Need advise as to how best to handle this with a friend
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Need advise as to how best to handle this with a friend
Ok so I've known this friend for many years prob about 20 years. We lost touch mostly due to me and my insecurities of feeling people didn't want to be friends with me so I shut people out. Anyway we have met up a few times over the years but more so recently and it's been nice spending time with her. I've apologised to her for losing touch with her. Recently I've been suggesting we meet up for coffee and either she doesn't reply or says she will let me know but doesn't. I know she's busy she has 3 young children. And is currently off work sick with anxiety. I've. Said about calling up to her, she previously said I could call. Told her I'm here for her.
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
You have let her know you are there, B. Try to let go of the outcome.
For what it is worth, if she has debilitating anxiety and three young children I am sure she has more on her plate than she can handle, and her inability to engage right now with you has everything to do with that and nothing to do with you. I understand you want to help, but you have to let her be the one to ask for it. She may, she may not. You will have done what you could without being intrusive.
For what it is worth, if she has debilitating anxiety and three young children I am sure she has more on her plate than she can handle, and her inability to engage right now with you has everything to do with that and nothing to do with you. I understand you want to help, but you have to let her be the one to ask for it. She may, she may not. You will have done what you could without being intrusive.
Let it go. Many times people have crap going on they don't want to talk about - if she is dealing with anxiety don't pressure her to explain anything.
Perhaps it would be good to get involved with something that you can meet some new friends and not deal with old garbage.
Perhaps it would be good to get involved with something that you can meet some new friends and not deal with old garbage.
Butterfly, repeat after me. "Everything isn't about me."
You know how you said there were times you shut other people out of your life because of how YOU were feeling? Other people do that, too.
You've extended your hand, allow her the dignity of deciding whether that's what she wants or needs right now. You don't have to climb inside her head and analyze it. Give it a few months and call her again. Maybe things will have changed for her by then. Maybe not.
In my own experience, people don't spend NEARLY the amount of time thinking about me that I think they do.
You know how you said there were times you shut other people out of your life because of how YOU were feeling? Other people do that, too.
You've extended your hand, allow her the dignity of deciding whether that's what she wants or needs right now. You don't have to climb inside her head and analyze it. Give it a few months and call her again. Maybe things will have changed for her by then. Maybe not.
In my own experience, people don't spend NEARLY the amount of time thinking about me that I think they do.
Great advice above just adding my take on it too.
I have a friend who I have become reacquainted with after 20 years. She is a lovely person, is single, no kids and is often wanting to meet up.
I am married with three children, I work part time and I care for my Dad who has alziehmers. I get the feeling from my friend that she thinks I just don't have time for her, this is so far from the truth, the simple reason is between my children, my husband, my work and caring for my Dad I truly don't have very much time to myself at all.
When I am free to meet she is at work and vice versa.
It really is that simple, from my side anyway. I only see my best friend about three times a year due to both of our commitments so personally I wouldn't read too far into it...but maybe that's just me.
Hopefully by now you are feeling better about the whole thing.
Take care Phiz
I have a friend who I have become reacquainted with after 20 years. She is a lovely person, is single, no kids and is often wanting to meet up.
I am married with three children, I work part time and I care for my Dad who has alziehmers. I get the feeling from my friend that she thinks I just don't have time for her, this is so far from the truth, the simple reason is between my children, my husband, my work and caring for my Dad I truly don't have very much time to myself at all.
When I am free to meet she is at work and vice versa.
It really is that simple, from my side anyway. I only see my best friend about three times a year due to both of our commitments so personally I wouldn't read too far into it...but maybe that's just me.
Hopefully by now you are feeling better about the whole thing.
Take care Phiz
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I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
If you haven't read it before, I'd recommend this book as some required reading. There is a lot of advice in there about relationships, but there's an equal amount of advice regarding the concept of self-love and self-worth originating from within yourself, rather than being something that someone else gives to you.
