Nyinabo

My husband who hasn't drunk anything for 24 days turned down my stepdad's invitation to the pub yesterday, which he has never in 5 years done. I knew our visit might be a trigger for my husband as my stepdad also abuses alcohol and my mum is the classic codependent, practically pushing my stepdad and husband out to the pub every time we visit, saying how lovely it is that they spend time together (ha!). I had planned that if he said yes I would say nothing and take the kids home immediately. But I didn't have to do that and we had a nice evening.
Now I know that I must remain detached even when things are going well. This is the bit I find hard, it is easy to be detached when things are awful. Any tips for staying detached when all is good?

Uplifting

I would love tips on this too! So much easier to be in a place of peace of detachment when things are not going well, but when they change and get "better" it gets me hooked and harder time continuing to set boundaries and detach.

biminiblue

I'm a little confused.

When things are going well, what are you trying to detach from?

happybeingme

I don't view it as detaching so much as not meddling where I shouldn't. Whether it be a friend, parent, sibling, or adult child we should give them all the dignity of living their life as they want without trying to fix, correct, manipulate or control them.

It is good he is abstaining. Acknowledge it and let him know it makes you happy but don't offer advice and such unless he asks.

Uplifting

For me I mean I can't go no contact for variety of reasons right now, so I am trying to detach and keep healthier space and that is easy to do when he is drinking and things are not going well, and then he sobers up and remorseful and empty words and promises that I have been hooked into believing giving chances blah blah, and I want to be able to stay detached and give healthy distance even when he sobers up and makes these promises. I also love and care for him and guess I am not ready to make the ultimate change to leave the relationship fully so detaching and having healthier boundaries is where my work is for now. Make sense?

LexieCat

You might be confused about what "detachment" means. It doesn't mean ignoring someone or not speaking to him, or not doing anything social or not having fun with him. Rather, it means not allowing his actions/behavior to dictate your actions and emotions. Your emotional well-being isn't wrapped up in what he is doing, saying, or feeling.

Uplifting

" Rather, it means not allowing his actions/behavior to dictate your actions and emotions. Your emotional well-being isn't wrapped up in what he is doing, saying, or feeling.[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I am working on and need more work on and is probably my biggest challenge and hardest mountain to climb, but you all give me strength that it is possible and to not stop climbing.. it is a work in progress and I am really hard on myself when I "fail" and that I need some work on too.. Since I realize it is only with increased self love and compassion for myself that I can get there in a healthier way..

maia1234

I read on sr. " It isn't my job to reward him for his sobriety or punish him for his drunkenness "

Hugs my friend!!!

LexieCat

Detachment is a tool that can help make living with active alcoholism a little more bearable. I don't think it's something you master and nothing the alcoholic does ever upsets you again. I think to the extent you work on it, thought, you will find yourself more often stepping away from the insanity, staying off the rollercoaster before it starts.

Uplifting

Yes I hear you, I meant I am trying to "master" my ability to get off the rollercoaster and stay off with more minimal damage, to myself...

AnvilheadII

detachment is a skill we learn and then try to employ BEFORE reacting. however for many of us the reaction happens so quickly, we then have to use detachment to pull back from the situation - go to our corner so to speak.

i can get hellfire mad at hank if he is late getting home from work (and i mean LATE not tardy) and doesn't bother to use the g/d cellphone IN the car. to ME it's common courtesy. it's how "I" would do it. and it drives me nuts when he can't or won't take the 18 seconds or so to call. (or call AND leave a message, but that's another story.......sigh).

man i struggle with this. more than i "should". and detaching seems almost beyond me. it lets me know just how far i still have to go. and demonstrates where the "problem" really lies.......and it ain't with HIM.

Bookaboo2

Deattaching is tool that I read about first and heard of in Alnon meetings that allows a person to "remove" themselves mentally/ physically if need be in order to be able to cope with the addict in their life. I like to simplify things and say not to feed into the madness and let there madness been all theirs. That's so much easier said than done.

Nyinabo

Yes, this exactly. So when things are all nice and his behaviour is good, this is still not the reason for your happiness. Happiness needs to come from ourselves regardless of how wonderful/awful our partner is. Detaching is very helpful in bad situations but also useful when things are good too, to stop you getting "hooked" like uplifting said and then sinking even further then the bad behaviour returns.

Nyinabo

I'm asking because my tendency in the past has been to lay down rules and he follow them, I get happy because he's following my rules and then I start to get soft because I'm happy and I'm starting to relax and trust him again. Then of course he breaks the rules.
I see detachment as having 2 parts - one is to give up the laying down of rules, he's an adult and whether I like it or not he can do as he likes. The other part is for me not to base my happiness on anything he does or doesn't do. The second part is the bit I find hard.