So I reached out to him AND IT BLEW UP IN MY FACE

Old 09-09-2015, 08:47 PM
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So I reached out to him AND IT BLEW UP IN MY FACE

Yeah so I reached out to my ex boyfriend. Everyone I talked to said don't reach out but I guess I wanted to prove them wrong in my head and be hopeful that he's still a good person. Anyways so I was texting him yesterday and he asked if we could be friends and said he was sorry for everything and that he loves me and misses me lots. I thought great I can be sober, focus on myself and keep in contact with him. Oh how I was wrong. I ended up calling him tonight, the phone call was whatever he sounded completely depressed. I told him about my day, he said he is losing the apartment and will be living in a homeless shelter Friday . Anyways I told him I loved him and cared about him. So.... Then I get a text after saying it's too hard that I have to move on with out him and let him go that I'm too good for him. So I called him and i said I want to make it work how I love him so much, how he's the love of my life. He started sting things like "I don't want you to see me like this", "you had your chance if you had only contacted me sooner we could of worked it out" " you abandoned me when I needed you the most". BLAMING ME so now IM SAYING SORRY, I'm begging him to stay. I asked if we could be together later after he got through this and he said a "not if I'm with someone else by then". Like what a ******* joke. Just yesterday he is saying he loves me that he wants me to be friends. Now he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Anyways.....I'm done. I am done. I'm done with the manipulation, I'm done with the drama, the chaos, the heartbreak, the hurting, the pulling . Now I know someone can he saying one thing and thinking another. Does anyone agree with me that he is just messing with me? Should I even be surprised? I know that I was lying to myself and now I know to follow others advice. I'm just so done, I've given him everything and he just took and took and took until there was nothing left. But..... I'm still sober and even though this hurts like hell and I'm so confused I know this is NOT a drinkable issue. And for that I am grateful.
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Old 09-10-2015, 03:16 AM
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rbotlove: Hello. I've read what you've posted prior and admire your strength and commitment to recovery.

I can relate to your pain and confusion and know that it is very hard (understatement!) to focus on recovering when in the midst of situations as you describe in the post above.

Fortunately, I have found support from others here at SR and information in the stickies at the top of the forum to be very helpful in keeping me focused on and pointing me in the direction of my own recovery.

As for him messing with you, though not suggesting his behavior be excused or minimized, I get the idea his addiction is his first priority and that he is not capable of thinking of you, of showing respect, and of choosing to stop the manipulating and throwing of blame darts.

Maintaining boundaries, though not easy, is well worth the effort and over time, this is one step that has helped me regain some sanity in my life.

Hugs
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:24 AM
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Hello Rbotlove,

Work towards peace. Work to figure out why you bothered to go backwards. Work to figure out why your choice of a partner is 'off.'

Yesterday I had dinner with a friend. She was talking about her current BF. She speaks that she never has been treated so well. She speaks about doubt that 'he's the one.' She's 54. She's bored with him because there is no drama and hate and fights. She can't figure out that at some level she doesn't think she deserves a kind and good man. She doesn't know how to be with a kind and good man. She doesn't know how to do peace, love and harmony.

Don't be my friend. Figure it out now.
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Old 09-10-2015, 10:45 AM
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Hey, I don't know what to say to this other than listen to CodeJob I've gotten some great advice from them!
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Old 09-10-2015, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by smartass1379 View Post
Hey, I don't know what to say to this other than listen to CodeJob I've gotten some great advice from them!
You are sweet, SmartAss!
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Old 09-10-2015, 07:43 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, I have been there before.

Google "the drama triangle," understanding the concept helped me break the cycle of him behaving unacceptably, me closing him out, then somehow apologizing as if I had done something wrong.
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Old 09-13-2015, 05:08 PM
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Thanks for all the support. He reached out again and said that he wanted to still be with me and work things out. So he invited me over but I made up an excuse . Then he said he was moving in with a friend who didn't allow guests and said "I guess I don't see you 4 a while, u take care ok". What does that even mean? I don't know if it's just manupulation or what but I'm confused...
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Old 09-13-2015, 05:18 PM
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Sometimes you need a clean break or no contact for a while. No toes in the water in this situation, you are in or out. The ex might be simply wanting to keep doors open for his advantage. You probably see a slow escalation of favors.

