Married to HFA with 2 kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Married to HFA with 2 kids
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children (3 years, and 2 years old). He is a very hard worker, we are financially comfortable, and I am currently a stay-at-home mom.
About 2 weeks ago, I found 2 bottles of vodka (one empty) hidden behind the coils of our deep freezer in the basement. This is the second time this has happened, although he has unsurprisingly changed his drink from whiskey to vodka.
When I caught him drinking secretly the first time, I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy. He had appeared drunk sometimes, but his consumption never seemed to match how he appeared or presented himself. When I confronted him, he admitted to drinking way too much and often feeling hungover in the morning. I guess that he was secretly consuming at least 2 fifths/week on top of 2 strong drinks and maybe a beer or two every night. He stopped drinking altogether for a few weeks, but then started drinking craft beers -- no liquor -- only in the evening or on days off. Since then, things between us have been okay, but having 2 small children and a husband whom you struggle to trust is not easy. He has never been physically abusive, but he is often irritable, sometimes angry, and is often detached and uninterested in our marriage and kids.
Fast forward 2.5 years... I had been smelling liquor on him for the past few months. Every time I asked him about it, he told me I was imagining things, and that he was only drinking 1-2 beers a night. I finally found his stash, quite by accident, and he admitted to drinking secretly. Of course he told me that he only drank a sip or two each night (I don't know how much he had been drinking, as I didn't want to monitor him again). He said that he only did it to manage the stress he feels from work, and that he hid it because he knew I wouldn't approve. I asked him to stop drinking, and told him that I needed time to think about things before we could talk about this again.
A few days later, I told him that I would like to see a counselor for myself to better understand the situation. He flew off the handle. He told me that he would not let me spend any money on therapy. If I wanted I could go to Al-Anon, but there I would see how lucky I was that he is nothing like a true alcoholic. He said that he had gone to AA meetings in the past (at the request of his first wife), and that he didn't belong with people like that. He told me that he would never go to marriage counseling either -- "he's been there before and he knows what a crock it is".
I did go to the counselor (specialist in substance abuse). After hearing my situation, he guessed that my husband is a moderate to severe alcoholic. I came home feeling a little more knowledgable, but still very scared and unsure of how to handle this.
I spoke to my husband and set some boundaries: no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much).
He agreed to all of those things, but told me that I was overreacting about his drinking. I think he has an addiction, but he calls it a "habit". He also told me that we need to talk before I go to any more counseling, and that I shouldn't spend any more money on it. He still would never go with me, he said.
Has anyone been here before? If this is denial, how did you get through this? I'm obviously terrified of this ruining our family, but I don't want my children to grow up with an angry and depressed alcoholic father who refused to change, and I don't want to be married to one either.
Thanks.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children (3 years, and 2 years old). He is a very hard worker, we are financially comfortable, and I am currently a stay-at-home mom.
About 2 weeks ago, I found 2 bottles of vodka (one empty) hidden behind the coils of our deep freezer in the basement. This is the second time this has happened, although he has unsurprisingly changed his drink from whiskey to vodka.
When I caught him drinking secretly the first time, I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy. He had appeared drunk sometimes, but his consumption never seemed to match how he appeared or presented himself. When I confronted him, he admitted to drinking way too much and often feeling hungover in the morning. I guess that he was secretly consuming at least 2 fifths/week on top of 2 strong drinks and maybe a beer or two every night. He stopped drinking altogether for a few weeks, but then started drinking craft beers -- no liquor -- only in the evening or on days off. Since then, things between us have been okay, but having 2 small children and a husband whom you struggle to trust is not easy. He has never been physically abusive, but he is often irritable, sometimes angry, and is often detached and uninterested in our marriage and kids.
Fast forward 2.5 years... I had been smelling liquor on him for the past few months. Every time I asked him about it, he told me I was imagining things, and that he was only drinking 1-2 beers a night. I finally found his stash, quite by accident, and he admitted to drinking secretly. Of course he told me that he only drank a sip or two each night (I don't know how much he had been drinking, as I didn't want to monitor him again). He said that he only did it to manage the stress he feels from work, and that he hid it because he knew I wouldn't approve. I asked him to stop drinking, and told him that I needed time to think about things before we could talk about this again.