That being said, I'd tend to agree with what was already said by SparkleKitty, red, and Lexie. One friend of mine has a wife who has crippling anxiety as well, and quite often it prevents him from coming out to pre-planned events such as hiking and camping with his friends. It's not about his wife's perception of me. And even if it were, that is no reason for me to feel insecure. I am living within the limits of my moral and spiritual code. I am taking care of my health, making sure I eat and rest properly. I make sure that the entertainment I seek out fits within the direction of my moral compass. That is good enough for me.
(((Butterfly)))
Great advice from everybody else, I don't have much to add, but I struggle with this as well.. I think we all do, or have at some point, to some degree.
Like Lexie said though, "everything isn't about me." I have to remind myself of this often.
Everybody has their own stuff going on... and it's almost never personal...
even if it was, like Thomas said,... so what?
You're a great person. You are beautiful.
You are intelligent, caring and compassionate- I've seen those qualities in your posts- and you are doing your best every day! And that is awesome
Great advice from everybody else, I don't have much to add, but I struggle with this as well.. I think we all do, or have at some point, to some degree.
Like Lexie said though, "everything isn't about me." I have to remind myself of this often.
Everybody has their own stuff going on... and it's almost never personal...
even if it was, like Thomas said,... so what?
You're a great person. You are beautiful.
You are intelligent, caring and compassionate- I've seen those qualities in your posts- and you are doing your best every day! And that is awesome
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone, I keep saying to myself let it go and let God, which has helped me recently. She replied to my text about meeting up and she couldn't so I told her to contact me if she wanted to meet up and if she needed to talk I was here for her. I've left it at that and will see what happens.
I know that not everything is about me and I do understand what she is going through and I try to think about how it may be for her and what she is going through I guess I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Sorry I know I must sound pretty selfish
I know that not everything is about me and I do understand what she is going through and I try to think about how it may be for her and what she is going through I guess I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Sorry I know I must sound pretty selfish
[QUOTEI know that not everything is about me and I do understand what she is going through and I try to think about how it may be for her and what she is going through I guess I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!][/QUOTE]
I think this is what Lexiecat was talking about..............
I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Insecurities can destroy all of our relationships if we let it.
I think this is what Lexiecat was talking about..............
I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Insecurities can destroy all of our relationships if we let it.
Here's one other thing to consider. When you ask people if you've done something to somehow put them off, you are putting a burden on them for the sake of making yourself feel better. I'm not saying this to lay another guilt trip on you--it's just another reason for you to find other ways of making yourself feel OK about yourself.
You know how we talk about our inability to MAKE other people feel better--that it's not our job to make sure other people are emotionally OK at all times? It works both ways. Other people can't be responsible for how we feel all the time, either.
Part of your challenge, now that you're apart from your ex, is to learn to stand on your own feet--let go of the need to make sure everyone is feeling OK, and let go of the need to have them reassure you that you're OK. It kind of seems like you're trying to replace the enmeshed relationship you had with your ex with an enmeshment with other people. A healthy sense of detachment is very useful in all KINDS of relationships--even those with people we're fond of.
You know how we talk about our inability to MAKE other people feel better--that it's not our job to make sure other people are emotionally OK at all times? It works both ways. Other people can't be responsible for how we feel all the time, either.
Part of your challenge, now that you're apart from your ex, is to learn to stand on your own feet--let go of the need to make sure everyone is feeling OK, and let go of the need to have them reassure you that you're OK. It kind of seems like you're trying to replace the enmeshed relationship you had with your ex with an enmeshment with other people. A healthy sense of detachment is very useful in all KINDS of relationships--even those with people we're fond of.
you may find this article by Eckart Tolle helpful:
Free Yourself from Your Ego Armor
Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth, explains how to break through the shell that separates you from your true self.
Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity—and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth.
One way to think about ego is as a protective heavy shell, such as the kind some animals have, like a big beetle. This protective shell works like armor to cut you off from other people and the outside world. What I mean by shell is a sense of separation: Here's me and there's the rest of the universe and other people. The ego likes to emphasize the "otherness" of others.
