Secretdrinker

I cant. For my kids. I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone, my kid gets enough grief as it is because we are relatively poor when her friends live in huge houses with boats out the back.
I am a bad mum. I have been an alcoholic for the last 11 years. I have no problem admitting that to myself and my ex husband. I drink 1 to 2 bottles of wine a night and have done for all those years.
It has cost me my marriage and is costing me my childrens childhoods. It's affecting how I now parent. It's a struggle getting up in the morning with a hangover.Im angry and not nice to be around. I pray for bedtime to come from the minute I wake so I can put my youngest to bed and start drinking. My 2 year old says mummy 'goes the shop to get wine'. My eldest asks me to stop because she knows its not good for me.

I have had so many 'wake up calls'....one of them being when my 11 year old told me 'I don't want to be like you, I think when I'm older, I want to be healthy and just drink water'.......I cried so much in secret.

It doesnt seem to help. The cravings take over.


EVERY SINGLE DAY I wake up promising myself I'm not going to have any tonight, i am going to do this for my kids, but it gets to 2pmish and the excuses start, and I know them when I hear them. 'Its Saturday, everyone drinks on saturday, or Friday'...........Or I have had such a freakin hard day, once life gets easier, I'll start then'......or 'okay, i'll have this one tonight but none tomorrow'....all the while knowing im lying to myself.


My kids eat crap food sometimes just so I have enough money for my wine. I'm behind on all my bills because I spend over $150 a week on wine.



I need to stop but I dont know how. I need so much help. I cant do this. I hate myself. This isnt who I want to be. I dont want to live anymore. I feel so guilty and so ashamed.

I CANNOT go to AA meetings around here because if people find out, my kid will be picked on even more than she is so please dont advise that>>





Is there a way of doing this alone??

ReadyAtLast

Welcome to SR

I'm a mother too and know how guilty you feel. I used to be the same and not want anyone to know. I didn't even think that people probably already knew. When I took my son to baby clubs and toddler groups I must have reeked of alcohol no matter how much perfume I wore or how often I cleaned my teeth

There are many ways of getting help - AA isn't the only one. I use AVRT/Rational Recovery. If you google it you'll get an idea of it.

Most people do need some support though this doesn't have to be face to face. AA is online and there are other resources online.

SR is a great place too- i'd recommend you join the September class where people stopping are at the same stage as you. Read and post frequently and you'll see you really aren't alone

Secretdrinker

Is that the thread below this one? "lets share weekender September 11th'?

IOAA2

Hi and welcome.
First let me say from experience: isolating and doing things alone is usually unsuccessful and miserable.
Experience working among many alcoholics we need to be honest with ourselves about our drinking and accept we cannot drink one day at a time in a row in safety.

Many of us had a fear of AA for various reasons forgetting it has helped millions be sober over the years. We have fear that others will know we have a problem with alcohol. The secrete is many already know! Many with those big houses have the same problem and worse.

The big thing to remember is we get sober for OUR SELF FIRST. If we don’t often our fears will happen.

BE WELL

RDBplus3

... most people knew I had a drinking 'problem' more than I suspected ... I like what was posted above by Ready at Last and IOAA2.

I was scared to death to go to AA, and it be known in public that I was an 'Alcoholic' ... most people already knew, and my fear only hid that fact from ME ... The principle of anonymity in AA is solid and secure ... and I suggest you bring it up at your first meeting. Or, look up AA in your area on the internet. There will be a way to call and speak to someone, and have them visit you ... in COMPLETE confidence. You OWE this to your kid and YOURSELF ... and I KNOW from my experience, you WILL BECOME the Mother your child will be proud to know.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... after years of trying to hide my drinking in fear ... making the contact with AA, and doing the WORK of the AA program, is why I am now ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW you WILL B 2.

Ps - pray about it ... God, I need you to direct me on a path of restoration to you, and I don't know what to do, are you really there God?

Wholesome

No it's the class of September one. And yes come join us! I am a mother too. I get the guilt and the promises every morning that get broken every evening. I also understand the shame and secrecy. It's not easy but it is doable. There are lots of people on this site who are living proof.

On The Road

Welcome secret drinker. I agree with IOAA2. You've got to stop drinking for yourself. When you do so, it means that you have a personal reason to get sober and then your children (and the world) will all benefit from that.

Best advice I got early on was to do everything in my power to go to bed sober TONIGHT (repeat each day). If you're like me I'd drink because it was Friday night or Saturday night, or i was happy or sad, or it was raining or sunny, or the sky was blue or grey. I drank because I'm an alcoholic. The only way to break the horrible cycle of anxiety and addition is to STOP doing it.

It's not easy. But with a little help and a desire to change, you can start living a life so much better than what you are right now.

I wish you well on your journey.

ccam1973

Welcome Secretdrinker. You've found a community that will support without judging. We all have our addiction and demons we are battling. The good thing is you can get your life back on track. it is not going to be easy, but it is definitely achievable.

I spent 21 years drinking every day, and drinking very hard every day. I too wanted something more for my kids than to have a dad that was always drinking or drunk every day. My every waking moment revolved around my next drink.