A few days later, I told him that I would like to see a counselor for myself to better understand the situation. He flew off the handle. He told me that he would not let me spend any money on therapy. If I wanted I could go to Al-Anon, but there I would see how lucky I was that he is nothing like a true alcoholic. He said that he had gone to AA meetings in the past (at the request of his first wife), and that he didn't belong with people like that. He told me that he would never go to marriage counseling either -- "he's been there before and he knows what a crock it is".
I did go to the counselor (specialist in substance abuse). After hearing my situation, he guessed that my husband is a moderate to severe alcoholic. I came home feeling a little more knowledgable, but still very scared and unsure of how to handle this.
I spoke to my husband and set some boundaries: no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much).
He agreed to all of those things, but told me that I was overreacting about his drinking. I think he has an addiction, but he calls it a "habit". He also told me that we need to talk before I go to any more counseling, and that I shouldn't spend any more money on it. He still would never go with me, he said.
Has anyone been here before? If this is denial, how did you get through this? I'm obviously terrified of this ruining our family, but I don't want my children to grow up with an angry and depressed alcoholic father who refused to change, and I don't want to be married to one either.
Thanks.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR BeenGrand.
Sorry to hear of your situation, it certainly does sound like he's got a major problem with Alcohol from your account. His reaction is definitely not surprising either, denial is very strong with alcoholics/addicts....many don't believe or accept that they have a problem themselves while actively drinking/using.
Al-anon sounds like a good idea if you can go, but unfortunately there's really not a lot you can do to make or force your husband to seek help. He will need to do that for himself, although it does sound like he may have some inkling of the issue if he's been to AA before.
Check out or family and friends section of the site ( link below ). There are many there who are in the exact same situation as you and can help you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Sorry to hear of your situation, it certainly does sound like he's got a major problem with Alcohol from your account. His reaction is definitely not surprising either, denial is very strong with alcoholics/addicts....many don't believe or accept that they have a problem themselves while actively drinking/using.
Al-anon sounds like a good idea if you can go, but unfortunately there's really not a lot you can do to make or force your husband to seek help. He will need to do that for himself, although it does sound like he may have some inkling of the issue if he's been to AA before.
Check out or family and friends section of the site ( link below ). There are many there who are in the exact same situation as you and can help you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome and I hope your husband decides to seek help for his alcoholism.
Setting boundaries is a good idea, but keep in mind the boundaries are for you, not for him. Trying to control an alcoholic is fruitless. Make boundaries for yourself and put your focus into what you will do when your boundaries are crossed.
Setting boundaries is a good idea, but keep in mind the boundaries are for you, not for him. Trying to control an alcoholic is fruitless. Make boundaries for yourself and put your focus into what you will do when your boundaries are crossed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome BG. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. If he's hiding it from you and has been for some time now then you probably don't even realize how much he is drinking. When I switched from whiskey to vodka and hiding it, I would go through 1.75L bottle every other day. My wife only found traces.
Like Anna said, you won't be able to change him. But he can change himself if you set boundaries for you. Just make sure you don't leave open-ended repercussions for crossing your boundaries.
Welcome to SR
Like Anna said, you won't be able to change him. But he can change himself if you set boundaries for you. Just make sure you don't leave open-ended repercussions for crossing your boundaries.
Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Welcome, BeenGrand!
So sorry to hear about your husband. We alcoholics tend to lie to ourselves and hence to others also. I support your setting boundaries but wouldn't recommend trying to take on "fixing" him. Alcoholics need to figure out themselves that they need help. He likely doesn't want you to see a counselor because he isn't ready to deal with his addiction. I'd suggest also that you continue to get support for yourself even though he doesn't want that.
I hope he will be open to help before it's too late.
So sorry to hear about your husband. We alcoholics tend to lie to ourselves and hence to others also. I support your setting boundaries but wouldn't recommend trying to take on "fixing" him. Alcoholics need to figure out themselves that they need help. He likely doesn't want you to see a counselor because he isn't ready to deal with his addiction. I'd suggest also that you continue to get support for yourself even though he doesn't want that.
I hope he will be open to help before it's too late.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 188
Sounds familiar. I switched from whiskey to vodka/hiding it and thats when it got bad. I love my fiance more than life and I can not lie I still struggle. The withdrawls were hard and the current esercise routine is great but tuff at times. I do not drink on weekdays and have severly cut back on weekends. I did it for her and he will for you. Promise to be with him through the withdrawls. I hid mine and it was so hard.
From one HFA to another I can talk to him if needed. One day your in controll the next scared as hell.
From one HFA to another I can talk to him if needed. One day your in controll the next scared as hell.
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