This sense of separation is an intrinsic part of the ego. The ego loves to strengthen itself by complaining—either in thoughts or words—about other people, the situation you find yourself in, something that is happening right now but "shouldn't be," and even about yourself. For example, when you're in a long line at the supermarket, your mind might start complaining how slow the checkout person is, how he should be doing this or doing that, or he failed to do anything at all—including packing the bag of the person ahead of you correctly.
When this happens, the ego has you in its grip. You don't have thoughts; the thoughts have you—and if you want to be free, you have to understand that the voice in your head has created them and irritation and upset you feel is the emotional response to that voice Only in this way can you be present to the truer world around you and see the golden shade in a pound of pears on the scanner, or the delight of a child in line who begs to eat them.The trick, of course, is to work to free ourselves from this armor and from this voice that is dictating reality.
Observe Your Mind
The first foundational step is to become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think, especially negative thoughts: irritation, anger, impatience and perhaps even some kind of sadness. You might, for example, complain about yourself, how useless you are. If you start to hear these repetitive thoughts, then you will suddenly realize, "I've been thinking these same thoughts again and again almost every day without really knowing it."
Distinguish Between the Voice of Ego and the Actual Situation
Awareness is the beginning of becoming free of the ego because then you realize that your thoughts—and the negative emotions they produce—are dysfunctional and unnecessary. For example, let's go back to the supermarket line. As you stand waiting, you aren't actually irritated because it's taking a long time to get through to the checkout, which is the situation. You are irritated by what your mind is telling you about the situation—which is that all this waiting is bad and a waste of your time. But you could actually be enjoying that moment if you say, "This is simply what is. There's nothing I can do about it, so why not breathe in deeply and look around and enjoy the world around me?"
Let Go of Limiting Stories
Sometimes the danger is not even pessimistic thought. If, for instance, you have been let go from your job, you might so resist being negative that you say, "It's a great thing that I lost my job!" That kind of willful optimism is not necessary. We hold on to the fairy tale of supposed happiness—that we should be happy. But this keeps you stuck where you are. Instead, try to describe only what is happening, without judgment: I do not have a job. I must look for one.
Bring In Your Awareness
When you see the difference between your voice and the reality of the situation, that's the beginning of awakening. This is often a moment—a flash that sizzles and disappears. Initially you still lose yourself again, and the old thoughts arise, but gradually, you gain awareness, and the dysfunctional thoughts subside. It's a gradual transition, this bringing in of your awareness, because the ego doesn't want to change. It doesn't want to disappear, so it will give you plenty of reasons why you cannot be present.
Lay Down Your Weapons
Your challenge will be to become more aligned internally with the present moment. Fighting with your ego by will just makes it stronger. By declaring war on it, you make an enemy. A simple example: You wake up in the morning, and it's raining and gray, and the mind says, "What a miserable day," and this is not a pleasant thought. You likely feel some emotion: dread, disappointment, unhappiness. You suddenly realize that your judgment of what kind of day it will be is based on a mental habit, an unconscious default. That simple awareness creates space for a new thought to emerge. You can look again out the window without that preconception and just see the sky. It's gray. There's some sunlight filtering through the sky. There are, perhaps, raindrops falling. It's not actually miserable at all. It has a certain beauty. Then suddenly, you're free. You're no longer imposing something on reality, and you're free to enjoy what, previously, you had rejected.
To learn more about the ego, overcoming adversity and creating inner peace and meaning in your life visit EckhartTolleTV.com.
Read more: Eckhart Tolle on How to Free Yourself from Your Ego Armor
Free Yourself from Your Ego Armor
Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth, explains how to break through the shell that separates you from your true self.
Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity—and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth.
One way to think about ego is as a protective heavy shell, such as the kind some animals have, like a big beetle. This protective shell works like armor to cut you off from other people and the outside world. What I mean by shell is a sense of separation: Here's me and there's the rest of the universe and other people. The ego likes to emphasize the "otherness" of others.
This sense of separation is an intrinsic part of the ego. The ego loves to strengthen itself by complaining—either in thoughts or words—about other people, the situation you find yourself in, something that is happening right now but "shouldn't be," and even about yourself. For example, when you're in a long line at the supermarket, your mind might start complaining how slow the checkout person is, how he should be doing this or doing that, or he failed to do anything at all—including packing the bag of the person ahead of you correctly.