You will find many similar stories as yours here in this community. I didn't think it was possible to quit either. Heck, I didn't know anything other than drinking for years, I didn't think I would be able to function without booze. it turns out that I was completely wrong. Life is so much better without alcohol. Trust me on that.

But you've got to make a plan and make a change. You've got to do what ever it takes to not drink today. It's that simple... if you don't drink today, you can tackle tomorrow with a clear head. Focus minute by minute if you have to on not drinking and if your AV; voice in your head that convinces you to drink; pops up do anything to avoid negotiating with it... go for a walk, read a book, go shopping, do something with your kids, anything to let the craving pass.

The early days are tough and take a ton of will power and resolve. You can do it though. I haven't had a drink now for over 419 days.

You can do it. Lean on SR as much as you can. Spend some time here and learn to navigate through this community for support.

We are here to help each other make a better path in life. This place has been my only support group that has gotten me back to where I want to be.

Lean on us, we will be there for you.

Welcome!

Dee74

Hi secretdrinker

there's no need to take out full page ads or anything but I think you have to break cover a little to reacxh out for help and get better, even if it's only at a place like this to start with

the Class of September support thread is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-20.html

D

Sasha4

I have done it alone and will have 4 years in Feb 2016.
I have a child too.
No-one outside here knows.
It can be done.

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome. There are many mothers and fathers here who relate to your struggle. I know I sure do. I managed to take care of my two while drinking, but just barely. Now that I am not drinking not only am I taking better care of them, more present and patient, but our relationship is improving drastically every single day. It can be done.
I had the same thoughts as you. There is an outpatient rehab center where I live and those closest to me who I opened up to about my problem told me it would be horrible if anyone ever found out I went there and encouraged me not to go. They said the same about AA. So I didn't go. And I kept on drinking. Finally I had had enough and realized I was risking much, much more by not going so I went. I am now sober. I don't think it is a coincidence.
You can also go to your doctor and ask about resources and possibly even medications to help with cravings to get you through the first months.
I can't be completely certain as I don't know you personally, but I would suspect that people already know anyway. An alcoholic usually has some telltale signs- bloated, red face, carrying extra weight, red, tired eyes, smells like alcohol (even if you don't notice the smell, others do) moody, snappy, hungover.
I would imagine that you would get a lot more respect for seeking out help than continuing to drink. The only people who will see you in AA will be people who share your problem- and your concern that this problem stay as private as possible. If you are worried about being seen going into a meeting (one of my concerns) the only people who follow the schedules and locations of AA meetings are fellow alcoholics. I seriously doubt your neighbors have the times and locations of meetings memorized and go hang out in the parking lot to see who is going in. If doing this alone hasn't worked for you so far, considering outside help might be worth it. As Sasha said, it is possible to do alone, but don't keep falling flat on your face longer than you have to. I sure wish I had taken advantage of the numerous sources of support sooner.
Keep reading and posting here, it is one thing that you are doing differently this time and SR is a great place of support and understanding.
I'll be thinking of you all day today, I really wish you a calm day of reflection and the strength to not pick up the first glass of wine.
One thing you could do today, alone, in the privacy of your own home, is dump out all alcohol you have. I had to remove all alcohol from my house and I feel much safer for it.

melki

Secretdrinker, the only way you can keep your drinking problem from becoming common knowledge in your town is to stop now. That's truly the only way. Stop now, declare today day 1 and go from there. You can do it. It is possible to do by yourself, relying on this forum and doing everything it takes not to pick up that first drink.

You can read my first post on the forum. I am also a mother and I was desperate to find the way out of this mad shameful cycle. With the help of this forum alone, I am now over a year sober, being the mom my children deserve and being the person I was meant to be before this addiction got a hold of me.

Welcome to the forum. Read a lot and post a lot. We have support threads for the weekends and a 24-hour support thread and a Class of September thread, all good places to join and start posting daily. You are welcome to post me in a private message if you need additional support.

You can do it. Start now.

Ruby2

Hi secretdrinker. I'm glad you joined us.

You sound like me. Rushing two kids to bed at night so I can drink by myself, snarling at them in day because I felt awful. Broken promises to quit, every night.

You can stop. For me it began to end when I landed in detox and inpatient treatment. Best thing I've done for myself. It broke the cycle.

You may not have to do that but strong support is something I found necessary.

You've gotten some great suggestions here. I hope we can help. Stay sober just for tonight and see how it goes.

aasharon90

I had to keep my own sick moms illness
a secret for all my childhood and into my
adulthood. To keep the verbal, physical,
emotional secret that was inflicted on
me from relatives, from folks in our home
town, from all those I went to school
with, anyone I came into contact with
was extremely tolling on me.

Too keep that kind of secret to conceal
and protect her own reputation was
sick sick sick. However, I did but it didn't
help because her illness continued to
beat me down for years.

Her illness affected me for yrs which
became my own demon found in poison.
Alcohol. Other bad behaviors until 25 yrs
ago when I entered recovery myself.

