Things seem turned around

Old 09-09-2015, 11:40 AM
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Things seem turned around

Divorce and kids is hard. I'm the product of divorce and a dysfunctional home, so I get it, but this I don't get.

I've been patient and accomodating to my sons because I do understand the difficulty, but this is becoming unacceptable and I just don't get it -- it makes no sense based on the history of their dad and the many pleas from my sons to do something about it.

So, I've done something about it for myself and for them and have filed for divorce. I haven't lived with the man since the 1st of January. I've moved and setup a nice comfortable home. The problem is that my sons perfer to be at their dads house all of the time and have every excuse why they cant be here often during the week when they are suppose to be. I say they are suppose to be at my house because that is what my ex and I agreed upon. For the most part, the older boys can stay wherever they want because of their age. The youngest I do have custody of but the other brothers want to be at their dads house and so does he.

I feel very hurt by this because I know what we have been through. I remember them being angry with ME because I wasn't doing something to make it stop -- like I have that kind of power -- so I left him. HOW on God's green earth can they perfer to stay with him all of a sudden??? I have one son that won't even talk to me! Of course the son that won't talk to me is also the son that has been physical with me in the past. He was never going to live with me because I don't feel safe with him in such small confines.

I just feel like I'm the one who lost family, not the addict who made life hell. I don't understand and don't know what to do. Maybe there is nothing that I can do. I feel like I'm in a darned if you do/darned if you don't position. This isn't fair.

Thoughts?
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Old 09-09-2015, 12:00 PM
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this isn't just about them preferring ONE parent over the other....you have to remember these are children of an alcoholic, they have been raised under a different and dysfunctional set of rules in a life full of lies, abandonment, fear, insecurity, drunken displays, anger, all under the pretense of NORMAL. they are driven by a lot of psychological factors they could not begin to name.

this is really interesting, albeit a bit technical article that you may find helpful

Delaying the Crossroads: The Impact of Parental
Alcoholism on Self-Authorship


http://education.indiana.edu/graduat...Crossroads.pdf
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Old 09-09-2015, 12:03 PM
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Thank you for sharing. I will read it tonight.

I've wondered if the fact that their dad never says no and was never the disciplinarian and instead was the good time charlie buying their affection over the years if that plays into their decisions. That's a heck of a lot more comfortable than a mom who makes you do your chores and homework.
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Old 09-09-2015, 12:11 PM
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I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. They may also feels sorry for their dad and think he's lonely and needs company.

FWIW, my older son once commented to me that he respected the fact that I said "no" to some things his dad allowed. His dad is a good guy, but he has a harder time saying no to things.

I know it's hard not to feel hurt by it, but kids are very selfish beings, by and large. If you keep doing the next right thing they will eventually come around, I'm betting. Boys mature later, and it sometimes takes a while.
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Old 09-09-2015, 12:12 PM
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I'll bet it's different with you guys fully split now & staying with dad will closely mimic their comfort zone.... until there's an event of some sort. Definitely his overcompensation plays a part - so does the fact that he's a pushover compared to you. It's the path of least resistance, isn't it? Especially now that there isn't the stress of dad off on binges, mom upset, divorce details to be worked out.

From their perspective, I actually get it. They are thinking of the problems between you guys are YOUR problems, not theirs.... they do not understand all of the insidious ways that they've already been affected so don't see anything wrong with what they're doing. What they aren't seeing is that this isn't just Marriage Problems, it's a Family Disease.
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Old 09-09-2015, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
this is really interesting, albeit a bit technical article that you may find helpful

Delaying the Crossroads: The Impact of Parental
Alcoholism on Self-Authorship


http://education.indiana.edu/graduat...Crossroads.pdf
This is a really GREAT article.
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Old 09-09-2015, 01:08 PM
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Yeah... they sound like they're older? How old is the youngest? Dad house is probably the "fun" house now. They were so miserable at the fighting and stress before and you made a change that stopped that and now they want the "fun" house. Not fair to you. The youngest probably wants what the older kids want to follow in their footsteps.
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Old 09-09-2015, 02:12 PM
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Katchie,

My son told me that he was afraid to go to college because he didn't want to leave me with my now ex. My daughter picked me up from the ER and told me that I should have left him years ago.

They didn't talk to me for a few years when I finally did leave. They had actually told me before they stopped talking to me, that he is finally acting like a "dad" now, and that I was the emotionally wreck trying to blame them for everything.

In my opinion and don't quote me on this. They wanted a "dad", they needed that "dad" and maybe now, he is finally acting as one.

You know that you did your best, and you know you will keep doing your best. They feel safe still with you, no matter how much they want to be with him. It's a novelty thing for them.

Really don't know what I am saying, just know that they love you.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Old 09-09-2015, 04:15 PM
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I've wondered if the fact that their dad never says no and was never the disciplinarian and instead was the good time charlie buying their affection over the years if that plays into their decisions. That's a heck of a lot more comfortable than a mom who makes you do your chores and homework.
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Of Course!!!! Come on you know why they are there. He is probably more permissive, and more generous than before. Plus he is drunk and that means they can get away with a lot more. That's where I would want to camp.

Its not about you. Perhaps back in the day they were much younger - or maybe it was just the fighting they didn't want to be around. He also lives in "their"house. If you had stayed in the house they might have stayed with you. Its a lot for a teenager to move and I believe you said your house now is much smaller.

Kids aren't the most empathetic in fact they are very egocentric. it takes being an adult and going through some crap yourself before you can look back and say "Should have been there for my parent instead of wrapped up in myself"
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Old 09-09-2015, 06:00 PM
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My kids are 21 and 17. The 21yr old was out on her own when I left stbxah, the 17yr was 16 at the time.

