Should I move on or give one last chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1
Should I move on or give one last chance?
Hello all,
I've browsed this forum for months and after reading the posts just now gathered the courage to post my situation/story.
My bf and I will be together 4 years now in November. I love him greatly but ever since I moved in with him May of last year I've realized he has a major addiction to alcohol.
Before this point from 2012 to 2014 I was going to college and living on campus, we would spend time together on the weekends or he would come visit me. We sometimes would go out to restaurants and have drinks when we first started dating but he would get buzzed not drunk. In hindsight there were some instances where I thought something was off with his behavior.
Our main way of communication while I was in college was by phone and there would be times we'd talk I could tell he'd been drinking. He would say things that didn't make sense or were incoherent. He'd also be very argumentative. These phone calls would usually result in me getting upset with him. Then when I would come to visit him on weekends I'd notice a large array of beer cans scattered on the living room floor.
I always just thought he was a social drinker, something that all his family partakes in, but I now know it is something more.
Some background:
My bf is a combat vet who served in Iraq. He suffers from PTSD and depression. Before he joined the military, according to his family and himself, he was opposed to alcohol. He went through traumatic experiences during his time served and while he was stationed in Germany he developed a newfound love for nightlife and binge drinking. His drinking behavior got the best of him then and he was put in an AA program. He told me he was only in it a couple months.
I also learned from his grandma and mom that his father was an alcoholic. His dad is no longer alive and my bf resents him for the fact he wasn't involved in his life growing up due to his own addictions ( he died from a suicidal drug overdose)
Since I've lived with my BF there's been many incidents that have shed light on the fact he has a problem with alcohol:
He drinks to excess and can't seem to stop at just 1 or 2. I've seen him almost drink a whole 24 pack in just a couple hours
Needs alcohol to "relax" from stress or even if he's bored
Always orders an alcoholic beverage when we go out to eat, rarely gets water or soda
Has episodes in which he says mean and hurtful things then doesn't recall what happened the next day
Has peed all over the floor (even the couch) when he's been extremely drunk. There was even a time I cleaned it up by putting napkins on the floor
There's so much more I can add to this..
I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before, but never one with an addict. This whole experience has been new.
Luckily when he's had his worst episodes we've been home, but there have been times most recently where I've feared for my own personal safety.
I've written him 3 letters, each were written after an incident involving his drinking, describing how this addiction makes me feel and affects our relationship.
My third letter was my last..I basically gave him the ultimatum that if he doesn't get help by the end of the year I can't do this anymore.
These past couple months it has been very progressive and I'm just exhausted from the turmoil of seeing him damage himself along with the abuse he directs toward me when he's been drinking.
I just wanted to write here and see if anyone can relate or has gone through a similar experience.
I've browsed this forum for months and after reading the posts just now gathered the courage to post my situation/story.
My bf and I will be together 4 years now in November. I love him greatly but ever since I moved in with him May of last year I've realized he has a major addiction to alcohol.
Before this point from 2012 to 2014 I was going to college and living on campus, we would spend time together on the weekends or he would come visit me. We sometimes would go out to restaurants and have drinks when we first started dating but he would get buzzed not drunk. In hindsight there were some instances where I thought something was off with his behavior.
Our main way of communication while I was in college was by phone and there would be times we'd talk I could tell he'd been drinking. He would say things that didn't make sense or were incoherent. He'd also be very argumentative. These phone calls would usually result in me getting upset with him. Then when I would come to visit him on weekends I'd notice a large array of beer cans scattered on the living room floor.
I always just thought he was a social drinker, something that all his family partakes in, but I now know it is something more.
Some background:
My bf is a combat vet who served in Iraq. He suffers from PTSD and depression. Before he joined the military, according to his family and himself, he was opposed to alcohol. He went through traumatic experiences during his time served and while he was stationed in Germany he developed a newfound love for nightlife and binge drinking. His drinking behavior got the best of him then and he was put in an AA program. He told me he was only in it a couple months.
I also learned from his grandma and mom that his father was an alcoholic. His dad is no longer alive and my bf resents him for the fact he wasn't involved in his life growing up due to his own addictions ( he died from a suicidal drug overdose)
Since I've lived with my BF there's been many incidents that have shed light on the fact he has a problem with alcohol:
He drinks to excess and can't seem to stop at just 1 or 2. I've seen him almost drink a whole 24 pack in just a couple hours
Needs alcohol to "relax" from stress or even if he's bored
Always orders an alcoholic beverage when we go out to eat, rarely gets water or soda
Has episodes in which he says mean and hurtful things then doesn't recall what happened the next day
Has peed all over the floor (even the couch) when he's been extremely drunk. There was even a time I cleaned it up by putting napkins on the floor
There's so much more I can add to this..
