My intro finally after lurking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
My intro finally after lurking
I'm so thankful to have found this site. I've spent the last few weeks reading like crazy and getting this sickening realization that my absolute worst fears have been confirmed. So many stories here truly resonated within me - my responses are so similar to what many here have done in hopes that it will "cure" the addict. It is both disheartening to read but also such a huge relief. I"m both scared and empowered by what I've read here. Ok enough blabbering here is my story:
My AH and I have two wonderful kids together. 8/11. His addiction has grown very slowly but steadily over the last 11 years or so. At first I tried talking him out of it (LOL!) and reasoning with him to calm down the drinking. Of course, excuses galore - I don't have a problem, whats the big deal, eye rolls, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.
It only continued to escalate until finally one day I found him passed out on the couch after driving drunk from a golf outing. He was so wasted could not even walk or stand up when he got out of the car. He was also higher than a kite, putting his job at risk. I had recently found out he started back up smoking weed after he had been quit for many many years. At that point I had enough. He was still in denial land and I was ready to make a move. I started at that point to do some cursory research into "Substance abuse". I printed out a bunch of articles, quizzes and local substance abuse programs/treatment centers. I set up a place for him to stay with his best friend. I wrote him a long letter telling him he was no longer welcome in the home. That I took the kids for the evening and he had to pack his stuff and leave. I said I was not divorcing or separating but that he was not allowed back until he admitted he had a problem and went through some kind of treatment. Well, it shook him up and he agreed and went through it and became the model husband/father.
For a while. You all know how this story goes.
It started with a beer here and there. To full on drunkeness. To not understanding how he could be SO WASTED after 3 beers. And then finding the hidden stash of vodka bottles. Broken promises galore, he continues to get worse. He is a high functioning and brilliant - a master at everything and hailed as superman on the job. All this just feeds back into it. He knows he has a problem, but just won't quit.
THis past summer was the absolute worst. I threatened to kick him out, saw a lawyer and he begged/pleaded adn freaked out. I said FINE last chance (I mean seriously LOL at this) bucko! And he turned into super jerk within a month. Coming to bed slurring his words, lying to me, getting more and more combative and nasty bordering on verbal abuse at its worst. Well I've written a novel. I'll save the rest for later.
My AH and I have two wonderful kids together. 8/11. His addiction has grown very slowly but steadily over the last 11 years or so. At first I tried talking him out of it (LOL!) and reasoning with him to calm down the drinking. Of course, excuses galore - I don't have a problem, whats the big deal, eye rolls, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.
It only continued to escalate until finally one day I found him passed out on the couch after driving drunk from a golf outing. He was so wasted could not even walk or stand up when he got out of the car. He was also higher than a kite, putting his job at risk. I had recently found out he started back up smoking weed after he had been quit for many many years. At that point I had enough. He was still in denial land and I was ready to make a move. I started at that point to do some cursory research into "Substance abuse". I printed out a bunch of articles, quizzes and local substance abuse programs/treatment centers. I set up a place for him to stay with his best friend. I wrote him a long letter telling him he was no longer welcome in the home. That I took the kids for the evening and he had to pack his stuff and leave. I said I was not divorcing or separating but that he was not allowed back until he admitted he had a problem and went through some kind of treatment. Well, it shook him up and he agreed and went through it and became the model husband/father.
For a while. You all know how this story goes.
It started with a beer here and there. To full on drunkeness. To not understanding how he could be SO WASTED after 3 beers. And then finding the hidden stash of vodka bottles. Broken promises galore, he continues to get worse. He is a high functioning and brilliant - a master at everything and hailed as superman on the job. All this just feeds back into it. He knows he has a problem, but just won't quit.
THis past summer was the absolute worst. I threatened to kick him out, saw a lawyer and he begged/pleaded adn freaked out. I said FINE last chance (I mean seriously LOL at this) bucko! And he turned into super jerk within a month. Coming to bed slurring his words, lying to me, getting more and more combative and nasty bordering on verbal abuse at its worst. Well I've written a novel. I'll save the rest for later.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Sorry to hear all of this, but yeah--sounds familiar.
