The little things
The little things
Tonight my boyfriend and I decided to go out to dinner. I've not been avoiding dinners out necessarily, but have stuck to places where I generally did not have wine, like a pizzeria. Tonight we decided to go to one of our favorite spots which serves the best steaks in the world. Normally we would have a bottle of red wine. I was a bit anxious but not so much that I felt I couldn't handle it. I had some juice before leaving and knew I had him for support and my youngest son with me (the oldest is with the grandparents tonight) who is a huge motivator for me.
Initially I had a slight "moment" when I eyed the glasses of red wine surrounding me. I decided to order a delicious bread and tomato soup, a traditional Tuscan dish for this time of year and sautéd spinach as a second course and skip the steak. Although I knew I wouldn't drink I didn't want to face the steak without the wine just yet.
I watched as the table across from me poured the rest of their bottle of wine amongst the four of them and noticed the levels in the glass were less than a full glass. At that moment I felt so thankful to not be drinking. I remembered that amount of wine in my glass after passing the bottle around and all the torture that it brought. "oh god, the bottle is done, will we order another? Should I be the one to suggest it? no, I don't want to be the one suggesting more wine, what if they are fine with what they have, what will they think? But how will I make it through the rest of the meal with less than a glass? maybe someone else will order more. I wonder if they have wine by the glass? but that is worse if I am the only one. surely they will finish their wine before they finish their meals too and want more. surely they will. but what if they don't?" and on and on and on….. Never being able to enjoy my meal- or for god's sake even the wine! because I was worried about where more would come from!
Not tonight. A wave of relief rolled over me seeing that, remembering the torture and taking joy in the fact that I didn't have to worry about that tonight. I was able to enjoy my food, my son and my boyfriend and freely order additional bottles of water as I pleased.
Initially I had a slight "moment" when I eyed the glasses of red wine surrounding me. I decided to order a delicious bread and tomato soup, a traditional Tuscan dish for this time of year and sautéd spinach as a second course and skip the steak. Although I knew I wouldn't drink I didn't want to face the steak without the wine just yet.
I watched as the table across from me poured the rest of their bottle of wine amongst the four of them and noticed the levels in the glass were less than a full glass. At that moment I felt so thankful to not be drinking. I remembered that amount of wine in my glass after passing the bottle around and all the torture that it brought. "oh god, the bottle is done, will we order another? Should I be the one to suggest it? no, I don't want to be the one suggesting more wine, what if they are fine with what they have, what will they think? But how will I make it through the rest of the meal with less than a glass? maybe someone else will order more. I wonder if they have wine by the glass? but that is worse if I am the only one. surely they will finish their wine before they finish their meals too and want more. surely they will. but what if they don't?" and on and on and on….. Never being able to enjoy my meal- or for god's sake even the wine! because I was worried about where more would come from!
Not tonight. A wave of relief rolled over me seeing that, remembering the torture and taking joy in the fact that I didn't have to worry about that tonight. I was able to enjoy my food, my son and my boyfriend and freely order additional bottles of water as I pleased.
Mera, I loved your post. I can relate so well to the wine thing. I was the only one at the table obsessed with getting enough to see me through. Everyone else was fine with their one or two little glasses.
The first few times I went out after quitting, I was a little resentful of others who could have their drinks. Sorry for myself I guess. In my heart I knew I didn't drink like the others - that it would never be enough. I grew to love my new freedom. I'm so glad you had a good time & made it through.
The first few times I went out after quitting, I was a little resentful of others who could have their drinks. Sorry for myself I guess. In my heart I knew I didn't drink like the others - that it would never be enough. I grew to love my new freedom. I'm so glad you had a good time & made it through.
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The obsession is truly amazing huh? The amount of emotional energy it takes to think about drinking when under its spell....talk about never being in the moment. I used to watch my father play the wine bottle game. It drove me crazy. He'd stare at it...inch it closer to him, argue with my Mom over who's had more, or less or whatever. Exhausting.
Continually so proud of you, my friend.
Just reading about your obsessive thoughts took me back. There were times I even excused myself to the "bathroom" and went to the bar to slam a glass of "whatever." That was especially my M.O. at sporting events & concerts. Good lord am I ever relieved to be free of alcohol's obsessive grip it had on me.
Keep up the incredible work!!
Xoxo
Just reading about your obsessive thoughts took me back. There were times I even excused myself to the "bathroom" and went to the bar to slam a glass of "whatever." That was especially my M.O. at sporting events & concerts. Good lord am I ever relieved to be free of alcohol's obsessive grip it had on me.
Keep up the incredible work!!
Xoxo
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