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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Facebook
I hate to admit this, and it sounds so awful. But when I look at Facebook or even see people out about, I get very jealous that they have marriages that are healthy and loving. And that I married someone that is sick and never wanted to give me or marriage with me a chance. I feel badly for my kids not having any Dad in their life. And all of this is because of me not being healthy. I will never have a marriage the way I had wanted and my kids will never have any memories of growing up with a Dad and Mom and a normal life. I hate what I have caused my children to go through. And I feel sad and angry when I see photos or real life of people that have what we will never have.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What makes you think you can "never" have a loving marriage? There are several people on this forum who have moved on from their relationship/marriage with the alcoholic to have a loving, good relationship/marriage with someone capable of such a relationship. Your kids may never have a dependable father, but that's on him. They CAN have a loving, strong mom. Maybe some day they will have another father figure in their lives, too, but if they don't they are not doomed.
Keep focusing on YOU and good things can come for you.
Keep focusing on YOU and good things can come for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
It does not sound awful at all and I've been really struggling with this as well to the point I don't really go on there. Facebook is just a giant brag page with all of the happy family vacation trips, smoochy couples, kids on the sober dad shoulder with fat smiles.
I will say that of the few friends I am actually very close to on Facebook - there is a huge disconnect between the happy shiny pics they post and their real life happiness level. Even if alcoholism doesn't affect their life, people still have significant problems. Divorces, affairs, lies still happen even when alcohol isn't involved. Of course, there are plenty that are actually ridiculously happy and in great marriages. But you know what I'm realizing? This is all still possible. Healing yourself first, centering your life around all that is positive and BEING the good in your children's life far outweighs the negativity brought about by the addict. I'm trying to focus on seeing those happy pics as inspiration of what I'm deserving of and figuring out my own path to get there. (((HUGS)))
I will say that of the few friends I am actually very close to on Facebook - there is a huge disconnect between the happy shiny pics they post and their real life happiness level. Even if alcoholism doesn't affect their life, people still have significant problems. Divorces, affairs, lies still happen even when alcohol isn't involved. Of course, there are plenty that are actually ridiculously happy and in great marriages. But you know what I'm realizing? This is all still possible. Healing yourself first, centering your life around all that is positive and BEING the good in your children's life far outweighs the negativity brought about by the addict. I'm trying to focus on seeing those happy pics as inspiration of what I'm deserving of and figuring out my own path to get there. (((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I know that things are not as wonderful as they appear on Facebook. I know if they really were that perfect, they would have no need and no desire to be on Facebook to begin with. It's not just facebook, it is everywhere that I go. I see people having normal happy lives and marriages and I am angry that I messed that up for my kids. I was young enough after my first divorce that I could have found someone healthy and had that marriage that we both felt we should fight for, and the strong ethical man in the kids lives. But now, my children are not young anymore and neither am I. I have strong faith that is helping me get through this. I'm just sad and angry at AH, at the world that is happily married, at my mother for being sick and creating an atmosphere where I became sick, but most of all I am angry at myself!
I'm sorry, I'm just having a difficult night. Football was the one time that my AH would be home and spend time with me. And I had tickets to a concert that we were supposed to be at tonight. So, I'm just venting and seeing if there was any of you that felt these things also.
I'm sorry, I'm just having a difficult night. Football was the one time that my AH would be home and spend time with me. And I had tickets to a concert that we were supposed to be at tonight. So, I'm just venting and seeing if there was any of you that felt these things also.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So why in the world didn't you go to the concert? With a friend, or even by yourself? I've been to about 10 concerts so far this year, and I only went with a friend to one, I believe. I always wind up chatting with the people around me and it's a great way to get out of my own head for a while.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
The concert was in a town that is 1 1/2 hours away and I didn't want to leave my kids. But the main reason is I couldn't bare to go to the place we used to go together and see a concert that I bought tickets for us to go to together. He had said before I went NC, he would go with me. And I knew going NC would make it a definite not going together. But, even though I understand what is behind his treatment of me and my acceptance of treatment, etc. it is still really hard. And I just couldn't force myself to put myself through that right now. I am doing good to even get out of bed in the mornings right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
It is very difficult and be kind to yourself. I haven't gone no contact but we are separated. I'm dealing with all sorts of sadness and anger and the one thing I'm working on is forgiving myself for staying in a relationship where I wasn't valued.
I've had to push myself to do "normal" things with the kids that I would've been afraid to do before. You can't change your AH but can work on YOUR relationship with the kids. Don't waste today just because yesterday wasn't perfect!
I've had to push myself to do "normal" things with the kids that I would've been afraid to do before. You can't change your AH but can work on YOUR relationship with the kids. Don't waste today just because yesterday wasn't perfect!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I don't think Facebook was ever intended to be an all inclusive picture of someone's life. You look at my Facebook and I don't speak of my daughters death, my wife' battles with the aftermath of radiation and multiple surgeries, my battles with addiction, that my dog is on the way out.
I enjoy looking at people's success and am glad that I can celebrate the happiness with them. I garentee that there is no one on Facebook that does not have hardship in their life
I enjoy looking at people's success and am glad that I can celebrate the happiness with them. I garentee that there is no one on Facebook that does not have hardship in their life
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by searching peace 
Is it normal to go back and forth between sadness and anger?