I have no real advice--I'm still living with my AH after almost 27 years of marriage and trying to figure out how much longer I can stand it. But keep reading here and sharing--it does help!
I have no real advice--I'm still living with my AH after almost 27 years of marriage and trying to figure out how much longer I can stand it. But keep reading here and sharing--it does help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like you've spent all your energy and effort trying to get him help. Have you done anything for yourself and your kids? How are they dealing with all this? It has to be stressful with the constant ups and downs of his drunken behavior. Your oldest is old enough for Alateen. Most meetings are at the same time as an Alanon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
If you are ready to follow through on your threats, see a lawyer and see what your rights are.
Ideally, you and the kids should stay in the family home and keep the status quo while he moves out.
This may "scare" him again into getting sober, or it may not.
But it sounds to me like you are done living like this--time to put the kids and yourself in front of his addiction.
Financially, you may be wanting to put some money aside in case you need it.
Getting called out on addiction can turn an addict nasty fast.
Sorry you are going through this again, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Ideally, you and the kids should stay in the family home and keep the status quo while he moves out.
This may "scare" him again into getting sober, or it may not.
But it sounds to me like you are done living like this--time to put the kids and yourself in front of his addiction.
Financially, you may be wanting to put some money aside in case you need it.
Getting called out on addiction can turn an addict nasty fast.
Sorry you are going through this again, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hawkeye has given you some wise advice. It is probably time to make "Plan B": what you need to do now to protect yourself and your children in the event you have to suddenly leave.
You especially need to make sure that you have financial assets in your own name that he cannot shut you out of. Open a credit card in your name only and get the highest credit limit that you can. Open a bank account in your name only and put as much money in there are you can, quietly, and be prepared to transfer half the assets of your checking/savings accounts on a moment's notice.
My then abusive AH shut down all our joint credit cards to me and tried to squeeze me out financially so that I would have to come home.
Make copies of all the accounts you have together, with account numbers, customer service numbers, etc. Have copies of birth certificates, mortgages, loans, all of it, safely tucked away at someone place other than your home.
The other issue is that your AH may suddenly lose that perfect job if his alcoholism starts showing at work, and you may not know and expect that to come as quickly as it could come. If you get a credit report, you can probably piece together what your whole financial situation is, and make sure that you know what all the debts are, whether he has been secretly draining accounts, and where all your assets are.
There were lots of threads about this when I was leaving my AH in July 2012/2013. It is better to be prepared than to be suddenly financially naked and without resources.
If you can work things out, great, all the better. You'll just be a bit more organized about the financial aspects of your life.
ShootingStar1
You especially need to make sure that you have financial assets in your own name that he cannot shut you out of. Open a credit card in your name only and get the highest credit limit that you can. Open a bank account in your name only and put as much money in there are you can, quietly, and be prepared to transfer half the assets of your checking/savings accounts on a moment's notice.
My then abusive AH shut down all our joint credit cards to me and tried to squeeze me out financially so that I would have to come home.
Make copies of all the accounts you have together, with account numbers, customer service numbers, etc. Have copies of birth certificates, mortgages, loans, all of it, safely tucked away at someone place other than your home.
The other issue is that your AH may suddenly lose that perfect job if his alcoholism starts showing at work, and you may not know and expect that to come as quickly as it could come. If you get a credit report, you can probably piece together what your whole financial situation is, and make sure that you know what all the debts are, whether he has been secretly draining accounts, and where all your assets are.
There were lots of threads about this when I was leaving my AH in July 2012/2013. It is better to be prepared than to be suddenly financially naked and without resources.
If you can work things out, great, all the better. You'll just be a bit more organized about the financial aspects of your life.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello and welcome to SR!
You've done well enacting some boundaries and advocating the truth about your H's addiction. But what about you?
