jada1981

AH relapsed a couple weeks ago after 45 days sober. He had stopped going to meetings. After his relapse, we both started back going to meetings. However, along with alcohol, he has always smoked marijuana and even during his "recovery" he still smokes daily. He says it's not a big deal because it doesn't have the same effect on him as alcohol. For me, anytime he is under the influence of anything, it brings back those same feelings of loneliness and anxiety. This has been an ongoing issue and my feeling is that he's not really sober if he's still using marijuana.

I finally decided that I just cannot be around him if he is going to continue smoking marijuana (for my own sanity/peace of mind.) I told him that last night. This morning, he told me he's going to quit, but just not right away. Okaaay...heard this one before. So, I told him if he's not able to stop smoking, that's fine, but he needs to move out. So, then he starts looking for apartments and leaves to go to the gym and supposedly look at apartments. The funny thing is, after we had this discussion this morning, before he left, he was acting like he was in a great mood, whistling, joking around with the kids, etc. So strange. Not that it matters, but pretty sure it was all an act.

I said to him, so, essentially, you're choosing marijuana over your family? And he said no, he's just choosing to get away from me.

So, who knows what will happen. I know that I am finally enforcing my boundaries and while I haven' t the slightest idea how a separation would work with the kids, etc., I do know that I have some peace when I am not worrying about him drinking/smoking, being moody, etc. Yes, I do want to work it out if he would be willing to really get clean, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to do it. Thanks for reading.

HHTexas

Hugs! Sounds like you set and enforced your boundary. Kudos 🎉😁. I have no specific advice but when i feel panicked at the thought of him leaving, I remember it's hard to ditch an alcoholic. there's a passage in "getting them sober" by Toby rice drews on this.

LexieCat

I know you're a lawyer, but do you know how separation would affect your rights and obligations? I'm a lawyer, too, but even though my first husband and I were in agreement on all the issues, I still got legal advice from someone qualified to advise me on divorce issues. At the very least, you need to make provisions for custody/visitation and child support. Are you concerned about his being drunk/high when he has the kids? You may need to consider supervised visitation.

I think his sunny mood is because he doesn't think you're serious about it. I'd suggest getting busy and doing some research and preparation if you're planning to separate.

jada1981

LexieCat, no, I haven't sought out legal advice yet, but yes, I need to. Honestly, separation/divorce has been brought up many times between us, but has always ended up the same way...with us right back on the alcoholic/codependent cycle.

Oh, something I forgot to add...this all came about because I had taken 4yo son to a birthday party yesterday and when we got home, I know AH had been smoking. He ended up leaving because I said I didn't want to be around him and went to a meeting. When he got home, I told went to enforce the boundary and he mentioned how he felt so good after his AA meeting, but now he felt hopeless again. I said, "you feel hopeless at the thought of quitting smoking marijuana?" How sad/pathetic is that? And he doesn't have a "problem" with marijuana. Um, ok.

NYCDoglvr

You can't be high and sober at the same time. A big hug.

jada1981

I agree. And I have read too many things about it just becoming a gateway drug. I've already endured too many years of insanity and pain to wait for this to turn into another addiction or relapse.

AH came home a bit ago. He had stopped at the store and gotten a few groceries. Seriously, guys, he's acting soooo cheerful. Way more than his normal self. He told me most apartment places are closed today, but he did stop by one place that was pretty nice. He then took the kids to the park.

I can't help but feel like he's trying to make me feel bad...like he's so happy about this. (His usual manipulation.) We've talked about this before and he's told me that he won't lose his family to drinking/marijuana. I guess that's changed? I think he's waiting for me to give in...but I'm not going to do it. I'm going to an al-anon meeting this evening and sadly, I don't really have anyone to turn to. None of my family members know about his issues or that he started going to AA. I'm praying for serenity!

Missus

It certainly sounds like he's trying to get under your skin by "killing you with kindness" - "look how happy I am that you're doing this! This is going to make you feel so bad!" I would be wary of a backlash when this ploy doesn't work the way he is (probably) hoping

jada1981

Last night he cooked dinner and I went to a meeting. When I got back, he asked how the meeting was and we mostly exchanged small talk. I didn't have the energy to ask him what he was thinking. We went to sleep and I actually slept pretty good, considering the situation (I guess that's a sign of progress!) I know he had trouble sleeping because I could feel him tossing and turning and then this morning, he didn't get up to get ready for work. I got up, got the kids ready and dropped them off at daycare.

