He is still controlling everything
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
He is still controlling everything
I've been separated from my stbxah for 9 months and we are definitely getting a divorce. After 13 years of dealing with his lies, abuse, and cheating I'm so ready to move on. We both moved to different states after separting and before filing for divorce. I don't meet the minimum residency requirements in my new state yet. He could have filed in his state and swore he did. Meanwhile about a month ago he annoounced on Facebook he met someone new and he this new woman constantly post how in love they are. After less than a month of dating this woman announced she, along with her two little kids, are moving three states away with my husband who has gotten a new job. I talked to him yesterday and admitted he never filed the papers and wasn't in that big of a hurry to do so. And now that he is moving again he will have to wait another 6 months in this new state to file. I still can't file in my state for 4 more months. Ugh. This so frustrating. I don't believe in dating while still married so I'm stuck being alone. Meanwhile he is taking this woman and her kids along with him to start a new life that no doubt will be a disaster. I feel like he is still controlling my life and I just want this to end.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I am sorry this is happening. Something very similar is happening to me. Only I do not live in the U.S.
My ex and I separated over a year ago but have only been living in separate homes for 9 months. We have a separation agreement in place and thankfully he has been paying monthly support. However getting the rest of the money matters settled has been a long drawn out process. I finally got my equity equalization payment from the value in the marital home ( that he still resides in) 3 weeks ago but it took a very long time, I still need to see my half of the retirement savings as well but he is dragging his feet on that. Getting the vehicles sorted out took 3 or 4 months from the time I left. It seems like he can only think about one thing at a time as we divide up 26yrs of being together...and it takes him months to do that. So frustrating..and I believe also controlling.
That brings me to yesterday. I contacted him about moving things forward about the divorce and the retirement fund. He said, "I will look into the retirement stuff next week when I'm home and see what we need to do there to have it split up. As for a divorce, if you want a divorce you figure it out I'm not paying for that. I went through hell trying to keep my house and I'm not dealing with that!"
WTF?! "If *I* want a divorce" ?!
He went online and found himself a woman of extremely loose morals mere weeks after we broke up and while we were still living in the same house together no less. (That was devastating)
I now have someone new in my life who is like a breath of fresh air. He was also married 20+ years to an alcoholic so we are very much on the same page about what kind of behaviors are acceptable and which aren't in a relationship. Loving and enjoying the direction this is headed.
I explained to my XAH that of course I want a divorce. We knew that was in the cards when we split up. My leaving was not a trial, it was the real deal. We both have other people in our lives now, our children are grown and we would never be getting back together so divorce is what we need to do. Again he said he doesn't care about getting divorced he cares about the cost and he isn't paying for it.
I'm at a loss here. I want this over and done with. I don't have a lot of money. My payout for my share of the equity in the house was not exactly substantial and really only gives me a bit of a cushion so I'm not living in fear while I scrimp by paycheck to paycheck.
I don't know what my next step will be. I don't know what my options are. I've looked online about how to proceed with an uncontested divorce and it is all very overwhelming to me. I don't want what little money(security) I have being gobbled up by lawyers.
So frustrated!!!
So as you can see, I totally understand and sympathize with what you are going through newme2013
My ex and I separated over a year ago but have only been living in separate homes for 9 months. We have a separation agreement in place and thankfully he has been paying monthly support. However getting the rest of the money matters settled has been a long drawn out process. I finally got my equity equalization payment from the value in the marital home ( that he still resides in) 3 weeks ago but it took a very long time, I still need to see my half of the retirement savings as well but he is dragging his feet on that. Getting the vehicles sorted out took 3 or 4 months from the time I left. It seems like he can only think about one thing at a time as we divide up 26yrs of being together...and it takes him months to do that. So frustrating..and I believe also controlling.
That brings me to yesterday. I contacted him about moving things forward about the divorce and the retirement fund. He said, "I will look into the retirement stuff next week when I'm home and see what we need to do there to have it split up. As for a divorce, if you want a divorce you figure it out I'm not paying for that. I went through hell trying to keep my house and I'm not dealing with that!"
WTF?! "If *I* want a divorce" ?!
He went online and found himself a woman of extremely loose morals mere weeks after we broke up and while we were still living in the same house together no less. (That was devastating)
I now have someone new in my life who is like a breath of fresh air. He was also married 20+ years to an alcoholic so we are very much on the same page about what kind of behaviors are acceptable and which aren't in a relationship. Loving and enjoying the direction this is headed.
I explained to my XAH that of course I want a divorce. We knew that was in the cards when we split up. My leaving was not a trial, it was the real deal. We both have other people in our lives now, our children are grown and we would never be getting back together so divorce is what we need to do. Again he said he doesn't care about getting divorced he cares about the cost and he isn't paying for it.
I'm at a loss here. I want this over and done with. I don't have a lot of money. My payout for my share of the equity in the house was not exactly substantial and really only gives me a bit of a cushion so I'm not living in fear while I scrimp by paycheck to paycheck.
I don't know what my next step will be. I don't know what my options are. I've looked online about how to proceed with an uncontested divorce and it is all very overwhelming to me. I don't want what little money(security) I have being gobbled up by lawyers.
So frustrated!!!
So as you can see, I totally understand and sympathize with what you are going through newme2013
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, check on your options for filing in your home state. That might or might not be possible.
In the meantime, if you want to date, date. It's not like you're IN a marriage anymore, and your ex is moving in with someone. It's not cheating if you're waiting for the waiting period to expire--ESPECIALLY when he's moved on.
OTOH, don't feel the need to rush into a new relationship. That kind of behavior led to a lot of bad outcomes for me.
In the meantime, if you want to date, date. It's not like you're IN a marriage anymore, and your ex is moving in with someone. It's not cheating if you're waiting for the waiting period to expire--ESPECIALLY when he's moved on.
OTOH, don't feel the need to rush into a new relationship. That kind of behavior led to a lot of bad outcomes for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NM- I have someone in my office who's brother in law just died in a head on collision. He had been "separated" from his wife for 3 years, living apart. Because he is dead, she is next kin she gets control over everything. His family is not happy about this at all. Do you really want your separated X to take control of "your" stuff in case anything happens to you. I would do what ever possible to end it as quickly as possible.
When I was seeing a therapist and said my X wanted to"separate" instead of divorce, she said "what for". If he can't get his shxt together today, he will not in a year from now. So I never did and I am grateful that I got the divorce. (he's not though, keeps mentioning that we should have just separated)
Hugs my friend, keep listening to suggestions and educate yourself on what you can do.
When I was seeing a therapist and said my X wanted to"separate" instead of divorce, she said "what for". If he can't get his shxt together today, he will not in a year from now. So I never did and I am grateful that I got the divorce. (he's not though, keeps mentioning that we should have just separated)
Hugs my friend, keep listening to suggestions and educate yourself on what you can do.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi newme, you might be reading too much into the control thing. It's likely to be the usual A slackness. If all you're thinking about is the next drink, then you don't worry about much else.
You have 4 months to tidy up any loose ends before you file.
You have 4 months to tidy up any loose ends before you file.
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