Do you go to a counselor? I found having an objective person to unload on at least once a month quite helpful.
Do you have your own source of income? Can't tell you how many times I am grateful I kept my job. With the Great Recession, my career is actually stronger then my H's. Huh. Never anticipated that!
My concern in your situation is he doesn't sound ready to stop. Stung here recently decided to divorce. Her H just couldn't get serious about long term sobriety. But more importantly, she worked on herself and decided she deserved better. Wisconsin just moved out. Yurt planned her departure quite carefully. You can click on their names and read through their posts. My H has been sober two plus years. RedAtlanta has some very good posts too about life with her recovering partner.
HoneyPig posts daily from Language of Letting Go. It is a very good daily reader by Melody Beattie. If you like the writing, go and get a copy of Codependent No More.
Take care of you and your kids and that focus will pay off!
You've done well enacting some boundaries and advocating the truth about your H's addiction. But what about you?
Do you go to a counselor? I found having an objective person to unload on at least once a month quite helpful.
Do you have your own source of income? Can't tell you how many times I am grateful I kept my job. With the Great Recession, my career is actually stronger then my H's. Huh. Never anticipated that!
My concern in your situation is he doesn't sound ready to stop. Stung here recently decided to divorce. Her H just couldn't get serious about long term sobriety. But more importantly, she worked on herself and decided she deserved better. Wisconsin just moved out. Yurt planned her departure quite carefully. You can click on their names and read through their posts. My H has been sober two plus years. RedAtlanta has some very good posts too about life with her recovering partner.
HoneyPig posts daily from Language of Letting Go. It is a very good daily reader by Melody Beattie. If you like the writing, go and get a copy of Codependent No More.
Take care of you and your kids and that focus will pay off!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I feel like I'm in the same spot almost. Wish I could join you for a cup of coffee!! Today I scheduled a counseling appt with a man very well versed in addiction. Also planning to see a lawyer this week. I went out of town and well didn't really miss AH. Also saw all of the other loving supportive spouses at this convention I attended. Could never picture AH being that. Do I hope it works out?? Of course! But I'm tired of the pit in my stomach. And I've got to be the sane, healthy parent for my precious son. Reading Empowered Recovery stuff today. Google it 
. Lots of hugs!!
. Lots of hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 10years & having a good counsellor who specializes in addiction has helped me stay away from my ABF for 3months so far..for the first time I have said no & meant it. It is incredibly difficult but I can see no other way. From my experience of this relationship (& a previous 10yr relationship with a different addict) & from what others say here & at Al Anon you must save yourself & let the addict feel the consequences of their behaviour on their own. Stay strong (personally speaking I'm not strong but I am staying away from my ABF..unless in months to come I hear that he accepts he has a problem & does something about it..even then I'll be hesitant to return to him as so much trust has been lost).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
What your husband is doing is called white knuckling. Surprisingly, and as you may have read, many alcoholics can stop drinking like a snap of the finger. These would be those whom aren't physically addicted - yet.
White knuckling doesn't work for the long haul as you are finding out. Now you have laid a boundary THis past summer was the absolute worst. I threatened to kick him out, saw a lawyer and he begged/pleaded adn freaked out. I said FINE last chance (I mean seriously LOL at this) bucko!
So what has happened since he returned to drinking (if he ever really stopped). Have you enforced your boundary?
White knuckling doesn't work for the long haul as you are finding out. Now you have laid a boundary THis past summer was the absolute worst. I threatened to kick him out, saw a lawyer and he begged/pleaded adn freaked out. I said FINE last chance (I mean seriously LOL at this) bucko!
So what has happened since he returned to drinking (if he ever really stopped). Have you enforced your boundary?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hmmm - yep sounds all too familiar hon. I have been with my AH going on 17 years.
From my experience in Alanon and on this forum, focus on getting help for yourself and your children. Your AH will only get help when HE is ready - threats and worry will not change that.
Take care of you!!