Both of them were very angry with me when I split from their dad. I think they still are even though my son says he isn't and my daughter started talking to me again pretending like the vicious things she said to me never happened.

My son spends much more time at his father's house. It is the house he grew up in so I understand there must be a level of comfort involved. And also his father goes away 20days a month for work....every 17yr olds dream, no parental units! However that house is in a very rural setting and not close to friends or "town". My place gets used as the town flop house when he needs a place to stay so he can go out with his friends that live in town. I definitely feel more used then loved these days. I know he loves me but he spends a lot more time with stbxah( and x's gf) then he does with me... and when he is here.. he is either in his room or out with friends.

I hope one day they will understand why I had to break up our family. For now they have no idea of the depth and breadth of the toxicity that was involved in the break down of their parents marriage. And because I love them so much I have resigned myself to being the "bad guy" for now. For me to be the "good guy" would mean me telling them things they don't need to know... things that would cause great pain, fear and anxiety to them... it would do to them what that knowledge did to me... and I wont do that to them. Maybe one day when they are mature enough to process it... but not any time soon. Some times it really sucks to be the momma.

Hang in there Katchie!
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Old 09-09-2015, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Yeah... they sound like they're older? How old is the youngest? Dad house is probably the "fun" house now. They were so miserable at the fighting and stress before and you made a change that stopped that and now they want the "fun" house. Not fair to you. The youngest probably wants what the older kids want to follow in their footsteps.
The 21 year old is out of the house away at school. He has started to fill some of my old role with his dad. He doesn't want his dad lonely and I think he believes if he keeps his dad from being lonely he won't drink. I've talked with him about this, but he may have to learn this on his own.

I have 2 seniors in high school and one junior. The junior is the only one I have custody of, but in May he will turn 18 and it won't matter what I say, he will be able to live wherever he wants legally as his older brothers can decide for themselves.

One of the seniors won't even answer a call or text from me. If I'm over at the marital home and he walks in, he doesn't acknowledge I'm there. He blames me for the breakup even though he knows his dad is a drunk, cheated on me with a stripper, and was the one who left me. We've always had a bumpy relationship.

I'm trying to find what my role will be with the boys now that things have changed so drastically. I hate that it came to this. This isn't the way things are suppose to be. It wasn't my dream. More than anything I wanted a different marriage than what my parents had, but no, it isn't possible.

I've been so upset by this last night and today. I'm doing better, but I've been thinking that I need to let them figure things out for themselves too and just be here when they need me. I don't want to force something they don't want, even if their reasons are purely for the sake of getting "things" and doing as they please when they please at their dads home.

At the same time I'm trying to forge a new relationship with my ex, one that allows us to do things on birthdays or holidays together when we are able so that the boys aren't stretched the way I have been over the years. My parents would never meet in the middle. I've spent years traveling to see them separately. Thats really hard to do and I've always resented the fact the two of them wouldn't spend a little time in the same room together for our sake. I don't want to be like that, however it will depend on his soberness. So far I believe he has stayed sober -- so far.

It is all so disappointing.
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Old 09-09-2015, 11:55 PM
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Oh Katchie, I could have written your posts, right down to your parents. My beautiful, kind, fun loving step daughter, who I raised and love as my own, refuses to speak to me. It hurt beyond words!

Like your situation, my STBXAH was always the "good guy." Still is apparently. Ironically, the healthier I became, the more my SD "disowned" me! I have finally just given it all to God and have been finding peace.

Nothing about be married to an alcoholic is ever easy., not even in divorce.
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Old 09-10-2015, 04:25 AM
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Kat, as a mom of a 24 and 22 year old I have to say some of your sons behaviors is just typical of the age. When mine were those ages I couldn't stand them. The constant fight, disrespect, the older one even moved out and lived with my mom for a year. It took until almost age 21 for each of them to mellow out and be more respectful.
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:01 AM
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Hello Katchie,

Telling the truth and acting on it is very much like being a whistleblower. you've disrupted the family way of dealing with it by addressing it.

Whistleblowers in real time are never treated like the heroes they are. So often the systems in place do not really reward 'the truth'.
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Old 09-10-2015, 11:24 AM
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Katchie.....I want to say that I understand how much this hurts your heart. It just does....regardless of the reasons. I think that we mothers can be so afraid that our kids don't/won't love us....and don't appreciate anything we do for them--just taking us for granted. And....then we look for evidence to the contrary...lol!

I'll bet that if you could look inside their heads.....they feel just as confused and conflicted as you do.....plus, they are still developing and may not even have the verbal skills to express all that they feel. Then, of course, on top of it all is the inevitable struggle with "Independence Vs. Dependency"....that causes growing pains and seperation anxiety between parent and child....even in the most Normal Rockwell families.

Katchie....out of curiosity (mine..lol)....have they ever made any comments about why they would rather be at his house rather than yours? Any clues? Not that you necessarily need to change anything.
I do understand how difficult this period of great change is for you.
I hope that you can refrain from personalizing it too much. I think you sound like a very caring and loving mom....and, one day, I believe that they will realize that...and, that they are lucky to have such a mom!

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Old 09-10-2015, 12:42 PM
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Dandy, they've said its more comfortable at their dads house. Of course it is, I remodeled it last year and its beautiful! Its 3400sqft compared to 1300 -- what's not to love! I would have stayed in the home and I know that would have made the difference in where the boys stayed, but I couldn't afford the house; they've practically grown up in the home. But, their dad is in early recovery and still a little crazy acting not to mention I know they still are not comfortable being around him unless there is something material they are wanting. My ex has always been good at buying them things.
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