terrified and trying again (my accountability thread)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 34
terrified and trying again (my accountability thread)
10 days have passed since I joined. I intended it to be my Day 1.
I'm terrified on practical survival fronts currently :-(. Which makes it Even crazier not to care for oneself.
Please excuse me for seeking supportive words once more :-(.
I want to try once more.
I'm terrified on practical survival fronts currently :-(. Which makes it Even crazier not to care for oneself.
Please excuse me for seeking supportive words once more :-(.
I want to try once more.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
A little fear can be a good thing - nothing made me love and cherish my recovery more than the thought I might not be able to keep it.
Give your recovery everything you've got SilentSearch - try new things, new means of support, new programmes - healthy positive things that perhaps you've never tried before?
You'll get back exactly what you put in, so put it 110%.
You don't need to relapse ever again - and you don;t need to feel this way ever again as well
you can do this
D
Give your recovery everything you've got SilentSearch - try new things, new means of support, new programmes - healthy positive things that perhaps you've never tried before?
You'll get back exactly what you put in, so put it 110%.
You don't need to relapse ever again - and you don;t need to feel this way ever again as well
you can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hey, keep at it. I came here on my day ones probably twenty times. No kidding.
Despite my best intentions, I couldn't stop. I even was attending AA meetings and couldn't stop.
I stopped going to meetings, but it planted a bug in my ear. Here were all these people, here and at meetings, who were so unlike me, in a personal way, but were solving our common affliction concerning alcohol.
I kept coming here. I believed in a Higher Power.
Things began to click. I felt like such a failure , but found hope and I never stopped trying. I never gave up.
It's been over four and a half years since I felt the need to drink. It didn't happen over night for me. There was no burning bush moment. It was just time, and I was about as bad a drunk as you could imagine.
So don't give up. Keep trying. Try again. But never lose that thread of hope that exists here and at AA meetings that we can get a reprieve from alcoholism. One day at a time.
If you're serious about quitting, and I was, do whatever it takes.
It may take baby steps, drastic measures or, God forbid, The horrors that I went through.
You can do it. Keep coming back.
Despite my best intentions, I couldn't stop. I even was attending AA meetings and couldn't stop.
I stopped going to meetings, but it planted a bug in my ear. Here were all these people, here and at meetings, who were so unlike me, in a personal way, but were solving our common affliction concerning alcohol.
I kept coming here. I believed in a Higher Power.
Things began to click. I felt like such a failure , but found hope and I never stopped trying. I never gave up.
It's been over four and a half years since I felt the need to drink. It didn't happen over night for me. There was no burning bush moment. It was just time, and I was about as bad a drunk as you could imagine.
So don't give up. Keep trying. Try again. But never lose that thread of hope that exists here and at AA meetings that we can get a reprieve from alcoholism. One day at a time.
If you're serious about quitting, and I was, do whatever it takes.
It may take baby steps, drastic measures or, God forbid, The horrors that I went through.
You can do it. Keep coming back.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Here's some really useful links to building a plan
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Never give up, silent. I think most of us have been coming here on our "day one"s, wanting to start, and terrified to actually follow through. If you keep trying, one day something will click and you will find the strength to go through with it. Mine did just 3 days ago, and I couldn't be happier. My life is already starting to improve - my relationships with my DH, my teenage son, myself. I feel better in the morning, my shaking has all but stopped, I can remember what happened the night before, and I don't regret going to bed sober. You can do this... 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
SilentSearch - I know just how you feel. Few of us get it right the very first time. I definitely needed further convincing. I drank 30 yrs. & now have 7+ yrs. sober - so I know it can be done, and you can do it. We're with you.
We're with you.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Took me a whole lot of day ones to get to today--day 127. It gets better with time, I promise.
a) Ask for help if you get even the smallest urge to drink.
b) Help others as much as you can, even if it's just saying "hello" or "I hear you."
c) Remember you don't take that first drink today no matter what. As long as you don't take the first, you won't have to worry about the second or third or tenth drink that will almost always follow.
Wishing you the best today. Check in often! We're here for you.
a) Ask for help if you get even the smallest urge to drink.
b) Help others as much as you can, even if it's just saying "hello" or "I hear you."
c) Remember you don't take that first drink today no matter what. As long as you don't take the first, you won't have to worry about the second or third or tenth drink that will almost always follow.
Wishing you the best today. Check in often! We're here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 34
Midday update. Heartfelt thanks to everyone. I needed to go out to do a chore. And had your words in mind while driving and found myself crying. I believe without this thread I might have convinced myself to get 'just one more' bottle of wine to 'taper off' with.