From my experience in Alanon and on this forum, focus on getting help for yourself and your children. Your AH will only get help when HE is ready - threats and worry will not change that.
Take care of you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
Thanks so much for all heartfelt, "been there" replies.
I'm starting al-anon meetings this week. He is starting a new shift where he will not be home with us except for an hour. He will be working major overtime for the next 2 months. That gives me some breathing room.
I finally told him we are doing an in-house separation and we wrote up a contract divying up responsibilities and $ along with some rules. He is doing whatever he can to save the relationship and reel me back in. I have finally come to the conclusion that I can do NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING about his drinking. I'm totally and completely powerless. This is his journey, not mine. I'm focusing on 1) My kids, their stability, their well-being and health 2) Myself.
I told DH he can drink as much as he wants - I no longer will say a word to him about it. I told him he has total freedom now. However, there are some things I will not tolerate (And wrote this into the agreement). he is not to be around the kids or talk to the kids when he is drunk. I said we can create a nice space for him in the basement to hang out, watch tv, work on projects while he drinks. They are becoming more aware and will start realizing their dad is acting "off". THe other rule is he is not allowed to be verbally abusive to me. The last blow up we had he became verbally abusive to an extent he has never been in all 11 years we've been together. It was a strange night.
We're in the honeymoon phase right now - he is doing everything he can to try and make things better but he is still drinking albeit more slowly and while I know he is seriously buzzed, he isn't completely fall down drunk.
I do NOT expect that to stay the same given this is a progressive disease that always gets worse.
My thinking on doing it this way is this: It gives me time to prepare for whatever I may need to do based on how he goes forward (gets serious about getting better or goes deeper down the rabbit hole). I need to protect my kids first and foremost. They are NOT protected by them going with him for a weekend without me there making sure he doesn't drive them drunk somewhere or burn the damn house down (He almost has a few times already luckily I WAS THERE to stop it from happening). They are NOT protected from him if they are with him alone and he decides to get verbally abusive - instead they will bear the brunt of it.
These choices in my life SUCK. But deep down, I made the choice for him to be their father and they had zero say in it. The least I can do is blunt as much as I can for them. My life is my kids.
I'm starting al-anon meetings this week. He is starting a new shift where he will not be home with us except for an hour. He will be working major overtime for the next 2 months. That gives me some breathing room.
I finally told him we are doing an in-house separation and we wrote up a contract divying up responsibilities and $ along with some rules. He is doing whatever he can to save the relationship and reel me back in. I have finally come to the conclusion that I can do NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING about his drinking. I'm totally and completely powerless. This is his journey, not mine. I'm focusing on 1) My kids, their stability, their well-being and health 2) Myself.
I told DH he can drink as much as he wants - I no longer will say a word to him about it. I told him he has total freedom now. However, there are some things I will not tolerate (And wrote this into the agreement). he is not to be around the kids or talk to the kids when he is drunk. I said we can create a nice space for him in the basement to hang out, watch tv, work on projects while he drinks. They are becoming more aware and will start realizing their dad is acting "off". THe other rule is he is not allowed to be verbally abusive to me. The last blow up we had he became verbally abusive to an extent he has never been in all 11 years we've been together. It was a strange night.
We're in the honeymoon phase right now - he is doing everything he can to try and make things better but he is still drinking albeit more slowly and while I know he is seriously buzzed, he isn't completely fall down drunk.
I do NOT expect that to stay the same given this is a progressive disease that always gets worse.
My thinking on doing it this way is this: It gives me time to prepare for whatever I may need to do based on how he goes forward (gets serious about getting better or goes deeper down the rabbit hole). I need to protect my kids first and foremost. They are NOT protected by them going with him for a weekend without me there making sure he doesn't drive them drunk somewhere or burn the damn house down (He almost has a few times already luckily I WAS THERE to stop it from happening). They are NOT protected from him if they are with him alone and he decides to get verbally abusive - instead they will bear the brunt of it.
