Someone took MY life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
Someone took MY life!
Well it's 1:30 am and I seem to now have a different life than I had 24 hours ago. It started with finding the vodka bottle. He said he would go to a treatment facility today. Talked to him on the phone and he told me that the one place wouldn't take him (the hospital program) because we had no insurance and that to do an evaluation at the sliding scale place he had to have payroll stubs and $80.00????? Anyways, in the mean time he still hasn't come home. My door bell rings and it is the sheriff's office. I'm convinced at this point he is dead or in a lot of trouble. She needs to deliver papers directly to him. They are protection orders. Apparently the girl he was having trouble with at work filed for a no contact order. It goes on to say that he was drunk and threatened her or her car-I'm not sure. This is not a man I know. It also says that he was let go of his job for alcohol comsumption. I felt like someone took my life and gave me this one, all within a couple of seconds. I called my mom (off the golf course!) to come and take my two boys (8 and 4) so I could talk to my husband when he came home. I told him that I knew what happened at work and told him about the sheriff. I asked him if I was able to find someplace now that he could go for help would he be willing to go. He said yes but then started to hedge-"Not tonight, I'll go tomorrow. I just want to stay here tonight with you in my house". He started to panic a bit and said he was too scared to be "put away somewhere". I talked him into just letting me start by finding a place. The AA number in the phone book told me to take him to the hospital (the first program he called this morning) and they would work with me on payment. He agreed to go since he knew that if he didn't that I would be moving out with the boys to my parents. He went but was very agitated. He flip flopped between being sarcastic and remorseful with the doctor, nurse, me, etc. A lot of self pity and negative self talk. He kept apologizing to me for what he's done and where he's put us. I tried to tell him I wasn't angry, just concerned for his health and well being. I learned that from this board. I learned a few other things too- I didn't stress out over how he treated the hospital staff, I didn't say a word and let him deal with it. I also learned that if you believe there's a problem, there is, and that it just gets worse-scary worse. It won't just go away no matter how much you tell yourself it will or how often you try to convince yourself that it's not that big of a deal. I'm hoping to learn more so I do the right things as often as possible. I am going to my first Alanon meeting on Sunday-no matter what. Nothing to lose. Tonight is the saddest night of my life-different than the anxious or angry nights where I want to leap out of my skin. Sad to leave him knowing how scared he is. Sad to be laying in this bed without him. Just sad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 3
Well, I'm not sure I can offer anything wise, but...I know how you feel. It seems sometimes like things happen...and they involve the people you love, but in ways you couldn't even imagine in your worst nightmares.
Regardless...things have a way of working themselves out. All of the other stuff - the monetary issues, the no contact order, all of that? Seen it, or permutations of it.
What's most important is that, despite everything that's happened - you don't blame yourself. By what you've said, it appears you handled it better than I could ever have.
It's not going to go away - but for now, your husband is alive and well, and he might get a chance to get the help he needs. Perhaps the manner in which he got there isn't the greatest - but this could get him into a situation where he could get a handle on his disease.
That's worth it, above everything. It may be a long night -- I know about those all too well -- but there is a reason for it. Eventually, you'll find out why, and perhaps it will be better in the future. Perhaps not...but that's the logic and lack of logic that comes with the disease.
Definitely go to that Al-Anon meeting Sunday, and if you don't like - don't give up. I didn't like the meeting I went to for the first few months...but by the last few times I went to it, I loved it. I needed to go there - they have a way of making you feel beloved. Everyone deserves that.
I'll keep you in my prayers tonight. All the best.
Craig
Regardless...things have a way of working themselves out. All of the other stuff - the monetary issues, the no contact order, all of that? Seen it, or permutations of it.
What's most important is that, despite everything that's happened - you don't blame yourself. By what you've said, it appears you handled it better than I could ever have.
It's not going to go away - but for now, your husband is alive and well, and he might get a chance to get the help he needs. Perhaps the manner in which he got there isn't the greatest - but this could get him into a situation where he could get a handle on his disease.
That's worth it, above everything. It may be a long night -- I know about those all too well -- but there is a reason for it. Eventually, you'll find out why, and perhaps it will be better in the future. Perhaps not...but that's the logic and lack of logic that comes with the disease.
Definitely go to that Al-Anon meeting Sunday, and if you don't like - don't give up. I didn't like the meeting I went to for the first few months...but by the last few times I went to it, I loved it. I needed to go there - they have a way of making you feel beloved. Everyone deserves that.
I'll keep you in my prayers tonight. All the best.
Craig
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Hi Annie,
I know what you mean, it seems to be a bit conspiracy because the life we always dreamed of with our spouses have been one that is full of good stuff.
They just seem to make the decision over and over again to do things that we did not agree to. That is where it gets hard. Feels as if we are taken on a ride without consent and getting off of that ride means a whole lot of stuff.
But in our sanity moments, we know that we can not go for the ride anymore. Those out-of-skin days are enough to let us know we don't like being there. It is still so sad. We wished that it could all just literally disappear, but such is our lives. Things just happen.
You know what you need, no matter what, I can hear in your words. All you can trust in now at this time is you.
All we can do for them is hope they choose life, then love has a good fighting chance.
Hoping you get all that you need to help you through this season.
