FireSprite

We go through a million of those tiny baby steps in the process of recovery & they all help, they're all necessary... but some resonate for each of us more than others depending on our individual perspectives & situations.

While I am grateful for all the detachment skills I've learned, acronyms that sometimes keep me sane, talk of resentments & expectations & red flags, visualizations of hardware stores & oxygen masks.... they aren't the things I credit with my growth.


But -

• Sitting with uncomfortable feelings? Wowzers. That definitely showed me a lot about myself that I wasn't seeing. I wonder how many times I reminded myself that no one has ever, in the history of time, died from discomfort? I had no idea it could be so physically & mentally disconcerting to just sit with uncomfortable feelings.
  
• Stopping Apologizing - HUGE! I was mortified that RAH was the one to point this out to me in very, very early recovery. I had gotten to a point where I somehow managed to work the word "sorry" into the beginning of nearly every interaction. Subconsciously I was hearing myself accept responsibility for things that had nothing to do with me every time I started a sentence with "I'm sorry..."
  
• Realizing that even though RAH & I faced the "same" problems, we often required different solutions stopped me from continuing to try to force everything from my side of things & the resulting frustrations when it just. wouldn't. ever. work.
  
• Silence. I had lost sight of what a blessing it really is to have complete silence occasionally. I had forgotten how AWESOME it is to just sit in silence & observe the world around me - shifting my focus like that allowed those deeper, buried thoughts to start bubbling & rising because I was finally hearing them.
  
• Humility - reaching for & accepting help, realizing I'm not the first or last to face these types of demons in my life; that I'm not especially stupid or naïve (nor is my story particularly unique) and I can benefit from the shared knowledge from others that have gotten to a healthier place in all of this. Humility keeps me open minded to new ideas & tools.
  
• Self honesty - even if/when I'm willing to lie to "YOU", I am honest with ME. No lies inside of my head, not intentionally.
  
• Saying "Yes" - I don't know when "No" started to be my automated response to every question or invitation, but it did. I had to force myself to say yes, force myself to follow through after I had. Force myself to stay there once I arrived & not run back to my sanctuary (prison?)to hide.
  
• Acceptance that Recovery is a lifelong process for me - this isn't something I will ever be "done" doing. This isn't a process with an end because it actually binds itself to who I am & shows itself in healthy behaviors, self-confidence & balance.
  
• Absolutes don't exist - nothing is "always" or "never" in this dynamic. And when I'm starting to think that way, it's a good sign something is lacking in my program at the moment..... it's a sign to look inward at what is driving such an emphatic opinion.
  
• Words really do manifest our intentions - say it, write it, own it. It doesn't have to be perfect - the Universe doesn't speak English (as one of my meditation mentors always says), but it hears our intentions perfectly no matter how clumsily we express them.
  
• Whatever has "broken" you, won't "fix" you. No matter what. We don't need those that caused us pain to validate our hurts for them to be real or acceptable.

How about you all? What has shown you the most about yourself through all of this? What has allowed you the greatest growth?

Kboys

Wow, awesome post Firesprite! Thanks

I look forward to seeing what others have to add...

Wisconsin

Self honesty is a big one for me. Particularly, being honest with myself about how manipulative I can be. It was not my "people skills." It was not me "massaging a situation" for the better. It was (and sometimes, still is) me saying and doing things specifically designed to get people to do what I want them to do, whether or not they really want to do it. Coming to terms with that was a critical step for me, and made it MUCH easier for me to just start accepting people (and many situations) as they are.

The other thing that I think made a profound difference in my own recovery was changing jobs/careers. I was abjectly miserable as a private practice attorney, and have found professional contentment that I never even imagined was possible in my government job. That happy accident made it much easier for me to start taking a harder look at my personal life, and myself in my personal life.

firebolt

Yeah - this is go great and I love your points!

Reading the daily Language of Letting Go's are such a good reminder to me. It keeps recovery front and center for me once a day - gives me something to think on, and how it applies in my life.

People in recovery around me - here and IRL. Talking the talk helps me to walk the walk.

Second guessing myself - my intentions and my actions. Not like in the old way - "am I crazy or is he crazy" but in the recovery way. "What is my goal in saying this, are my intentions in my best interest, is this what I REALLY want?"

