InTheEnd

driving home from the gym last night. Running and working out sometimes brings my emotions that I bury to the surface. This really is a good thing for me. My entire life....I've buried, then I burst (add alcohol to that "burst" and its not pretty....I'm sorta like a Gremlin with water!) So physical activity breaks my barriers down and allows me to feel.

Anyway, I was feeling good after a great workout but my mind started wandering. I've had a drinking problem for almost 30 years, but over the last 10 years, I've basically just existed, not lived. I was isolated, only going out when I had to and drinking my wine every night like clockwork..........and hating myself for it. Before this last 10 years, I was able to "burn the candle at both ends". I could drink, go out (still had episodes of being a mess, but wasn't constant back then). But also, I could work out, hungover or not. To be honest, I was a fitness competitor! Funny huh?!?!?!?! My body was in tip-top shape, but my mind was in shambles.

So, back to the drive home. I started thinking how I've wasted my life. No husband, grown daughter, not many real friends, missed opportunities galore.....the normal crap. But also, how I wasted all that hard work I had done physically.

I started feeling sorry for myself (just like when I was drinking) for what I never was or became. The guilt, shame and worthlessness came pouring in my mind.......At this point, I would usually think "I don't care, I'm 50 and have no life left to look forward to anyway. It wouldn't really matter if you keeled over now....no one would care" I wasn't really suicidal but I guess just accepting the fact that my life was over and I just had to exist until the end....if that makes any sense.

BUT, something different happened this time - without my sober mind trying to talk it away. Instantaneous. I was at the stop-light, and right in the middle of these negative thoughts, I looked up to the sky, and thought, "I don't want to die". It sorta shocked me into reality. Then I said it out loud, almost screaming it. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I burst out in tears, truly realizing that I don't want to waste my life away in a bottle. I want to live! I haven't felt that in 10 years. I apologized to God (not that religious but do believe), not for my past issues, but for my past thoughts. I told Him I was sorry for not believing in myself and for wanting to die all these years. I'm sorry I lost my way. I'm sorry.....that was all I could think in my head after this. I AM SORRY....to myself, to my daughter, to everyone who I've affected in a negative way because I was drinking.

Then, a sense of relief and contentment rushed over me. I was sorry and it's time to let it go. To forgive myself and to move forward.

I do like me, I'm worth it. I'm worth the fight back to humanity. I deserve it. WE ALL DO!

I don't know what this was, but it sure felt like something special.

I want to live....

Dee74

Great post InTheEnd

reclaim that life

D

Bird615

That sounds like some kind of an awakening to me.
Yes, you are very worth it and now you can move forward into something new and even better!

IOAA2

Hi.

This in AA is called a spiritual experience, a period where there is a big opening it seems in our soul that’s suddenly open to be filled with good thoughts and deeds.
Mine came when after a long time trying to stop I became desperate, not being religious, said out loud “God please help me stop drinking.” That was a lot of years ago but I haven’t had a drink since.

BE WELL

aasharon90

We never have to go thru anything
in life alone again. Knowing and believing
in the Man upstairs is with us, with me,
with you is soooooo awesomely comforting.

This spiritual feeling carries me, you,
us along in our recovery journey, strengthening,
guiding, protecting with each and every
step we take, decisions made, moments
cherished, appreciated, being always
grateful for in life.

Emotions in tears wash away the
guilt, shame, remorse or sins of
the past due to our illness, sickness,
addiction and strengthen us to
stand in quiet confidence within
ourselves.

Quiet confidence within ourselves
is the Spirit that fills us from head
to toe and to face all obsticals in our
path that block the Sunlight that keeps
us from gowing healthy, happy and
honest in our lives.

I too have have shed many tears in
the past but with my recovery program
taught to me and incorperated in all
areas of my life have strengthen me
to become the best person I can possibly
be today.

You, we, us are on our way united
in recovery and in fellowship.

Good Job.!!!

entropy1964

I so relate to this post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I too am 50. Not a competitive athelete or anything, but very 'health' minded....um, except for that massive booze 'thing'. Really ironic huh? I'll avoid holding a thermal printed receipt because of the BPA contamination but will dump mass quantities of a neuro toxin down my throat. Ahhh, that makes perfect sense

I too have felt the *uck it, I'll just get my daughter all raised and then ride off into the sunset, booze in hand. Ugh. So self indulgent really. When I hear your words I think 'She's young. She's got everything to live for'. Well, I guess I am, and I do too.

Thanks for sharing.

Opivotal

Wonderful post, InTheEnd.

ccam1973

Fantastic post Intheend! It's amazing what we miss out on when we spend a day, month, year, decade lost in a bottle.

That was one of my big reasons for quitting. I lost out on 20+ years of memories and I'm not losing any more due to alcohol.

Way to go!

InTheEnd

Thanks y'all! Its so wonderful here on SR with such a great group of people. And so wonderful to be sober.

Have a great day!

Upwardspiral

Great post!
I'm finally learning there is much more to it than just laying off the bottle. Delving into the spiritual world is when life really starts to change.

thomas11

Good Lord InTheend, I broke down reading your OP. Could have written it myself. But you did it better.