Keep reaching out for support, of course, you know that you are on the right trail.
Take care, you are in my prayers.
I know what you mean, it seems to be a bit conspiracy because the life we always dreamed of with our spouses have been one that is full of good stuff.
They just seem to make the decision over and over again to do things that we did not agree to. That is where it gets hard. Feels as if we are taken on a ride without consent and getting off of that ride means a whole lot of stuff.
But in our sanity moments, we know that we can not go for the ride anymore. Those out-of-skin days are enough to let us know we don't like being there. It is still so sad. We wished that it could all just literally disappear, but such is our lives. Things just happen.
You know what you need, no matter what, I can hear in your words. All you can trust in now at this time is you.
All we can do for them is hope they choose life, then love has a good fighting chance.
Hoping you get all that you need to help you through this season.
Keep reaching out for support, of course, you know that you are on the right trail.
Take care, you are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
Well I didn't think that I could feel worse than I did last night but whew, the morning is no picnic. When you wake up and realize the same problems are still there and they aren't a dream. I have a problem with panic attacks (I think a typical controlling person's affliction, I think) and I'm struggling to keep them out of the picture. Today I believe I need to inform my husband's family about everything that has been going on. I need to let his parents know he is a drunk, lost his job because of it, and now in the hospital. Great way to spend the holiday weekend. Going to have to explain something to my little boys, too. I'm praying that God gives me the right words to say.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
I remember driving my AH to rehab 300 miles away from our home. He displayed all the same emotions as your AH. The events leading up to the admission were even similar except my AH landed in jail for getting into a fight with his ex over a custody issue. The phone rang and I answered it to receive a collect call from the jail.
That was over a year ago. Sobriety has eluded him although he does continue with an aftercare program and AA (court ordered). I think he knows that he needs to get sober, but I don't think he wants to. When that changes maybe his life with also change.
I do know that recovery is possible and many do come out of rehab and never take another drink. I pray that that is true for your AH. As Mrs. Magic says, In the meantime, its a mean time.
That was over a year ago. Sobriety has eluded him although he does continue with an aftercare program and AA (court ordered). I think he knows that he needs to get sober, but I don't think he wants to. When that changes maybe his life with also change.
I do know that recovery is possible and many do come out of rehab and never take another drink. I pray that that is true for your AH. As Mrs. Magic says, In the meantime, its a mean time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Annie....
Your husband is suffering from the disease of codependancy.... which is a family system disease. Codependany is expressed in two ways... using and trying to control.
The shame around codependancy is generational... and people consitantly try to quiet that shame voice that never shuts up with either a substance or putting all their focus on another so that they can not think about themselves... both are addictions.
Alanon is a wonderful way to learn to detach from your A... but it's not the whole picture...
Study codependancy...
Look for how it's working in your life... and your family...
I think you'll be amazed.
I pray to the Creator to lessen your fear... and your angst around your husbands problems...
I pray that you are sent clarity and peace of mind... and that the fog of denial slips from your eyes.. and your husbands...
Your husband is suffering from the disease of codependancy.... which is a family system disease. Codependany is expressed in two ways... using and trying to control.
The shame around codependancy is generational... and people consitantly try to quiet that shame voice that never shuts up with either a substance or putting all their focus on another so that they can not think about themselves... both are addictions.
Alanon is a wonderful way to learn to detach from your A... but it's not the whole picture...
Study codependancy...
Look for how it's working in your life... and your family...
I think you'll be amazed.
I pray to the Creator to lessen your fear... and your angst around your husbands problems...
I pray that you are sent clarity and peace of mind... and that the fog of denial slips from your eyes.. and your husbands...
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Annie,
I know you feel like you are being sucked down and that there is nothing you can do. Right now, there isn't anything that will make the pain, fear, and frustration go away. But you can start getting your life back. You have already taken one step by posting here. I would have never thought that by sharing the embarrassing, craziness that I was living in would help me to get my life back. I was ready to try anything.
I started by going to my first Al-Anon meeting. My husband had just OD'd on pain pills, and I knew that whether or not he got help, I had to. That first meeting, I was terrified, embarrassed, and cried the whole time. But I felt safe. I felt that this was right. It was going to help me. And it has.
We don't have to go through this alone, and we don't have to keep getting sucked down. We have all been in that dark place, but many of us are here to say that there is a way out. Keep coming here. Think about taking care of you. The alcoholic isn't going to change until they decide to. We can. Hugs, Magic
To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."
I know you feel like you are being sucked down and that there is nothing you can do. Right now, there isn't anything that will make the pain, fear, and frustration go away. But you can start getting your life back. You have already taken one step by posting here. I would have never thought that by sharing the embarrassing, craziness that I was living in would help me to get my life back. I was ready to try anything.
I started by going to my first Al-Anon meeting. My husband had just OD'd on pain pills, and I knew that whether or not he got help, I had to. That first meeting, I was terrified, embarrassed, and cried the whole time. But I felt safe. I felt that this was right. It was going to help me. And it has.
We don't have to go through this alone, and we don't have to keep getting sucked down. We have all been in that dark place, but many of us are here to say that there is a way out. Keep coming here. Think about taking care of you. The alcoholic isn't going to change until they decide to. We can. Hugs, Magic
To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."
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