Gratitude! The more I think about mentally pinpointing it, the more I actually HAVE it.

Remembering that nothing is that big of a deal and letting go of control. I am small potatoes - important, but small potatoes. Therefore traffic offenses, the color that someone wants their logo to be (i'm in the graphic design field), gossip, where we meet for dinner, etc etc really aren't worth fighting anyone on. Remembering that happiness, peace, serenity are much more important to me now than any of that schtuff.

Next up - I need to actually work the steps, rather than just learn about them and follow them. Can't wait to see where it takes me!

FireSprite

Ouch! Wish I didn't relate to this one so much.....

Great point about the job - I changed jobs just before my world fell to pieces & I know it was the best place for me to be in while I was going through all of this. My last employer was a negative force & it was taking all of my energy just to stay sane, work ALWAYS went home with me emotionally & mentally. I made a lateral move - changing industries completely & it was terrifying but paid off more than just financially!


How could I forget this??!! You're right, I won't go so far as to say I was ungrateful for things in life but I had forgotten the habit of noticing it & acknowledging it. The more I pay attention to it, the more I have to be grateful for!

Katchie

The things that have helped me the most on my recovery road and still do is talking about it. For so long my lips were zipped; I couldn't say to anyone that my husband was an alcoholic.

Secondly, crying. Crying ALOT. I didn't allow myself to cry about it. I let it all build up.

I think on both of these points, bottling words and tears, I made myself physically ill. Most of those sypmtoms are gone and when I need to talk about it, I do; when I need to cry, I do. This has made a huge difference for me physically and emotionally.

I'm sure I could sit and think of more, but these two items popped into my head first!

meggem

I love your emoticon with the popcorn and yesterday deep down I was laughing at the emoticon you used about your sister..This one--->

I'm still a newbie but I'll chime in and mention something that would get me through the hour.

"More Will Be Revealed"

That was a bell ringer for me.

LifeRecovery

Sitting with and allowing myself to feel my feelings.......regardless of what they are. This may be in therapy, meditating or as I have gotten better in a meeting or in an interaction with a friend. I did not allow myself feelings for so long that I was pretty shut down.

I still don't always know what to do with them, but I am pretty willing to have them most of the time.

SmallButMighty

This whole thread really resonates with me. Thank you all for sharing.

This, especially...
Something I am still struggling with and needed reminding of. Thank you!

hexx

Being honest with myself has been a huge thing for me. It has helped me take a personal inventory and really made me look at where the healing needs to take place. (It has also helped me see my strengths as well.)

Also, realizing that I was always angry. My 7 year old DD has helped me the most with that. There are times when I hear my words coming from her mouth and it sounds horrible. It has really helped me think about where that anger is coming from and healing it.

stephendu

Knowing that I'm no longer an alcoholic nor am I in recovery has really helped me move on.

iamthird

I rarely post anymore either but I feel strongly about this...it really is taking our own inventory and realizing we are/were just as sick as our A's. Once I started realizing how unhealthy my behavior was by accepting his...I started to heal. I dont post anymore really because I was always complaining about HIM when I had my own work to do. So instead of venting, I just look inward because that is all I have control of is me....my life has been so much more peaceful.

Liveitwell

^^^ this!!!!! We lived in our own denial that we didn't have problems-it was them! Accepting our character defects and looking inward has brought me much needed peace-regardless of how he chooses to act. Ive learned that NO is a complete sentence and how to maintain my boundaries amidst the chaos he tries to bring to my life. I've also learned to own my choices and behaviors-years of hard work rewiring a brain that grew up in dysfunction. I've learned to let others own their choices and consequences from those choices-they have nothing to do with me, are not a reflection on me and are just theirs. Period. Praying for my ex has brought me a lot of peace. Forgiving what he's done and who he's turned into-the more he spirals, threatens, tries to control and manipulate, the more I turn to God with prayer and petition. At my Bible study we talked about the story in the Bible about Jesus wanting to heal an angry sick man-He tried but the man didn't want to be healed. I heard God loud and clear!!!
This is a great thread-and I've enjoyed reading all your responses! Peace to you tonight

knowthetriggers

Hmmm - I have a few...