When this happens, the ego has you in its grip. You don't have thoughts; the thoughts have you—and if you want to be free, you have to understand that the voice in your head has created them and irritation and upset you feel is the emotional response to that voice Only in this way can you be present to the truer world around you and see the golden shade in a pound of pears on the scanner, or the delight of a child in line who begs to eat them.The trick, of course, is to work to free ourselves from this armor and from this voice that is dictating reality.
Observe Your Mind
The first foundational step is to become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think, especially negative thoughts: irritation, anger, impatience and perhaps even some kind of sadness. You might, for example, complain about yourself, how useless you are. If you start to hear these repetitive thoughts, then you will suddenly realize, "I've been thinking these same thoughts again and again almost every day without really knowing it."
Distinguish Between the Voice of Ego and the Actual Situation
Awareness is the beginning of becoming free of the ego because then you realize that your thoughts—and the negative emotions they produce—are dysfunctional and unnecessary. For example, let's go back to the supermarket line. As you stand waiting, you aren't actually irritated because it's taking a long time to get through to the checkout, which is the situation. You are irritated by what your mind is telling you about the situation—which is that all this waiting is bad and a waste of your time. But you could actually be enjoying that moment if you say, "This is simply what is. There's nothing I can do about it, so why not breathe in deeply and look around and enjoy the world around me?"
Let Go of Limiting Stories
Sometimes the danger is not even pessimistic thought. If, for instance, you have been let go from your job, you might so resist being negative that you say, "It's a great thing that I lost my job!" That kind of willful optimism is not necessary. We hold on to the fairy tale of supposed happiness—that we should be happy. But this keeps you stuck where you are. Instead, try to describe only what is happening, without judgment: I do not have a job. I must look for one.
Bring In Your Awareness
When you see the difference between your voice and the reality of the situation, that's the beginning of awakening. This is often a moment—a flash that sizzles and disappears. Initially you still lose yourself again, and the old thoughts arise, but gradually, you gain awareness, and the dysfunctional thoughts subside. It's a gradual transition, this bringing in of your awareness, because the ego doesn't want to change. It doesn't want to disappear, so it will give you plenty of reasons why you cannot be present.
Lay Down Your Weapons
Your challenge will be to become more aligned internally with the present moment. Fighting with your ego by will just makes it stronger. By declaring war on it, you make an enemy. A simple example: You wake up in the morning, and it's raining and gray, and the mind says, "What a miserable day," and this is not a pleasant thought. You likely feel some emotion: dread, disappointment, unhappiness. You suddenly realize that your judgment of what kind of day it will be is based on a mental habit, an unconscious default. That simple awareness creates space for a new thought to emerge. You can look again out the window without that preconception and just see the sky. It's gray. There's some sunlight filtering through the sky. There are, perhaps, raindrops falling. It's not actually miserable at all. It has a certain beauty. Then suddenly, you're free. You're no longer imposing something on reality, and you're free to enjoy what, previously, you had rejected.
To learn more about the ego, overcoming adversity and creating inner peace and meaning in your life visit EckhartTolleTV.com.
Read more: Eckhart Tolle on How to Free Yourself from Your Ego Armor
I know that not everything is about me and I do understand what she is going through and I try to think about how it may be for her and what she is going through I guess I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
I think this is what Lexiecat was talking about..............
I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Insecurities can destroy all of our relationships if we let it.[/QUOTE]
I think this is what Lexiecat was talking about..............
I just keep coming back to it being my fault!!
Insecurities can destroy all of our relationships if we let it.[/QUOTE]
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone, kboys, atalose, Lexie and anvil.
Anvil I really appreciate your post and I think I will add eckhart to my ever growing reading list. Your post was very helpful.
Lexie your right, I didn't think of it that way before in that my insecurities place a burden on them just so I will feel good, and I. Sure it can get pretty annoying and frustrating for those who are friends with me, especially old friends that I become reacquainted with!!