I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before, but never one with an addict. This whole experience has been new.
Luckily when he's had his worst episodes we've been home, but there have been times most recently where I've feared for my own personal safety.
I've written him 3 letters, each were written after an incident involving his drinking, describing how this addiction makes me feel and affects our relationship.
My third letter was my last..I basically gave him the ultimatum that if he doesn't get help by the end of the year I can't do this anymore.
These past couple months it has been very progressive and I'm just exhausted from the turmoil of seeing him damage himself along with the abuse he directs toward me when he's been drinking.
I just wanted to write here and see if anyone can relate or has gone through a similar experience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry you find yourself needing this board, but there is a lot of shared wisdom here.
If you fear for your safety in any way, that is a dealbreaker.
Giving him till the end of the year sounds like torture for you. It sets you up for increasingly progressive drinking and destructive behavior on his part. You could change that boundary to tomorrow or Monday or any day sooner.
Do you have real life support and somewhere else to go or your own money?
If you fear for your safety in any way, that is a dealbreaker.
Giving him till the end of the year sounds like torture for you. It sets you up for increasingly progressive drinking and destructive behavior on his part. You could change that boundary to tomorrow or Monday or any day sooner.
Do you have real life support and somewhere else to go or your own money?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in a similar situation. Help is there if he wants it, but it doesn't sound like he does.
Waiting until the end of the year is unlikely to result in a happier ending than leaving next week. You will have just wasted another four months of your life waiting for him to change. I wasted five years waiting for my ex to change so we could be happy. That was about 4 years and 364 days too long. I should have spent that time taking care of myself and learning why I was attracted to such unhealthy relationships.
Being a veteran and PTSD are not excuses for unaccptable behavior. I have used the resources available to me to make sure I don't go down the road of self destruction with alcohol and drugs that so many veterans (including my ex) unfortunately choose. Like I said, help is there for anyone who wants it. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Waiting until the end of the year is unlikely to result in a happier ending than leaving next week. You will have just wasted another four months of your life waiting for him to change. I wasted five years waiting for my ex to change so we could be happy. That was about 4 years and 364 days too long. I should have spent that time taking care of myself and learning why I was attracted to such unhealthy relationships.
Being a veteran and PTSD are not excuses for unaccptable behavior. I have used the resources available to me to make sure I don't go down the road of self destruction with alcohol and drugs that so many veterans (including my ex) unfortunately choose. Like I said, help is there for anyone who wants it. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
I'll agree that you don't need to give him to the end of the year. You've repeatedly expressed to him how his behavior affects you and if he hasn't done anything about it by now, he won't do it by the end of the year. If anything, he'll make some token show of "effort" by making some promises or going to an AA meeting or two right as you're coming up on the "deadline" to suck you into waiting LONGER while he "works on" the problem.
You have your whole life ahead of you. You should be living it, not waiting for someone to recover who has shown no inclination or interest in doing so.
I'll agree that you don't need to give him to the end of the year. You've repeatedly expressed to him how his behavior affects you and if he hasn't done anything about it by now, he won't do it by the end of the year. If anything, he'll make some token show of "effort" by making some promises or going to an AA meeting or two right as you're coming up on the "deadline" to suck you into waiting LONGER while he "works on" the problem.
You have your whole life ahead of you. You should be living it, not waiting for someone to recover who has shown no inclination or interest in doing so.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before, but never one with an addict. This whole experience has been new.
I can't understand why if you are witnessing the progression of his addiction would you wait until the end of the year?
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable!!! Alcohol isn’t an excuse for unacceptable behavior to be acceptable.
You are writing emotional letters and trying to reason things out with someone who is just not capable of hearing it/feeling it or addressing it in any kind of normal fashion. This person’s brain is so alcohol soaked that nothing you say is going to make logically sense to him. All his brain can process is obsession to drink.
How about you give al-anon a try and work on trying to detach from this situation.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Portsmouth, VA
Posts: 33
Hun....LexieCat is exactly right. So are the others. No need to wait until the end of the year because there IS a chance he will bait you to stay by showing you "fake" attempts at getting help.