These choices in my life SUCK. But deep down, I made the choice for him to be their father and they had zero say in it. The least I can do is blunt as much as I can for them. My life is my kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
MP- Have you ever thought about doing things with out telling him. Setting boundaries with out telling him what they are. I see a very controlling person. Do not take it personally, but he is an adult and you treat him like a child. You do not treat people with respect and dignity when you are so controlling and treating him like he is a "bad" boy.
When you release that absolute control that you have to have on him, you load becomes a little lighter. You don't need to worry about him and your life becomes a little calmer. One of the reasons are life is so out of control is because we dont let the A's in our lives have the consequences of their actions. If he chooses to drink, let him. He is an alcoholic and they drink. He knows what the consequences are, you don't need to keep reminding him.
I know you mean well, as we all do. We all try and prevent fires. But maybe if they had a fire or two they would wisen up.
Hugs my friend, just my suggestions.
When you release that absolute control that you have to have on him, you load becomes a little lighter. You don't need to worry about him and your life becomes a little calmer. One of the reasons are life is so out of control is because we dont let the A's in our lives have the consequences of their actions. If he chooses to drink, let him. He is an alcoholic and they drink. He knows what the consequences are, you don't need to keep reminding him.
I know you mean well, as we all do. We all try and prevent fires. But maybe if they had a fire or two they would wisen up.
Hugs my friend, just my suggestions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
Maia - can you please explain how I'm being controlling? Specifically things I"m doing? I do not see it and would like help in seeing what you see.
I DO feel it is imperative to keep him away from the kids when he is drunk/slurring his words/falling down. Is this being controlling? I don't want them to witness that. I have released all control by telling him he can drink whatever/whenever he wants. His journey, not mine. I feel like it is best to tell him my boundaries (NO verbal abuse, stay away from kids while drunk) rather than just surprise them on him in the middle of a verbal outrage (That won't work although my plan is just leave).
I DO feel it is imperative to keep him away from the kids when he is drunk/slurring his words/falling down. Is this being controlling? I don't want them to witness that. I have released all control by telling him he can drink whatever/whenever he wants. His journey, not mine. I feel like it is best to tell him my boundaries (NO verbal abuse, stay away from kids while drunk) rather than just surprise them on him in the middle of a verbal outrage (That won't work although my plan is just leave).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Maia1234 I don't see her being controlling. He is allowed to drink as much as he wants boundary: no being around or talking to the kids if drunk, and no verbal abuse.
Sounds like he is taking the bottom half of the house and she the top. Not my cup of tea to live with the alcoholic and definitely no assurances he will follow the rules. For a little while he will until he gets sick of it.
Manic my advice to you is come up with Plan B yesterday. This will progress and is not a fix, just a band aid. Get your finances in order. Hopefully you AH will come to his senses and get into rehab but in case he doesn't gotta be ready.
Sounds like he is taking the bottom half of the house and she the top. Not my cup of tea to live with the alcoholic and definitely no assurances he will follow the rules. For a little while he will until he gets sick of it.
Manic my advice to you is come up with Plan B yesterday. This will progress and is not a fix, just a band aid. Get your finances in order. Hopefully you AH will come to his senses and get into rehab but in case he doesn't gotta be ready.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Yes, I will explain. Why do you need to tell him "he can drink" Does he tell you, that you can eat? I just don't get it. he is a grown man, treat him that way.
Boundaries are set for you, not him. (they are not "rules" for him) If you feel he is abusive, or drunk. You leave, you don't engage, you don't talk to him, or argue with him. By telling him the rules for him to get drunk is ridiculousness. How are you going implement your rules when he is drunk? "sorry honey, we discussed this prior, the rules to getting drunk are..., no profanity, no physical or verbal abuse. send him to the basement so the kids don't see it. In my mind this sounds crazy. This is about you.