Day isn't over yet and I dread the night. (Isn't it ironic that one reason for drinking is to temporarily escape the deep regret and lost time caused by drinking.) My particular pattern has always been to drink in order to get that deep warm buzz that takes away regrets temporarily and sinks me into sleep.
Day isn't over yet and I dread the night. (Isn't it ironic that one reason for drinking is to temporarily escape the deep regret and lost time caused by drinking.) My particular pattern has always been to drink in order to get that deep warm buzz that takes away regrets temporarily and sinks me into sleep.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by SilentSearch 
(Isn't it ironic that one reason for drinking is to temporarily escape the deep regret and lost time caused by drinking.)
Keep going, SilentSearch!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
I feel your pain, silent. Cried many times wanting to quit, and then breaking down and drinking anyway. Tell your AV to shut the heck up because YOU'RE in control now, not it. Never give up, because you will become sick & tired of being sick & tired and WILL get there. I'm sending out positive vibes...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by SilentSearch
Midday update. Heartfelt thanks to everyone. I needed to go out to do a chore. And had your words in mind while driving and found myself crying. I believe without this thread I might have convinced myself to get 'just one more' bottle of wine to 'taper off' with.
Day isn't over yet and I dread the night. (Isn't it ironic that one reason for drinking is to temporarily escape the deep regret and lost time caused by drinking.) My particular pattern has always been to drink in order to get that deep warm buzz that takes away regrets temporarily and sinks me into sleep.
Day isn't over yet and I dread the night. (Isn't it ironic that one reason for drinking is to temporarily escape the deep regret and lost time caused by drinking.) My particular pattern has always been to drink in order to get that deep warm buzz that takes away regrets temporarily and sinks me into sleep.
Edited to add a quote a like: "Few people realize that sobriety is an action of insights and skills far beyond mere abstinence" David Stewart. In other words, I need new ways of coping and thinking otherwise I will continue to fight daily life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
I know just what you mean about drinking to numb the consequences of drinking! Yeah, makes no sense - but I did it for years. All we do is prolong the inevitable - but we don't see it at the time. Now you know, Search - and you can rise above it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I understand Search. I've had several Day 1s. My most recent Day 1 was 9/7/15. Never give up. You can do this one day at a time. Post as many times per day as you need to in order to keep from drinking. You will be so relieved to go to bed sober and wake up without a hangover. We're here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 34
Dear Everyone,
Thank you. (Hevyn & Dee thank you so much for re-checking in specifically.) I'm sorry for not checking back in sooner. For obvious reasons :-( Felt wrong to start, slip, repeat and keep getting support.
But here I am early Monday AM! Which means - Sunday was Free of anything other than a green smoothie I treated myself too, lots of water, and a few small bites of a sandwich.
Not a drop of the nasty alcohol, also known as CH3CH2OH. Ethanol - that's the form of alcohol we humans consume. (I looked it all up) Also defined by wikipedia as a "neurotoxic psychoactive drug. Not so pretty sounding! Especially the neurotoxic part.
I feel so sad, but not as ashamed as before finding the forum. Even though I Totally knew, somehow at the same time I didn't know - how alone I was with this. For now I'm mostly feeling very very sad about all the time gone. Scared about finding work. VERY sobered by the thread where people share withdrawal symptoms over time. Since it could have a serious impact on surviving the coming months. I have my fingers crossed about mind and body healing.
And I'm very aware this is just one day lived through so far.
Thank you. (Hevyn & Dee thank you so much for re-checking in specifically.) I'm sorry for not checking back in sooner. For obvious reasons :-( Felt wrong to start, slip, repeat and keep getting support.
But here I am early Monday AM! Which means - Sunday was Free of anything other than a green smoothie I treated myself too, lots of water, and a few small bites of a sandwich.
Not a drop of the nasty alcohol, also known as CH3CH2OH. Ethanol - that's the form of alcohol we humans consume. (I looked it all up) Also defined by wikipedia as a "neurotoxic psychoactive drug. Not so pretty sounding! Especially the neurotoxic part.
I feel so sad, but not as ashamed as before finding the forum. Even though I Totally knew, somehow at the same time I didn't know - how alone I was with this. For now I'm mostly feeling very very sad about all the time gone. Scared about finding work. VERY sobered by the thread where people share withdrawal symptoms over time. Since it could have a serious impact on surviving the coming months. I have my fingers crossed about mind and body healing.
And I'm very aware this is just one day lived through so far.
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