Having PTSD is just an excuse.
You deserve a happy life with someone who will love you and share all the happy moments a life/marriage have to offer. Not to have to worry about how drunk he is going to be the next day, because he WILL be. There is no IF in this situation. You will end up making excuses for him with family and friends. I have been there.
Please, get the strength, whether through family and friends or this site and LEAVE!!!! The people on this site can be very helpful. They have for me in the past few months since signing up. The best advice, I think, comes from those who have lived it and everyone on this site has in one way or another.
Good Luck!!!!!
Having PTSD is just an excuse.
You deserve a happy life with someone who will love you and share all the happy moments a life/marriage have to offer. Not to have to worry about how drunk he is going to be the next day, because he WILL be. There is no IF in this situation. You will end up making excuses for him with family and friends. I have been there.
Please, get the strength, whether through family and friends or this site and LEAVE!!!! The people on this site can be very helpful. They have for me in the past few months since signing up. The best advice, I think, comes from those who have lived it and everyone on this site has in one way or another.
Good Luck!!!!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I used to think if the alcohol was gone, things would improve. Sobriety without recovery is sometimes even crazier. When I saw "alcohol soaked brain" above, my dis-ease hooks onto that as "hey, let's get rid of the alcohol!" Nope. There is a chance at recovery and the alcoholic really does have to want it more than anything else. I can't pull or entice him to that. I've tried in many, many ways and I've come to realize it's a very counter-intuitive disease.
I still believe my husband wants to be sober. I also realize he doesn't want it more than anything else in his life. At this point, it's still as necessary as breathing air is to him. Until sobriety and recovery are that important, nothing will change.
So I've learned to work my own recovery program through Alanon. I'm seeing life from new viewpoints and finding joy, love and compassion in many new ways. Joy of life, love of myself, compassion for myself, the alcoholic and others.
I have many of my own dysfunctional behaviors and ways to cope that I never could see before. They aren't necessarily bad, but they're completely out of balance. As I heal and find balance in myself and my life, my relationships are finding a better balance, also.
As hard as it was for me to go into an Alanon meeting and then keep going back, it's been well worth it. What I really want is to self-isolate and focus on other people's problems. What is helping me heal is to reach out for support from those who've been through this.
Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. This is him at his best. He may have moments of seeming better, and that tends to be when the disease is sitting back, getting stronger, ready to take things up another notch or two. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. However, I can and have contributed to it in many ways I was unaware of.
Wishing you much love, clarity and healing.
Ktf
I still believe my husband wants to be sober. I also realize he doesn't want it more than anything else in his life. At this point, it's still as necessary as breathing air is to him. Until sobriety and recovery are that important, nothing will change.
So I've learned to work my own recovery program through Alanon. I'm seeing life from new viewpoints and finding joy, love and compassion in many new ways. Joy of life, love of myself, compassion for myself, the alcoholic and others.
I have many of my own dysfunctional behaviors and ways to cope that I never could see before. They aren't necessarily bad, but they're completely out of balance. As I heal and find balance in myself and my life, my relationships are finding a better balance, also.
As hard as it was for me to go into an Alanon meeting and then keep going back, it's been well worth it. What I really want is to self-isolate and focus on other people's problems. What is helping me heal is to reach out for support from those who've been through this.
Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. This is him at his best. He may have moments of seeming better, and that tends to be when the disease is sitting back, getting stronger, ready to take things up another notch or two. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. However, I can and have contributed to it in many ways I was unaware of.
Wishing you much love, clarity and healing.
Ktf
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
With a history of alcoholism in the family, he is likely doing what he does, because he cannot process alcohol normally. If he refuses to recognize this, says he is going to change, but has done nothing to change.......move on. Unfortunately, the odds are not good. I am one of the fortunate, thus far, but I would not have wanted to take someone on my ride.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before, but never one with an addict. This whole experience has been new.
it's really just more of the same. i suggest your time would be MUCH better spent working with a qualified therapist to find out why YOU always ed up in abusive relationships and then try to fix THEM. maybe write YOURSELF a letter............
it's really just more of the same. i suggest your time would be MUCH better spent working with a qualified therapist to find out why YOU always ed up in abusive relationships and then try to fix THEM. maybe write YOURSELF a letter............
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