I will keep that in mind Lexie thank you
Anvil I really appreciate your post and I think I will add eckhart to my ever growing reading list. Your post was very helpful.
Lexie your right, I didn't think of it that way before in that my insecurities place a burden on them just so I will feel good, and I. Sure it can get pretty annoying and frustrating for those who are friends with me, especially old friends that I become reacquainted with!!
I will keep that in mind Lexie thank you
Butterfly - I have a friend that ha some of your issues. I love her to death - but for a while I could not hang with her. if I didn't respond to her immediately, if I had to cancel something, if I wasn't able to schedule to meet she freaked out. "What have I done? Are you upset with me? You aren't mad at me are you?
DO you see that this ceases to be a friendship rather becomes a job? While I feel her thoughts were authentic it came across to me as exhausting, and a waste of time to constantly reassure. Then I started getting mad, so in the end it becomes what you think it is in the first place, but wasn't. No, I don't want to be around someone who pisses me off, I just want to be friends. Eventually, I distanced from the friendship because my ever changing schedule made me cringe if I had to change our plans.
Still cared about her though, and we have seen each other. She doesn't do that anymore I don't know what changed, and I don't ask.
DO you see that this ceases to be a friendship rather becomes a job? While I feel her thoughts were authentic it came across to me as exhausting, and a waste of time to constantly reassure. Then I started getting mad, so in the end it becomes what you think it is in the first place, but wasn't. No, I don't want to be around someone who pisses me off, I just want to be friends. Eventually, I distanced from the friendship because my ever changing schedule made me cringe if I had to change our plans.
Still cared about her though, and we have seen each other. She doesn't do that anymore I don't know what changed, and I don't ask.
Psssst, Butterfly--I think your HP sent you this reading from "The Language of Letting Go" for tomorrow:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5550493
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5550493
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you red your post really hit home and I don't want my friends to not want to be around me. I know my seeking reassurance must be difficult for them and now I see very clearly why old friend didn't want to be friends it was too difficult for him to be around me with me being so needy and insecure constantly wanting reassurance.
I know my insecurities are difficult for people but there was something about your post that really hit!! Thank you.
Honeypig yes I think he did, thank you I'm going to print that out and keep it with me.
I know my insecurities are difficult for people but there was something about your post that really hit!! Thank you.
Honeypig yes I think he did, thank you I'm going to print that out and keep it with me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Butterfly,
I would encourage you to think about your statement that you let friendships go in the past, because of insecurities. Maybe, just maybe she has the same challenge?
I am just like the person you write about. When I tell people that I would love to get together with them for coffee, movie and so forth I fully intend to do so. However, when the time comes I will think of any excuse not to. I suddenly become filled with anxiety and it overwhelms me so I cancel. Or, I don't respond when I receive a text or phone call to confirm.
Most people have given up on me and don't ask anymore. Or, if I suggest a get together will smile and say nothing. If it wasn't for work I would probably never leave the house. Except for church, and that is easy because I can blend in.
Occasionally I will bite the bullet and follow through with a meeting, and I am ALWAYS so glad that I did, I leave our get together kicking myself for not following through sooner.
Why don't your try something like, hey lets meet up on my lunch hour, from 1-2:30, or something like that. Perhaps it's too overwhelming for her to think it might last forever, and having a time limit won't be so over bearing. For me, this works.
I could be waaaaaay off base, but I am looking at it from my point of view. I know a lot of people say I'm a flake, and, I guess that is true. But, those that love me, know my anxieties and are very patient with me.
Blessings,
I would encourage you to think about your statement that you let friendships go in the past, because of insecurities. Maybe, just maybe she has the same challenge?
I am just like the person you write about. When I tell people that I would love to get together with them for coffee, movie and so forth I fully intend to do so. However, when the time comes I will think of any excuse not to. I suddenly become filled with anxiety and it overwhelms me so I cancel. Or, I don't respond when I receive a text or phone call to confirm.
Most people have given up on me and don't ask anymore. Or, if I suggest a get together will smile and say nothing. If it wasn't for work I would probably never leave the house. Except for church, and that is easy because I can blend in.