What you can do for you. You need to educate yourself about addiction. Alcoholics have a disease. This disease makes them make bad choices, drive drunk, say things to hurt people, mentally or physically, to have affairs, get in fights, overdose, to not come home for days,weeks or months. When they are in the midst of drinking, they have no "clue" what your rules are and they could care a less. All they want to do is drink.
If you feel it is imperative to stay away from the kids, take them out of the situation. Empower yourself, you make it happen, leave. Don't explain what you are doing, or that he is braking a rule, or why you are leaving, YOU JUST LEAVE.
I am not trying to be sarcastic with you. You are here on this web site to be open minded and get help for you, not him. This is about empowering the spouse, give you other options on how to live and deal with an addict in your home. Keep an open mind and think about it.
Boundaries are set for you, not him. (they are not "rules" for him) If you feel he is abusive, or drunk. You leave, you don't engage, you don't talk to him, or argue with him. By telling him the rules for him to get drunk is ridiculousness. How are you going implement your rules when he is drunk? "sorry honey, we discussed this prior, the rules to getting drunk are..., no profanity, no physical or verbal abuse. send him to the basement so the kids don't see it. In my mind this sounds crazy. This is about you.
What you can do for you. You need to educate yourself about addiction. Alcoholics have a disease. This disease makes them make bad choices, drive drunk, say things to hurt people, mentally or physically, to have affairs, get in fights, overdose, to not come home for days,weeks or months. When they are in the midst of drinking, they have no "clue" what your rules are and they could care a less. All they want to do is drink.
If you feel it is imperative to stay away from the kids, take them out of the situation. Empower yourself, you make it happen, leave. Don't explain what you are doing, or that he is braking a rule, or why you are leaving, YOU JUST LEAVE.
I am not trying to be sarcastic with you. You are here on this web site to be open minded and get help for you, not him. This is about empowering the spouse, give you other options on how to live and deal with an addict in your home. Keep an open mind and think about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Boundaries are set for you, not him. (they are not "rules" for him) If you feel he is abusive, or drunk. You leave, you don't engage, you don't talk to him, or argue with him. By telling him the rules for him to get drunk is ridiculousness. How are you going implement your rules when he is drunk? "sorry honey, we discussed this prior, the rules to getting drunk are..., no profanity, no physical or verbal abuse. send him to the basement so the kids don't see it. In my mind this sounds crazy. This is about you.
I tried something like this with my ex. He could drink if he left everyone alone while he did it.
Well, he was drinking anyway, so me "allowing" it was just me trying to feel like I was managing an unmanageable situation. The rules I tried to make around his drinking- he needed to just sit in the basement and leave me and the kids alone, no verbal abuse, no using the stove, no bothering the pets, no attempting to make home repairs, blah blah blah- were pointless and unenforceable. This was me trying to control another person's behavior while that person was unable to control himself. It was crazymaking for both of us and ultimately untenable.
I never saw myself as being controlling. I was doing it for the best of motives- to keep my family intact and safe. I finally had to choose just keeping myself and the kids safe. But it was controlling. That's not said as an insult. I didn't know any better at the time. There is a huge learning curve in living with active alcoholism.
Glad to hear you're checking out an Alanon meeting. I hope you have a good experience there.
I tried something like this with my ex. He could drink if he left everyone alone while he did it.
Well, he was drinking anyway, so me "allowing" it was just me trying to feel like I was managing an unmanageable situation. The rules I tried to make around his drinking- he needed to just sit in the basement and leave me and the kids alone, no verbal abuse, no using the stove, no bothering the pets, no attempting to make home repairs, blah blah blah- were pointless and unenforceable. This was me trying to control another person's behavior while that person was unable to control himself. It was crazymaking for both of us and ultimately untenable.
I never saw myself as being controlling. I was doing it for the best of motives- to keep my family intact and safe. I finally had to choose just keeping myself and the kids safe. But it was controlling. That's not said as an insult. I didn't know any better at the time. There is a huge learning curve in living with active alcoholism.
Glad to hear you're checking out an Alanon meeting. I hope you have a good experience there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lady, I also did it. He wouldn't do something, I had to get it done, so I did it.