And not having a clean break can mess up future relationships. The new significant other will not appreciate old doors being left open. Are you in or out. This will be a point of contention. The alkie/addict here has tried that and when he comes around with his ex(oh we're just friends now helping each other) her demeanor is completely different than when they were officially together-it's a cross between dread & caution.

You don't want to have to deal with a work in progress especially if there were existing issues.

Stay safe, Good Luck
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Old 09-13-2015, 06:48 PM
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I think you should go to the top of the forum and read 6,8, 10 it's pretty eye opening and may give you some peace that you are saving yourself a lot of heartache by letting him go. Hugs
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Old 09-17-2015, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by rbotlove View Post
Yeah so I reached out to my ex boyfriend. Everyone I talked to said don't reach out but I guess I wanted to prove them wrong in my head and be hopeful that he's still a good person. Anyways so I was texting him yesterday and he asked if we could be friends and said he was sorry for everything and that he loves me and misses me lots. I thought great I can be sober, focus on myself and keep in contact with him. Oh how I was wrong. I ended up calling him tonight, the phone call was whatever he sounded completely depressed. I told him about my day, he said he is losing the apartment and will be living in a homeless shelter Friday . Anyways I told him I loved him and cared about him. So.... Then I get a text after saying it's too hard that I have to move on with out him and let him go that I'm too good for him. So I called him and i said I want to make it work how I love him so much, how he's the love of my life. He started sting things like "I don't want you to see me like this", "you had your chance if you had only contacted me sooner we could of worked it out" " you abandoned me when I needed you the most". BLAMING ME so now IM SAYING SORRY, I'm begging him to stay. I asked if we could be together later after he got through this and he said a "not if I'm with someone else by then". Like what a ******* joke. Just yesterday he is saying he loves me that he wants me to be friends. Now he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Anyways.....I'm done. I am done. I'm done with the manipulation, I'm done with the drama, the chaos, the heartbreak, the hurting, the pulling . Now I know someone can he saying one thing and thinking another. Does anyone agree with me that he is just messing with me? Should I even be surprised? I know that I was lying to myself and now I know to follow others advice. I'm just so done, I've given him everything and he just took and took and took until there was nothing left. But..... I'm still sober and even though this hurts like hell and I'm so confused I know this is NOT a drinkable issue. And for that I am grateful.
Yea I know how you feel. The wishy washyness of it all. My relationship was lost because of my abf addiction to booze and coke. He was being so open with me and telling me he loves me and only me blah blah. 2 hours before our dinner date he dumps me via text because I asked for a bottle of perfume. He asked what I wanted on our date, I said that and a nice long walk. He spazzed saying all these mean things and that Im shallow and he didnt wanna see me anyway.
Anyway, after talking with his parents we really just have to let it go, if you really love him please give him to God without your own interference. I wish I would have done this earlier, I knew to do it but I was emotional and texted him like once a week. Its easier to be there for someone like our ex bf when we take care of ourselves and not let their addict bs get the best of us. Its hard and I am still angry at times... but i love him unconditionally from afar...
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Old 09-17-2015, 08:06 PM
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No new contact means no new hurts.

Hugs my friend!!
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Old 09-18-2015, 03:53 AM
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Hi rbotlove.. sorry to hear about your troubles.. as an alcoholic my self i can tell you that his emotions are not accurate (im assuming hes alcoholic) with alcoholism we tend to try to protect or pride and in doing that we attack the people we love the most. Its a most unfortunate situation.. the manipulation is really not intentional its the disease talking.. i have recently sobered up and am working hard in AA and step work with my sponsor.. i am currently going thru relationship crisis with the only women i ever loved and im heartbroken and i said all the things your bf said (when i was still drinking) now she wants time and space away from me and wants me to recover so we shall see.. this is truly a horrible disease that affects all involved unfortunately
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