Daily Readings and sharing always help.

But I didn't have my "break thru" moment until recently. This echos from other posters about being honest with myself and I mean HONEST.

I have come to realize that I am the abuser in our relationship. I manipulate everything to be MY way. My abuse can be verbal and relentless at times.

Like others have mentioned, I used to post and post and post, and complain all about the AH until I finally said, enough - I need to work on myself because I am miserable.

Yes, I slip back and I have my moments but I quickly make amends and move on with a better attitude.

Gone are the days of making myself crazy with "how can I make this or that better".

I guess the old saying is right "The truth shall set you free".

Being honest with myself has really set me free.

TidyTeal

When H died I was just lost. I had had no idea just how much of my life was wrapped up in his doctors, his meds, refereeing medical information, billing, what he liked on TV, what he felt like doing, or could do, mealtimes, food preferences.My T asked me what I like? I was very silent, I honestly didn't know.

All I could answer was now I could have cauliflower when I wanted too?

I couldn't even be sad for myself, cause no feelings were there at all. I was just confused. It was just like I'd been asked to explain particle physics.

Altho I'm just starting I am trying to just have feelings. When something comes up I let them happen an not run away in my head, or get busy to avoid them. What helps is something my grandson says....face your fears! It's ok Gram!! Face your fears!!!

healthyagain

1) Minimum contact with my husband. I am learning every day that this one is a must. It was not only alcoholism, it was a fake reality of living with him, mind games, emotional and verbal abuse. It is interesting how everything went down for our relationship with detachment. And I did not even do much. Just started refusing talking to him when drunk, tried to avoid arguments, stopped cooking, went for walks more often. Not sleeping in the same bed came naturally, but he was never really bothered by this one.

2) Reconnecting with people, and by this I do not mean only the old friends or family, but really getting out there, outside the isolation, meeting neighbors, and saying a simple hi.

3) Doing chores - now, this is something I truly enjoy doing at my little den. I love keeping it clean, so when I come home, it is just so nice and cozy. And I love decorating it. I am doing some drawings at the moment, and figuring out what to put where. And rearranging furniture. My place is really small, so I was trying to find that perfect arrangement and am very happy with what I have so far. All this is so relaxing.

4) There is more time for everything. For work, for rest, for doing absolutely nothing, for pampering myself.

5) I started cooking again and my old eating schedule is back. Meaning, lunch (big meal) around the noon, and small dinner in the evening.

It seems like my old self and the old habits are slowly coming back. And it is very enjoyable to feel this.

FireSprite

You guys are so inspiring! I definitely see a recurring theme here with the practice of self-honesty. I agree with you all that truly seeing myself for what & who I am (including the ugly, raw bits that I dislike) led me to a sort of an internal paradigm shift. I was pretty shocked at how I'd been justifying my own behaviors & thought processes. It took me even longer to see how it was tied to the inherited ACOA habit of using the wrong labels/definitions for things in my life.... which is why I never caught on that I was lying to myself.


Meg - the funniest part is that I really DID make that face, lol.

Oh, the purging, yes, yes, yes!

I also purged my physical space - rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets, drawers & sheds & reorganizing one room at a time.

I'm adding Sleep to my list - true, deep, restful sleep was so healing for me. I think that after living in an extended crisis state & running on adrenaline for so long, I wasn't ever sleeping so much as "passing out".... not the same at all. Sleep is needed for healing, no way around it!

Wisconsin

I constantly excused my own bad behavior because it wasn't "as bad" as whatever I thought somebody else was doing. Once I made that determination in my own mind, I never gave my own bad behavior a second thought. It was an excuse to avoid any meaningful self-examination.

FireSprite

I blameshifted, a LOT.

I only did "this" because you did "that". I wouldn't have said that if you hadn't said ________ first.

I HAD to do that because of {this dynamic}, what else was I SUPPOSED to do??

I really DIDN'T see that there were other choices/options until I started listening more to others that had survived these stages of early recovery. They were calm, they were happy; they had to have stumbled onto something that I hadn't.

firebolt

Oh yeah on the blame shifting - my actions are just a REACTION to your BS!

lol - wow...