It was a sickness. I controlled my home, kids, dog, work, dishwasher, friends, family. Everyone!!! It was so sick. Once I realized I was SO out of control and gave that respect back to everyone, my life turned around.
(I was so sick that no one was allowed to put dishes in the dishwasher because it wouldn't have been done "my" way, in other words the correct way. I finally realized that and sent my whole family an apology email, that they could use the dish washer anyway they wanted. Yuck!!!)
It was a sickness. I controlled my home, kids, dog, work, dishwasher, friends, family. Everyone!!! It was so sick. Once I realized I was SO out of control and gave that respect back to everyone, my life turned around.
(I was so sick that no one was allowed to put dishes in the dishwasher because it wouldn't have been done "my" way, in other words the correct way. I finally realized that and sent my whole family an apology email, that they could use the dish washer anyway they wanted. Yuck!!!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
Maia - I think you may have misunderstood the "rules" that him and I sat down and came up with together regarding the separation of us as a couple. This had zero to do with his drinking and EVERYTHING to do with how we are going to manage our household. The "rules" apply to us both equally - things like "No bringing opposite sex members into the house for sexual relations" and "Here is how much we are allowed to spend out of the budget on food, personal, etc.".
My boundaries for his drinking are very very simple: No verbal abuse and no being around the kids when he is drunk. And yes, they are for me and I've already said that I will take the kids and leave.
My original (failed) plan of telling him he needs to enter a treatment program or else you are leaving was not successful. Thus, when we decided to do the in house separation I said I no longer care if you drink/drink all you want. I don't feel that is controlling. Maybe stupid I don't make him leave this very instant but like I said I'm preparing for the worst right now.
My boundaries for his drinking are very very simple: No verbal abuse and no being around the kids when he is drunk. And yes, they are for me and I've already said that I will take the kids and leave.
My original (failed) plan of telling him he needs to enter a treatment program or else you are leaving was not successful. Thus, when we decided to do the in house separation I said I no longer care if you drink/drink all you want. I don't feel that is controlling. Maybe stupid I don't make him leave this very instant but like I said I'm preparing for the worst right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
And I also don't think that originally "caring how much you drink" or asking him to cut it down is controlling when I was under the false impression he actually had control over his drinking. I could see how it was destroying our relationship and our family and felt like if I could get him to cut it down we could get back to where we were. It wasn't until I did loads of research that i discovered he doesn't have control over it and neither do I. I cannot make him quit only he can. I've been extremely vocal about my understanding of this concept. In fact it has been the most freeing feeling I've experienced in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
MP, I fully understand your reluctance to move out and then have to send your kids with your AH without your supervision. That's what stopped me when my kids were younger.
I kind of have the same setup with my AH as you're proposing. If he drinks, I've told him we will NOT have the long, philosophical discussions he seems to always want to have. If he tries to discuss something, I say, "we'll talk tomorrow when you sober up." Sometimes he grumbles a bit, but I just ignore him and it works ok, for the most part.
I'm re-doing a bedroom that I can escape to when I need more distance. No--not a perfect way to live, but I'm not willing to divorce right now. I've gotten to the point where my detachment seems to work for most situations--in fact--the last few arguments we've had have been while he wasn't drinking! So--is it the booze or his personality? More will be revealed.
Good luck.
I kind of have the same setup with my AH as you're proposing. If he drinks, I've told him we will NOT have the long, philosophical discussions he seems to always want to have. If he tries to discuss something, I say, "we'll talk tomorrow when you sober up." Sometimes he grumbles a bit, but I just ignore him and it works ok, for the most part.
I'm re-doing a bedroom that I can escape to when I need more distance. No--not a perfect way to live, but I'm not willing to divorce right now. I've gotten to the point where my detachment seems to work for most situations--in fact--the last few arguments we've had have been while he wasn't drinking! So--is it the booze or his personality? More will be revealed.
Good luck.
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