety, YEARS for it to click. First part is recognizing it, surrendering and then doing the work. As said before. It's simple but not easy.

Read a lot and post. I hear a lot of AV in your post. This place has made a huge difference for me. I hope it does the same for you.

Elizabeth333

I continued to drink, even after losing a wonderful job (showed up drunk), losing my license. Not being able to see my grandchildren is what finally threw me against the wall and I stopped drinking completely. Please stop now. I'm new in recovery - but I simply love the feeling of hope and light when I wake up in the morning.

Soberwolf

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Dee74

How are you going Mary?

D