Kys

It's been a while since I've posted on SR (too long really!).

I've been in a really positive relationship for a while now and I'm living with my partner. I've mentioned here before that in general I sometimes experience a bit of anxiety that can play out in my being obsessive in behaviour and getting 'caught' on things (stuck in a loop so to speak). I've seen someone about this over the years (and still check in) and have had great success in lessening the anxiety (especially the panic attacks and worry, but I still carry an obsessive side though not as much). Not surprisingly the anxiety was tied in with my drinking.

Before I met my partner I used to drink alone every night. When I finally started to stop I had to be really selfish and focus FULLY on myself, (which wasn't an issue as it was just me and I wasn't impacting anyone else).

Given I'm in a relationship now though I of course I have to consider both myself and my partner (that's what a relationship is). Even know I have a really relaxed and supportive partner I can't of course shut them out and focus on just me like I used to, as was my 'go-to' strategy to get me through staying sober.

Not sure if this makes sense but I'm curious if anyone can relate. Overall this largely comes back to my being obsessive at times, i.e. when it was just me I could 'control' my environment more (by that I mean I'd have my own 'standard' of tidyness, or what household items would go where etc.). As silly as it might sound that sense of calm and control made it easier to focus on myself and so fight through urges, and stay sober. Now that I don't have that same 'control' and I can often struggle again.

I'd often sit on the SR forums for hours every night in the early days (as soon as I got home until I went to bed), but even that's not something I can realistically do as much. I feel bad even writing this but it's very much how I feel.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's a sign that I should stay open to meeting other people as maybe there's other scenarios where I'd be more care free with that person and so not feel the need as much for control (and then struggle because I don't feel that way which can lead to drinkng). On the other hand this is part of how I am and could very much be the same with anyone (I've never lived with a partner before this).

Thanks for reading

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Kys. I think one of the keys to any relationship is communication. Have you discussed these concerns with your partner? It's entirely possible that they would be fine with you spending time to yourself working on the things to work on. It's also possible to find new ways to work on your sobriety that can involve your partner, or at least coincide with time spend together. Either way, why not have a talk about it?

ardy

that is so true open communication on everything. all the time.. ardy

Kys

You're both right and I'm probably over thinking things. My partner is really open and understanding, and after checking in here I've revisited some of the conversations we've already had about this, a while ago.

Feels better.

Overall my life has moved forward and changed for the better. Part of me will always miss some of those times before this new chapter now, but again I don't need to be so black and white about things either, I'm still the same me and incredibly lucky to have what I do now. Nothing of the above has been taken away, but with these changes in my life especially I can get absolute in my thinking sometimes, which can be ok for certain things (not drinking!) but for other things like being in a realtionship that way of thinking can sometimes get in the way - I'm the one setting limits on myself, where really I don't have to (and that came out in the conversation I had with my partner too!!

Again I feel better about things now and will check back on this post next time I find myself getting caught up. So thankful for SR. It's so great to get things out and get people's insight who can relate over a common problem.