Occasionally I will bite the bullet and follow through with a meeting, and I am ALWAYS so glad that I did, I leave our get together kicking myself for not following through sooner.
Why don't your try something like, hey lets meet up on my lunch hour, from 1-2:30, or something like that. Perhaps it's too overwhelming for her to think it might last forever, and having a time limit won't be so over bearing. For me, this works.
I could be waaaaaay off base, but I am looking at it from my point of view. I know a lot of people say I'm a flake, and, I guess that is true. But, those that love me, know my anxieties and are very patient with me.
Blessings,
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi changeneeded thank you for your response.
I did the same for many years agree to things then not follow through, I just couldn't go out, didn't want to leVe stbxah I case he drank or because I was too anxious. I'm sure my friends thought of me as a flake!!
I am better at going out now but it takes a lot of work within me to go.
You will be able to move past this just take it one day at a time ((((hugs))))
I did the same for many years agree to things then not follow through, I just couldn't go out, didn't want to leVe stbxah I case he drank or because I was too anxious. I'm sure my friends thought of me as a flake!!
I am better at going out now but it takes a lot of work within me to go.
You will be able to move past this just take it one day at a time ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Ok so I've known this friend for many years prob about 20 years. We lost touch mostly due to me and my insecurities of feeling people didn't want to be friends with me so I shut people out. Anyway we have met up a few times over the years but more so recently and it's been nice spending time with her. I've apologised to her for losing touch with her. Recently I've been suggesting we meet up for coffee and either she doesn't reply or says she will let me know but doesn't. I know she's busy she has 3 young children. And is currently off work sick with anxiety. I've. Said about calling up to her, she previously said I could call. Told her I'm here for her.
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
We can just make sure we don't judge people, reject or cut them out.
That's all we can do. We can't help if people don't want a relationship with us, we can only make sure WE commit to be a good friend to others, through thick or thin, even when friends go out of their skulls and drive everyone away.
If you focus on being a good friend to yourself first, not judging or dwelling on unforgiveness, then you will help others to do the same and not be so quick to judge or project fear and unforgiveness.
If you are afraid, this can backfire. So admit your feelings and explain you are going through changes and trying to improve, and this has taught you not to judge others when they are going through tough times. Explain you totally understand how people would reject you and not have patience for this, because you are honestly struggling. So that you appreciate people going through the same.
If you express that you are sympathetic, understanding, willing to listen because you respect that and need that also, you might touch on a common thread with her, if she is going through this also.
By being forgiving and understanding of imperfections, this may help her feel safe opening up to you.
Try to connect where you have common experiences you are both working on, support her the way you would want a friend to support you, and see if you can rebuild from there.
Take care and take it slow and easy.
Sometimes we are meant to back off from people and work quietly inward on ourselves, so we lose the motivation or contacts socially we used to have. That is like when someone is recovering in the hospital, needs to rest ALONE, and doesn't need to be running around doing all the social networking and outreach they normally do.
When you are working on recovery, and need to sit still, this may mean going into timeout and focusing on just yourself, without other people to distract you. If you see it as serving good purpose, it won't seem so negative or scary. The mind has a way of healing itself, and sometimes backing off is what it needs to do. Use that time and this state to work quietly on inner thoughts, memories, perceptions and problems of the past, forgiving each one and agreeing to do better.
When you make this commitment to change your thinking from fear to positive acceptance, other ppl read that vibe and accept you more readily when they see you are secure and at peace with where you are in life, even if it is a work in progress.
I hope you find more support and more friends to make your journey more rewarding, including the challenges you face that are opportunities for growth. Just pick one goal at a time you can achieve and reward yourself for making it. You don't have to answer or worry what other people think, if your system works for you, that's what matters. Whatever timeline it takes is for you to figure out, and no one can judge you because each person's path and process in life is different.
Do what works for you, embrace that and enjoy the discoveries you make as you move forward. Keep going and growing! You will attract people who are open to the same and aren't afraid of changes. it will get easier as you go.
yours truly, emily
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