Regret is one thing, but try not to turn it into blaming yourself. We all do what we can with the circumstances life hands us.
Are you aware of cognitive therapy, where you learn to be aware of negative thoughts, consciously examine them and re-formulate them into a rational thought? It's useful if you have a stream of horrible self-talk running through your head.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
FG has a great idea there. It's one thing to see that we played a role in some of our unhappiness and it's another to take all the blame on ourselves. You didn't cause your husband to be alcoholic, and you didn't cause him to be abusive. Recovery involves learning to see what is true (to the best of our ability to see) and correcting our own behavior, not flagellating ourselves for mistakes we've made in the past. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the things you are saying to yourself are a product of things your husband has been telling you for years.
I think some help in untangling what is yours to own from what has been done to you by someone else, and learning how to build up your own sense of self-worth and capability so you can make a better life for yourself, would be very useful.
I think some help in untangling what is yours to own from what has been done to you by someone else, and learning how to build up your own sense of self-worth and capability so you can make a better life for yourself, would be very useful.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SearchingPeace...I think it is normal or typical to experience the feelings that you are having at this stage in your journey. If you read through the thousands of other real life stories on this forum....you will see the same sentiments, that you mention, repeated over and over.
I have experienced them, myself.
Someone, on here, used to have a byline that said: There is seldom coming to reality without pain.
I believe that you are going through a natural period of grieving....grieving of lost dreams and hopes and plans. It is, indeed, very painful....But, it is also the precursor of future change. We have to grieve the past so that we can finally assign it to history--where it belongs. We have t finally accept that history cannot be changed, so that we can stop living in the past and build a better present and future.
Yes....I think your feelings are normal.
dandylion
I have experienced them, myself.
Someone, on here, used to have a byline that said: There is seldom coming to reality without pain.
I believe that you are going through a natural period of grieving....grieving of lost dreams and hopes and plans. It is, indeed, very painful....But, it is also the precursor of future change. We have to grieve the past so that we can finally assign it to history--where it belongs. We have t finally accept that history cannot be changed, so that we can stop living in the past and build a better present and future.
Yes....I think your feelings are normal.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FG- I also feel that pain of the same people with happy pix on FB. The 2 families that always post their beautiful kids and blah blah blah. One I know is sober as 20 years ago his wife told him to get his act together or he was out. The other one he was a dentist and a coke addict. About 5 years ago his wife put him in rehab so he is sober. I agree with MIR, no one knows our secret battles that we go through. I work with a girl who has a story that no one would believe. But she puts happy pix of her kids on Fb and moves along in life.
This morning mountainmanbob posted something on the alcoholism forum about a website called postsecret.com. This is people who write on a postcard their private thoughts. I went and checked it out, its pretty cool as it puts it in persepective that we are all struggling and just trying to get by day by day.
Hugs my friend, I also have "happy" pix on my fb and feel sad!!
This morning mountainmanbob posted something on the alcoholism forum about a website called postsecret.com. This is people who write on a postcard their private thoughts. I went and checked it out, its pretty cool as it puts it in persepective that we are all struggling and just trying to get by day by day.
Hugs my friend, I also have "happy" pix on my fb and feel sad!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
FB. One thing I just might jettison in 2016.
People you dont know their real names are more honest here on SR than FB.
Spend more time here! It will help your recovery much more than turning shades of green on FB.
People you dont know their real names are more honest here on SR than FB.
Spend more time here! It will help your recovery much more than turning shades of green on FB.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by dandylion
Someone, on here, used to have a byline that said: There is seldom coming to reality without pain.
I believe that you are going through a natural period of grieving....grieving of lost dreams and hopes and plans. It is, indeed, very painful....But, it is also the precursor of future change. We have to grieve the past so that we can finally assign it to history--where it belongs. We have t finally accept that history cannot be changed, so that we can stop living in the past and build a better present and future.
I believe that you are going through a natural period of grieving....grieving of lost dreams and hopes and plans. It is, indeed, very painful....But, it is also the precursor of future change. We have to grieve the past so that we can finally assign it to history--where it belongs. We have t finally accept that history cannot be changed, so that we can stop living in the past and build a better present and future.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I found I'm a lot happier when I stop comparing myself to others, but compare myself to myself. My sponsor taught me this, because it's much more relevant to measure my growth. She also said "don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." How true.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we have to get back to gratitude for what we DO have, for the gifts and the blessings that ARE there, otherwise we've told the Universe "no thanks" to any more goodness. and THAT, my dear, is a deep dark spot.
NO ONE has a perfect life. even the healthiest of relationships aren't all giddy bliss. and aren't without their rough patches. anyone with a snoring partner has dreamed of making the noise go away - with a pillow or a hatchet. no one is content ALL the time.....we all have work to do in order to have the life we want.
NO ONE has a perfect life. even the healthiest of relationships aren't all giddy bliss. and aren't without their rough patches. anyone with a snoring partner has dreamed of making the noise go away - with a pillow or a hatchet. no one is content ALL the time.....we all have work to do in order to have the life we want.
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