I was a mom, wife, trying to control my
drinking and not follow in my own moms
sick behaviors. Thank God I didn't abuse
my babies. But the fear of my illness weighed
heavy on my mind, heart and soul that it
would affect them.

When I entered rehab via a family intervention,
it was no secret. Everyone in my family circle
knew about it because while I spent 28 days
in rehab my babies, little ones were being cared
for by my in laws and husband.

When I returned home, I knew what I
needed to do to remain sober. I knew
I needed to go to any lengths to stay
sober one day at a time even if it meant
leaving my little ones with family members
to make that one hour AA meeting.

They were always happy to help me
while learning to stay sober and not
depend on alcohol to solve my everyday
problems.

I didn't keep my addiction recovery a
secret to my little ones. I was always
up fron with them as they continued
to grow and mature in life.

They even came with me to meetings
and always knew how important my
recovery was to me. It was always
important to me to pass on all that
was taught to me about addiction to
my children and its affects on not only
myself but to all those affect by it.

I wanted them to know that addiction
is serious and can be deadly. I have pictures
that were taken of the car accident I was
in prior to rehab. My car hit a concrete
culvert sitting on top the ground as I was
returning from a night club at 2 am.

Those picture would be a constant
reminder of what had happened to
me while under the influence of a
deadly serious poisonous substance
running rapid thru my veins, body,
mind, soul.

Thank God my babies have grown up
aware of addiction and reached adult
hood addiction free. What a blessing.
However, both of my babies always
knew that because I was in recovery,
if they ever had a problem with addiction
that I would be there to help them.

That they would never have to go thru
anything in life alone. I wanted and needed
to be one more voice in helping those
suffering with addiction. Its not an affliction,
but is serious, treatable illness using a
program of recovery to teach and learn
how to live life free from adding this
poisonous substance in our bodies, systems.

Today, I am one more voice in helping
others struggling with addiction and
passing on what was taught to me yrs
ago about my addiction to alcohol.

I don't want to keep quiet about it.
If no one shared their own ESH experiences,
strengths and hopes of what their life
was and is like before, during and after
addiction then how are those struggling
with it ever know and learn how to live
life one day at a time without it.

I wanted to be a voice that my children
heard to warn them about alcohol and
drug addiction that is readily available,
lurking around any corner out there in
the world, waiting to choose its next
victim showing no mercy, ready to take
them down.

Im here in SR and have been in many
recovery rooms using my voice, my text
to share with you and many others to
let them know that they are not alone
and we don't have to keep this illness,
sickness a secret.

To keep a secret like this would mean
I would remain in my illness. My own
self absorb addiction. Today, I am living
a free, healthy, happy life in recovery
and so can anyone.

Of course this is my own ESH that
works for me.

Maffers

I was the same way about being scared to go to AA meetings because the 'secret' is out. I finally agreed to go with my therapist when offered. I was blown away by the diversity of people of various different social strata suffering from the same affliction I have. Admitting to the problem and realizing how wide spread it is really was helpful, knowing I wasn't alone in this fight. Yes I struggled to make it day to day at first, and still have those urges. I just have to tell myself I just got to make it till bedtime then repeat. Also you can think about it this way $150 x 52 weeks = $7800 a year, not to mention the health and other related expenses. There are a ton of great support on this group.

Mountainmanbob

For most there is no shame in attending AA meetings if, we stay sober. Seems to bring much respect (in time) to both the one staying sober and also to the AA Program.

Doing it alone ?
Well with a good doctors help and advice and much time spent on this site -- I would think that ones odds of staying sober go up.

Ever consider church ?
You need not tell everyone there what's going on.
We are all sinners.
I have known many who sobered up in church.

MM

Soberwolf

Welcome

ReadyAtLast

Great post AASharon. I like the thought that our children know we are addicts- we can't hide it from them so they should know about our recovery too and we shouldn't be ashamed to keep it secret

Secretdrinker- your children will be proud, pleased and relieved that you are reaching out and seeking help

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

I apologize for saying some tough things to you, but it's in an effort to help you get sober.

Is there a way of doing this alone??

In my experience, no.

You've probably tried many different techniques to try to get and stay sober, and they haven't worked. I know I did over many years.

The problem with that approach, is that as an alcoholic, you are basically giving advice to yourself on how to get sober. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and way to powerful to be "cured" by that approach. In AA terms, you are trying to be your own sponsor.

I can't let anyone know I'm an alcoholic

I bet a lot of people already know. And if they don't know already, your 11 year old will tell them.

my 11 year old told me 'I don't want to be like you, I think when I'm older, I want to be healthy and just drink water

As your child enters the teen years she is going to pull away from her mother and want to identify with her peer group. That's part of an adolescent growing up to become an adult, and is pretty inevitable for all parents and their children. And if you child has to explain you or your behavior to her peers for any reason, she may "throw you under the bus" so that she can be accepted by her peer group.

This website can help you. But for me, it took this website plus the face to face support from AA to get and stay sober. When you get desperate enough, go to AA.

MIRecovery

I know one thing with certainty. Your children will be better off with a sober mother in AA than they will be with an alcoholic mother not in AA