On the way to daycare, he texts me "I love you!" He told me he was working from home today. I texted asking if he was going to look at more apartments today and just texts "No." So, I really have no idea what's going on.

After my al-anon meeting last night, I was reading a few threads on here about living alone and thinking more about what it would be like if I didn't live with him, and honestly, I am starting to become more used to the idea. It's been so long since I was on my own (12 years), I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore and have ONLY lived as an adult having to deal with his disease as an albatross around my neck. I think I am finally coming to grips with the whole "I can't control" his disease and I really don't know if I have the energy to deal with his recovery anymore. Thanks for reading again!

Refiner

Awwww so sorry he's playing the good ole just sweep it under the rug trick. I don't blame you for gearing up to live without him in the house. Soooo exhausting to be around.

Trish42

Ah yes, the ole "Let's forget she ever said those things and act normally, maybe she will forget them too" move.

My husband does the same thing.

Hawkeye13

So you need to sit down and set a deadline for him to be out or he just won't get around to it.

Sorry you are going through this, but living with addiction can be soul-draining.
It's no wonder you actually feel a bit better at the thought of not dealing with it daily.

Geewhizz

I am with you on this. Same sort of time scale and recent relapse, thanks for posting, my AH has been AWOL for a few days and I felt a boundary fall into place for me that I didn't want him just turning up at the house when he decides he is ready to interact with us again. I texted him words to this effect. Next thing I have a message saying he needs to get one sober day under his belt and would like to come back tomorrow! I have calmly and kindly refused saying I am not ready for this. It is an empowering feeling when a boundary simply comes into being, there is a sense of it being just right for you.
I may not know exactly what I want tomorrow but I know what I don't want today, stay strong.

BellaBlue

jada1981,

Been through this. I cannot stress enough how important it is to spell everything out legally - custody, visitation, etc. I did this, but the thing my lawyer did not address was XAH driving kids around when drinking. I wanted to bring all this into the custody arrangements, but at that time (1988) he felt bringing that in would open up a whole big can of worms that would involve testimony from my young children - something he felt best avoided for their sake. I wish I had done it anyway because just like with the marriage, he could not be trusted to do what was right when he had the kids.

hopeful4

He is trying to show you what you want to see in the hopes you won't move forward. It's manipulation.....

I'm sorry. Many hugs.

ps....when I kicked my XAH out, I felt that a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. I love living w/just me and my kids!!!

gonzo51511

So just curious. . Ive been reading all your posts and is there anything an alcoholic can ever do to make things right? Im just curious cuz i read what your saying and with any change it seems its manipulation? ? I am a recovering alcoholic and me and my girlfriend are currently broken up but she seems to still want to stay in touch somewhat. I am 100% committed to recovery with AA and working the steps with my sponsor. I hope one day we can be together someday but is there ever any forgiveness and chances of a fresh start?? Thanks for any feedback

LexieCat

There isn't anything an ACTIVE alcoholic can do to "make things right." Jada's husband has continuously smoked pot during his brief stint of not drinking. He hasn't been sober and he isn't sober. So yeah, when he's making all nice with her after she tells him she's leaving him, there isn't anything to back it up--why should she believe anything he says?

ACTIONS speak a whole lot louder than the empty promises we've all heard over and over again. If someone has let you down over and over again, you'd be foolish to take the next promise seriously.

I know you want your g/f back. First things first. IF you put your money where your mouth is, and actually DO the work, then maybe she will at some point be willing to revisit the relationship. What we have been trying to tell you, gonzo, is that if you try to "fix" the relationship right now you are setting both of you up for a fall. Because with the next falling out, you might be sitting with a drink in your hand because you're hurt. And frankly, despite your good intentions, a lot of people don't stay sober without a slip. Let her down again, and you're hurting her after she's put her trust in you again.

I can't say whether there's hope for your relationship with this woman or not. Every person is different, every relationship is different. Get sober and you will have a chance to find out. Drink, and you're pretty much guaranteed not to have her take you back, PLUS you are dooming yourself to more misery as a drunk.

First things first. I know you've heard that and seen it. Get recovered before you go getting yourself involved in the relationship.

gonzo51511

Ok.. thank u lexi..

BellaBlue

gonzo51511,

It really is about actions. Certainly there are second chances and there is abundant forgiveness when someone is really serious about recovery. Attending meetings, really and honestly working the steps, not just talking about doing it. Talk is cheap.